Changes

Well as some of you may have already read, my half sister has been in touch with me and told me a little of what I have to look forward. Three sisters and a mother I have never met. At first, the excitement of the whole idea had me on a natural high that I haven't had in a long time. I was so happy. Then the BPD brought me down today.

I started thinking about what kind of questions they would be asking me. I've already been asked if I have children. I know they are going to ask about what I do for a living and eventually there are going to be questions about my childhood and mental illness. It spiraled into how I am nothing but a piece of garbage and how could anyone ever love me... I didn't let those feeling win though, they are still there, but a friend of mine from online helped me get a grip on things. They are after all family. I have to at least give them a chance to know me.

I'm still pretty scared. It's potentially a huge change in my life. Just getting to know my blood relatives alone...

I wanted to share this too because I wanted to acknowledge my BPD and the problems it continues to burden me with despite good news. I'm hoping that my experience here will share some insight and help others turn these kind of events around so they are not so overwhelming.


May love grace each of your lives.

Ardent.

Good for you Ardent. Just put your best face forward and be yourself. However, I don't know that I would volunteer info about your MI unless it clearly runs in the family. People that don't suffer with it just don't understand. What are your thoughts on that?

Well I called the number last night...and I was told that there was no person of the name I was given there. I checked the number and double checked and called again thinking maybe in my excitement I dialed wrong. Again I was given the same response and I even made a point of identifying myself. I guess maybe they changed their minds about meeting me...

Guess I should just be happy I didn't lose anything and I had a few days where I was happy and didn't feel empty. It was nice while it lasted.

I am so sorry Ardent. I hope that you find something to take away the empty feeling. Do you have any pets? My dog is such a companion. The house just feels empty if she is away for any reason. Dogs just love on you no matter what. Of course you have us here. Have you ever been to a NAMI group or something like that?

I have some small animals for pets, but how does that make up for never really having had a family? I have plenty of people in my trailer park that I can hang out with...it's not the same.

I did get another lead. I contacted the woman who gave me the initial lead to where I sent the original mail. Explained to her what happened. She said this is something that commonly happens when a woman gives up a child for adoption. It's a very painful thing to come to terms with. So what she did was she researched the youngest daughter and got me an address and phone number. Thing is I am not really sure what to do at this point.

I see your point about the pets. I have always had some family, dysfunctional, but still family. All I have left now is my husband. No kids. Though I am married, I am still lonely. (Either that or chronically depressed or something. My PTSD comes out in all different ways. ) So I guess for me, the dog is a great filler.

As far as the new lead goes, I would give it a try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained! If you make contact, perhaps just let her know that you understand if your birth mother feels too much pain to see you, but you would love the opportunity to meet your half-sister(s) if that is something they feel comfortable with. Let them know that you have no other family. Be persistent, but not pushy. If they still don't want contact, then I am thinking it is their loss. A huge one. You seem like such a nice person.

How old do you think the youngest daughter is? Do they live in the same area? If they searched for you on line, would they find anything that would make them think twice about meeting you? There is so much on line--what if they searched for you and got someone else with the same name and not a nice background? That would be really unfair, but I have seen that happen with a friend. It cost him a lot of money.

Perhaps your counselor will have some ideas too--I think you mentioned having one?

Take care Ardent.

If they searched for me there isn't really anything on the internet about me. As far as where they live it's a trek and I would have to take a train to meet my littlest sister. My oldest sister is 39 and the youngest I believe is 31. The youngest is the one that made initial contact.

It hurts that they don't want to have me as part of their life. I've come to the conclusion I'm just a piece of garbage. It's ok though, my life hasn't changed any for the worst, I just know now that trying is pointless. Hope is dead. I will join it soon enough.

Ardent--you are not garbage. I wish I could convince you of that. Is it fair to say you are a bit stubborn to acknowledge something good about yourself? That is something I am working on myself. Your issue here is sort of timely as something I have learned recently really applies. Basically, it has to do with reflection and the avoidance of assuming the worst about yourself. Here you are coming to the conclusion that they don't want you to be part of their life and that you are garbage. But maybe there is a reason why they have changed their mind.

Maybe your biological mom is really freaked out about the potential contact and has made her daughters promise not to pursue a relationship. Or maybe she has cancer and cannot deal with anything outside of her treatments that might be stressful--even if it is something good. Or maybe her husband has forbidden any contact. Or maybe ----- you see where I am going? Instead of automatically assuming something is wrong with you, think of ways that there could be something wrong with them instead.

It is impossible to guess the reason why they are ignoring you. So please try to think at least more neutrally about the topic and know that you as a person could have very little to do with their decision. I know this is easier said than done, but if you think about it, it does make sense.

I am pretty thin-skinned and believe that people dont like me at work. All it takes is a sideways glance. I just avoid them. My therapist pointed out that maybe I come across too aloof because I don't say much. Could be why they don't ask me to lunch or go out of their way to speak to me. I did some experimenting and actually initiated some conversations with some of my coworkers. While I still haven't been invited to lunch with them, they did not seem to mind talking with me and were pretty nice. TIme will tell if my therapist is right, but I can see where her advice makes sense.

Anyway, just thought I would pass that on. I hope you can find some way to feel better soon. Take care.

Actually I feel pretty good because I found a piece of mind. I'm alot calmer and relaxed then I was. I've pretty much given up on the idea of having family. Thing is now I appreciate even more the friends I do have, and that's a positive thing.