Ah...stability

The last three days have been good...like normal good. I'm scared to hope that the stability sticks around. My pdoc increased my Seroquel dose to 300 mg about three weeks ago. Maybe it's finally kicking in?? I really have no explanation. Aside from the past three days, I've been so unstable and depressed I felt like giving up. It's ironic that I just met with my pdoc again yesterday and she prescribed Lamictal as a mood stabilizer; I just filled the prescription today. I was already conflicted about adding another med, now I'm not sure whether to take it or hold off to see what happens the next few days or so. It can't hurt, right? I mean, I don't want to start taking a new med if the increase on the current med might actually be working. Does that make any sense? Is it wishful thinking? Maybe I should e-mail or call my pdoc and let her know what I'm thinking, although she probably won't be too happy, especially since she's going on vacation after tomorrow. I don't know what to do! I'm not even sure why I'm still rambling on. I only intended to share my three days of stability news with people who would appreciate the struggle it took to get to this point, even though I don't count on it lasting.

Congrats jd!

That is awesome. I'm so happy for you. June I was more " normal " than in 10yrs! I'm adjusting to having my depakote reduced in half to 750mg @ night w/my seraquel which was increased so I now am supposed to take @ least the 300mg if not 400mg. They've added strettara ( for ADHD ) & its taking longer than I would like.

It took 5mos for me to level out - it was worth the wait. Something definitely needed to be done about my adhd since I'm trying to go back to college by the end of next month. As much as i would love to be prescribed benzo's & ritalin they are addictive & I didn't stop smoking weed & drinking just to switch. One day maybe I'll be able to enjoy a beer & a bong hit w/out being triggered or having it mess w/my meds but its going to be awhile. Plus I'm saving so much time & money too!

I really hope this period lasts for you - God Bless

Yay jen d!
I saw my therepist on the 27th, which was when the self induced mania finally burned down. She was absolutely appalled that I'd tweaked my Depakote and was not nearly as pleased as -I- was that it'd done (almost) exactly what I'd expected to happen. And then I slumped predictably (I've had a weird tension relase thing that often sparks a low after my last six or eight visits with either the pdoc or therapist), and viola! settled right into hitting that "magic eight" on my sleep number.
Let's coast for a while, the familial unit is driving to LA next week, maybe catch Vegas for a day on the way back to Houston.
hug
-k-

Jen, if you're feeling okay on what you're on then it wouldnt hurt to wait a day or two before starting the lamictal. You just need to be really honest with yourself about your moods and if you find even the slightest dip, you should start on the lamictal. When we are reluctant to add more meds, we can fool ourselves into thinking everything is okay just to justify not taking more meds. That can be quite dangerous as we might miss the signs and end up crashing before we realise it. Experiencing a moment of respite from the contnuous depression can be such a huge relief and it is possible that what you are feeling is long term. Remember to keep tracking so that you can identify the lows well before they get out of hand.

Regarding your pdoc, I do think you should call her and let her know how you are feeling. I dont she will get angry. She has choosen her particular line of work and I am sure she realises the demands of the profession she has choosen. Dont be afraid to ask when you are unsure..

Hi JD,

I was wondering how things are going for you now. I am experiencing some stability in my life right now although things are getting kinda hectic ~ I'm taking 12hrs in college, interning 3days a week & the house manager of a "sober" living.

Even though I'm only an intern, I had to attend an employee orientation & sign a whole bunch of forms. Its at a treatment center so there is a lot of ethical, confidentiality, no fraternizing, no receiving of gifts, random drug testing, etc. There's always drama where I live...Anyway I'm trying hard to keep up w/my online courses, but I'm way behind. I needed to start interning before I could do any work in a couple of my classes.

What's surprising is that I'm baseline. Not feeling great about being behind in my studies but think I'll be able to do a lot of catching up over this weekend....

I came back to this thread bc its important for me to remember where I came from & where I'm going. I'm heading in a positive direction & hope that you are too.

-cb-

Hi CB. I'm glad to hear you are doing well. :-) I can't remember, but I think you were the one who started Lamictal around the same time as me (late Aug.)?? I apologize if I'm wrong; I forget things a lot more than I should. How do you feel Lamictal has worked for you?

Overall things for me were going well until the holidays. Right before Thanksgiving, my mood had gone to sh!t and I ended up on suicide watch for the first time ever. It was really hard to ask friends to take shifts babysitting me that weekend. I hadn't told anyone besides my husband about my mood, meds, etc. and sometimes feel that those friends are now walking on eggshells around me. December was back to "normal," but the past few weeks have been kicking my @ss. I think it's just because my schedule has been disrupted. I've had several dr./dentist appts. not related to moods (two that caused a lot of anxiety until I got the test results back and everything was normal), my work schedule has been a bit inconsistent, sometimes working more, sometimes working less. I see my pdoc on Tuesday and my therapist on Thursday. I've applied for the DBT program to shake things up a bit b/c what I'm doing now isn't working well. I think things will start to come back together when my schedule has returned to normal (this week) and I've started the DBT program to help with things that throw me off way too easily.

Here's to continued stability... :-)

I have stability in my depression. It would be better to go way up and then down than to just stay down. Stability and baseline are different then right?

I haven't taken my Abilify in a few days since I am afraid of it now, but my pdoc
put me back on it. :-( I want to try Lithium.

I am glad you are stable now,:-) I hope to be baseline stable soon too!

Glad to hear you have got some stability finally :)

Waiting on mine. Pdoc finally got more abilify samples and just raised my dose for now to help the cycles

Bipolar123, why are you afraid of Abilify now?

Hi Jend,

I got a new p-doc when I was ok'd for non-standard medic-aid (whatever that means). For some reason he took me right off of the Lamictal & added bupropion (Wellbutrin or Zyban if you're trying to quit smoking). I think I've become too busy to be depressed.

I'm very interested in this DBT stuff. Its super hard for me to change my behavior, I'm an old dog, but when I do my thought patterns (& feelings) begin to change as well. What a surprise HUH!? Let me know what its like

What's funny is: at my internship site, I've already been given a client to case manage & will probably get another....Its sooo weird being on the other side. I worked w/him today; he is just over 20 & extremely depressed, but not bipolar. 1 year ago I was exactly the same. He did let his defenses down for a minute & shed a few tears BUT even my supervisor said he's going to be a complicated case ~ well so was I when I was a resident there.

I AM SO FAR from being cured - its ridiculous. Been going to therapy 4 times a month til this month. Now I go twice. I really think I'm going to be good at this, especially running process group. I thought it would be like the blind leading the blind & it wasn't like that at all. Can't believe I was thrown in the mix like that.

Things are changing very rapidly in my life right now. Still need to catch up w/my studies....Master procrastinator that I am.

I'm glad you are or everything is "normal" w/the doctors.

Here's to continued stability..... : - ) - I like that.

-lcb-

I was on Wellbutrin for awhile several years ago back when I was "just " depressed. I took it with Celexa or Prozac, sometimes by itself, and briefly with an antipsychotic but don't remember which one. How do you find it working for you? After my pdoc appt. earlier this week, we decided that it would be better to take the Lamictal in the morning instead of at night. It should work better that way since it has a half life of 14 hrs. meaning between the time I took it and the time I got up, it made it to it's 1st half life (chemistry flashbacks to undergrad). Taking it in the morning should be more beneficial b/c I'll actually be awake for it.

I decided today after my appt. with my therapist that I'm not going to go to therapy anymore unless I start DBT. STILL waiting to hear back from them. My pdoc said that it's like getting into Harvard, once you're in, you're in. I'm not quite sure what she meant by that, but I said that I never would have made it into Harvard. A bit discouraging b/c it sounds like the DBT ppl. look over your application to find out if you are "right" for the program and the grps. that currently meet. I understand that they don't necessarily have a program big enough for everybody, but what kind of message does that send someone if they don't make the cut??

I think keeping busy is definitely good for staying on track mood wise. I've always noticed the same thing for me. I always had a higher tolerance for stress that other ppl. noticed. During my 3rd yr. teaching, my colleagues actually commented that I was less stressed out by all the changes than anyone else and they wondered how I did it. I didn't know what to tell them. Hard to explain, but if things are going well I have a really high tolerance for stress. If things are going badly, I have a REALLY low tolerance. Staying busy helps me a lot.

It's encouraging to hear you talk about your internship. I've also thought about going into the field of psych, actually have an undergrad degree in it, but never really considered it as a possibility for me. Kind of like, how am I going to help others if I can't help myself? Also, I'm afraid I'd mess ppl. up more than they may already be.

I understand being "so far from being cured." I actually had a meltdown (not quite the right term b/c I feel it applies more to kids than adults) on Monday night. I was sitting on the bathroom floor in tears for over an hr. trying to make the smaller "stay alive" part of me win out over the "I don't want to live anymore" part. It was at that point that I tossed out any doubts I had about DBT and realized that I really do need it. I need to be able to pull myself out of that frame of mind and make it so that it's not so easy to end up like that in the future. I don't think I have a chance of getting better unless I am able to do that. My therapist was right today when she said that it would be better for me to have the structure of DBT b/c right now I'm not really helping myself at all. I think part of that is that I never had control over anything when I was a kid & never learned how. I really just don't know how to pull myself out of a depression and kick my @$$ into gear to change that. It seems like it should be so simple, but I continuously miss the boat.

I feel like I've written a book...I guess just a lot to get off my chest with ppl who will understand exactly what I'm talking about.

Once again, here's to continued stability. I think writing that every time I end a post will jump start my mind to more positive thoughts, or at least I hope.

Thanks jend,

I have a BA in psych from 15yrs ago; which is good bc it will take 2,000hrs off of my licensing internship (4,000hrs). Right now I'm doing the 1st half of my 300hrs over two semesters for a class. I will only get credit for 150 even if I do more which I probably will bc I'm loving it.

I really enjoy helping people. I was going to be school teacher & was in MA in Ed. program when I got into a bad DUI accident ~ I got two felonies & think they gave me a strike ~ in 1999. I got sentenced to a year in jail, so I blew that chance & probably my marriage w/the gal I was w/for 10yrs. My Mom, my Dad & two of my sisters are medical doctors: I come from a family that likes to help others.

