Hi :-)

I'm new to this moodtracker, and I think it's been really interesting to see how my mood has been fluctuating so much. I wonder if this is cyclothymia. I haven't been tracking it for that long yet though so I guess there is still a lot to learn! This is honestly the first time I've been told I might have something other than just plain anxiety. I'm starting to think it's true.

Anyways, I'm happy to have found this forum. I wanted to put up my chart but I still get super embarrassed when it comes to medication. Maybe after getting used to the forum I'll be able to put it up. Is there a way to post it without the medication information? It's always been so difficult for me to discuss what medication I take, and I'm not sure why!

K-peace,
Welcome to the Forum...I think you 'HIDE' your med data & post your chart ~ I'll see IF I can do it now...

You are RIGHT! I swear I've done it before though. Very weird...maybe I forgot?! Oh well, sorry about that.

Have a great weekend

-kby-

Hello,

I did it! BY going into account settings, checking the "hide all references to meds" box & pressing the 'Update' button...

I think it erases it from ALL posts I've ever done...if I go & change it back, it will probably SHOW my meds here again & it will look like I didn't actually do it.

Well we'll see...

Thank you so much!! I really appreciate that you figured that out :-) Ok I'm going to post my chart now. What do you think of it? Oh yeah, also I'm 24, female, and I guess in the past I've been treated for ADHD (but I think they were wrong about this for the most part), some social anxiety and generalized anxiety, and slight depression. Only in the last year did I start feeling actually a bit depressed. But I've been on so much medication (my dad is a psychiatrist so that's probably why!) that I don't know what is medication induced and what isn't! It's so frustrating. Just from looking at my chart so far though, I'm not really sure what to think. Any comments are totally welcome! :-)

Also, Kumbaya, I just wanted to say that I saw some of your other posts on here and I seriously respect your attitude! It IS honestly inspiring to see that even though you have gone through these periods of ups and downs and really hard times in general, you seem to keep a really great attitude about it all. I hope you see this because I honestly respect you for that and it does help me feel like things will get better. Thank you! :-)

Hi Kara4peace,

I totally understand your thoughts on medication induced moods. With the advice from the pdoc and slow discontinuation, I have stopped my medication (the pdoc thought it contributed to hypomanic states I experienced on it).

The only meds I'm on now are anti-inflammatories for my chronic back pain. I'm 26 female also have poly cystic ovary syndrome so want to try to see if there is a correlation between the menstrual cycles and the moods.

I'm monitoring my moods to see if there is any pattern before I consider possibly trying meds but with the bad experience I am still currently reluctant to go on to any. We'll just see what happens I suppose!

BC

I actually have some chronic pain myself. Your situation sounds really similar to mine in a lot of ways! I'm afraid to go off medicine though. I'm trying to come off of a lot of stuff, but I think it is going to take a while! I'm actually interested in how you deal with the chronic pain? I think that has made my situation so much worse. I mean I'm a really anxious person to begin with, but I could deal with it before. Now, the chronic pain is just getting to me so much. It would be great to hear from someone who also has to deal with chronic pain.

Hi Kara4peace,

It takes a while to come off with support from your doc. Be prepared for discontinuation symptoms if you do go ahead with slowly stopping which ever ones you have agreed to.

Yes chronic pain, well... long story short, the doc put me on SSRI's (escitalopram) to help me 'cope' with it. worked for a bit but then didnt. Went back to see doc, he increased meds and put me on Gabapentin to try to help with the nerve pain. well unfortunately one of the side effects from Gaba is suicidal thoughts. To begin with the doc denied this was possible as it has been used as a mood stabiliser but my research (and a bit of self trial and error with starting and stopping it) soon confirmed to me that this was the case.

Also the increase in SSRI added to this. I had the back pain constantly there, I got into the negative thought process of 'this is never going to go away'. Some days it was barely there and manageable others it was hot poker searing pain. Totally unpredictable. I ended up using si to control some of the pain I was experiencing (not a good idea!) and with the pain, trying to get through work each day and stressing with my final year uni exams *(work paid for me to undertake my BSc over 4 years) I kind of had a massive breakdown.

That was when the pdoc said to come off the SSRI's. It has helped being able to have more control over my medication, knowing what suited me and having a plan to see how it goes before looking into further medication if it is necessary. I know at the moment that the exam stresses aren't helping and am interested to see what happens with the moods once these stress factors are removed.

I was lucky enough (to put it one way!) that I mentioned the problems to one of my uni lecturers and she actually does chinese acupuncture and I have been seeing her every 2 weeks since Feb and it is brilliant. Not only does it aid in the back pain but she also uses diffierent points to help balance hormones and other things to help you relax and move the emotions. She also really wants to help me as a person and that is so nice compared to seeing the doc who just treats you as another number!

Well... I'll stop rambling on now and crack on with this last bit of revision - the end of Uni is near!!

BC

Yeah, I've tried coming off medication several times and the symptoms are pretty bad!

