Mommy I'm Still in Here

By Kate McLaughlin


For parents, few things rival the pain of losing a precious, promising child to mental illness. I experienced this firsthand--twice. Two of my three children, now young adults, were diagnosed with adolescent onset bipolar disorder. MOMMY, I'M STILL IN HERE: One Family's Journey with Bipolar Disorder (Behler Publications; February 2008) is my candid and ultimately optimistic account.

For the first seventeen years, parenthood was nearly ideal for my husband, Mark, and I. After outgrowing her fussy infancy, our oldest, beautiful daughter, Chloe, was consistently a delight. Three years later, Michael arrived, adding his charming, lovable style to our family dynamic, followed in three years again, by Monica, an easygoing baby, who basked in being doted on by her siblings, and adored them back.

Fast Forward.

When Chloe entered her junior year in high school, everyone--teachers, coaches, and especially our family--expected her to achieve her goals of maintaining a stellar academic record, getting into a top college, and going on to make significant contributions. By the end of that academic year, she had survived two serious car accidents, started using foul language, and become clumsy, forgetful, moody, inconsiderate, and argumentative. When Chloe was home, the house was a battleground.

Then, just as suddenly as she had erupted in anger, Chloe fell into an abyss of depression. Utterly drained, she struggled to get out of bed in the morning and easily dissolved into a shaking mass of tears. My eldest daughter desperately needed medical help. When our family doctor's antidepressant prescription only made Chloe's condition worse, I knew I had to find a psychiatrist. The second doctor confirmed my fears: Chloe fit the profile for Bipolar Disorder.

MOMMY I'M STILL IN HERE chronicles the everyday toll and emotional turmoil of living with bipolar disorder. Chloe endured rounds of cycling, med trials and errors, fleeting triumphs, crushing setbacks, hallucinations, mania, a suicide attempt, and intensive counseling before accepting the reality of her incurable illness and taking responsibility for managing her symptoms and treatment. As Chloe finally began to regain a sense of stability and purpose, the unthinkable happened: Michael started to behave in disturbing, irrational and contentious ways. Unlike his sister, however, he turned to alcohol and illicit drugs to deal with his destructive impulses, raging suspicions, and overwhelming fears. Substance abuse escalated his verbal abuse and threats of violence. Michael would also attempt suicide, as well as narrowly escape being killed by the police, before embracing a positive course of rehab, lifestyle changes, and therapy.

Along the way, I learned the truths of bipolar disorder: It is genetic. It runs in families. Drug and alcohol abuse occurs in 80% of bipolar patients. It can be successfully treated. Once treated, life's promise and potential are again accessible. I stopped feeling completely responsible for Chloe and Michael's care, released my anger and judgment, stopped blaming myself for my children's illnesses, and moved closer to the ideal of unconditional love.

This is a story of hope. A story of love and determination; it is a story of found peace. I hope you'll join us.

Mommy I'm Still in Here: Raising Children with Bipolar Disorder is available at Amazon.com