Struggling with acceptance

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artemis836
May 13, 2017 - 1:40 pm
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artemis836
Total Posts: 10
Joined: 08-26-2015
Objectively I understand this sounds odd but I am having a very hard time accepting my diagnosis. I have experienced mania induced visual and tactile hallucinations in the past as well as all of the classic symptoms of Bipolar I. I have been heavily medicated for over ten years now but there is still a part of me that doesn't believe all of this.

What if I was just under extreme stress at the time and this has been a mistake? I desperately want to stop my medication but I am also well aware of the very real possibility that have been correctly diagnosed (by five separate psychiatrists) and doing so could cause great problems.

Does anyone else struggle with this? I both fully believe I have this disease and don't at the same time...

What am I going to do?


Diagnosis: Bipolar I - Psychosis & Borderline Personality Disorder

Levothyroxine: 50 mg, Daily
Lithium: 1200 mg, Daily
Propranolol: 20 mg, Daily
Clonidine: 0.3 mg, Daily
Depakote: 2500 mg, Daily
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artemis836
artemis836
May 13, 2017 - 1:40 pm
Objectively I understand this sounds odd but I am having a very hard time accepting my diagnosis. I have experienced mania induced visual and tactile hallucinations in the past as well as all of the classic symptoms of Bipolar I. I have been heavily medicated for over ten years now but there is still a part of me that doesn't believe all of this.

What if I was just under extreme stress at the time and this has been a mistake? I desperately want to stop my medication but I am also well aware of the very real possibility that have been correctly diagnosed (by five separate psychiatrists) and doing so could cause great problems.

Does anyone else struggle with this? I both fully believe I have this disease and don't at the same time...

What am I going to do?


Diagnosis: Bipolar I - Psychosis & Borderline Personality Disorder

Levothyroxine: 50 mg, Daily
Lithium: 1200 mg, Daily
Propranolol: 20 mg, Daily
Clonidine: 0.3 mg, Daily
Depakote: 2500 mg, Daily
ICU812
May 14, 2017 - 1:57 am
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ICU812
Total Posts: 119
Joined: 09-28-2009
I don't think you are alone. I think this often and silently and I have never really spoken about it. I've spoken to my psychiatrist about it and he thinks it is common. I think also if you are well for periods of time you often have periods of doubt. But all I have to do to is remind myself of the really bad times to kick my butt enough to say to myself that I need to be sensible here and not do anything stupid by going off medication. I've thought of that often too. I'm not game to reduce or medication because I've done that before even under guidance of my psychiatrist and ended up in hospital because the drop in medication was too fast or not a good idea to begin with. Since then he is very cautious about shifting medication around. I'm stable - don't touch it.

I don't cycle all the time, I'm not rapid cycling, I'm not depressed all the time. I am very high functioning - manage a family, part time work and part time university study. But when I do have a mood episode it is huge and massive and destructive, sometimes with paranoia and psychosis. My illness functions like a classic bipolar I type. I only have to remember these episodes and promise myself to stay on my medication.

Cheers



Current medications as of 05-14-2017
05-18-2010 - Present: Lithium, 750mg . 250mg pm and 500mg am
01-11-2012 - Present: Seroquel XR, 800 XR. night
01-24-2013 - Present: Thyroxine, 250 mcg. in morning 250mg
07-15-2016 - Present: Sodium Valproate, 2000mg. 1000mg at night, 1000mg in morning
08-18-2016 - Present: Seroquel IR 100mg, 100mg. PRN

Spam? Offensive?
ICU812
ICU812
May 14, 2017 - 1:57 am
I don't think you are alone. I think this often and silently and I have never really spoken about it. I've spoken to my psychiatrist about it and he thinks it is common. I think also if you are well for periods of time you often have periods of doubt. But all I have to do to is remind myself of the really bad times to kick my butt enough to say to myself that I need to be sensible here and not do anything stupid by going off medication. I've thought of that often too. I'm not game to reduce or medication because I've done that before even under guidance of my psychiatrist and ended up in hospital because the drop in medication was too fast or not a good idea to begin with. Since then he is very cautious about shifting medication around. I'm stable - don't touch it.

I don't cycle all the time, I'm not rapid cycling, I'm not depressed all the time. I am very high functioning - manage a family, part time work and part time university study. But when I do have a mood episode it is huge and massive and destructive, sometimes with paranoia and psychosis. My illness functions like a classic bipolar I type. I only have to remember these episodes and promise myself to stay on my medication.