So I'm about to turn 25, and so I guess we may be pretty close in age. I'm still in college just because of so many ups and downs I've had over the years. I will be doing fine for a few quarters and then something always happens and I start feeling pretty down. But it looks like I may finally be getting to near graduation. I think it might be just two more quarters which would be absolutely wonderful!! It has been SUCH a long time here at college. It feels like everyone I know has graduated, so that is a bit embarrassing. I guess it is helpful to talk to other people that understand this feeling :-)

So I only tried acupuncture once but after hearing about your experience I am going to make an appointment as soon as I can to get it started again. It sounds like it is worth a try! I also am doing physical therapy and I started massage therapy, but I think the massage is actually hurting it more. The weird thing is that when I went to this specialist around my area they used a small pin, and an ice cube to see where I had feeling on my face and my neck and part of my back. It looks like the feeling is almost gone on the side of my face with all the weird nerve pain, along with down my neck and on my back. I've heard from several people that this is a bit common with serious TMJ issues. It just sucks for now is all! Yeah, trying to get through college with the pain and all this other emotional stuff to deal with is quite a lot! I guess we can be SERIOUSLY proud of ourselves for getting through it. You will probably be able to agree with me that it takes a lot of falling down and picking yourself back up again to get through university with our kind of issues. I've had several times where I feel like giving up, but I guess something good has come out of all of those times. Like the last time I felt really depressed, and I felt like giving up because I had just been told that I was taking a class I don't need for graduation, I actually walked in to the house and I just said, "I'm done, I'm so done with this." I think it was at that moment that I realized I COULD be totally done if I wanted. Even though I only have two quarters or three quarters until graduation, I realized I had the power to just walk away from it all. That's when I realized I was actually completing university for myself. So I guess that was an empowering feeling. Have you had a similar experience? I'd love to keep in touch with you, I honestly haven't met anyone that really seems to understand what I've been going through, so hearing from you is really really refreshing!

Yeah I guess so on the age thing, I'll be turning 27 at the beginning of sept. Totally agree with the discontinuation symptoms. I almost reverted to going back on them a few times to stop the symptoms but pushed through because I knew thats what I wanted and what was best for me.

Totally understand the ups and downs with uni stuff. Its the stress and pressures that just hit at the wrong times. Congrats on being so close to graduation! Although, quick heads up, the final exams for me are so stressful as head keeps thinking they are the be all and end all for the final classification. I keep trying to remind myself otherwise but I have found these the most stressful so far (even more than the first year ones when I had been out of study for something like 3 years so thought I might have forgotten how to do it!).

There's no need to be embarassed about when you graduate. People need time out for various reasons, sometimes you just have to go with the flow of things. Let it ride out.

With the acupuncture, good on you! Find someone you are comfortable with and be totally honest with them. Mine specialises in both 5 Element and Traditional Chinese Acupuncture. Last time I went my back was at its worst for a while and it emotionally got to me during the treatment. I cried my eyes out. she sensed grief in my pulse and asked me about it but I couldnt get the words out at the time. I managed to contact her later that day and tell her the reason why I felt grief - the fact that the back pain, the stress of work, the stresses of studying for so long alongside working and recently with all the medication and head stuff, I felt like my life was ruined. It is hard to open up about things and she notices all my self harm injuries without judgement and I trust her completely.

I'm now in the place where I understand my back will continually be an issue, its not the best thought in the world at 26 and it does suck realising that it is something to live with although you never know what is around the corner and things may improve, especially when the stress of study is over!

I'm not even sure yet (even after 4 years) that I am actually completing uni for myself. It was more for the promise (probably an empty one though!) of more money. The added pressures of work funding it makes it difficult in the fact that if I fail, I not only let myself down, but my family and work.

Once its over though (and we graduate), nobody can take that achievement away from us. It is ours forever! My tutor wants to see me back on the post-grad programme after a suitable holiday but I'm totally done with long term study! I want to get back to living, reading for pleasure (not for academia), going hiking, cycling, holidays and planning the wedding! for the last few months the words: when I finish uni have entered every sentence so I get to drop those!

Hi K-Peace,

I haven't slept for a couple days b/c I'm actually trying to keep up w/my school work. My classes are all online SO my accommodations don't matter! Yo I'm WAY old, but surprisingly there are many of my classmates around my age I think that they're mostly moms. I don't have any kids & I'm beginning to believe I don't even want to anymore...so sad. I have 20 nieces & nephews though they're mostly back in Cali.

I live in Utah now & have been having a hard time w/the weather. I'm originally from Berkeley & had been living right next door in Oakland for the previous 12yrs. The Bay Area isn't very sunny due to the fog BUT the temp is usually around 60.

Everybody here in Orem seems to have 2 or 3 kids by the time they are your age. Not just the women. I've only met 2 guys between 18 & 25 that don't! & I meet a lot of people b/c I go to a lot of 12 Step meetings, I currently don't have a car so I'm always walking or riding my bike & I'm relatively outgoing. Basically I have conversations w/people that I don't know very well! Sometimes I feel out of place here...there's not a whole lot of cultural diversity. My family is very interracial SO are Berkeley & Oakland I guess. My mom is worried I'm going to become a Mormon! I can't NOT drink coffee ~ its the only thing I got left besides Ben & Jerry's. Which is what I'm really trying to quit.

My Dad & Stepmom want me to come visit them In Rancho Mirage which is near Palm Springs before they go back up to San Leandro (East Bay) for the Summer. I wish! I have to stay on top of the schoolwork...& hopefully I will start interning @ Cirque again this week. My Dad said they might sell their house in Pollock Pines which is like an hour away from Lake Tahoe. In the back of my mind I was hoping to live in that house for a while b/c its SO beautiful up there & its about 3+hrs from Oak/Berk. The last time I was up there (in Placerville) I was growing weed (legally) SO maybe it isn't such a good idea. It is actually very beautiful here in Orem too, I just really miss the Ocean & the smell of the salt air. I shouldn't complain b/c I can walk out on the back porch & see the snow covered Mt. Timpanogos, Mt. Cascade & can ride my bike to the Provo River in 10-15mins.

IF I can make up 2 Inc & finish all my classes this semester I may be finished w/the academic part of the LSAC. Its a good thing I already have an AA & BA, b/c it means 2,000 less hours! I knew it would be good for something. I will still have to do 2000 BUT that's much better than 4,000. I go to Utah Valley University. Where are you taking classes? Are you in the U.S.? Some moodtrackers (mt's) are from the UK & Australia....If I was rich I would definitely have to check out some spots on the globe. I was born in Athens, Greece & was 1yr or less old when we left to Bellevue, Wash. so I definitely want to go there. Especially if I don't have any munchkins.

