I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
I never realized I lived in "agony" until I sought psychiatric care in France and the asked me, for purposes of evaluating my dangerousness to self, whether I felt "angoise" (anguish).
That word had never been part of my vocabulary in English in discussing what I felt. When I learned what it meant in French, I realized I felt anguish in English, too.
For me, the only way to makethat go away is medication that helps me sleep (nothing causes anguish like sleepnessness) and an antidepressant.
Since I Escitalopram 50mg of Escitalopram (Effexor?) per day, in the morning, I weep less, feel less need to urgently call others for help, I go to the beach and swim more often and I enjoy the beach.
I think others will understand when I say there is the objective world around me, including nature, people, circumstances.
Then, there is my subjective experience of and feelings about the objective world.
Bipolar disorder (and unipolar depression) are particularly frustrating because we can do everything in our power to create objective conditions for happiness, but still feel anguish because the illness controls our feeling states and our levels of anguish.
I have accepted that the right combination and amounts of medicines (in addition to objective circumstances) are essential to get out of and stay out of anguish.