Cheers



Current medications as of 05-14-2017
05-18-2010 - Present: Lithium, 750mg . 250mg pm and 500mg am
01-11-2012 - Present: Seroquel XR, 800 XR. night
01-24-2013 - Present: Thyroxine, 250 mcg. in morning 250mg
07-15-2016 - Present: Sodium Valproate, 2000mg. 1000mg at night, 1000mg in morning
08-18-2016 - Present: Seroquel IR 100mg, 100mg. PRN

devnull
May 14, 2017 - 9:10 am
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devnull
Total Posts: 8
Joined: 11-11-2015
I know how you feel. I refused to accept it for years because I was terrified by the implications, especially insurance. But the idea of taking meds for the rest of my life was a close second. I denied it for years.

For me the real moment of truth was when my wife told me that I was a lot more pleasant to be around when medicated. I have young kids and of course they're not going to say anything but I also want to be a "pleasant" dad. I didn't really have the self awareness to recognize this.

Maybe you could talk to a therapist. My therapist helped me out quite a bit in this area.


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devnull
devnull
May 14, 2017 - 9:10 am
I know how you feel. I refused to accept it for years because I was terrified by the implications, especially insurance. But the idea of taking meds for the rest of my life was a close second. I denied it for years.

For me the real moment of truth was when my wife told me that I was a lot more pleasant to be around when medicated. I have young kids and of course they're not going to say anything but I also want to be a "pleasant" dad. I didn't really have the self awareness to recognize this.

Maybe you could talk to a therapist. My therapist helped me out quite a bit in this area.


artemis836
May 14, 2017 - 5:18 pm
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artemis836
Total Posts: 10
Joined: 08-26-2015
Thank you both for your input and I think you are both correct. I have to keep reminding myself of how it can be. I don't want to go back because I know I tear everyone and everything apart when I'm having my highs and lows. I don't want my children to think of me that way.



Current medications as of 05-14-2017
01-01-2007 - Present: Depakote, 2500mg. Daily
06-01-2015 - Present: Clonidine, 0.3 mg. Daily
02-01-2016 - Present: Levothyroxine, 50mg. Daily
02-01-2016 - Present: Lithium, 1200mg. Daily
02-01-2016 - Present: Propranolol, 20mg. Daily

Diagnosis: Bipolar I - Psychosis & Borderline Personality Disorder
Spam? Offensive?
artemis836
artemis836
May 14, 2017 - 5:18 pm
Thank you both for your input and I think you are both correct. I have to keep reminding myself of how it can be. I don't want to go back because I know I tear everyone and everything apart when I'm having my highs and lows. I don't want my children to think of me that way.



Current medications as of 05-14-2017
01-01-2007 - Present: Depakote, 2500mg. Daily
06-01-2015 - Present: Clonidine, 0.3 mg. Daily
02-01-2016 - Present: Levothyroxine, 50mg. Daily
02-01-2016 - Present: Lithium, 1200mg. Daily
02-01-2016 - Present: Propranolol, 20mg. Daily

Diagnosis: Bipolar I - Psychosis & Borderline Personality Disorder
asydney
June 9, 2017 - 6:03 am
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asydney
Total Posts: 2
Joined: 06-09-2017
You are not alone. On a surface level I accepted my diagnosis - i took the medication and changed my lifestyle. But all the while I hoped "I'd get over it" that it was just a temporary blip brought on by a highly stressful job. But the truth was I struggled for years with feelings of shame about my diagnosis - i didnt really accept it. I didnt want to ask for help from my family and friends even though they offered it. I didn't want anyone to see how really bad it got - how out of control I got. Then I became very ill again. Only then did I face my feelings of shame and denial with the help of my therapist. I still have these thoughts from time to time but not so badly. Ive accepted its an illness like any other that needs to be managed with medication and lifestyle changes that need to be followed for the rest of my life - like high blood pressure or diabetes ... and nothing to be ashamed of and to accept the love and support of family and friends.
I hope this helps. Good Luck.


Spam? Offensive?
asydney
asydney
June 9, 2017 - 6:03 am
You are not alone. On a surface level I accepted my diagnosis - i took the medication and changed my lifestyle. But all the while I hoped "I'd get over it" that it was just a temporary blip brought on by a highly stressful job. But the truth was I struggled for years with feelings of shame about my diagnosis - i didnt really accept it. I didnt want to ask for help from my family and friends even though they offered it. I didn't want anyone to see how really bad it got - how out of control I got. Then I became very ill again. Only then did I face my feelings of shame and denial with the help of my therapist. I still have these thoughts from time to time but not so badly. Ive accepted its an illness like any other that needs to be managed with medication and lifestyle changes that need to be followed for the rest of my life - like high blood pressure or diabetes ... and nothing to be ashamed of and to accept the love and support of family and friends.
I hope this helps. Good Luck.


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