I've had several different jobs - too bad I didn't seek professional help or get my dx 13-14yrs ago when I had my 1st really prolonged period of mania. What finally got me to the psych ward was being extremely depressed. Lost 40lbs in like 5wks, couldn't kill myself but had nothing to live for. I was so manic for so long, I could not understand why depressed people just didn't get moving & get their butts off the couch or out of bed. I have learned the hard way. I guess its like a normal drinker trying to understand why there is such a thing as an alcoholic...

I like the book you wrote (your post-lol). It was easy reading. Hope mine is!....Wellbutrin OR the combo I'm on is finally yielding some positive results. Also took a 1unit weightlifting class & its motivated me to do more.

Are you still a school teacher? Well if I'm wrong, how's your work going? There must be some kinda angle to getting into that DBT. I really hope you do. Since being dx'd w/BP type 1, I've had to change almost everything about me & my life. I know I still have a long way to go....at least now it seems I might just get there.

Here's to continued stability

Chris B,

Sounds like you had a really tough time 10 yrs. ago. I'm glad things are working out better for you now. I also enjoy helping people. However, I am no longer teaching; switched to nannying. Although, if I'm honest about it, it's really babysitting and a little tutoring at this point b/c the kids are older (7, 10, 12) and in school most of the day. I enjoy being able to work with only a few kids, instead of 120. Working part time is also good at this point; I don't think I could handle working full time.

When I first started teaching, I always heard the statistics that half of all teachers burnout and resign after 5 years. I never thought I'd be part of that group b/c I really enjoyed teaching. After 6 yrs., I was part of the "burnout group." A large part of my decision to resign was based on my belief that if you are not dedicated to and passionate about teaching, then you don't belong in the classroom. One of my biggest regrets is getting a Master's in Ed. Even though it helped to have it while teaching, I wish I had held off until I was positive that I'd continue teaching. Although at the time I thought I would, so guess it's a case of hindsight is 20/20. I was talking to my pdoc about my regrets about it earlier this week and she said that jumping around to different things is common in people w/mood disorders. I totally agree, at least for me.

Still waiting to hear from the DBT people, although I think it's only been a day or 2 since I last wrote about trying to get into the program.

Here's to continued stability.

Hi JD,

I'm sure you could use your MA in Ed to get another job in another related field. Maybe working w/learning disabled kids. I have a friend who has hers & burned out exactly the way you described it. She has been switching around trying out different types of teaching jobs & got to try working with autistic kids. She loves it, partly bc she only has a certain # of students & has them all year. I think its like 6 to 8 students.

I'm feeling overwhelmed right now w/all the stuff I'm doing. I'm trying not to take some advice the wrong way. Today my Site Supervisor at my internship, told me that I need to get more involved. Especially in group therapy, which is actually my strong point. I'm way behind in my online classes....but, in a way, I think the internship class is the most important.

He said "Its like swimming w/the sharks; you either sink or swim". It hasn't even been two weeks yet & all of the intern info from UVU said to observe & wait til being asked or directed to take part. I'm letting it bother me too much....bringing me down. I should be studying right now BUT don't want to. I just got the new (13th) book in the "Wheel of Time" series & want to lay in bed & read.

Oh well, thanks for listening to me b*^^h & m*^n.

-kby-

Hi lyman,

My therapist told me to check out an Occupational Handbook at the library. It lists about 300 jobs, the outlook for those jobs, salaries, and education needed. I put it on hold today. I think it will be interesting to find jobs that I had never considered or jobs that I thought I wasn't qualified for but that I might actually be. I'm actually really looking forward to going through the book.

What classes are you taking online? Are they all of your classes except the internship? I took one class online as part of my Masters. It was a technology class; we had to take it online b/c we didn't have another option. I found it difficult to relate to the other students in the class b/c they were from all over the country and I had never met them in person. It was hard posting opinions about class material b/c no one was ever online at the same time due to work schedules and time changes, so there were no real discussions. I'm wondering what your online class experience is like. I had been considering taking an online class about something I'm interested in, but after my one bad experience, I'm not so sure it's worth it.

I sympathize with you about being overwhelmed. Reading is a huge pastime of mine, especially when things aren't going well or life is too hectic; I'd rather throw myself into another "person's" life and get out of my own. I made the mistake of starting the Harry Potter series a few weeks before my senior year final exams. The Harry Potter world was MUCH more enticing than any of the material for my finals! Maybe try making a list of all the little things you need to do for schoolwork. After you've done 2 or 3 or more (depending on how big each step is), read a chapter in your book. It sounds a little too "Pavlov's dog" to me, but I do it for chocolate. One more mile on the elliptical and you can have a few Hershey kisses... Sounds kinda pathetic, but it works for me.

For your internship, have you considered asking your site supervisor to clarify what he expects? In response to what he said, maybe let him know what the internship info. says and ask what he thinks of it. Sometimes the stuff in print is outdated or too generic to follow a particular supervisor's expectations...

~ JD

Hi JD,

Thanks for the suggestions. I definitely got more involved on Mon. I'm up late now trying to get some assignments done. This week is family week at the treatment facility I'm interning at. The family dynamics are intense, but I have to take Wed off to catch up on work due & go to my OWN therapy appointment. Hopefully it doesn't make me look bad ~ I gotta do it.

I'll take your advice w/the Pavlov's dogs & create a temporary rewards system to help keep me motivated....once I can engage I do well. I take Strattera for my ADHD, I'm not sure how well it works though. They won't give me any "uppers".

ALL my classes are online - even the internship (5 credit hours) - except for my weightlifting class from 10-11am on Tu & Th (1 credit). Often it seems like the instructors give more assignments bc there is no class period. This semester each of my classes requires us to post a reply to a discussion topic and respond to two classmate's posts each week. Its usually very interesting....til you get way behind like I am; it begins to take the fun out of it.

I totally agree w/you about being qualified for jobs you haven't even thought of ~ I bet you are. I thought I would be limited to teaching only w/a MA in Ed., but have found this not to be true. Wish I would have been able to finish getting mine. The LSAC is the fastest way to become a substance abuse counselor ( & get a license), which is why I'm doing it.

Well let me know about some of the jobs you are looking at. I hope you find some that pique your interest. Good Luck

lyman,

The occupation handbook came in today. I'm looking forward to trying to find my new career or at least get some ideas. :-)

Your online class sounds a lot like mine. What classes are you taking? I think mine would have been better if I wasn't required to take that particular class. I actually spoke to my advisor about it at the end of the semester. He took my opinion seriously enough to make the class an elective instead of a requirement. I can't believe no one said anything to him prior to the semester that I took the class!

Speaking of online classes, my therapist is going to reduce her hours to one day a week starting in March. She's going to be teaching classes online on a full time basis. I made appts. with her through April, but hope to be able to start DBT before then. It's going to be hard not to see her though b/c I've told her everything about growing up and she's the 1st person to know everything.

It's been a stressful week on this end. On Wednesday, I was talking to the mother of the kids I babysit for. Her car key had broken off in the passenger side door lock. She was saying that she was glad it was the passenger side door and not the driver's side b/c she'd have had to climb over the passenger seat. Fast forward to the next morning, my therapist knew that I had been looking for a new car and asked if I had bought it yet. I told her that I planned to wait until the snow banks melted, the snow/ice was over, and the potholes had been filled in. Fast forward 15 mins. I get home and have to back into my driveway to have a chance of getting out w/out getting hit. I literally have to be about a foot out of the driveway to see. Anyway, I usually back in from the left side of the driveway, but backed in from the right b/c of the route I took to get home. So I'm backing in not realizing how bad the angle was. I had to accelerate to get over the frozen slush puddles at the end of the driveway. After getting over them, I was accelerating too much and hit the snow bank. When I got out to look at my car, crashing into the snow bank would be more accurate. Broke the glass on the side mirror (not a big deal except it points down to the road and I can't use it) and crushed the door enough that I couldn't close it right away after I got out. After about 5 tries I got it to close, but don't want to open it again b/c I'm not sure it will close. It's like the conversations I had with the mother and my therapist were warnings of what's to come...having to climb over the passenger seat and crashing into a snow bank. I can't believe how much damage resulted from such a low speed. Went to the collision place, the estimate was $2400!! My car is only worth $3000 as a trade-in. The estimate was written for a perfect fix (molding, paint, etc.). I'm going to go back on Monday and find out what the estimate is for simply being able to open the door and see out of the side mirror. I can drive like that for a few mths before I trade it in. I don't care about the "pickier" things. I'm super paranoid now about getting a new car, afraid I'll crash that one, too. I'm also super paranoid about backing into the driveway, overly concerned about hitting the snow bank again or hitting the one on the other side of the driveway. I've also considered just leaving the car the way it is for the next few mths. Crawling over the passenger seat would be a pain in the @$$ but is better than paying lots of money to fix it. Don't want to go through insurance and increase my rates. So, we'll see what estimate I get next week. I'm hoping there is a chance of popping out the dent without having to replace the door which by itself is almost $800. I'd rather crawl over the seat than pay that much!

Anyway, enough venting...this post has gotten really long. Mine turn to thank you for reading my b!tch!ing.

JD

Hi Jen,

I'm taking the internship course which is 5creds. I only have to do 10hrs a week, but figured I wouldn't even remember the residents names, so I'm doing 20 to 24hrs a week. I'm doing it at a treatment facility called "Cirque Lodge", you should check out the website - its pretty cool. I'm at what is called the (Cirque) Studio, bc it used to be where the Osmond's TV show was recorded & aired live as well. Also the "Donnie & Marie" TV show. Sometimes famous people are going through treatment there ~ alcoholism/addiction doesn't care who you are. I can neither confirm nor deny their presence bc I'm not supposed to talk about 'em.