Anyway, BOTH my parents were MD's & out of my 3 blood sisters 2 are MD's & the other does some kind of hospital management stuff. I have not taken my Depakote, Seroquel or Wellbutrin for the past couple days - the scale says I'm 9lbs lighter, WOW I wonder what would happen after a month! Unfortunately I know that I would be CRAZY! What happens is that I decide its a great idea to drop everything & go somewhere to do something not well thought out & usually pretty ridiculous. Then wonder wtf I was thinking?! & then comes a HUGE depressive cycle.

I wanted you to know that I would not judge you for WHAT MEDS you take. That's absurd! It would be like me telling someone not to smoke while I have a big 'ol wad of chewing tobacco in my mouth. I'm very happy that I don't do either anymore. Well I'm going to try to sleep b/c I don't want to be up for 3days It's like 3:45AM here now. I know that my life would be more stable if I could master my sleeping habits. I'm afraid to take any Seroquel now b/c I may sleep for a whole day. Also I have the cheap mt version - its called FREE - so I don't know what the green & blue balls represent. I was very excited when they put dots on the green sleep hours line!

Well now that I'm finished writing this book, I hope you have an excellent week & you as well BC!

-kby-

Hey bikerchick,

I just realized that you joined mt exactly a year and a day after I did...I thought it interesting. I'm WAY over tired right now BUT hope to see more of your posts....Its awesome that you guys (K-peace) have a lot in common. I've found this forum to be HUGE as a way to understand & cope with living life with BP1. I was only dx'd about a year and a half ago.

Have a great week!

hey kumbaya,

Heh, yeah it is kinda interesting! Just finished todays exam. Didnt go as well as hoped. Will wait for the results I suppose.

Its hard to find people dealing with similar stuff so it is really good to be able to share experiences and gain valuable info from others going through the same kind of stuff.

Super tired so just a quick one.

BC

Yeah, I just wanted to write back to both of you quickly also! Haha, you both always write out such long, really well thought out and well written comments that it is intimidating to write a short one! But I actually want to stay in touch even if it just means writing a few sentences, because I think we have an odd amount of things in common. It also really helps to hear that you have been through or are going through these same issues. I swear, already I'm doing better with facing things just knowing that other people are going through these same things. Yesterday I didn't feel like going to class, but I honestly think that after writing to you on this forum, I thought twice about skipping, and then I went anyways. I normally wouldn't have gone, but I just made myself get there! Once I was there, it was pretty easy just to sit and listen, so thanks for being here both of you :-)

Anyways, I was going to tell you both that I'm actually from the Bay Area in California. :-) SO I definitely know what the weather is like and it is pretty gorgeous here. Where are you from bc? I can understand that you must miss being in California kumbaya. That sounds like a long move away from your family. What made you go there to study?

So the funny thing is that to get through this quarter and graduate I actually have to make up 2 Incompletes, while finishing up my other classes and doing a senior project. I'm not working right now, and my parents are helping me get through school. I do feel guilty about that so I feel extra pressure to graduate. Bc - I totally get how it feels like if you didn't graduate you would be letting down a lot of other people. I get the feeling that if I didn't graduate after being in college for 7 years I would be kind of like a failed investment to my parents. But I'm working on not thinking that way. I'm working on trying to think that my parents are completely free to say that they don't want to help pay for things. They are responsible for themselves and if they offer to help and I accept then I shouldn't feel guilty about accepting. I'm trying to remember that I'm not asking for their help, and they are responsible adults who have the ability to say "no" anytime they want. I am REALLY working on trying to get that in my head! :-)

So BC, you mentioned something about planning for a wedding! Is that your own wedding?

Kumbaya, just one more thing, you made me laugh so hard when you were saying that your parents think you are going to become Mormon from living in Utah. Hehe, I like the part about coffee. Yeah, I tried to quit that too...so instead I black tea with about 3 tea bags. Haha! It's probably more caffeine then the coffee!!

Anyways, I'm going to be late for an appointment with a psychologist. Biker- you really have inspired me to look up acupuncture again. I found someone in the area and I'm going to call today to make an appointment for next week. I'll keep you updated while I try it. Sometimes I have a really difficult time sticking with things so I'll let you know how it goes..and maybe that will encourage me to keep going for at least a few months and give it a fair shot for the pain.

I will definitely write again later! This is a great forum to have, and I definitely have a lot more to say, but I should get going ;-)

Hi Kara4peace.

I'm not sure I'd class my ramblings as well thought out. I just type away my thoughts, feelings and experiences and hope they make sense! :)

I'm so glad to hear that you made it into class, thats fantastic well done! And glad to hear that you felt better for going. My lecturers always say that it is easier being in class than skipping and trying to learn stuff by yourself. So give yourself a high five for that :)

I'm so jealous of you right now... California - wow! I'm from southern England, UK.

I know its tough to manage your workload, but by taking it one small piece at a time, working on things in a logical order, I'm sure you will get through it. And yes, I totally understand about you feeling a failed investment to your parents - sometimes at work when I have got too much on, I have to tell my manager that I wont be able to do it all. She then goes to the other staff and asks them to do it to which they always agree. I used to feel guilty about it until someone pointed out that they have their own voices and should say if they cant do it - I have no control over that. Its really nice your parents are there to support you and yes I can see that they are free to stop helping if they want but seems like they really want you to succeed in your studies - as do I! The achievement will be fantastic when its over and nobody can take it away from you.

