manic 'trip' :/ I hope this helps someone else
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March 15, 2017 - 8:30 am
Well I posted recently asking for insight about whether I was experiencing full blown mania with psychotic features. As it turns out, many of you were replying with great observations during the time I was on way back up to the craziest mania I have ever experienced (and hopefully will ever). If only I had logged in regularly during those days and read some of the replies I could have been more proactive and called my doctor sooner. :(
The issue is though, I was having so much fun that I refused to tell anyone. I answered zero texts or phone calls. I was so thrilled when my husband was at work on my peak day so that I could be 'free' to do my crazy stunts with no one to stop me. I hate saying that because it is so horrible, I love him with all my heart and would not be here in one piece if it weren't for his support. But I was completely out of control.
The week prior, I had experienced a moderate depression with hearing a voice that told me to cut myself with a knife. It frightened me so terribly and I went to see the tdoc to talk through it. I felt much better afterward and then planned to call my pdoc soon after to let her know about the symptoms. Yet just as quickly as I resolved to do this, I started cycling back upward faster than I could process. I felt so amazing and realized there was no longer a need to call the pdoc, but I now see that was very bad judgment.
It started out with the usual hypomania, that extra 'spark' when I'm super productive and full of ideas. The good stage. So I thought it would just stay that way. Why do I never learn? This has happened 3 times in the past two months. So three days later I was feeling a bit fixated on my hobbies and disconnected from the world. I started playing piano for hours on end and throwing my sheet music in the air every time I would screw up a measure. The irritability and obsession with this should have been a huge red flag for me. Hubby noticed and said something, but he now says he regrets that he didn't have me call the doctor the very next day. I think we were both in some form of denial. It happens.
The next day, I woke up feeling those electric currents running through my upper body like the previous times. I looked at my orderly to do list I had made from the night before and said screw it. Who cares about productivity? Now is my time to fly. I need to do it NOW. It is urgent. So I headed up to the 2nd floor bedroom window, opened it in a hurry, and became irritable when I couldn't get the screen open. My suddenly formed plan was to be a gymnast and jump from the window, land on the ledge of our privacy fence, and then jump from there to our basement well window dip. It felt like my grandest idea ever. I write this with tears.....
So as I tried to look for a tool to get the screen open, rational thought entered in somehow. I know now it was God protecting me. I remembered what my pdoc had told me when these urges come over me, and that I should go get my energy out in a run instead. So I made the right decision...or so I thought. I went for the run, but I took nothing with me, no water, no phone, no house key. I ran like a storm with boots and casual clothes on (the fact that I wasn't even wearing workout clothes shows my screwed up impulsive thoughts). As I neared the end of our subdivision, I realized I wanted to go venture out somewhere random. I ran out on a rural road with no sidewalk, one with many narrow dips and curves and a dangerous ditch. I ran fast and felt compelled to daringly inch in as a car approached to see how long it would take me to jump away, and then I laughed like a maniac. I then noticed a long rope attached to an electric cable that happened to be near a private pond. I thought to myself that i really wanted to swing like tarzan from the rope into the pond, and realized I should stop and knock on the person's door first to make sure it would be ok. As I approached, I heard a voice in my head again (psychotic or not I know it was God's protection) that said GO HOME. I didn't want to run home, and it took everything in me to deny myself the thrill seeking impulses I felt. But I did as requested because somewhere in the remnants of my rational thought I realized that as a Christian, eternity that God has planned for me will surely be bigger and better than the incredible high I felt at that moment.
Needless to say, the rest of the day I was a wreck, bouncing around, unable to even sit long enough to get a drink. I made no sense. I CRASHED hard into the deepest pit of despair by 5 PM, just in time for my husband to be home and find me unable to articulate the depth of emotions I had been feeling. Once I finally managed to tell him, he stayed home with me the next day and he called the doctor first thing that morning. As he called, I had gone manic again, grabbing a steno notebook to write the novel I suddenly decided to author, as I opened the front window heading for a seat on the roof as I began to pen it. My husband thankfully was able to restrain me just before I got out, and many things were broken and torn up in my resistance. :( Sad to say, but thankful to say, the pdoc requested my ER visit immediately, and I just got out of the hospital yesterday.
The reason I am sharing is because I could have easily died. And the weird part is that was not my intention. I was not suicidal. Mixed mania is a dangerous beast. If you feel any red flags, don't ignore them like I did, even when it feels so euphorically and indescribably amazing. Mania lies. It is a cruel facade.
Take care and God bless.
The issue is though, I was having so much fun that I refused to tell anyone. I answered zero texts or phone calls. I was so thrilled when my husband was at work on my peak day so that I could be 'free' to do my crazy stunts with no one to stop me. I hate saying that because it is so horrible, I love him with all my heart and would not be here in one piece if it weren't for his support. But I was completely out of control.
