Spouse not understanding bipolar

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kimsimmons7
January 21, 2009 - 10:19 am
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kimsimmons7
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Joined: 11-26-2007
I'm new to this forum (not to MoodTracker.com). Does anyone else have a problem with your spouse just not understanding bipolar? I guess that is a stupid question actually. Ha ha! My husband will NOT accept that I have a mental condition that you just cannot change and that even though I KNOW I have bipolar, I can't change it. He thinks that since I know I have it that I can make myself not have it. HELLO???!!!! How do others deal with this? Thanks! Kim


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kimsimmons7
kimsimmons7
January 21, 2009 - 10:19 am
I'm new to this forum (not to MoodTracker.com). Does anyone else have a problem with your spouse just not understanding bipolar? I guess that is a stupid question actually. Ha ha! My husband will NOT accept that I have a mental condition that you just cannot change and that even though I KNOW I have bipolar, I can't change it. He thinks that since I know I have it that I can make myself not have it. HELLO???!!!! How do others deal with this? Thanks! Kim


HoosierK
January 21, 2009 - 7:28 pm
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HoosierK
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Will he go to a support group or a therapy session with you?

K


The only place that you can find perfection on Earth today is in the dictionary.
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HoosierK
HoosierK
January 21, 2009 - 7:28 pm
Will he go to a support group or a therapy session with you?

K


The only place that you can find perfection on Earth today is in the dictionary.
ajneat
January 21, 2009 - 8:41 pm
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ajneat
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My husband is one of those that think you can just snap out of it. i swear that he's an undiagnosed biploar too.


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ajneat
ajneat
January 21, 2009 - 8:41 pm
My husband is one of those that think you can just snap out of it. i swear that he's an undiagnosed biploar too.


brigette
January 22, 2009 - 9:58 am
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brigette
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And of course it's extremely hard to explain bipolar to someone who does not have it :)

Would your partner be willing to maybe read a book on it? My husband just picked up "Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder" and I know there's at least one more directed towards the significant other.

Has he gone to a session with you? Maybe that would help?


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brigette
brigette
January 22, 2009 - 9:58 am
And of course it's extremely hard to explain bipolar to someone who does not have it :)

Would your partner be willing to maybe read a book on it? My husband just picked up "Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder" and I know there's at least one more directed towards the significant other.

Has he gone to a session with you? Maybe that would help?


kimsimmons7
January 22, 2009 - 3:40 pm
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kimsimmons7
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He understands what bipolar is and how it works BUT he still thinks that I should be able to just STOP having the symptoms because I KNOW that I have them and do them, etc. He's military and thinks he knows everything about everything! And what gets me is that he has two daughters - one is autistic and the other has some sort of learning disability. I told him that if expects me to be able to stop having bipolar - then he should expect THEM to stop havings their conditions. I know it's a lot different but it gets the point across. He went to my therapist because he thought I was telling her all sorts of bad things about him. She told him what she and I had been discussing and working on and explained what it was, etc. and she called him on being extremely passive-aggressive. THAT has caused us problems as well. When that didn't help matters, we went to a marriage counselor and after only 2 sessions with him - he said my husband and I should just part our own separate ways because he will just not admit when he causes problems. He just blames it on my bipolar! So whenever we have any sort of disagreements or problems - it's because I have bipolar! That's really hard to deal with - you know?


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kimsimmons7
kimsimmons7
January 22, 2009 - 3:40 pm
He understands what bipolar is and how it works BUT he still thinks that I should be able to just STOP having the symptoms because I KNOW that I have them and do them, etc. He's military and thinks he knows everything about everything! And what gets me is that he has two daughters - one is autistic and the other has some sort of learning disability. I told him that if expects me to be able to stop having bipolar - then he should expect THEM to stop havings their conditions. I know it's a lot different but it gets the point across. He went to my therapist because he thought I was telling her all sorts of bad things about him. She told him what she and I had been discussing and working on and explained what it was, etc. and she called him on being extremely passive-aggressive. THAT has caused us problems as well. When that didn't help matters, we went to a marriage counselor and after only 2 sessions with him - he said my husband and I should just part our own separate ways because he will just not admit when he causes problems. He just blames it on my bipolar! So whenever we have any sort of disagreements or problems - it's because I have bipolar! That's really hard to deal with - you know?


Lizabeth
January 22, 2009 - 6:33 pm
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Lizabeth
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Oh boy, do I Know. Although in my case it was my parents, my spouse is very understanding but my parents thought will power could solve anything.


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Lizabeth
Lizabeth
January 22, 2009 - 6:33 pm
Oh boy, do I Know. Although in my case it was my parents, my spouse is very understanding but my parents thought will power could solve anything.


kimsimmons7
January 23, 2009 - 9:20 am
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kimsimmons7
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YES!!! Me too! BUT we didn't know that I had bipolar. I wasn't diagnosed with it until about 2.5 years ago. Once I was diagnosed and then finally accepted it...I did a lot of researching it and it all makes so much sense now. I know now why I did the things I did and why, etc. What a sort of relief!!! I wish I didn't have it but it's just something I have to live with. There are some good advantages to having it though. I guess it's just REALLY hard for people who don't have it to understand it. And I'm sure it's also VERY hard for them to not get upset with us even though they know why we do things or act certain ways. But it's also not our fault. I wish more people would do some research on it too.