Yes, will be my own wedding! We've been together 7 years now and bought a house 2.5 years ago so once uni is over (Monday!!) and we've chilled out with some well deserved holidays, we can begin saving for the big day!

Great news about the acupuncture. Hopefully they will be as fantastic as mine and you will feel at ease telling them honestly whats going on. I find it hard to commit to things if I am left to call them to make another appointment so I always make sure I do it whilst I'm there. Although, hopefully you have some others around near you so that if this one doesn't work out, you can see another?? Just a thought.

I'm around until Monday, then I'm off to France for a week for a well deserved break - thought I'd let you know so you dont think I'm not replying, I'm just not in the country!! :)

All the best, let us know how you get on with things.

BC

Haha, I just saw this and I had one more thing to mention. One more thing in common! I'm waiting until I graduate to get married and plan the wedding but I am currently engaged. So I guess my wedding planning will be taking place in the Fall when I will (hopefully) be graduating!

Congrats though for Monday! That is SOOO amazing that you made it through everything and I have so much respect for you! It is inspiring to hear that you made it through.

You also have great advice. Especially about how to take on a large workload. It is about keeping up with the work and doing projects, papers and studying as far ahead as possible.

Thanks for letting me know that you are going on that trip! It sounds like it will be absolutely amazing, and completely well deserved!!

Well, I'm going to go do my exercise now and my fiance is making dinner so I want to be done with my run so I don't hold him up!

I honestly think this is great being able to stay in touch with you and kumbaya. I think you both have a lot of experience dealing with psychological and medical issues. You seem to have some really great advice to offer in regard to dealing with with depression, anxiety and also the elevated moods, while also trying to meet your goals such as getting through university, and college classes.

I'll talk to you soon, I look forward to hearing back from you bikerchick and kumbaya!

Hello!

Congrats on the engagement! We've been engaged for 7 years later this year so we have no real rush at the moment to get married although I'd like to by the time I'm 30 so thats 3 years away yet, plenty of time to save up!

Work load management is hard especially when you start to think about it all at the same time it seems so daunting. That was what I struggled with. But being removed from work and put on sick leave allowed me to take one day, and one piece of work at a time, feel happy that I'd done one piece and get on with the next. It might be a good idea (although might be a bit stressful to begin with) to make a little timetable for yourself. Note down the due dates for each piece then work out when to start on which piece. If you stick to that and allow yourself enough time it should be easier. That way you know you have all your projects accounted for and are on track.

I'm struggling a bit today with some pain and motivation but its only 3 more days to go! I can do it and if I crack on and achieve what I want to today, I can feel good about it.

Hi K4p, BC

I'm slammed w/SO much to do. Good news I'm going to interview for continuation of my internship @ the site I want to. Tried to have a little fun & even that's hard to do.

Have a great weekend!

-kby-

Excellent news on the interview! Hope all goes well with that.

My last exam will be over this time tomorrow. Kind of confident about it but also not!!

Can only do what is good on the day!

BC

Hi BC,

Hope you did well on your exam...I'm procrastinating when I can't afford to. I save my studying for last when its the most important ~ I have to change my behavior before its to late, especially w/these online courses! I may have to start leaving the house & studying somewhere else.

Anyway what do those blue squares mean? Well here's my chart...

-kby-

Hi, got few more hours yet until the exam. I know what you mean about the procrastination!

Sometimes it is better to find some place to study such as local community library or something.

Blue squares indicate menstruation :-)

BC

Hey :-) I just wanted to (once again) quickly say hi.

Biker I hope you did GREAT on your exam!! Hey, I totally know what it takes to just get yourself to study that last bit and it sounds like you have really put in some serious and longterm effort to get where you are.

Let us know how you do and seriously congrats on just getting to the exam. Haha, in my book that is a definite win!!

Well, I'm actually in a great deal of pain right now so I can't write too much. I have to try to keep studying here. Just two more quarters and then I can get the right treatment at Stanford (Kumbaya, you will know what I'm talking about I think!) They have a special pain management clinic and they accepted me (I have a loss of feeling on just one side of my face and back so they thought I was interesting I guess haha ;-)

So a recent interesting thing I noticed with this mood tracker (check it out on my chart) is that when I don't get that sleep and exercise it seems like my moods are down in general. hmm...maybe something to pay attention to!

So BC- how much do you talk to you fiance about your moods and medications? I try to tell mine a lot, it's hard though. I think it is difficult for him to understand fully. When I get irritable, I really don't want to take it out on him, so we came up with a rule that when I say for him to leave me alone for a bit he doesn't ask questions and just goes and does something else for awhile It seems to be working. I just hate putting him in the position of being a caretaker, or making him feel bad because I'm irritable.
Kumbaya, how have you dealt with this in relationships before? I'm really curious how you both have dealt with the ups and downs of your moods when it comes to relationships.

Well, I'm going to try to get some extra sleep and see if I feel a bit better tomorrow ;-) Goodnight!

Hello

The exam went well, just got to wait for the results now. They will apparently be available before june 17.

I dont know really about talking with fiance about the moods. I spent so long in denial about everything, forcing myself to appear happy to all around its hard to be totally honest about my mood. He tries to understand but there are times he asks me why can't you just be happy. Which makes me realise that he doesn't get it fully.

Right I best get my butt in gear and get ready.

Speak in a few weeks

Take care

Hi guys,

No wonder I didn't know what the blue squares were! Also I still have the FREE version of mt. So what do the green circles mean? exercise? I have been exercising like a mad dog: once I get started or finally engage in something I tend to overdo it!

I've been super busy so its hard to get to posting here these days...

