Sharing Common Experiences?

I have a question for the group. It's one of those "am I the only one?" questions because I'd like to know if anyone else experiences something remotely like what I experience.

I call them "snapshots." Whenever I am stressed, startled, angry, anxious, or overwhelmed I often see flashes of a picture in my brain. It is always the same picture of me harming myself. It is intrusive and vivid, but lasts for just a moment. Depending upon HOW stressed/overwhelmed I am, the picture will be more or less graphic... but it is always a picture of me taking the same violent action against myself, like a Polaroid picture... a snapshot. However, I am not the least bit suicidal at the time. The thought is intrusive and unwanted.

I have had the same picture since I can remember, but it not something that actually happened to me. It is not a "method" that I have access to. It is not a method that I would choose if I were actually suicidal. It is just a Polaroid.

Initially, when I first started talking about them to my therapist, it scared me to death. He and my Pdoc thought that I was suicidal and they instituted a safety plan. That just ramped up my anxiety and made them happen more often, which made them think I was MORE suicidal (I was pretty depressed at the time too... just my luck). A vicious cycle was started. More anxiety, more images. I almost landed in the hospital before we figured it out.

Finally... one evening I was driving home from a Christmas Cantata rehearsal (a year ago) in a blinding snow storm. I was griping the wheel of my SUV praying to see the sides of the road. And a snapshot happened. I thought, "this is STUPID! I do NOT want to kill myself over a stupid snow storm." That's when it clicked to me. These images were not about suicide. They were about fear, or something else... but not suicide.

I told my therapist, a Neuropsychologist, what I had discovered. He said, "ahhhh.... of course... these are brain ticks. When you get in certain situations that stress you to max, this is the way your brain responds." Oh my gosh. brain ticks. Jeeeeeze. brain ticks!! That made perfect sense to me. The cycle stopped on a dime. I was spared the hospital. Whew!! That dis-empowered the images immediately. I still have them, but they just annoy me now. They no longer frighten me. Now, they're more of an early warning system.

So... am I the only one? Does anyone else have anything remotely like a "brain tick?" Anything? Or maybe something like "snapshots?" I'm just wondering. I know my brain is hardwired differently than most... but I also know that I'm not completely unique! :)

be well,
Jules

Hi Jules

I haven't had brain ticks as you describe but when depressed have often become convinced I've murdered someone - and the realisation and 'memory evidence' came to me in flashes and also dreams. My psych told me it was common to get such 'hallucinatory' experiences. The knowledge that those feelings and memories are hallucinations helped me a lot too. I still got them - but could rationalise them as a symptom of my illness and gradually they disappeared so that I no longer get these feelings even when very depressed.

Just to take up your related point about the initial responseof your care team: I've also found that the medics etc, get very antsy when we start to talk about suicide and it's very hard to convince them that just because we think about it and sometimes plan it and also talk about it it does not necessarily mean we are going to do it! This is so short sighted of them - we need to be able to talk about suicide without the professionals overreacting for goodness sake. I can understand their reaction to a point but if they took the time to get to know us better as individuals and to get to to know how if feels to be ill like that rather than seeing us as a catalogue of symptoms, some of which they can find in their books and some they can't we would all be a lot better off.

In short. Yes.I'm kind of glad in a way I've now found out what they are :) As with you I get them when stressed (which sometimes coincides with depression) but not having suicidal thought but definately a picture of something that would lead that way. if you catch my drift.

Oh yes, I've had that. Mine tend to be more like a sentence that repeats over and over in my head than a picture but I'm a very verbal person. I've had those "ticks" since well before I got into treatment.
If I am feeling very, very, very, stressed it almost overlaps into a complusion (like OCD). I remember once having to check the bumper of my car multiple times convinced I had hit someone(I hadn"t). This happened before I was clinically depressed--shows I have always had anxiety problems I guess, and after about the forth time I was able to tell myself I was being silly and stop doing it. I don't like to think about how it would have been if I had been clinically depressed at the time.

Yep. I have a recurring image, too.

It's the exact same image that's been there for years and years and years. However . . . how do I say this . . . I didn't "realize" it was there. Since diagnosis several years ago, I have worked really hard examining what happens during the progression of my depression, eventually understanding how significantly my negative thoughts exacerbate the situation. Only last year was I able to "acknowledge" that stupid image.

The image has not gone away; but now when it appears, it is a blazing red flag that instantly jolts me and makes me realize how irrationally and negatively I have been thinking. At that point, (if I'm not too far "gone") I can take conscious action - if I'm sitting or in bed, I may get up and move my body, somewhere, anywhere; I may go outside and read my list of the positives aspects of my life to help me realize the irrationality of my thoughts; I may go anywhere where there are people; and other things like that. I may not be able to stop the depression in its tracks, but being pro-active helps. Sometimes, nothing helps; and I just have to wait it out, which is AWFUL.

Maybe some day that image will disappear. I hope so.

Phrases or lyrics.
Sometimes it's just one word.
Over and over and over....

Wow.... thank you guys for sharing. I can see that we don't have "exact" experiences.... but there is a lot in common. I certainly would not wish snapshot images or words, or lyrics on anyone... but I am also glad to know that I am not the only one who has something like this. It makes me feel less like such a "freak."

One of the aspects of my snapshot was that I just didn't talk about it until recently because "good little southern Baptist girls" just don't think about suicide. Good little girls don't have pictures in their heads about harming themselves in a violent way. This, of course, was a "rule" that I placed on myself. When I would see the picture, there were times that I would literally shake it off by shaking my head to make it go away.

Once I began talking about it, and then my professionals and I got over the "crisis" aspect of it, it was SO important for me to understand that they were simply snapshots. Like Peace09, I hope the pictures will serve their purpose and go away. I'd love a life without them.

Thanks again for sharing. I appreciate your honesty!

Be well,
Jules

I have had an image "Snap shot" for most of my life and until I read this Forum and what everyone said I hadn't put it into place. Mine isn't suicidal but it is about doing harm to myself. I always thought that my mind was trying to tell me to do that. That I was somehow more depressed than I thought I was. Mine usually happens with pain. I have a life long battle with physical pain and that "snap shot" always shows up at the worst time. Thank you all so much for posting. I've never even told my Pdoc about it because I couldn't describe it but you've done a great job so next time I see her I think she and I will have a new type of discussion. Thanks again.

The big picture is impressionistic
It's up to us to put in the details.