Then I'm taking "Dynamics of Addiction" for 3credits, "Intro to Group Psychotherapy" for another 3creds & a weightlifting class on campus twice a week for 1cred. I was hoping that taking the wtlifting class would get me to go to the library to get started on my term papers & study more in general, but it hasn't happened yet. I'm going to turn in the same paper to get rid of my Incomplete from last semester, my adviser said it was okay bc they are different classes. One thing good HAS happened: I've become motivated to work out! Cirque has put me on their Gold's Gym account even though I'm only an intern. So far, I love the people that work there - including the housecleaning & kitchen staff.

Anyway, I'm sooo far behind w/my schoolwork. I need to be put on the real ADHD meds. I got IQ testing done as part of my psych eval, & I tested in the 30th percentile in reading & writing for how long it takes me. I scored in the 90th percentile for memory; I was told it was my coping mechanism. My work is very good, it just takes me at least twice as long to do as it would an average person.

This is my 1st full winter in Orem, UT. & I haven't had a driver's license in about 12yrs. Its snowing quite a bit right now & I'll have to ride my bike to weightlifting class in the morning ~ its gonna suck big time. I've done it before (reminds me of that Police song "King of Pain", 'stood here before inside the pouring rain')....Can't wait to get any car that works reliably. I'm sorry about your car. Right before you were about to try & get a good trade-in value on it to - man that bites!

My sleep pattern is so screwed up. I'm supposed to go to bed at 12am & get up at 8am according to the agreement I made w/my therapist. Its past 12:30 already.

I will listen to you vent anytime, JD. Have a good day & watch out for those snowbanks! Seriously though, I hope you don't have to pay a bunch of $oney to not have to crawl over the passenger seat.

lyman,

I checked out the website you talked about. It looks like a really nice, relaxing place to get help for addiction. I'm sure the environment and scenery helps people work on their issues. Very nice that they added you to the gym account. Do you have a gym buddy? I joined a gym w/ a coworker at my 1st job. It's very motivating b/c it's like you made a deal with the other person to go at a certain time for a specific amount of time. We always went to dinner afterwards, not quite so healthy and probably undid some of our workout, but it was a good bonding experience, not to sound...I'm not sure what the right word would be.

Be careful biking out there. It's been a bit warmer the past few days here, enough to rain instead of snow, but tomorrow's only supposed to be in the 20s. When I got home, I shoveled off the rest of the snow/ice on the driveway and made a bit of a dent on the ice @ the end of the driveway, but didn't get too far on that. Better than nothing. Not to sound like a wimp, but I'm already a little sore. Probably b/c I mostly had to shovel the ice onto a pile that was up to my shoulders.

Got a phone call from someone at the DBT program. I might be going for an interview tomorrow. After going back and forth a bit about the time, I think she said she had an open appt. tomorrow @ 11 am. Waiting to hear back from her, I'm assuming tonight if I'm going tomorrow.

Good news from my mechanic. I took my car there yesterday to find out if the frame was actually bent. They looked at it, even put it up on the lift, which the collision guy didn't even do. They said the rear passenger door is fine, so I tried to open it and it worked fine. TG b/c if it didn't I probably wouldn't be able to close it again. I think the driver's door is now stuck shut, which is better than stuck open. The mechanic tried to open it before I could ask him not to and it didn't open at all. Long story short, they said I needed a new side mirror (about $50). They told me to wet the door and use a toilet plunger to get rid of the dent. I'm totally serious about that! I'm going to take it to another collision place that my husband's coworker recommended before I take a toilet plunger to the door. I'd rather have someone who knows what they are doing give it a try. If they think I need a new door, I'm going to try the toilet plunger thing and see how it goes. Much less worried about it now.

Another good thing this week to balance out the anxiety, I went to a concert last night. I'm not sure what kind of music you are into, but I recommend seeing Hinder if they come around to your area. I already had their 1st CD, but bought the other 2 before the concert so I would know the songs and be able to sing along. Shinedown is another band that puts on a great show, but I think their Carnival of Madness tour is over.

Good luck with your classes. I think falling behind is part of the game. I learned, at least with undergrad, that some things can be skipped, not that I recommend that and I'm not sure that would even work in grad school b/c it wouldn't have for me. As an undergrad though, they assigned so much reading and I tried to do it all before realizing that it was impossible. Maybe your classes are set up so that you could skip parts of assigned work in order to not get more stressed out by trying to do everything. Have you tried the reward thing we talked about before?

JD

Hi Jen,

That's so excellent you were able to save some bucks on your car. Is it working out well? I mean w/the door & mirror.

Wow, it must be nice to be able to have fun...my therapist said I need to plan to have fun, bc I don't make time for it. What are doing for fun this weekend?

I've been so busy ~ I never should have let Voc Rehab make me take 12hrs this semester. All they care about is whether or not I maintain a "C" avg. My therapist could & would have written a letter to them so that I wouldn't have had to take that many hours....What the h*ll was I thinking? Didn't know that my internship was going to take so much time....I DO love it though.

Studying is ALL I'm going to be doing for the next 2wks! At least by Mon I'll have my Gold's Gym membership & my friend goes there a lot so I'll be able to get a ride. Which reminds me....I had a quiz in my 1unit gym class on Th & i didn't get the H-out for it so I got 20 outta 25 a "B" I guess. I have done so much weightlifting in my life - Man, things just weren't going my way at all this week.

Have you had a chance to look at that job book yet? That sounded so intriguing; I was wondering what happened w/that....

Oh well, its like after 4 in the morning ~ so much for the going to bed by midnight deal I made w/my therapist. I've been relatively baseline the end of this week anyway. How about you?

I did the reward thing after I finished a big assignment tonight, 1 minute before UEN went down at 2am. Hadn't had any Ben & Jerry's for over 2wks, no small miracle, so I had a 3rd of a pint of Half Baked!

Here's to continued stability - lcb

So new update on the car situation. I went back to the first collision place (which I trust b/c they fixed my car after an accident in March) to let them know what the other places said. They insisted that when the other place tried to fix the car, they would have found that I need a new door. I told them I wanted the bare minimum done and they recommended that it would be better to leave it as is when I trade it in instead of fixing it at the bare minimum and having mismatched parts. Since they are giving me that advice as opposed to pushing for the $2400 fix, I'm pretty confident that they are right. I'm paranoid as to what is going to happen if the 2nd place tries to fix it, so after all that, I'm just going to leave it alone.

For most of the month so far, I've generally been in the mildly depressed range, probably mostly due to stress, anxiety, cold weather, and feeling hopeless and overwhelmed. I believe that my initial interview w/the woman from the DBT program is on Wed. I called her last week and left a message for confirmation b/c the appt. was tentative and also asked her if she's part of my insurance network. Insurance covers the program if the therapist is part of the network, but I couldn't find her name (or the facility name) on my insurance's website. Keeping my fingers crossed that it works out. My fall back plan was to choose not to buy the new car that I wanted, but didn't really need and use the money for the program instead. After hitting the snowbank, I no longer have a choice about buying a new car. I can drive around in my current car for a few months, but don't want to drive around much longer than that. New paranoia...if another car hits my door. Since the door and the bar in the middle of the door are already bent, I'm not sure how much they would protect me in a crash. I don't really drive on the highway, so I'm glad of that, but I also know that it doesn't take much to crush the frame. It didn't take much w/the snowbank to cause a lot of damage and I was going at most 5 mph. My 1st car was totaled after a car hit the rear passenger side door bending the frame between the 2 doors, bending the axle of my rear tires, and basically obliterating the door, although somehow it did not break the window.

My therapist sounds like yours, except mine is always telling me to find ways to relax and improve my mood on my own instead of being at the mercy of my mood swings. She makes it sound so easy, but I've never done it before and don't really know how so it doesn't sound so easy even though it should be. DBT is supposed to help (and hopefully fix) that.

This weekend was busier than usual. We had friends over for dinner and dominoes on Friday. They stayed over and we all (including some other friends who met us there) went to Foxwoods to celebrate one of our friend's 30th birthday. We did a bit of gambling (I lost everything, but always limit myself to $100; I overheard someone else talking about how he lost $600!), bowled, and went to dinner. I got an ice cream sundae at Ben & Jerry's before we left. You're not the only one who uses it as a reward. :-) We met for breakfast this morning and then drove home. I'm finally awake now, but had a really hard time waking up this morning. I was so unmotivated that it was a huge effort to do laundry and get up off the couch. This has been happening A LOT recently, but I was so ridiculously exhausted today that I slept on the couch on and off between 3 and 4:45 pm. I always get mad at my husband for napping on the couch and today I was the napper. I think it was probably a result of staying up late, doing too much yesterday, and taking my meds too late. I usually have 9-11 hrs. between the time I take them and the time I need to be ready for the day. Last night, I had about 7 hrs.

I'm glad this week should be an "easy" one. My work schedule is normal for Mon - Thurs. I might have Fri. off b/c I had planned to take it off to get my wisdom teeth out and then decided against it. The girls' dad might take the day off anyway. I'm hoping that he does. I have nothing going in the morning except maybe on Wed. w/the DBT people. That should (hopefully) give me some motivation to get up and work out since I don't have to be anywhere until 2 pm.

I think it's common with most people to take on more at college than they can sometimes handle. I know I ended up signing up for more classes than I probably should have taken in order to graduate on time or speed up the time to graduation. I doesn't seem that bad until you actually start the semester. By the way, there's nothing wrong w/getting a "B!"

I did look at the job book. I bookmarked a lot more pages (jobs) than I thought I would. Some of them look really fun & interesting, but require a Master's which I don't want to take on right now or a Doctorate which I don't want to take on at all. Now I need to go through and reevaluate what I bookmarked. Apparently there's an Enhanced Occupational Outlook Handbook that's about 700 pages. My therapist says it's a good idea to check it out b/c it goes into much more detail, but it's only available at some libraries as reference material that you can't borrow and none of the libraries are that close to my house. Too may pages to go through on an afternoon or more at the library, at least more than I'm willing to go through right now.

I hope studying goes well!

~JD

Stability is kind of odd. Even with all this stress lately, things are still mostly stable, even if they are a little off-kilter. Well, except for sleep

Thanks jd,

...the studying is not going nearly as quickly as I need it to...stayed up late bc I haven't managed to catch up in ANY of my classes...then I just got a bad cold & didn't go to my internship site today; didn't call in either...not good on my part. I'm going to have to study around 6hours a day for the foreseeable future.