The week prior, I had experienced a moderate depression with hearing a voice that told me to cut myself with a knife. It frightened me so terribly and I went to see the tdoc to talk through it. I felt much better afterward and then planned to call my pdoc soon after to let her know about the symptoms. Yet just as quickly as I resolved to do this, I started cycling back upward faster than I could process. I felt so amazing and realized there was no longer a need to call the pdoc, but I now see that was very bad judgment.
It started out with the usual hypomania, that extra 'spark' when I'm super productive and full of ideas. The good stage. So I thought it would just stay that way. Why do I never learn? This has happened 3 times in the past two months. So three days later I was feeling a bit fixated on my hobbies and disconnected from the world. I started playing piano for hours on end and throwing my sheet music in the air every time I would screw up a measure. The irritability and obsession with this should have been a huge red flag for me. Hubby noticed and said something, but he now says he regrets that he didn't have me call the doctor the very next day. I think we were both in some form of denial. It happens.
The next day, I woke up feeling those electric currents running through my upper body like the previous times. I looked at my orderly to do list I had made from the night before and said screw it. Who cares about productivity? Now is my time to fly. I need to do it NOW. It is urgent. So I headed up to the 2nd floor bedroom window, opened it in a hurry, and became irritable when I couldn't get the screen open. My suddenly formed plan was to be a gymnast and jump from the window, land on the ledge of our privacy fence, and then jump from there to our basement well window dip. It felt like my grandest idea ever. I write this with tears.....
So as I tried to look for a tool to get the screen open, rational thought entered in somehow. I know now it was God protecting me. I remembered what my pdoc had told me when these urges come over me, and that I should go get my energy out in a run instead. So I made the right decision...or so I thought. I went for the run, but I took nothing with me, no water, no phone, no house key. I ran like a storm with boots and casual clothes on (the fact that I wasn't even wearing workout clothes shows my screwed up impulsive thoughts). As I neared the end of our subdivision, I realized I wanted to go venture out somewhere random. I ran out on a rural road with no sidewalk, one with many narrow dips and curves and a dangerous ditch. I ran fast and felt compelled to daringly inch in as a car approached to see how long it would take me to jump away, and then I laughed like a maniac. I then noticed a long rope attached to an electric cable that happened to be near a private pond. I thought to myself that i really wanted to swing like tarzan from the rope into the pond, and realized I should stop and knock on the person's door first to make sure it would be ok. As I approached, I heard a voice in my head again (psychotic or not I know it was God's protection) that said GO HOME. I didn't want to run home, and it took everything in me to deny myself the thrill seeking impulses I felt. But I did as requested because somewhere in the remnants of my rational thought I realized that as a Christian, eternity that God has planned for me will surely be bigger and better than the incredible high I felt at that moment.
Needless to say, the rest of the day I was a wreck, bouncing around, unable to even sit long enough to get a drink. I made no sense. I CRASHED hard into the deepest pit of despair by 5 PM, just in time for my husband to be home and find me unable to articulate the depth of emotions I had been feeling. Once I finally managed to tell him, he stayed home with me the next day and he called the doctor first thing that morning. As he called, I had gone manic again, grabbing a steno notebook to write the novel I suddenly decided to author, as I opened the front window heading for a seat on the roof as I began to pen it. My husband thankfully was able to restrain me just before I got out, and many things were broken and torn up in my resistance. :( Sad to say, but thankful to say, the pdoc requested my ER visit immediately, and I just got out of the hospital yesterday.
The reason I am sharing is because I could have easily died. And the weird part is that was not my intention. I was not suicidal. Mixed mania is a dangerous beast. If you feel any red flags, don't ignore them like I did, even when it feels so euphorically and indescribably amazing. Mania lies. It is a cruel facade.
Take care and God bless.
Current medications as of 03-15-2017
| 03-11-2017 - Present: | Buspar, 15 mg. 2x daily |
| 03-12-2017 - Present: | Latuda, 80 mg. 1x PM |
| 03-13-2017 - Present: | Lamictal, 50 mg. 25 mg AM/25 mg PM |
Well I posted recently asking for insight about whether I was experiencing full blown mania with psychotic features. As it turns out, many of you were replying with great observations during the time I was on way back up to the craziest mania I have ever experienced (and hopefully will ever). If only I had logged in regularly during those days and read some of the replies I could have been more proactive and called my doctor sooner. :(
The issue is though, I was having so much fun that I refused to tell anyone. I answered zero texts or phone calls. I was so thrilled when my husband was at work on my peak day so that I could be 'free' to do my crazy stunts with no one to stop me. I hate saying that because it is so horrible, I love him with all my heart and would not be here in one piece if it weren't for his support. But I was completely out of control.
