My name is Kim-Michelle, and no having Homicidal thoughts does not make you a bad person, I have experienced them also. I think for me in particular, when I have been at an extremely low place in my mind and thoughts, and felt as though I was completely trapped within this kind of emotion, I started to feel these feelings. To explain a little further, I was in an abusive relationship for nearly 8 years, I was physically abused, sexually abused, and emotional punching bag for my ex partner and he abused me financially- so to break it down a little further, he used to hit me, smash my head against the wall, throw things at me, even once broke 3 of my toes, after diving on to me ( so me I curled into a ball to help protect myself and that's how the break happened), I was called horrible names for 8 years nearly ranging from bitch, whore, prostitute, no one will ever want a dirty whore like you, I was referred to being a sack of potatoes in bed. He used to rape me repeatedly, to the point where I told him that if he hurt me ( raped me) on this one particular day, then I would go downstairs and get a knife and repeatedly cut myself, he went ahead anyway, ( probably believing I wouldn't do it) and I was left broken and in tears, and so went downstairs, and got the knife and started slashing my body all over as much as I could :/ it was horrible and after wards he would say to me ' oh baby, why did you do that, you know I think your beautiful, why would you hurt yourself like that'.- Quite ironic, he deemed me hurting myself a bad thing, but what he was doing was OK and acceptable in his eyes ( maybe all abusers see it this way- I don't know)-
He went through £3000 of my money on his drug habit, along with numerous take away's daily, as his house was filthy- I wouldn't cook there if my life depended on it..
After that, I used to sit there and just escape into my own little world (a place in which I had created in my own mind) to feel safe, and that's when I started to think what life would be like without him, when I was with him, I never had any hobbies, the best I used to do is either get drunk so I wouldn't feel the pain, or take drugs, or just watch TV and pretend none of it was happening. It was then when I was alone, or even times when I was around him, I used to look at him, and he sometimes used to look at him and think 'why me' 'why should I have to feel like this all the time, and be hurt' I even used to look at other couples and think I wonder if they got hurt and abused like me, at one point during the relationship, I used to think that this was the norm.
Then I started going through a serious anger stage, when instead of him hitting me, or hurting me in a physical way, or emotionally way, I used to hurt myself, I used to sit there and think of all the bad words that he used to call me, like prostitute, whore etc, and call myself them, I called them to myself that much, that in the end I used to believe them, and in so ways still do.
But now I am out of that relationship, now is the time when I have in the past thought of homicidal thoughts against him. How if I saw him again, I would attack him, and hurt him, for all the pain and misery that he has caused me, I know that I would never act out these thoughts, but the feelings sometimes occur now, if my current partner calls me the words that I was called before, and I know that he only calls me them, as he can, and knows what hurts the most. :(
Sorry for the long message, but all I can do is say that in my opinion these thoughts occurred because I was so angry and hurt, and couldn't get over what had happened in that relationship. I still even now blame myself. But at the moment, I am just looking for someone to blame, as it it much easier to blame someone else, than look at yourself identifying all of the faults.
Hope this helps,
Please do message me, if you want to talk further, then you can have my email address, and we can talk privately.
Lots of love