WOW! You & your hubby sure know how to party, that's fer sure. I think I need to relearn how to have fun...now that I'm not so crazy. Mostly I go to the movies w/my friend Mike on Sundays...where I live is 90% Mormon, probably more, so the theaters are practically empty.

Anyway, back to the books. Hey, be careful driving.

Here's to continued stability!

I hope you are feeling better. It's so hard to get things done when you are not feeling well. :-( Maybe you've been able to catch up on some of your work since last time you posted.

I met with the woman who is going to be my new therapist as part of the DBT program. She's ok, but that's probably just b/c I'm comparing her to my current therapist (I guess technically my old therapist) and I'm scared to start over with someone new. I'm on board w/the group, which she said is more like a class to learn skills that I don't have, but I'm not happy about starting therapy all over. It took me so long to get comfortable enough w/my last therapist to be able to tell her and talk about things I've never told anyone. I know that DBT is what I need, but it always seemed like something I'd be doing in the future. Now, it's so sudden that I'm having a really hard time accepting that I won't be able to see my old therapist anymore. I have an appointment with both on Monday and hope I can see my old therapist one more time after that just to help with the transition. I'm sure everything will end up being fine, but just the thought of talking about everything that I spent the last 10 mths. discussing with my old therapist just seems overwhelming.

Hi JD,

I hope you can keep an open mind bc maybe this DBT stuff will work....Please let me know how it goes.

Sat. was my b-day (44) & Had to spend it laying in bed w/my arm up in the air bc of a gout attack in my hand & wrist....really sucked....& I'm not supposed to be typing til Fri SO I can only read when I have all these written assignments due from way back.

Just wanted to check in w/you & see how its going....

Here's to cont'd stability

Don't know if this will help anyone, but I was just thinking that if you're not confident driving in the snow, ice etc, perhaps while it's on the ground would be a great time to take one or two driving class refreshers from a driving school. Just might give you a little extra confidence.

hawkfyre - Thank you for the advice. I think I worry more about other people and their driving. That said, I do worry a little about driving in snow/ice, but I think it's just one of those things that I have to get over. I'll relax more as I spend more time driving in it and everything turns out fine. My issue with backing into my driveway is just related to hitting the snowbank there. That will go away w/time just like I was worried about passing through a particular intersection where I had an accident. It's just a matter of getting over it and then I should be fine; the anxiety should go away over time, it just took awhile for me to realize that.

lyman - Happy Birthday! Sorry to hear about your arm. If your professors know, they will probably give you a bit of an extension on the written work.

Met with "everyone" today: my new therapist, my old therapist, and my pdoc. I was really anxious again w/my new therapist, even after I had talked myself down and told myself it would go ok. When I got there, I froze up. It was only the 2nd session, so it was basically a continuation of the questions, history, paperwork, etc. Not so bad. I did have to fight off tears a few times, though. I'm going to try not to worry about the next session and let things fall into place. I'll be starting the group in a few weeks once all the logistics are worked out.

I met w/my old therapist and she reminded me that when I 1st started seeing her I wasn't psyched about being there, didn't want to talk, and didn't trust her. She told me that I'd work through that w/my new therapist just like I did w/her. She keeps telling me that everything will be ok. I know she's right, but I'm not there yet.

Talked to my pdoc about still being mostly depressed and about the almost constant anxiety. I told her I know it's just situational, but asked for a prescription for something I can take until things settle down. She gave me a prescription for lorazepam (Ativan) to take as needed. I took half of one a little while ago just to see what the effects would be, even though my anxiety has gone down enough after all my appts. that I really don't need it right now. I don't really have another good time this week to test it out. She was really surprised that I asked for it b/c I'm generally anti-meds and didn't want to start the others I'm taking. I actually didn't start the others until things got really bad and I felt that I didn't have a choice. I'm generally in favor of taking as few meds as I can.

Here's to a return to stability! (I need to change it for now. Seeing as I'm not really stable right now, hopefully it will get me in the right mindset to get out of the hole.)

Now that I've written yet another book, what else is going on with you? Everything going ok, aside from what you wrote last time?

~JD

JD,

I was only teasing you about driving in the snow. I know it was only an accident & I know you will drive just fine.

Also, I have only 1 suggestion about your new therapy/therapist....try to trust in the process & let go of certain reservations (if you have any) bc sometimes they aren't based in reality, & can get in the way of insight & personal growth.

That being said; I believe you WILL get the most you possibly can out of it....keep posting about it - that way you can the support you need from MT.

I DO have a Dr's note...hopefully it will help as my wrist is still screwed up - I can't go to my internship bc I have to lay down & keep my arm elevated above my heart for most of the day. I'm so irritated by the immobilization ~ I can't stand not moving, I have ADHD. Man its hard!

My p-doc put in a prescription for Vyvanse. Hopefully it will go through...then I have to clear it w/the medical director at Cirque. I'm already on the way to losing weight for the upcoming summer. I always gain & lose according to the seasons. It has been an adjustment getting used to my meds I've been taking for just over a year now.

My therapist has been giving me good advice that I haven't listened to enough (hate admitting that!). I have spent almost ALL my time trying to catch up in one class & slipping further behind in my others. Where I've like not finished a whole assignment yet & there was a midterm & I haven't taken the 1st Quiz yet! The next 5wks is going to be hell...she also said my internship won't be any good w/out actually getting my LSAC.

Well back to laying down w/my arm up

Here's to cont'd stability

lyman,

Checking in...how's everything going? Do you know how long your wrist is going to give you problems? Sometimes it helps to know that the end is in sight. What does LSAC mean? I don't think I've ever seen that abbreviation.

I know you were only teasing about the driving. My response was for hawkfyre. The past few days I've seen the biggest potholes of the season. Some of them are almost literally craters! I'm talking 5 or 6 inches deep, no exaggeration!

I do have a lot of reservations about my new therapist. I have always had a hard time opening up to new therapists, but this time feels different. It's like I'm only there to go through the skills stuff. I have no interest in rehashing all the stuff that I've been talking to my old therapist about. I know it's probably necessary, but I just don't have it in me. It's making me want to quit before I even start. I hate myself for not starting DBT when my old therapist talked about it like the 2nd or 3rd time I saw her. I don't know how to talk about my "resistance" with my new therapist b/c I don't want to offend her by talking about how hard it is to switch therapists. Whenever I think about all this, I feel like I can't get through it without taking Ativan, which is a bit ironic considering the 2 times I took it were only to see if there were any major side effects like falling asleep behind the wheel. I'm doing a good job of resisting, but know I'll be taking it before my appointment with my new therapist tomorrow. I don't want to end up taking it just to get through the day b/c I don't need to end up with another issue.

JD

Hi JD,

My wrist & hand have returned to normal size but I may have permanently lost some flexibility. I have to take allopurinol for gout everyday now for the rest of my life - I'm taking so many meds now I feel like I'm geriatric! Man I'm so sick of it...

LSAC is: licensed substance abuse counselor & I'm so far behind in my studies that I'm taking time off of my internship to catch up. Don't know if its a good idea though...good news is the Vyvanse is working so far BUT I still need to put in way more hours of studying than I have been. I will need to be licensed by the state of Utah so I think I have to pass some tests upon finishing probably w/an AS degree.

I see my therapist tomorrow & don't want to tell her how far behind I still am...she is thinking about having me go to another therapist instead of her. A guy that specializes in ADD & ADHD...she's better w/bipolar & schizophrenia. I don't want to switch; though it might be the right thing to do as I struggle w/it so much.

Yeah, I love benzo's to much to take them - they're extremely addictive; to me anyway. I like ALL downers, including alcohol, so I try to stay away.

I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow

I'm glad to hear that your wrist and hand are better. :-) I understand not wanting to take more meds. Just think of it as a way to not have to stay in bed elevating your arm. It seems like a worthwhile trade-off, right?

I know how hard it is to contemplate switching therapists. How long have you been seeing your current therapist? You've met with her since your last post. Did you decide to see someone else, or are you going to stick with the current one for now?

I'm still stuck in limbo between my old therapist and my new one. I should probably only see my old therapist one more time, but I have so much "concluding and moving on" stuff that I think I'm going to go two more times and limit it to that. It feels like I have no one to talk to and no one to trust. I can't let my old therapist know the negativity I've been dealing with b/c we don't have time to work it out. At the same time, I am not comfortable enough with my new therapist to talk to her about it. Last time I saw my pdoc, I assumed that it would be ok with her to keep seeing her even though I'll be seeing a therapist in another practice. I really need to talk to her about that b/c I need to have someone that I know and trust from the "old" place, but I'm not sure if she will do that and I don't want to back her into a corner and make her feel like she has to.

I'm understanding your desire to stay away from benzos. I've only taken them 3 times, the 1st two were just to see how I would react to the 1/2 and full dose tablet. I took it once last week when I needed it. I was going to see my new therapist and didn't think I could handle it without a little help from Ativan. It did help, but once it started to wear off my anxiety went through the roof. I had taken the whole pill so I couldn't take another. Next time, I'm only going to take half so if I need more later I can take the other half. I need to be really careful about taking it too often b/c I fear it will be easy for me to need it to deal with life.

Here's to stability...

~JD

Hi jen,

How goes it? I guess I can stay w/my current shrink - she's the 1 who's suggesting I go to this other guy b/c he specializes in ADHD & ADD. Which I have a big problem with. I'm also an expert procrastinator...BAD combo! Anyway, I'm supposed to be working on a midterm right now & I'm still way behind in my studies BUT the med they've given me IS really helping a lot (Vyvanse).

Lately I've been VERY stable BUT having crazy sleep patterns...I'm wanting to NOT take my meds SO badly these days ~ I make myself do it. I feel like I was in better shape physically before taking ALL these meds - mentally & emotionally I'm much better off now though. I guess I want to have it ALL: Sleep right, get ahead in my studies, lose a little of the med weight gain & have no financial woes. I'm not EVEN thinking of relationships at this time - I wouldn't wish me on anyone at this moment. That will change soon enough WHEN I get comfortable living in my OWN skin.