About relationships - I was w/a gal for about 10yrs & I started swinging way up into mania the year we got married, consequently our last year together, such a shame ~ I still love her & will forever. I had been sleeping 2-4hrs a night for a very long time & once a week I would try to sleep as long as I could but she would usually wake me up; I started becoming very dysfunctional. I had a couple of panic attacks the 1st of which was SO bad that it was more like a psychotic break b/c I didn't know what was happening. My mom, dad & sisters are MD's & my mom came over w/my stepmother (mom is gay & they been together 20+yrs) & it took a couple hours for them to talk me down; I was hyperventilating & all kinds of stuff. Now I can tell if & when 1 is coming on so they don't affect me that way at all anymore. Also, I had been clean for more than 13yrs, from 16 to 29 BUT was so nuts that it was a relief to start self medicating again. I was also in graduate school @ JFK University (then in Orinda, Ca), working at a deli in Corte Madera & playing In an amateur baseball league that had games all over the Bay Area.

Anyway he said she didn't love me anymore - probably had something to do w/what an A**$%LE I must've been - & I used THAT as the excuse I needed to really go nuts! I left that very evening never to comeback...Ended up serving a 1yr jail sentence in Co. Co. County (Contra Costa) which was not surprising since I was full blown untreated undiagnosed bipolar type 1. Got the divorce papers while in jail. Good for her b/c deep down I knew I wouldn't be good for her & didn't want her to suffer due to my BS. Something in my brain chemistry or inside me or whatever had changed & I didn't know what to do or who to ask for help. She was/has been spared the past 13+yrs of madness! She bought a house in S.F. one of my sisters told me & we haven't spoke in at least 12yrs...

Another thing I almost forgot was that she decide she didn't want to have kids. WHICH blew my mind b/c I though that was one of the main reasons we got married in the 1st place. I also was a little resentful that she traveled to Europe while I was in jail; I had always wanted to & she didn't til then. I definitely don't regret getting married our wedding was awesome! We had the reception at the Claremont Hotel right up the street from my moms house in Berkeley where we said our vows in front of 110 people - we went to Zihuatanejo, Mexico for our honeymoon. Its where they (Tim Robbins & Morgan Freeman) meet at the end of "Shawshank Redemption".

I only got dx'd w/bipolar type 1 in Jan 2010. So its like I'm living a whole other life now! The past decade was like a blur. I've only had 2 short flings a couple months long each w/gals probably as crazy as I was at the time. Today I go to therapy ~ individual & group and attend 12 Step meetings, mostly AA & CA.

The only thing I can say is that its extremely important to be able to communicate in a healthy fashion w/one another. We all have needs that are realistic & vary depending on the individual. They MUST be discussed in order to be met. Avoid guilt trips & feeling guilty. Make sure your expectations are clear IF you have them. Knowing how to compromise w/out compromising self is a huge one for me. I have codependency issues I've realized NOW that I'm not AS crazy!

Once again, sorry about the book! I can't access my stupid online classes from 2am to 10am Sun mornings! I have so much to do that I can't couldn't sleep anyway.

I hope you both have great weeks!

-kby-

Hello!

Back from the hols feeling more relaxed - shame the back pain is still around. I have a plan to get that sorted with the Doc and no more me being fobbed off with rubbish medication, I want it sorted, and I want that now!

Shame I couldn't track my mood whilst on holiday, I was looking forward to grabbing an entire month but I suppose now it is more important as Uni is out the way and what I would call 'normal' life resumes. It will be interesting to see if anything happens mood wise now that stress has gone.

Hopefully should have results in the next few weeks. nervous time I suppose but nothing I can do about it now!

Only a quick one because I'm at work (and should be working!!)

Hope to hear that you are both doing ok and that everything is going as well as it can be.

BC

Haha, yeah I think we are all super busy right now! Kumbaya I have been wanting to respond to your post for a while now but I have finals all this next week! It is just the craziest most hectic time for me. I'm trying to do my classes and make up Incompletes at the same time. Just wanted to let you both know though that I'm still here and as soon as I'm done with a final tomorrow, or maybe Tues (because my final is from 7 to 10 pm at night!) I will write back! I actually have a lot I want to say so I'll be able to write a bit more soon ;-)

So I'll just post my whole May chart below. I guess I figured out a lot from this! Ha, check out how important sleep is to my mood! It's almost directly correlated!! I have seriously been trying so hard to get more sleep. I'm just naturally nocturnal most of the time I guess, but I've been using Ambien to sleep recently so that works. But I definitely did not expect to see such a clear pattern :-)

All the best for your finals!

Hey guys,

Where ya been? I don't have a lot of time these days w/midterms, interning & managing the sober living. I'm so far behind! & trying not to freak out. Sleep is already way outta whack

Anyway I was just thinking of you guys & wondering how y'all been. You can see how crazy its going for me by taking a look at my chart

Hope you're enjoying the Summer ~ I'll be in the books

May you have stability in your lives - kby

Hi one step at a time and you will get there.

I'm back at work full time and all uni is finished. I have my results too, I got a First Class BSc (Hons.) Applied Science degree. :-) After wanting to throw it all away in January and quit uni, i've managed to take it one step at a time and come out with a fantastic result.

Still majorly struggling with my back pain and its got on top of me at the moment. I did seem to settle down a little with the uni stress removed.

Little disappointed but the mood will get better again, I just need to hold on to that. Its hard as ive spent the day in tears.

Take care

Thanks so much BC for staying positive. It means so much to me when I read your comments. You sound like an amazingly strong person, and it is seriously inspiring that you are so brave and determined when it comes to getting the results you want.

As you can see from my chart I've been going through some serious rough patches recently. I'm getting scared that my fiance, who has such a caregiver personality is going to start getting tired of dealing with my neck and jaw pain. It is absolutely agonizing right now so I really feel for you BC!

