Too cut a very long story short..
I have been on Anti-Depressants for the last 11yrs now. Every few years trying a different form because they seem to just stop working! I consider myself to have had a few traumas in life or 'issues' with x2 past suicide attemps plus holding a knife to my wrists :/ I have held everything in and kept all problems to myself for 11yrs, which i now know was the wrong thing to do!
In January 2011 i finally 'talked about my feelings & the way i am with a gp' After struggling for sooo long with gp's that just wasn't interested and gave me repeat prescriptions of anti-depressants for years! I finally found a gp that was willing to listen after literally bein dragged to see her by my mom because i was in a 'very low state' at the time 'Jan 2011' where it seemed like nothin and no-one could help me.. A place of being stuck in the same state for so long, but again not helping myself either because i was too ashamed 'and still am' to admit that i have a mental health problem.
My gp has been amazing so far and sent me for help with a physciatrist, psycotherapy..
The only problem is i find every time i go and seek help i am seen by a different phsyc doctor which isnt helping me one bit because they all have something different to say, so i dont know quite where i am with them plus having to repeatedly explaining my symptoms over and over again to different doctors! I have tried keeping a written diary, but found that if i had a bad day and truely wrote my feelings on paper.. The next day i would be feeling completely different and found it all a bit too much to read and take in!! So i found Moodtracker.. Read some of the posts which really hit a nerve, because the way in which some of you describe your feelings hit the nail right on the head!!
Depression, Cyclothymia, Bipolar, Whatever it is that i have been suffering from for so long! I feel like i have spoken out finally and starting to get the help i have needed for a very long time!
My physc docs have partially diagnosed 'Cyclothymia' and today i have started on Lithium aswell as my normal daily intake of Fluoxetine! My mom has been diagnosed Bipolar & my brother suffers with ADHD so family history is there!
I don't think my doctor's are completely sure what i am suffering from as i find it so hard to express my feelings 'issues' I go through different 'states' every so often 'highs & lows' From severe depression - Where i won't leave the house, interact with anyone! The blinds are shut and the doors are locked. I wont answer the door, phone! I will stuff myself with food 'gain dress sizes' and just sleep! Hoping to wake up feeling better! Or normally just waking up thinking 'Why did i have to wake up at all' I wont wash - Just wallowing in my own depression i guess...
On the other hand i have extreme highs! Where i will have sooo much energy! Need very little sleep! Move around like the 'Duracell Bunny' for days/weeks on end! Low appetite! Therefore 'losing dress sizes' Feeling constantly wired! Wanting to make myself look beautiful.. Go out and socialise.. Exercise! Making jokes, laughing out loud! Just as i start enjoyinjg the 'high' .. Before i know it the 'low' will hit me again.. Emotional, tearful, wanting to 'just sleep'
Lately i have had a pretty 'mixed episode' where my mind is in overdrive! Racing thoughts, unable to sleep. Anxiety, Extreme OCD! But my body is 'Totally Drained' I also have Anger Issues.. Where i will lash out over the smallest things! Unimportant things! I feel constantly Stressed & On the edge! Tense! And this is why i ended up spilling everything out to my gp.. Because sometimes i feel that i get that angry i would not harm myself but i may harm someone else! Anyone who looked at me the wrong way, said the wrong thing at the wrong time! I would lash out 'Maybe even physically hit them' I felt i was a danger to others more than a danger to myself! That if it got any worse i would lash out to an extreme at 'anybody' and possibly find myself in trouble with the police..
This has affected every part of my life! I am 31yrs old and have an 11yr old daughter. I have had x3 relationships 'The last one was 2005' My heart broken x3 times and i wont let anyone remotely close to me! I trust no-one! I have pushed all my closest friends away! Even my family but because they are family they will always forgive u no matter what! My last job '2008' i left because co-workers would notice the changes in my mood from one day to the next or 'weeks' I bacame paranoid on who i could trust, whether they knew something was wrong. I was vile to a few of them.. And lovely to others! :/ Most of the time i feel in a very lonely place as i dont express my feelings and no-ones seems to understand me!
OCD is another issue.. When feeling 'highly elevated' i will feel the need to repeatedly 'check everything' Doors, Door handles, Windows, touching doormats with my feet!? :/ Most of these handles have had to be replaced as they have fell off i have checked them that many times! If i clean a room i keep going back in to check everything is as it was when i left it '5mins before' It takes up alot of my time. I dont know why i do it!?
My own insecurities, low self esteem, putting myself down all the time.. But on the other hand i will be soooo confident! So bold! Funny! Sociable! I really feel that i am 2 people rolled into 1 at times..
Hoping that some sort of medication is going to help me feel 'Normal' again.. If i ever was.. Depakote didn't agree with me! I felt like a lab rat! And it just put me to sleep! First day of Lithium and ive got everything crossed that my road to recovery is hopefully not going to be a long one!
This wasn't meant to be such a 'long post' so apologies for the 'Essay' but i do feel kinda better for getting some of it out.. Even if no-one listens or reads it..
Any response or advice/guidance would be greatly appreciated!
Jodie Xx
Current medications as of 09-15-2011
05-01-2007 - Present: |
Fluoxetine, 40mg. Once a day |
09-15-2011 - Present: |
Lithium - Priadel, 200mg. One at Night |
Joined: 01-11-2011