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kimsimmons7
kimsimmons7
January 23, 2009 - 9:20 am
YES!!! Me too! BUT we didn't know that I had bipolar. I wasn't diagnosed with it until about 2.5 years ago. Once I was diagnosed and then finally accepted it...I did a lot of researching it and it all makes so much sense now. I know now why I did the things I did and why, etc. What a sort of relief!!! I wish I didn't have it but it's just something I have to live with. There are some good advantages to having it though. I guess it's just REALLY hard for people who don't have it to understand it. And I'm sure it's also VERY hard for them to not get upset with us even though they know why we do things or act certain ways. But it's also not our fault. I wish more people would do some research on it too.


squeekee35
January 23, 2009 - 12:05 pm
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squeekee35
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I know this will probably sound terrible but your marriage councler is probably correct. If your husband is not understanding or supportive, it will just make things harder for you and things will just get worse.


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squeekee35
squeekee35
January 23, 2009 - 12:05 pm
I know this will probably sound terrible but your marriage councler is probably correct. If your husband is not understanding or supportive, it will just make things harder for you and things will just get worse.


JulesD
January 23, 2009 - 2:09 pm
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JulesD
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Hi Kim,

Well, this is really a bummer. I can only imagine your frustration being married to a person who is ignorant and refuses to be humble enough to learn/accept something new.

With that said, here are the facts: That's the guy you're married to. He is who he is. You can't fix him and you can't change him. You've really done a marvelous job at trying to do both of those things. Unfortunately, even with your best efforts, those are clearly failed strategies. You now have two choices - 1) accept him for who he is and learn strategies for working around and with his ignorance. 2) leave him.

I know those are tough options. However, when you're in a relationship, those are generally always the options. We can never fix people, that's not our jobs. The only way to have true serenity in a relationship is to accept people for who they are. IF there is a problem that is genuinely intolerable to us, a problem that we cannot find peace within ourselves to stay, then for our health AND for the health of the other person, we need to leave.

I wish you the very best. This is not a decision made lightly. This is not a decision made without wise counsel. And, if you are a person of faith, this is not a decision made without guidance and direction from your Higher Power.

Be well,
Jules


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JulesD
JulesD
January 23, 2009 - 2:09 pm
Hi Kim,

Well, this is really a bummer. I can only imagine your frustration being married to a person who is ignorant and refuses to be humble enough to learn/accept something new.

With that said, here are the facts: That's the guy you're married to. He is who he is. You can't fix him and you can't change him. You've really done a marvelous job at trying to do both of those things. Unfortunately, even with your best efforts, those are clearly failed strategies. You now have two choices - 1) accept him for who he is and learn strategies for working around and with his ignorance. 2) leave him.

I know those are tough options. However, when you're in a relationship, those are generally always the options. We can never fix people, that's not our jobs. The only way to have true serenity in a relationship is to accept people for who they are. IF there is a problem that is genuinely intolerable to us, a problem that we cannot find peace within ourselves to stay, then for our health AND for the health of the other person, we need to leave.

I wish you the very best. This is not a decision made lightly. This is not a decision made without wise counsel. And, if you are a person of faith, this is not a decision made without guidance and direction from your Higher Power.

Be well,
Jules


Mooky
February 3, 2009 - 8:33 pm
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Mooky
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Hi Kim.

I'm so sorry your husband has a problem understanding how your Bi polar works. My mother is the same way. She is of the opinion that anything can be handled if you just put your mind to it. I'm a grown woman now and don't have to live with her any more but the memories of how she would put me down for being weak still haunt me. I hope that your husband will see the BP light but don't wait until he's left mental scars on you like my mom did on me.
Take care of yourself.

Mooky


The big picture is impressionistic
It's up to us to put in the details.
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Mooky
Mooky
February 3, 2009 - 8:33 pm
Hi Kim.

I'm so sorry your husband has a problem understanding how your Bi polar works. My mother is the same way. She is of the opinion that anything can be handled if you just put your mind to it. I'm a grown woman now and don't have to live with her any more but the memories of how she would put me down for being weak still haunt me. I hope that your husband will see the BP light but don't wait until he's left mental scars on you like my mom did on me.
Take care of yourself.

Mooky


The big picture is impressionistic
It's up to us to put in the details.
soandso
February 3, 2009 - 9:39 pm
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soandso
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While parting ways might be the best option, maybe it would be beneficial to check with a second marriage counselor. I only say that because it concerns me that a counselor would flat out say you should separate--it is never a counselor or therapist's job to tell you what you should or shouldn't do--and really they should not be giving advice either--that is not their role. While this counselor's suggestion may end up being what works best for the two of you, it might not hurt to check with someone else and get their input...and by input, I don't mean advice, I mean to find out what they're observing, what their insight is about the situation, and maybe goals you guys could work on--that is more the role of a therapist or counselor. It's a thin line between lending insight and giving advice/suggestions, and sometimes that line gets crossed.

There are many, many different theories of marriage and family therapy that marriage counselors can utilize, and think it could be beneficial to at least get a second opinion from a different marriage counselor. Best of luck, I know it's tough.


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soandso
soandso
February 3, 2009 - 9:39 pm
While parting ways might be the best option, maybe it would be beneficial to check with a second marriage counselor. I only say that because it concerns me that a counselor would flat out say you should separate--it is never a counselor or therapist's job to tell you what you should or shouldn't do--and really they should not be giving advice either--that is not their role. While this counselor's suggestion may end up being what works best for the two of you, it might not hurt to check with someone else and get their input...and by input, I don't mean advice, I mean to find out what they're observing, what their insight is about the situation, and maybe goals you guys could work on--that is more the role of a therapist or counselor. It's a thin line between lending insight and giving advice/suggestions, and sometimes that line gets crossed.

There are many, many different theories of marriage and family therapy that marriage counselors can utilize, and think it could be beneficial to at least get a second opinion from a different marriage counselor. Best of luck, I know it's tough.


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