What's happening w/the therapist issue? Do you HAVE to switch even if you don't want to? R U still having anxiety? AND how is it driving the car - do you have to climb over the seat?

I just wanted to say HELLO...catch up w/me when you get a chance.

Hope things are going well on your end. Today is actually going well; I'm feeling much better today than I have in awhile. :-) I'm cautiously optimistic, but know the next several weeks are going to be rocky with the whole therapist/DBT stuff.

I'm glad to hear you are taking your meds. A lot of us think it's a good idea to stop taking our meds. I did about 6 years ago and didn't start taking them again until last April. Wow, scary to think I've been taking them almost a year; doesn't seem that long. Anyway, 6 years ago it probably wasn't a big deal b/c I was misdiagnosed, but still. I know it would be a bad idea to stop taking them now especially b/c I've been unstable recently. That said, it's hard to tell what is life vs. what is a med issue. I think I assume the meds are going to help with life issues more than they actually can.

I hear you about relationships. My friendships seem more like acquaintances a lot of the time since I don't confide in anyone and avoid people when I'm depressed. I was horrified when I was on suicide watch near Thanksgiving and my husband had to tell a few of our friends what was going on. I feel bad about dragging my husband into my hell. Things weren't like this when we first met 6 years ago. I was actually "normal" back then. My mood started getting rocky while planning our wedding. I was in denial for a year and a half before I started seeing a therapist again. You know how things are...they subtly go downhill while you tell yourself everything is fine and then one day you wake up suicidal wondering how it got that bad. I don't regret marrying him, but sometimes I think it would have been better for him to have never met me. I feel like a burden that he didn't sign up for.

Have you been going to your weightlifting class and to the gym with your friend? That could help with the weight gain, right? What do you like to do at the gym the most? I've been getting back into working out the past month or so. I actually have a sticky note on my bathroom mirror to remind me. It was very useful when I first started up again b/c it wasn't a part of my routine anymore and I'd actually forget to do it.

Unfortunately, I do have to change therapists. I don't have a choice. I hate myself for not starting DBT when my therapist told me about it like the 2nd or 3rd session. Now I'm left with the fallout and it's not pretty. I'll be seeing my old therapist every week until the end of March. When I talked about being stuck in limbo with no one to talk to and no one to trust, she told me that she was still there for me. True, but it's still not the same. Still having anxiety about it. Not so much today, which is really good. Yesterday I took half an Ativan in the morning and then half in the evening when I felt the 1st dose wearing off. Taken with Seroquel, it actually helped me fall asleep and stopped the obsessive thoughts.

How do you feel about staying with your current therapist? Does it feel a little weird to stay even though she recommended that you see someone else?

Anyway, I've gone on too long. I swear I write a book every time I'm on here. Thank you for always listening. It's good to have a place to talk with someone who understands. :-)

Hope you are able to catch up a bit with your studies. One foot in front of the other, or so they say (lame?).

P.S. - Yep, still crawling across the front seat. I'm actually getting used to it, even though I think it's a pain in the @$$ every time. I usually end up hitting my head on the rear view mirror and having to adjust it, or sitting on the thing next to the seat that the seatbelt clicks into. In that case, it's literally a pain in the @$$. :-)

Hi JD,

I just stayed up throughout the night finishing my midterm that was actually due at 11:59pm of yesterday. I'm glad that this particular professor must not have known how to make the online test automatically quit at the appointed time. I think I'm definitely slightly on the manic side if ya know what I mean. I must be b/c I sent my Prof an e-mail in which I blabbed about learning how to cope OR just finally dealing with having learning disabilities ~ mainly adult ADHD & how long it takes me to read & write...that I lived on a medical pot farm near Placerville & worked construction b/c my disability didn't interfere w/those occupations...although I wasted about 14yrs I guess - I'm definitely grateful to be where I'm at now I do miss the ocean though.

I can't ever seem to gauge how long even the simplest of writing assignments will take. I have to go to weightlifting now & take a quiz & try act like I'm lifting OR just participating even on zero sleep.

Your post totally cracked me up when I read it yesterday & I managed to hang in there & put one foot in front of the other despite how lame it sounds. Even though my midterm was submitted 8hrs late, at least its one more thing done. I'm going to have to be OK w/taking baby steps for a while.

You know what's funny? My 1st completely crazy manic episode started during the planning of my wedding. It was beautiful, though it signified the beginning of the end of a ten year relationship. If I had been dx'd I'm sure we'd still be together. We had our reception at the Claremont Hotel & we went to Zihuatenejo (sp?) in Mexico for our honeymoon which is the place where Tim Robbins & Morgan Freeman meet at the end of "The Shawshank Redemption" - an excellent movie. I loved getting married ~ I might just do it again BUT it did cost like $11,000!

I'm sure your hubby doesn't regret marrying you you definitely need to stop that kind of negative thinking...oh s*%t I gotta go! I've got 1/2hr til class...have a great day The weather is awesome here like its going to be the best day of the year so far.

-cb-

How's everything going? I've heard a lot of people say they miss the ocean when they move away from it. I've lived in New England forever, but never really go to the beaches around here b/c they are too rocky and the water's too cold. Plus, you'd be surprised how many are private; it's ridiculous! I work about a block from the ocean and noticed that my car is coated with saltiness. It's disgusting! I'd love to wash it, but I'm not sure how my door would hold up. Don't want to discover that it is no longer "waterproof," although it's supposed to rain a lot tomorrow and I'll be parked outside so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. :-) (Smiley face right now, hope it doesn't end up being a frowning face tomorrow.) I'm glad the weather is good where you are. We probably have about another month before the weather is really where I'd like it to be (at least 65 and sunny), but the snow and really freezing temps. seemed to have passed us by. Major potholes still though.

I'm glad my last post helped you hang in there. Midterm = another check mark on the to-do list, so that's good. :-)

I agree that weddings cost a ridiculous amount of money. Every time you call someplace (flowers, limo, reception), they jack up the price about 50% when they find out it's a wedding. I lost track of how much ours cost, mostly b/c we paid for some of it, my parents paid for some, and my husband's parents paid for some. Glad we were lucky enough to have help.

Sent my old therapist an e-mail today b/c I just couldn't handle things. Didn't hear back which is annoying. Maybe she's just waiting until our appt. on Monday to talk about stuff. Guess it makes more sense to talk about it in person although some acknowledgment would be nice.

Very glad that tomorrow is Friday! I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. This week seems never ending.

HI jd,

I hope you had a good weekend. I slept for most of mine. Did you know that a car's life is shortened by its proximity to the ocean? Also, in snow country where the roads are salted for ice...I guess the saltiness (salinity) more rapidly erodes paint as well as the corrosion (rusting) of metal. The fog coming off the ocean in SF does a good job of it too.

I've only got 1more week to to do my best to catch up b/c my internship wants me to get back, which makes sense since they don't have to pay me! Anyway, I'm refiling for ssdi AGAIN. As far as I'm concerned I'm handicapped til trained to do something else. They denied me on the basis that I could still make sandwiches at a deli! Something that I did almost 20yrs ago! I worked at a deli in San Rafael then transferred to one in Montclair (part of Oakland).

Don't think I'm capable of fake smiling or maintaining a false smile like I used to. Not to mention holding my tongue with snobby rich customers talking on the phone while holding their little tiny dogs at the same time they are telling me what they want on their sandwiches! Don't know how I ever did it in the 1st place...

When I was at the deli across Bay in San Rafael (Marin County), I got to make some sandwiches for Carlos Santana ~ that was the highlight of working for that company. Other than that they sucked for firing my only blood sister that wasn't a doctor (now she's a hospitalist) just b/c she was having a baby - her 1st.

Let me know how your appointment (today?) goes...keep in touch & have a great day/week.

Here's to stability!

I can totally see how the life of a car is shortened by salt (ocean or winter road). Didn't think of it before now, but the ocean salt is probably why the rust spot on the body of my car near the back tire is getting worse. Darn salt! I'm seriously thinking of just parking the car somewhere w/the keys in it and the doors unlocked. Someone would actually get a bargain...they'd need to fix the door, but other than that it's a great car. That's the problem w/older cars (2001)...they get totaled way too easily since they aren't worth a whole lot. As a bonus, I'd get more money from my insurance company for the car b/c it would be considered stolen and they don't know that the door is messed up. As it is now, I'm not planning on telling them at all, just trade it in when I get my new one. Decided at the end of next month I'll get the new one. No more snow and fixed potholes.

I agree with your snobby rich customer comment. I was behind a lady in Walmart the other day. During the entire time she was in line and when she was buying her stuff, she didn't put the caller on hold for a minute or even acknowledge the cashier. I couldn't believe how rude that was! I saw a woman carrying a tiny little dog into the supermarket once. Seriously, I don't want a dog in the place where I am buying my food! I think one of the workers kicked her out when a few of us gave him the heads-up.

It's nice to know that your internship wants you back. I'm sure it's not just b/c they aren't paying you. They see what a difference you've made. :-)

Yesterday's appt. w/my old therapist went well. I was completely wired though and couldn't sit still. She actually told me to calm down and focus and asked me if I was on drugs. Kinda couldn't really stop laughing at stuff that wasn't even funny (like putting down the pencil I was holding b/c I couldn't stop tapping it). Just one of those days when I have way too much energy for a limited amount of time before I tire myself out. Yesterday (and one other time before) just happened to be one of those days/times when I was in session. She thought I was just anxious and I disagreed. Usually when we disagree, I realize later that she's right. Didn't happen this time though. When I'm anxious, it's always an almost paralyzing repetitive negative thoughts that don't go away kind of thing. It turns out that she didn't get my e-mail. I send her another e-mail later in the day and she did get that one. It was basically the opposite of the first b/c I realized that I have to fix things on my own and that I plan to stick w/DBT, etc...