The week prior, I had experienced a moderate depression with hearing a voice that told me to cut myself with a knife. It frightened me so terribly and I went to see the tdoc to talk through it. I felt much better afterward and then planned to call my pdoc soon after to let her know about the symptoms. Yet just as quickly as I resolved to do this, I started cycling back upward faster than I could process. I felt so amazing and realized there was no longer a need to call the pdoc, but I now see that was very bad judgment.
It started out with the usual hypomania, that extra 'spark' when I'm super productive and full of ideas. The good stage. So I thought it would just stay that way. Why do I never learn? This has happened 3 times in the past two months. So three days later I was feeling a bit fixated on my hobbies and disconnected from the world. I started playing piano for hours on end and throwing my sheet music in the air every time I would screw up a measure. The irritability and obsession with this should have been a huge red flag for me. Hubby noticed and said something, but he now says he regrets that he didn't have me call the doctor the very next day. I think we were both in some form of denial. It happens.
The next day, I woke up feeling those electric currents running through my upper body like the previous times. I looked at my orderly to do list I had made from the night before and said screw it. Who cares about productivity? Now is my time to fly. I need to do it NOW. It is urgent. So I headed up to the 2nd floor bedroom window, opened it in a hurry, and became irritable when I couldn't get the screen open. My suddenly formed plan was to be a gymnast and jump from the window, land on the ledge of our privacy fence, and then jump from there to our basement well window dip. It felt like my grandest idea ever. I write this with tears.....
So as I tried to look for a tool to get the screen open, rational thought entered in somehow. I know now it was God protecting me. I remembered what my pdoc had told me when these urges come over me, and that I should go get my energy out in a run instead. So I made the right decision...or so I thought. I went for the run, but I took nothing with me, no water, no phone, no house key. I ran like a storm with boots and casual clothes on (the fact that I wasn't even wearing workout clothes shows my screwed up impulsive thoughts). As I neared the end of our subdivision, I realized I wanted to go venture out somewhere random. I ran out on a rural road with no sidewalk, one with many narrow dips and curves and a dangerous ditch. I ran fast and felt compelled to daringly inch in as a car approached to see how long it would take me to jump away, and then I laughed like a maniac. I then noticed a long rope attached to an electric cable that happened to be near a private pond. I thought to myself that i really wanted to swing like tarzan from the rope into the pond, and realized I should stop and knock on the person's door first to make sure it would be ok. As I approached, I heard a voice in my head again (psychotic or not I know it was God's protection) that said GO HOME. I didn't want to run home, and it took everything in me to deny myself the thrill seeking impulses I felt. But I did as requested because somewhere in the remnants of my rational thought I realized that as a Christian, eternity that God has planned for me will surely be bigger and better than the incredible high I felt at that moment.
Needless to say, the rest of the day I was a wreck, bouncing around, unable to even sit long enough to get a drink. I made no sense. I CRASHED hard into the deepest pit of despair by 5 PM, just in time for my husband to be home and find me unable to articulate the depth of emotions I had been feeling. Once I finally managed to tell him, he stayed home with me the next day and he called the doctor first thing that morning. As he called, I had gone manic again, grabbing a steno notebook to write the novel I suddenly decided to author, as I opened the front window heading for a seat on the roof as I began to pen it. My husband thankfully was able to restrain me just before I got out, and many things were broken and torn up in my resistance. :( Sad to say, but thankful to say, the pdoc requested my ER visit immediately, and I just got out of the hospital yesterday.
The reason I am sharing is because I could have easily died. And the weird part is that was not my intention. I was not suicidal. Mixed mania is a dangerous beast. If you feel any red flags, don't ignore them like I did, even when it feels so euphorically and indescribably amazing. Mania lies. It is a cruel facade.
Take care and God bless.
The issue is though, I was having so much fun that I refused to tell anyone. I answered zero texts or phone calls. I was so thrilled when my husband was at work on my peak day so that I could be 'free' to do my crazy stunts with no one to stop me. I hate saying that because it is so horrible, I love him with all my heart and would not be here in one piece if it weren't for his support. But I was completely out of control.
The week prior, I had experienced a moderate depression with hearing a voice that told me to cut myself with a knife. It frightened me so terribly and I went to see the tdoc to talk through it. I felt much better afterward and then planned to call my pdoc soon after to let her know about the symptoms. Yet just as quickly as I resolved to do this, I started cycling back upward faster than I could process. I felt so amazing and realized there was no longer a need to call the pdoc, but I now see that was very bad judgment.
It started out with the usual hypomania, that extra 'spark' when I'm super productive and full of ideas. The good stage. So I thought it would just stay that way. Why do I never learn? This has happened 3 times in the past two months. So three days later I was feeling a bit fixated on my hobbies and disconnected from the world. I started playing piano for hours on end and throwing my sheet music in the air every time I would screw up a measure. The irritability and obsession with this should have been a huge red flag for me. Hubby noticed and said something, but he now says he regrets that he didn't have me call the doctor the very next day. I think we were both in some form of denial. It happens.