That just shows how great of a person you are and how strong you are when you say that you are a little disappointed right now but you are remembering that it will get better. I also spent the day in tears so I know how it feels! Maybe it will help if we keep in contact. It sounds like we have a lot in common, especially when it comes to trying to deal with these mood issues with all the pain. I think just having someone else be able to truly understand how frustrating the pain can get while still pushing to reach your goals. Sometimes it just feels pain unfair, and that other people have it easier. But I know that is not how to look at the situation. Life isn't fair is what my grandparents always tell me, and I think they are right. Haha, but I'd say that I've become a stronger person for dealing with all these issues. To me it seems like you may not feel like such a strong person at the moment, but you ARE a REALLY strong person with an extremely determined attitude to get where you want to go in life. I will honestly try to be here as a source of support for you as much as I can. As you know life is throwing us some major hurdles so I totally understand how hard it is to write back on the forum sometime. It just doesn't seem like there are enough hours in the day! But, you are right to take it one step at a time!

I really respect you for how you seem to stay positive and remember that things will get better while you are in such a painful emotional and physical state. When I read back over your notes it is actually helping me deal with my pain right now. I feel bad for my fiance. I just want to tell him go get out of this relationship while he can because I feel like this pain is just not going to go away. But, you honestly do give me hope of at least learning how to take things one step at a time and look to a better future, so thank you :-) seriously!

Ok, I have gotten terrible sleep over the last few nights so I have to log off but I'll check in as soon as I can.


Oh yeah, I'm also finally including the GIANT list of all the medications I take. A lot of them are "as needed" so I don't actually take all of these things at once. I only take a few at once so that is why the list seems so big. I just go with what my psychiatrist says is ok to take together mostly. I now the size of the list is surprising and that is why I am so embarrassed. I want to just come off all the meds (like you BC), but maybe I should save that until I graduate. from college...BY the way CONGRATS on finishing Uni that is SOOOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME!!!!!! I swear you are such an inspiring person :-) I know how much it takes to get through uni and WOW, IT IS SOOO COOL YOU GRADUATED!!! I'm honestly really really excited for you if you can't tell already haha.

Ok, attempt at sleep time!

Hi KP,

Its good to hear from you. I 'm glad that you no longer fear Posting your chart & meds. You can always leave or take feedback. I think its great to be ABLE to get honest experience related feedback from our peers - where else can we get that for free?

I had to drug test 15 people at my intern site today...what a drag. Anyway I have to get back to studying: 4 online classes + an Inc make-up & like 4 term papers! IF I finish it all I will be done w/the academics aspect of my program ~ MY MOTIVATION!

BC ~ You are awesome! I hope I can be like you w/my studies. You are an inspiration. Thank You

-kby-

hello :)

I did write yesterday but obviously I managed not to post it ha! Best see if I can try to remember what I wrote.

K4P ~ its understandable the way you feel about your fiance. I gave mine the opportunity to leave during a large disagreement last week (I was tearful for days) however he's still here. Its tough on both sides in a relationship and dealing with pain and the depression/irritability etc that goes with it. Especially when trying to do your best and study too. It is so hard sometimes to remember that it will get better even at a low point.

As long as we always have places we can vent our frustrations and be understood by others in a similar situation then that definitely helps.

With regards to your meds and your thoughts for reducing/discontinuing at some point, go for it when you are ready. Make sure though that you get advice from your doc about the correct ways to do it as some can take a long time to come off and the side effects are yucky! Also, make sure that you tell those close to you as you will need the support during the time. It is your body, your life, you have the right to choose whether you want to take these synthetic compounds which may/may not be doing you good. Who is to say that when you are off them, you're no different to when you were on them? My acupuncturist has been wonderful at helping to balance my mood since coming off the medication plus she was fantastic when I was suffering withdrawal side effects.

To both you K4P and you kby ~ fantastic news about the studying! Just remember to reward yourself for getting one piece done out of the way. Then you are refreshed to begin the next piece and before you know it, its all over and done with and nobody can take it away from you. I totally understand the pressures we all put on ourselves to do well but I know you both can achieve what you want to achieve. There will be rough patches, its not ideal but they will be there and I sometimes think that acknowledging it, maybe having a few hours to do something different and then going back to it also helps. The artist, Jessie J has a song that is really quite inspirational too, called Who You Are. Have a look on youtube especially try to find the live boombox series where she's singing live in a tube station.

Well, its not quite what I wrote yesterday but then my mood is totally different :)

BC

I had a great week last week. Mood was fab. but it has come down this week. hmm...

I cant sleep tonight, pain is being crazy. I might try and go back to bed in a minute.

How are you guys doing?

Hi bc,

I'm at my station trying to get in an assignment due by 11:59pm = exactly 2.5 hrs. Its gonna be the story of my life for the next 5wks...

Hope you can get some sleep ~ I've been sleeping like crazy lately b/c its what I do when I feel depressed & hopeless.

I usually snap out of it; just hope it won't be to late this time.

-kby-

Hope the assignment went ok. Keep positive, one assignment done and out the way - well done - I know just how hard that can be :-)

Got a little sleep and off to work now.

Bc

Pain has come back. Caught me off guard. trying to battle it off with medication. Not ideal but I'm not head strong enough to deal with it so its kind of easier to take some pills.

Sleep and mood has taken a hit.

IT WILL get better...

Not doing too badly at the moment (probably just spoken too soon though).

Sleeping better using amitriptyline for pain control. The acupuncture and cupping has really reduced the tension in my back which is great. Hopefully with good management of the pain, the mood will settle.

Hope you are both doing ok?