I have an appt. w/my new therapist tomorrow and for the 1st time I'm not dreading it. I'm going to ask her how long she thinks I should keep overlapping my appts. Regardless of what she says, I think I'm only going to see my old therapist once more. As long as I stay in this positive place, I really think I can do it and it will be ok. I think it will be worse if I just keep seeing her. I need to leave now at a time when I won't flip out about it. Just took awhile to get to this point. I'm a little worried when I meet w/my pdoc on Thurs, though. She's in the same practice as my old therapist. The DBT ppl. say it's ok if I keep seeing her. I'm not sure how she feels about it. I worry that if she says that I should see someone at the DBT place that I'll end up back in the place I was recently about not being able to leave and start over w/someone new. I'm not going to worry about it right now though. I tend to worry about things that turn out ok in the end.

Let me know how your catching up is going. I know you'll be able to make it. :-) I hope you have a good day/week too.

Here's to continued stability (I hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying that truthfully right now).

JD

Hi JD,

Yeah, still trying to catch up w/my studies....I spent yesterday laying in bed til like 6-7pm! And most of today til 3:30-4pm...I don't feel like I'm depressed BUT this could be a pattern of mine. How can I feel depressed if I'm asleep? Don't know why I'm in this funk of being so tired & having zero motivation...NO energy, don't feel like doing anything. Not a good time for it to be happening ~ could be self defeating behavior; whatever it is, I need to get out of it w/a quickness.

I talked w/my Site Supervisor & its OK w/him that I come back to my internship at the beginning of the following week...hopefully that's enough time.
I too worry a lot over things that usually turn out OK. Its a BAD habit b/c it often involves stuff I can't do anything about OR have no control over...I guess I have expectations that are either good or bad & I'm just wasting energy.

How did your appt w/new therapist go? get back to me when you get a chance ~ I'll be glued to the computer trying to crawl back out of this hole I'm in.

I hope things are still going well w/you - here's to cont'd stability!

Hi lyman. How is your week going so far? I feel bad for not responding sooner since you said you'd be glued to your computer. It bothers me when people don't respond right away and I'm sorry I didn't.

I totally understand the part about not feeling depressed if you're asleep. Sleeping more is one sign that I'm not doing so well. I've lacked motivation for the past few weeks. Most of the time it's not so much that I don't have energy; I just don't have the energy to do the things I don't feel like doing. Does that make sense?

My last appt. w/my old therapist was Monday. It was hard, but it went better than I thought it would. I didn't dissolve into tears, but my voice was shakier than I've ever heard it. I said everything I wanted to say, thanking her for sticking w/me even though I've been spinning my wheels, stuff like that, but it was really hard.

I had an appt. w/my new therapist (well, I guess she's my only therapist now) yesterday and it went ok. I fill out a diary card every week and bring it to our sessions. Last week was a tough week b/c of the anxiety about ending w/my old therapist. One of the parts is about suicidal thoughts/self-injury and I thought about it more than usual. She keeps asking me about plans, they all ask about plans. It's kinda weird b/c if someone's been suicidal in the past, then they've already thought about how they'd do it. Or maybe that's just me. Moving on...

Today was my 1st day of group/class. It was comforting to hear that other people have the same reactions and the same experiences related to BP. It's kinda like being on here, but in person. The group is 1 1/2 hrs. long which I think is a bit too long. I lose focus and my mind starts to wander too much. They also begin and end w/mindfulness (which is basically a form of meditation). I really need to work on that b/c I can't not think of things and just relax in the moment. I guess you could say that I get distracted very easily. There are 2 clocks in the room and they tick at different times and it really distracts me. I haven't learned to tune them out yet. My old therapist had the same thing, two clocks ticking at different times. I was able to tune them out during most sessions, but during silences it didn't go so well. What's up with that? You'd think they'd realize that a lot of people they see get distracted easily and would try to avoid adding another distraction.

On the plus side this week, my anxiety has gone down a lot since ending w/my last therapist. So here's to continued stability, or at least enough stability to not need Ativan all the time.

~JD

Hi JD,

I hope that soon you won't think that an hour & a half is too long for your group...WOW, that clock ticking thing would drive me nuts w/my ADHD, I would even say something to somebody about it. Very distracting indeed. Actually meditation really helps me to focus WHEN I do it.

I go to twelve step meetings a lot. Where I live now they're only an hour long which is better than an 1.5hrs SO I can definitely relate to what you're saying!

I haven't even been trying to catch up in school for the past 4+ days can't remember when I last sat down to do ANY. Like self sabotage or something...I think Seroquel is making me sleep my life away - it feels SO GOOD to sleep! Maybe I'm depressed & in denial about it. I AM very interested in my class material SO what's up w/my behavior? I just don't know what I'm afraid of...Success? Too late for that at this point anyway! Its about getting through it now.

So what did I do today? Went to see "Sucker Punch" then came back home & went to sleep til about an hour a half ago. LOSER behavior BUT I act like nothing is wrong. Now I'm watching basketball & going to an AA meeting at 8pm. Seems like I'm setting myself up to become manic but, AS FAR as I can tell I feel baseline w/a bit of irritation at NOT doing what I'm supposed to...

I think part of my being bipolar is that the way I feel doesn't quite match REALITY! I might need to take less Seroquel & Depakote OR change up my meds in some wayn I DUNNO.

I hope I can get something done this weekend! & that you have a good one

Let me know how things are going!

-lcb-

Hi. Hope you are feeling at least a bit more positive today. You were pretty negative and hard on yourself in your last post. It may be possible that you are afraid of success, or are you more worried about trying and failing? Movie and then sleeping is NOT loser behavior.

After the mindfulness thing, the leader asked if everyone was able to relax. I said no b/c of the clocks. Maybe I'll get used to it b/c it didn't seem to bother the other people at all. I'm kinda freaking out about the homework. We're supposed to fill out these sheets that have to do w/using interpersonal effectiveness skills. So if, for example, you needed to talk to your boss about a raise, you'd go through the steps on the sheet and write about how they worked and stuff. I'm not trying to be oppositional or whatever, but I really don't have any major issues w/other people that would "qualify" as something I'd analyze on the papers. Maybe I should just consider something that isn't a "prompting event" where I have to ask "Who did what to whom? What let up to what." Maybe I'm just thinking of it the wrong way, but I'm not trying to be clueless.

I also take Seroquel. It's supposed to help me sleep, also maybe help w/depression but I'm not quite sure about that. I still wake up at night although I stay awake for less time. My pdoc started me on melatonin (over the counter) to try to normalize my sleep. I've found that I don't generally wake up during the night, but after 8 hrs. (almost like clockwork) I wake up and it takes awhile to get back to sleep. Honestly, I don't think anything is going to make me sleep through the night as I've never been able to.

Went out for Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie told me to "Always accept yourself the way you are." Creapily something I need to work on; it's like the cookie "knew."

Hi JD,

I've been having a hard time w/sleep lately, like sleeping too much! Check out this past week...

The Vyvanse was working really well for my ADHD, BUT I ran out b/c its a CNS drug they'll only give me 30days supply & I will have to see the p-doc every month for 15minutes. He's so busy that its usually going to be a little longer.

Anyway, you're right about me being hard on myself - its a bad habit that is especially unproductive overall.

In my class on group psychotherapy the author of our text (Irvin Yalom) believes interpersonal learning (& relationships) to be the MOST important aspect of therapy. Probably b/c there are more opportunities for transference to occur between group members as well as the therapist(s). Group cohesiveness is 2nd b/c group members need to trust each other enough to be able to confront & support each other safely. I'm sure you will think of something OR maybe you could bring it up in group to help clarify the therapeutic goal of the assignment...Does it have to be something (a situation) outside of the group?

THAT IS weird about your fortune cookie...which reminds me: I bought 3boxes of Girl Scout cookies! I forgot Samoas though, DARN. Put the thin mints in the freezer. I've started to change my diet ~ I'm going to eat more meals each day BUT they're going to be small. I've done it before & it works, IF you keep the calories down, b/c it stimulates your appetite increasing digestion.

Problem is, I CAN cook very well BUT its hard to do for only one especially when I don't like eating the same thing for days in a row. I'm NOT lazy in the kitchen, although I have to clean up before I eat or else forget about it. I'll figure out some kinda menu. If Spring ever comes, it will be easier.

Its still snowing here in Utah. Don't know if I'm going to be able to live here for long when it snows in April. Killing me! I hate being trapped inside, although its a great excuse to study!

Thanks for your encouragement, I really appreciate the support & Good Luck w/your assignment...I only have a couple weeks to do ALL my school stuff - It will be easy to keep in touch b/c I'll be on the computer 24/7!

Thanks again & "here's to cont'd stability!"

Hi, lyman. Can your pdoc send you to the pharmacy with a copy of your prescription, so you're not stuck in between appts.?

Re: my homework, it should be something outside the group. You know, practicing skills in the real world. After last night, I decided to do mine on my irritation at my husband when he drinks & gets drunk. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it annoys me enough that I don't want to have anything to do with him. The only problem is that we didn't talk about it, so I'm not sure if I can really use it for the homework. Maybe I'll just use the homework as an excuse to talk about it, but I don't really know what to say b/c I don't know why I feel that way.

I haven't bought Girl Scout cookies recently. I feel bad not supporting them, but they've gotten too expensive. $4 for 20 cookies?! I like the Tag-a-longs, I think they are called peanut butter patties or something now. Don't know why they changed the name. It's funny though b/c I used to love them as a kid, but I think they've changed the recipe or something b/c every time I've gotten them recently they aren't as good as I remember.

I think it's great that you're starting to change your diet! I generally try to eat well, but get caught up in the need to have a bit of chocolate each day. Once I have one unhealthy thing, it spirals from there. Eating out for dinner completely blows any healthy eating for the day b/c it's REALLY hard to find a restaurant that doesn't cover the food in butter or cream sauce. I don't eat out too much b/c of that & I don't want to spend the money.

When I lived alone, I also had the same issue with making something good that I wouldn't have to eat for days afterwards. I found that splitting the recipes in half worked well. Now, I'm lucky enough that my husband does the cooking. I used to feel really guilty about it when I was teaching b/c I got home so much earlier than him; now I get home later 4 days a week. The kitchen appliances in our house were top of the line 20-30 years ago, but have not been updated since. The stove takes forever to heat up; the oven can't sustain a steady temp. It irritated me so much that it wasn't work the psych issues and I had my husband cook any meat we were having on the grill. That helped.

