BPD and Relationships

Right now things are so hard with my husband. I don't know what to do anymore. I have BPD, depression and anxiety. I know that I have been difficult to live with. I admit to my faults. I am trying to get better. I have been in a successful counseling program and a group therapy program and seeing a Psychiatric nurse practitioner for meds. I have come a long way but seemed to have reached a stalemate.

A year ago, I found out that my husband was soliciting sex from the internet. He says he didn't meet anyone in person. While we were engaged, he cheated on my with a woman from work. Prior to the past year, he was in touch with his past girlfriend where she wanted him back and he indulged her with emails and phone calls. I know my illness and erratic behavior pushed him away beginning years ago, but that was at the height of my illness. Since then I have been searching for relief from my symptoms and control of my life. I have been trying to modify my behavior so he could feel safe from my anger and rage. I am so much better.

I have few BPD symptoms remaining - mostly abandonment. It is so hard to keep them in check right now. The anxiety and depression won't go away. I don't want a divorce, but I have been struggling to trust him for the past year. I have tried to get things back on track, but he isn't trying. I know he cares for me and doesn't want a divorce either. I don't want to be chasing after his attention forever either.

He used to be so understanding of my anxiety. His father has anxiety and depression. However there came a point where he just backed away and never came back. He is willing to see a counselor, but I left it in his hands to find one because I feel like I need to see some effort from him. That was weeks ago. We have two children, 6 and 3, and I can tell they are starting to feel the weird vibes. I don't know what to do.

I know you can't help, but I am looking for support as I don't have any close friends. It is difficult for me to cultivate those kinds of relationships.

Welcome to the board. Don't be disheartened that people are slow to respond as this board is not as active as the bipolar board. I really can see how you are trying to change. You seem as if you have a good therapist. Now you need to help your hubby get one too. Seeing a therapist is daunting for some, and a nudge to get started might be all it takes.

I am glad you both sound as if divorce is not the answer. It usually never is unless there is violence or emotional abuse. Seems that when people divorce, they are no happier. So one might as well work with what they have.

I can understand the trust issues you are having. That will take time to heal. What can you do to get the anxiety in check so you can move forward. Have you tried anything just completely different? Lately, I have put my anxious energy into cooking. I am really interested in it and it keeps my mind occupied. Therefore, less anxiety. Perhaps yoga, gardening, running--lots of things can help. Do you mood track?

I actually do not have BPD, but complex PTSD and bipolar. However I have a lot of overlapping traits with BPD including anxiety, rage, depression etc., which is why I also peruse this board. (I think bipolar, BPD, PTSD and anxiety are in one big swirling pot.!)

Therapy is a godsend and really heals. Regardless, I do see in myself how stubborn depression and anxiety can be. But, I am trying new things, some work, some don't. See what you can think of and post. We will be here.

Take care.

Thanks for your reply. I am fighting the good fight, but it is tedious. I wish I could put my energy into something, but I broke a bone in my foot in February and after casting, wearing a cam boot, and time, it didn't heal. I had surgery 2 weeks ago, and I am stuck at home and I am not able to do much as I am supposed to keep my leg up. My husband works and my kids are in school. There are only so many things I can do that are mentally and emotionally stimulating. Despite the loneliness, I have learned to be by myself and not feel abandoned. I am thankful good things are coming out of this. I just wish I could do more. Many of the coping mechanisms I have developed use the anxious energy in more appropriate ways. I mood track daily since March. I connected my psychiatric nurse practitioner to my page. I am growing more depressed. I was going to ask her to look into Pristiq. Have you heard of that? Thanks for your response.

My gosh--you are in a rough patch! I see how it must be difficult for you to make a change when you cannot even leave the house. You can only read so many books and watch so many movies. Are you able to get out into the sun for a bit each day? Are your kids off school yet?

I recently did something for myself that has proven to be more mentally stimulating than I thought it would be. I downloaded an app for beginner's German. You start out learning numbers and it goes from there. It is all in a game format. SInce I like puzzles and games, it really trips my trigger! If you have ever thought about learning a language, you could perhaps try it now.

My husband is a golfer and I see him very little in the summer. I have no other family or children. Therefore, I am alone a lot. Recently, to keep myself occupied, I have started going through all of my cookbooks and getting rid of the ones that I don't use. It is time consuming, but I feel like it is worthwhile since there is more room on my bookshelves every time I sit down to do it. Plus, it keeps my thoughts in line--it is time spent not worrying. Perhaps another idea for you?

Sorry to be so non-helpful! I just hope you are feeling better today.

I don't know where you go for services but I would like to suggest maybe finding a family support group for your husband to join. It might help him to talk to others in the same situation as him. Let's face it, it's not easy to deal with us. We can be moody at times and downright frustrating to deal with because we are often resistant to change. NAMI might also be an option for him as well. Remember while your issues are his issues, he has issues of his own arising from dealing with yours, on top of his own personal life.

And yeah I know I wasn't very supportive in the past of NAMI, but I found out the reason I didn't get answers from the NAMI representative in my area. FIrst her son committed suicide and then her husband passed. These occurances just happened to coincide when I reached out to them for help.

I wish you and your husband to be able to find some kind of common ground where you can deal with your issues of feeling abandoned and your fears of losing him. Perhaps you can even discuss having a family meeting with your therapist and the both of you. Whatever you do, keep fighting. You are a strong person to have gotten this far in life, and it sounds to me that you have made alot of progress. Keep up the good work.

Take Care

Ardent