I am going through an exteme "cycle" of depression. I know that it must be situational depression, because of my "situation".
I have been self-medicating with the Xanax and Ambien just to sleep as much as possible to get through the day and part of the night.
I can't seem to find any one who wants to talk to me about this, bc they have all heard it before.
I don't have any external outlets, because I don't have a job--nor money to put gas in my car to leave my apartment. I live in a neighborhood that is a great distance from anything. I am starting to feel suffocated.
I have applied to several different jobs, but because of my MANY jobs (quitting/fired), I don't stand a chance. I feel like I am never going to get out of this.
My father has to pay all other bills, because my rent takes all of my Social Sec Disability. He is tired and has had to take a part-time job to help, because no one will hire me.This is so embarrasing for me to have to beg him to put gas in my car and buy toliet paper.
These are the things that make me think, what is the purpose? I don't understand why God would allow such a devasting disease happen to people who normally would be able to function. I have tried to comitt suicide so many times and He won't let me die, just to keep me alive for what...? Just to go through more of this...?
Honostly, I am not suicidal, but I do have the ideologies.
Medications for January 2009
| 06-01-2008 - Present: | Lamictal, 150 mg. One time per day |
06-01-2008 - Present: | Xanax, 1 mg. Twice per day |
12-23-2008 - Present: | Depakote XR Double, 1500 mg. Once in early morning hours |
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Joined: 12-21-2008