I thought the weather was bad enough here. Still snowing! I don't think I could handle it. There have been a few years where we've had a bit of snow in April, but luckily those are not the norm. I remember the April 1 storm in 1997 b/c they cancelled school which pushed back my high school graduation from Friday to Monday. REALLY uncool. My family that was coming from out-of-state had a bit of an issue trying to get the time off from work.

I'm excited for Friday b/c it's the 1st day of April which means I can restart my new car search. At the beginning of every month they have a new "deal." Through American Express and Progressive, you can pick out a car and all the options and it will give you the 3 dealers that are selling the car at the lowest price. None of them are the dealer that I am planning to buy my car from, but back in Feb., he was willing to give me the same deal as the cheapest dealer I found on the websites. I'm psyched to get a new car b/c I'm really getting tired of climbing over the seat. You'd think I'd be a pro at it by now, but I keep hitting the seatbelt thing with my thigh or bumping my head on the rearview mirror (and then having to find the correct position again) or hitting my head on the door frame when I get out. The latest was hitting me elbow on the door frame. I actually have a bruise! It's getting ridiculous!

Anyway, I'm going to get off my @$$ and go workout. I increased the resistance for today, so I should get a better workout as a result. The old resistance setting was getting too easy.

Have a great day!

~JD

Thanks JD,

Have a good workout & a GREAT day! I'm hitting the books 4EVER these next 2wks!

Jd,

I'm finally going to sleep! I didn't nearly get as much as I wanted to done...oh well at least I got something done...I have to decide whether or not to register for Summer tomorrow ~ I really don't know IF I'll finish my course work. Just need to accept that passing IS all that's necessary ESPECIALLY as far as Voc Rehab is concerned...HOW can I "Let Go"?

Hope you had a good weekend, workout & great start to a new week

Hi lyman. I'm having a #@$%&*ty day. I tried to get some girls together for a girl's night tonight. Just something simple, cook dinner here, watch a movie. One of the girls cancelled b/c she has a job interview tomorrow morning. Another wanted to meet halfway in between our houses (understandable b/c we live ~ 1 hr. from each other), but that fell through. One of the girls does people's taxes so she's ridiculously busy. I never heard back from the other four. I swear that EVERY time (literally) I try to get the girls together it falls through. Most of our friends are Brad's frat brothers and their wives/girlfriends. They're great to hang out with, but it seems like we're good friends when we're all (guys and girls) together and less so on our own. I know it's my fault b/c I don't generally like to talk on the phone to "catch up" and withdraw from people when I'm depressed, so the relationships fall apart/become distant. I don't know why I bother with girls' nights b/c I just end up upset. I feel like such a loser.

Anyway, I'm glad you were able to get some work done. :-) I don't understand how not finishing your work for this semester will affect signing up for Summer classes. I don't really have an answer for how you can "let go." I'm assuming you are talking about letting go of the work that you can't quite keep up with??? When I was in grad school, I was working full time and taking 2 classes a semester. After my first semester, I told myself I'd only take 1 class at a time so I'd get more out of the classes and not be overwhelmed. Well, in order to get a student loan I had to be at least a half time student = 2 classes, total of 6 credits. There was one semester (well, more than 1, but this 1 in particular) when I was so stressed out and overwhelmed that I just stopped doing the work during the last few weeks. I had never not done work before, ever! My full time teaching job was more important to me than some class that was "teaching" me to do my job. The prof actually took me outside the classroom to talk to me about my "B" and he asked if I thought it was fair and I said that it was b/c I didn't do all the work. You can only do so much, right?

Hope your day is going better than mine!

~JD

P.S. - STILL haven't decided what to do for my DBT homework. I actually left a message for the guy who runs the group, but haven't heard back (story of the week, I guess).

Hi JD,

I'm studying away....I would like to take 2classes & that's all I could get into anyway. I'm on the waiting list for one. It's Voc Rehab that's making me take a full class load which is ridiculous since I have like 160credit hours. An undergrad degree is 80hrs! My program has excused me from ANY prerequisites AND they ONLY offer 2 or 3 core classes a semester! Hopefully my therapist will write a letter for me to my Voc Rehab counselor I see her tomorrow...

I met w/my adviser she's very helpful - I agreed to try & pound out the rest of the semester's work. ALSO I get my Vyvanse (ADHD med) tomorrow IT really does help. NOW my only problem is sitting my butt down b/c once I do I can focus w/out getting up every 2seconds.

The weather is like drizzle snow right now BUT is supposed to be 80 degrees Fri. Even though I have to study I can't wait. I've been hearing people who've lived their entire lives here complain about being depressed b/c of the weather...I feel like I have a more legit beef w/Mother Nature on this one coming from Cali!

I was talking about trying to "let go" of being perfect w/my schoolwork ~ I spend too much time on stuff that isn't worth much towards my grade b/c I think its interesting or important. Voc Rehab only seems to care about me hurrying up & getting passing grades which my adviser said is C-. I think that sucks...my internship is 5creds plus another class would make 8 & I could get very good grades as well as get the most out of interning which I love IF that could be my schedule. That's what's going w/me. I watch movies A LOT even while studying partly b/c its better than my room mates switching the channels around. I just watched "Fair Game" & it reminded me of home (Berkeley) THEN I watched "Love & Other Drugs" & IT had a happy ending ~ I do love the Hollywood ending. Movies are awesome except European movies have some dark endings sometimes.

Hey did you make a plan OR get together w/your friends eventually? I know a bunch of Bostonians that have moved to the Bay Area. Most are around 30yrs old...I don't hear from them or anyone else really NOW that I'm a Utahn (Ute?). Its like outta sight outta mind I guess THAT & I don't use drugs anymore. I think a lot of them have moved back to Mass. Some have gotten married. The Bostonites I was close with in the Bay Area sent lots of weed back that way. I always wondered if that's the ONLY reason they moved to Nor. Cal.! ALSO I guess oxy's are much cheaper on the West Coast SO they smuggle those too & lots of shrooms...I have to find new ways to meet people & have fun IT doesn't help that I'm not a Mormon.

Is the economy worse out there than Ca? Its pretty bad in Utah...jobs aren't easy to get. Did you find something to do your homework on? Check back w/me when you get a chance.

I hope today IS better than yesterday 4 U.

-cb-

Hi Lyman! After using my computer solely for car research the past week, I finally bought a car yesterday! My 1st brand new one AND I don't have to climb over the passenger seat of my old one anymore. Well, at least not after the next few days. I'm psyched!

You've already taken 160 credit hours! Wow! I hope you've been able to focus on some of your work. I understand getting up a lot while working. My mind used to wander and I'd have to keep a check list nearby, so I could add things that I had to do before I forgot them and decided to do them right away. Hard to focus when you're jumping from 1 thing to another, as you know too.

So after I was empathizing or sympathizing (not sure which one is accurate) about you getting snow, we got some snow on Friday. Not a big deal, just a quarter to a half inch, but it's supposed to be spring! 80 degrees must have been nice. I'm just hoping for 60; the temps have been below average for awhile. Just looked up the weather for the week since I haven't watched the news recently. It's going to rain tomorrow and Tuesday. :-( Yuck! I hate rain! At least Tuesday will be almost 60, so it won't be a cold rain.

Nope, girls' night didn't work out. We had some friends over on Friday and went out to dinner last night for a friend's birthday. It was good to get out b/c I spent most of the week hibernating. Why would your friends move from CA back to MA?! I guess northern CA gets cold and snows, but southern CA's weather is SO much better than here.

I'm not sure how bad the economy is in CA, so I'm not sure if it's worse here. I know one of my friends was laid off awhile ago (August maybe) and was doing part-time work at another friend's company and is now doing temp work. Another friend (his wife) got laid off last week. She's had 7 or 8 interviews since then.

After negotiating with car dealers this weekend, I think I'm going to use that for my homework. The homework involved a problem - I could consider this to be driving a totaled car around. All the other parts of the homework should fall into place. They are probably looking for something in my personal relationships, but the issue is that I'm not one to rock the boat. My issues with relationships are related to isolation, not with having problems to work out. There are some things my husband & I could work on, but it's hard to bring them up b/c it would seem so random and probably wouldn't mesh well with the homework. I wouldn't want to share it with people I've only met twice anyway.

I hope you've had a good, productive weekend! Once again, I'm going to work out. Just hoping that there's something to watch on TV while I'm working out. I have no problem listening to music when going for a walk or run outside b/c the scenery changes, but working out on the elliptical at home would be very boring without watching TV at the same time!

JD

Hi JD,

You forgot to tell me WHAT kind of new car you bought! I really wanna know. I've NEVER owned a new car & I'm 44! Drove some "hoopty's" in my day, that's fer sure. That's SO awesome! Brand new car, WOW. I think I'd be kinda paranoid w/things like parking, rubbing up against a bush, scratching the paint & stuff like that. Good thing is you won't have to worry about NEW parts for awhile.

What a great idea to use the experience as your homework too. The focus on interpersonal relationships in therapy is usually communication anyway. They want you to gain insight (discover) into ineffective or unhealthy ways you (might) relate to other people. Our past relationships (experiences) are supposedly the glasses through which we view our newer & prospective relationships. Thus they are tainted in a good way or bad depending on who or what relationship they (subconsciously) remind us of. Sometimes referred to as schema, transference & projection depending on theoretical orientation OR even self-fulfilling prophecy. You guys are probably going to share your experiences w/each other...do you have co-therapists or just one?