BC

Hey! Wow, I've been not keeping track of my mood for a bit just because I got so sick for the last 4 weeks. I'm not sure what I had but it was this terrible cough and cold that lasted over three weeks. I started feeling better for three days and I was so happy, but then my fiance went traveling and brought back a cold which I'm now dealing with! I'm soo sick of being sick.

BC - I feel like I can maybe understand a bit of what you are going through with the pain. It really does influence mood so much. I guess there are just so many emotions that can go along with the pain. Sometimes it is just so frustrating and doesn't feel fair, but those thoughts are never ones that help right ;-) So the place i had been going for help with the jaw pain while I still have to be in school (just for this last quarter) sent me to a pain management clinic. This was my first experience with an actual clinic. It felt so weird to be treated like a drug addict! I mean the place I live is a really nice town but when I stepped in to the pain management office i was treated really badly! They talked down to me and were really unhelpful. It kinda makes me angry, have you had an experience like this? Instead of trusting me to tell them the medications that I am taking they want me to give them a urine sample every time I go in to see the doctor. Since I'm going to be out of this town in a month anyway, and getting pain treatment at a really great place back at home, I don't think I'm going to go back to this clinic. Although, the doctor did give me Baclofen which is a muscle relaxant and Lidoderm patches. BC, have you ever tried Lidoderm patches? You can wear them for 12 hours and I think this is the first time my pain in my neck, back and face have been reduced!! I wear one every night, and I cut it up so I can put it on the spots that hurt the most. Then it kinda numbs those areas and the pain just isn't so bad the next day. It might be retraining the nerves a bit, but I suggest trying this out since this is the first thing that has actually made a REAL difference in the level of pain for me! It has made it so much more manageable that I can go about my daily activities for the most part without having those really intensely painful days where I can't get anything done.

Kumbaya - How are you feeling now? It sounds like you were having a really rough time the last time you posted. Seems like you were dealing with a real down period in your mood, that is really really harsh. I know what my depression feels like, and I know that any depression just feels miserable. I think what I have seen from your previous posts to other people is that you will remind people who are feeling really depressed that it WILL lift and things will get better. I really respect you for giving that advice, but I also feel like it is always so hard to take your own advice. I know I love to give advice to people and help them out, and if I took care of myself the way I take care of other people I would be pretty well off! I hope you find a way to take care of yourself while you are feeling this way. Let me know how you are doing since your post is from a bit ago, I'd really love to hear how things are going.

Had a good run last night, 2 miles (3.3Km) and ran almost all the way.

Just had run in with the boss at work. I'm now trying to calm myself down. She's so frustrating sometimes.

Pain is once again creeping in. Seeing the doc on Friday see what they say again. I think their idea was to refer me to pain clinic and that too will be my first time - hope I have a better experience than you K4P - that sucks :( Is there any other clinics around that you can request to go to?

Ack I was doing ok today until the boss annoyed me. Now I'm angry and upset all at the same time. Ruining my work plan I had all worked out in my head. Stress of my life she is.

Man, your boss sounds like a real pain in the you know what haha. I think I am like you maybe in that I let encounters with other people really get to me and it's hard for me to stop thinking about them. I know some people that can just brush those things off. It's difficult for me to brush off bad encounters with other people. I always replay it in my head way too much...sometimes I wish I just had an off button for my brain!

You know, the pain clinic really isn't that bad if you just accept that they do see people that have drug problems most likely, so they are just treating you with the standard procedures that they use for everyone. I guess I need to look at it that way too haha. Let's make a deal, I really should make one more appointment to go in before I leave this area, so I am going to try my best to not take the things that are said to me and that I have to do at the pain clinic so personally. So how about the deal is that we will both work on not seeing these negative encounters with some people as personal attacks. Instead maybe we can both use these experiences as a way to practice not allowing other people's comments and actions to have such a long term effect on us. I like the analogy that I once read in a book on anxiety and social anxiety: The author said that you should try to imagine your thoughts that go through your head as a river. You have the option of getting in the river and wading around (which is equivalent to how I obsess over each thought)...or you can imagine yourself sitting on the side of the riverbank and just allowing your thoughts (both negative and positive) to flow through your mind without judgment. I guess the point of this exercise is to accept that we may be wired to let our thoughts influence us, and put us in a negative mood, but despite this wiring, we still have the power to accept that even though we may have negative thoughts, we can just see them as a thought that is temporarily flowing through our mind and nothing more.
Haha, I normally don't really do exercises like this because it feels kinda silly, but I actually think there is something to imagining negative thoughts as being harmless unless you decide to "wade" in them. I know that when I try to think that way I feel a bit more control over which thoughts I want to attend to, and this has a positive influence on my mood. I guess I just thought it might be worth a try :-)

Also, BC, let me know if you have ever tried the lidoderm patches. From what the doctor at the pain clinic said, they are pretty harmless, and it is just so much better for you than pain medication. I just feel like they have really helped me and I honestly would be so happy if I can help you find something to relieve a bit of the pain. When I read your posts about the pain you are experiencing I just feel like I can really relate to what you are going through, and from what I have learned from my personal experiences, it is so damn hard to deal with.

I guess the other thing I wanted to say is that I had a talk with my fiance the other day about the chronic pain. While we were talking I really came to the realization that with chronic pain there are just a few options/solutions. The first thing that I am going to do is to get to the right doctors after graduating to see if they can help me relieve some of the chronic pain. If they can't, and I need to accept that I might have to live with this pain, I will be extremely upset at first, but then I know that I will move forward and find a pain psychologist, and I WILL learn how to adapt to the situation by learning some cognitive and behavioral techniques for pain management. I found the idea that I have made backup plans to deal with the pain extremely comforting and empowering if getting rid of the chronic pain just isn't an option. I guess it's my personal opinion that because we have had to deal with having these symptoms of cyclothymia or bipolar disorder, we are so much more resilient than the average person. Think about all the times you have fallen down figuratively, and you have picked yourself back up again and fought to get what and where you want. I just feel like we are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We have had to train ourselves in the art of falling apart for a bit, and then finding the courage and strength to pick up the pieces and move on. BC and Kumbaya, I think both of you have these amazing qualities of resilience, strength, and courage, and I think that these qualities are part of what makes us amazing people....and I guess it just feels like maybe we owe it to ourselves to recognize how tough and brave we actually are.