The next day, I woke up feeling those electric currents running through my upper body like the previous times. I looked at my orderly to do list I had made from the night before and said screw it. Who cares about productivity? Now is my time to fly. I need to do it NOW. It is urgent. So I headed up to the 2nd floor bedroom window, opened it in a hurry, and became irritable when I couldn't get the screen open. My suddenly formed plan was to be a gymnast and jump from the window, land on the ledge of our privacy fence, and then jump from there to our basement well window dip. It felt like my grandest idea ever. I write this with tears.....
So as I tried to look for a tool to get the screen open, rational thought entered in somehow. I know now it was God protecting me. I remembered what my pdoc had told me when these urges come over me, and that I should go get my energy out in a run instead. So I made the right decision...or so I thought. I went for the run, but I took nothing with me, no water, no phone, no house key. I ran like a storm with boots and casual clothes on (the fact that I wasn't even wearing workout clothes shows my screwed up impulsive thoughts). As I neared the end of our subdivision, I realized I wanted to go venture out somewhere random. I ran out on a rural road with no sidewalk, one with many narrow dips and curves and a dangerous ditch. I ran fast and felt compelled to daringly inch in as a car approached to see how long it would take me to jump away, and then I laughed like a maniac. I then noticed a long rope attached to an electric cable that happened to be near a private pond. I thought to myself that i really wanted to swing like tarzan from the rope into the pond, and realized I should stop and knock on the person's door first to make sure it would be ok. As I approached, I heard a voice in my head again (psychotic or not I know it was God's protection) that said GO HOME. I didn't want to run home, and it took everything in me to deny myself the thrill seeking impulses I felt. But I did as requested because somewhere in the remnants of my rational thought I realized that as a Christian, eternity that God has planned for me will surely be bigger and better than the incredible high I felt at that moment.
Needless to say, the rest of the day I was a wreck, bouncing around, unable to even sit long enough to get a drink. I made no sense. I CRASHED hard into the deepest pit of despair by 5 PM, just in time for my husband to be home and find me unable to articulate the depth of emotions I had been feeling. Once I finally managed to tell him, he stayed home with me the next day and he called the doctor first thing that morning. As he called, I had gone manic again, grabbing a steno notebook to write the novel I suddenly decided to author, as I opened the front window heading for a seat on the roof as I began to pen it. My husband thankfully was able to restrain me just before I got out, and many things were broken and torn up in my resistance. :( Sad to say, but thankful to say, the pdoc requested my ER visit immediately, and I just got out of the hospital yesterday.
The reason I am sharing is because I could have easily died. And the weird part is that was not my intention. I was not suicidal. Mixed mania is a dangerous beast. If you feel any red flags, don't ignore them like I did, even when it feels so euphorically and indescribably amazing. Mania lies. It is a cruel facade.
Take care and God bless.
Current medications as of 03-15-2017
| 03-11-2017 - Present: | Buspar, 15 mg. 2x daily |
| 03-12-2017 - Present: | Latuda, 80 mg. 1x PM |
| 03-13-2017 - Present: | Lamictal, 50 mg. 25 mg AM/25 mg PM |
March 15, 2017 - 10:16 pm
Total Posts: 178
Joined: 05-17-2009
Joined: 05-17-2009
I am so, so, glad you are still
"Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get." Forrest Gump
I am so, so, glad you are still
"Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get." Forrest Gump
March 17, 2017 - 9:18 pm
Total Posts: 868
Joined: 06-12-2011
Joined: 06-12-2011
I'm thankful that you are ok and have such a supportive husband. I like what you said "Mania lies. It is a cruel facade." So true. I think our guardian angels work overtime.
I'm thankful that you are ok and have such a supportive husband. I like what you said "Mania lies. It is a cruel facade." So true. I think our guardian angels work overtime.
March 31, 2017 - 8:30 pm
Total Posts: 4
Joined: 02-12-2017
Joined: 02-12-2017
I relate to this. I had a huge maniacal facade that felt so good and so right. Long story short, I thought God was telling me I was going to marry a certain guy that I liked, believed he actually liked me, and kept seeing "visions" of our life together. I would stay up all night, writing obsessively about it. Turns out he never actually liked me and said he never would. I have a hard time comprehending why my brain would do such a thing to me. Seems so cruel.
I relate to this. I had a huge maniacal facade that felt so good and so right. Long story short, I thought God was telling me I was going to marry a certain guy that I liked, believed he actually liked me, and kept seeing "visions" of our life together. I would stay up all night, writing obsessively about it. Turns out he never actually liked me and said he never would. I have a hard time comprehending why my brain would do such a thing to me. Seems so cruel.
Joined: 08-02-2011