Well, I can't say that my day went so perfectly. I think I'm just so sick of being sick that I got really irritable and a bit depressed earlier today. I feel a bit bad because my fiance had to witness all my swearing and anger at not being able to find my notebook. It's actually embarrassing to think about he way I acted, but maybe you can understand how sometimes the irritability and anxiety go hand in hand to just put you a bit over the edge. I think maybe the best way to deal with what happened today is to apologize to my fiance for how I acted (even though I don't feel like haha, I just have to say the words!), and then I'm just going to try to laugh about how I acted. I think when we have to deal with so much crap, it makes life just that much better and easier if you can laugh at yourself. So after I finish writing on here my plan is to just apologize to my fiance for my behavior, and then to just allow myself a good laugh about the ridiculousness of my anger and irritability over such a trivial thing today ;-) I know that even when I don't feel like laughing at all, if I make myself smile and laugh a bit, I will feel better just because I guess the muscles involved in laughing and smiling are linked to certain areas of the brain. I remember learning this in one of my psychology classes that just the act of making yourself smile will (by the brain's wiring) make you feel better...even if you feel like that is the last thing you want to do haha. I guess this goes hand in hand with the idea that although we may not have control over the thoughts that enter our heads, we do have a control over the thoughts that we choose to attend to. Let me know what you think about this!

Once again, I have to say it really is great to have you guys on here to talk to. It helps that there is some mutual understanding of the pain that we experience and the scary emotional roller-coaster rides that sometimes happen. I guess I'm just trying to work on one thing at a time, and right now I think that working on this technique of learning to control which thoughts I choose to attend to is pretty powerful and helpful. It may seem so difficult, but the way that I'm starting to train myself is just by practicing this with one frustrating or emotionally painful moment a day. Today I was late for a meeting with a person in my class for a group project, and I started to recognize the thoughts of embarrassment that were piling up in my head (I guess I was definitely starting to wade through them), but then I just took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and imagined letting these negative thoughts of embarrassment flow by me and exit my head as I sat on the bank of the river. Haha, trust me I'm feeling embarrassed right now telling you about this but I guess if I can even help you both out a bit with ideas that I'm trying out, then it is worth the embarrassment ;-)

Saw GP Friday. She basically has written me off. in her words 'we're looking at a management now rather than a cure'

Well thats just great - I get to suck it up - welcome to my life

Bah!

Grumble over.

Ugh that really sounds crappy! I already do NOT like your boss. I know it's been a bit of time since I last heard from you so how are you dealing with all this now? Let me know what has happened! Has she gotten any better or easier to deal with, or have you figured out a way to deal with her that feels better? That really does suck to feel out of control of the situation because you have to act a certain way around someone even though you don't like them, or they don't treat you the right way. I feel like i can understand this feeling a bit at least. Let me know how you are dealing with this as of now, I love hearing from you :-)

Hey, yeah things have settled at work but then my mood has been better!

Saw doc other day who is sending me to a pain clinic. Hopefully something will happen there.

Got job interview tuesday then its my birthday wednesday!

Hope you are good

BC x

Oh cool, happy belated birthday ;-) darn I wish I'd checked earlier now! It sounds like things are looking up for you a bit. Just wondering, I think I forgot but have you been to a pain clinic before? I'm pretty sure you said you had. I am actually in the process of moving right now. I haven't yet finished up my degree but I am able to complete the rest without being on campus.

So I started some physical therapy and I'm going to start some more pain management at a separate place. It won't be a clinic since I had a bad experience with the clinic where I live now. I just felt like they didn't trust me at all, and I had to give that urine sample every time I went in there. I asked my psychiatrist about this particular pain clinic and he said he had heard some really bad things about the way they treat people. So I'm sure that there are pain clinics that are really good, I guess this one just didn't have the patient's best interest in mind. All the people who worked there seemed to think that the patients were just trying to get drugs, painkillers etc. So it felt really terrible to not be trusted at all, but I guess I can understand at the same time why they may be a bit jaded, right?

So how did your job interview go, and I really hope you had some fun on your birthday!!! That is great that things seem to have settled for now and you are feeling pretty good. Sometimes when I'm feeling much better I like to actually keep track of my good moods each day so that if I have a down period again I can look back and see that things will get better :-) A bit embarrassing but I will write little notes to myself like "don't worry if you feel bad right now because I'm in a great mood today, and you will feel better again!" haha, then I really do look back over these notes to make myself feel better if a medication stops working, or the pain acts up....you know how it is!

Hope to hear from ya soon :-)

Cheers! and no worries :)

No havent been to pain clinic before and am still waiting on the appointment. Sucks that I had a real bad pain day on my birthday. Sounds like you have done so well for your studies, even with the move its the final push for now :)

I've been to physio too although his statement that I'll be cured in 6 weeks is as false as I originally thought! Not sure what the pain clinics are like here. We'll see when I finally get an appointment.

Yeah its been a good month really. Confidence has boomed and I've managed to drive people crazy with my singing!!

Interview was tough. We'll see what happens. Another job has come up at work and its something I'm interested in and keeps me in the lab whereas the other is more office based. Everything is coming all at once and I could end up with some hard decisions - just hope I make the right ones.