You know what? I'm just going to stop right there! I'm working on this stuff in 1 of my classes right now & I'll most likely be leading therapy groups like yours eventually. Weird huh? Crazy folk like me helping others to get better WHEN they might not even be as crazy as me to begin with - ironic indeed. PLEASE feel free to ask any questions about your group process as I am well informed OR if you want to bitch about some individuals or even the therapist, w/out mentioning their real names of course, I am sympathetic to your cause. I WILL say this: it is the ultimate goal of you therapist(s) for you to be able to do exactly THAT at the group level. As you mentioned you've only met w/them 2ce SO it would be difficult to honestly say something like: "Dude, your (grandiose maybe?) attitude pisses me off" even if that were the case. Your therapist would jump for joy, inside not out at 1st, IF that were to happen for several reasons. Most important of which would be that it signifies a level of trust where people can be honest & spontaneous...by doing such a thing you would be opening yourself up as well BUT often other group members agree & would then feel safe enough themselves to reciprocate - when people become 'real' then real therapy begins.

What I'm trying to say is that effective therapy is most likely to occur in a group where its members feel safe enough to take risks & to honestly confront & support each other. Sorry, for going on...I could go on forever about this subject. I went to a group for about 80 or 90 1.5hr sessions. Very helpful & an awesome learning experience. Everyday I intern I go to one as well...ANYWAY ~ don't hesitate to talk about it if you want.

I'm very proud of you for working out. Dr.'s have ordered me not to run & jump any more & I don't know how to motivate myself w/out competitive nature of sports. I used to swim in the Pacific & that's all I had left before moving out here. Swimming is low impact on your joints. I'm trying to add exercise & meditation to my daily routine. My sleep is s+*t & I know for a fact they would be a great help in that regard. I'm on the softball team for my intern site & we had our 1st game on Fri night. I'm sore just from having to be in the outfield & running to 1st base! Boy did we get trounced 21 to 2! Ridiculous. We'll get better though...

Good to hear from you as it always is ~ I really appreciate your advice, support & willingness to listen to my B=-*S#*T when I need it most!

I bought a 2011 Nissan Altima. The dealer is putting in a remote starter and I'll be able to pick up the car on Thursday. Only 3 more days of crawling over the seat! :-)

Re: group - there are 3 therapists who run the group (I think one of them might be some kind of "big wig" and not technically a therapist, but I'm not sure). At least one person in the group sees 1 of them, but mine does not run the group.

I used to play softball until I moved a few years ago. There are only a few co-ed leagues here, but most of them have parents of my former students on the team and that would just be weird. Not as weird as if they were current students, but still. I think at least one is really competitive. I just played for fun. Can't field a ball to save my life (almost caught it once until I lost it in the sun and it hit me on the hip bone, huge bruise for 2 weeks!), but I can hit. 21 - 2; ouch. I think we had some big losses like that, but bounced back when we weren't playing the "super teams."

Hope your week is going well.

~JD
P.S. - You keep changing the name you use to sign your posts. I never know how to "address" my posts.

Hi JD,

Sounds like you'll be rollin'! What color? 2 or 4door? I'm totally jealous. I haven't had a driver's license in about 12yrs I think. I CAN have one...I've avoided it b/c I decided to wait til it was absolutely necessary OR til the opportunity to get a vehicle cheaply somehow presented itself.

My sisters & brothers (including step) have all upgraded or traded in for family oriented cars BUT somebody else has always been 'in line' ahead of me. Also I was the last one to know how unstable I was & they may have thought rightly so that it wouldn't be such a good idea. I may not have hit bottom OR stayed here in Utah if I had wheels at my disposal MY family was smart to make sure I had no ID when I agreed to come out here & get help. I couldn't get a plane or bus ticket & I know I would've b/c after 3.5wks I found out I'd be staying longer & I freaked out.

I got a DUI in 1999 there was an accident involved & there were injuries. I crashed into some old people that cut in front of me going 35mph on the freeway the day after x-mas at almost 12am. I had an 8ball of cocaine on me & ate it from fear of being caught & I had been drinking earlier in the day. They took me in & blood tested me...that was the 1st time I realized that my behavior wasn't just hurting me. I felt really bad & it would not have been my fault if I weren't on drugs THAT was the only reason I was on the road in the 1st place.

I did a county year for that, 2felonies & a strike...my probation officer (she was the best) said they made me the poster boy. Of course I didn't finish my MA in Ed - its hard to get credentialed w/a violent crime on your record. I got another construction job building custom homes in the Oakland hills fire zone SO I was probably making more $ anyway at $26per hr. I refused an offer for therapy, instead of taking a serious look @ myself I decided the solution was to NOT drive! I rode my bike & car pooled to work for the next seven years.

IF I had simply paid the DMV $124, I would've had a Driver's License before leaving CA. b/c it had been over 10yrs. I had to go to an 8hr class every Sat for 18mos, it cost $2000 & each felony cost $1750. Also completed 5yrs probation w/drug testing at least twice a month. I think that was $50 each time. W/a CA. License all I would have to do is take the written test to get a Utah 1. Instead I'll have to make an appointment for a driving test & find some1 to borrow a car from.

I would SO LOVE to have a car now. There's a million things to do LIKE Sundance Film Festival (I'm going next time I swear), mega skiing, Park City & Las Vegas is not far EVEN Reno is less than a days drive. Unfortunately the Bay Area IS a long drive. Don't think I would now BUT definitely would have smoked weed if I were in Cali. 6 to 8mos ago. Don't want to do anything that might screw up my progress; not worth it anymore.

I am so rambling...I feel grateful to be alive & have the opportunities I do now. iT sucks to have a mood disorder BUT life was much worse when it wasn't being treated & I was in denial. NOW I have to work on my ADHD, staying focused & on task. I still struggle w/sleep & regular exercise. The weather is going to jump from winter straight to summer at this rate! They're predicting SNOW & maybe rain starting Wed all the way to Sun here. IF it snows in May I'm going to freak out. Everything I do is inside, for months & months. I go to the movies for fun & if I join a gym THAT will be inside too. That's why I would love to have a car NOW.

I really need to learn how to meditate again b/c I probably wouldn't write these novels for you to read. Oh yeah my therapist is leaving in 3wks & she's turning me over to a guy named Phillip who specializes in add & adhd. It will be the 1st time in over a year that I've been receiving county mental health services that I'll be seeing a male therapist. You have to take what they give you usually.

My Dad & I have the same 1st name (Lyman), so I've been called by my middle name (Christian) for my whole life b/c I've always lived close to family til now. I figured I might as well go by my real 1st name. I changed after being here about 2mos which is when I realized I might be staying for at least 2yrs. I'm still getting used to it too & at my internship site staff members still call me Chris instead of Lyman all the time.

I'm not afraid of people "knowing" about me BUT don't know if its inappropriate? ...do you think I should make up a new name? I'm involved in the mental health & social services communities in 1way or another around these parts. Someone has already told me they know the dean of my department on here already. I don't know: I'm not that paranoid. I am naive when it comes to internet etiquette ~ took me forever to figure out what btw & wtf meant & that = -) was a smiley face.

Sorry about the novel IT was a nice break from cramming! Bet you can't wait to get your new car,

Have a great day!

-lyman

Hi Lyman. I went with a metallic slate four door. It does come with 2 doors, but they look kinda weird. I think the backseat is too big for 2 doors to be practical. Geez, I feel like an old person when I talk about a car being practical. LOL! I'd send you my car if I could. Aside from needing a new door (about $800 + the cost of making everything match and whatever, $500 for a dealer, BIG rip off for the consumer, no?), the rest of it is in great shape. My husband told me yesterday that the dealer will probably get a good price for it b/c they can break it down for parts. :-( I hate to think of my car being hacked up for parts.

When I 1st moved to MA from CT, I wasn't sure if I'd stay here either, although for different reasons than you. I actually kept my plates and registration in CT for awhile. I can't remember how long, but maybe last year they had a thing on the news about ppl. not registering their cars in MA after moving and how it cost the state lots of money and how it is illegal to not register your car here after a certain amt. of time. I thought the story was interesting in that they don't make it widely know about the car registering deadline. I went over it by a lot, but didn't realize there was a law about it. Geez, I was like 22 at the time! How was I supposed to know?! Oh well, I didn't get "caught."

In my family, cars have never been passed down. I wasn't really "allowed" to buy a car, so I didn't have one until 2nd semester junior year of college. I was so excited, except I couldn't bring it to school b/c all the parking permits had been given out so I had to wait 'til senior year.

Sounds like there a lot of cool things to do where you live. What is mega skiing? I've never heard of that, though. I'm sure there are some cool things to do around here that I don't realize. I just dislike living in MA as a whole (mostly weather), but it's better than living in CT where I swear there really is nothing to do. No sports teams since the Whalers left. I wouldn't spend much time in Hartford or really any of the cities b/c there are too few "good" areas to hang out in after dark, at least as a woman. The Whalers are probably a big reason why I love hockey. Aside from gymnastics, which I did for 8 yrs. growing up, it's the only sport I watch. I watched the weather earlier today and am super psyched that starting on Sunday, the temps are going to be at or near 70! Monday is even supposed to be 85! I can actually get outside and start running again. :-) Knowing New England, the next week will probably be back in the 40s and 50s, but I'm hoping not. I understand doing things inside for months and months. The only really good months here are May and Sept. June and Oct. are ok, but tend to end up being either really hot/humid (bad when in a classroom with sluggish students b/c there's no AC) or too cool, too fast.

I need to learn how to meditate. Did I already talk about the mindfullness (basically meditation) that we do in group? I talked to one of the ppl. from grp. afterwards today about it. She said that I'll eventually be able to get in the zone and stop my thoughts. She actually told me to focus on the ticking of the clock (which is just distracting to me) b/c it could be soothing. It sounds like something to try and just think about in a different way, soothing as opposed to distracting.

What are your thoughts about seeing a male therapist? I've never seen one, only had 1 pdoc that was male. I've always found that female therapists & pdocs were better for me; don't think I'd even consider seeing a male. Maybe that's just b/c I'm also female. I'd be interested in your perspective as a guy.

I'm assuming the name change thing was coming up with a new name on mood tracker? I think a new name might be a good idea so no one can "find" you, accidentally or not, and learn personal stuff. If I was in your position, I wouldn't want ppl. knowing what was going on, but that's just me. I had a conversation w/ my therapist today about talking about hurting myself and how I'd do it. She wants me to do a pros and cons list of talking AND not talking. I'm not sure you can change your name without losing all of your charting stuff, unless you just kept this name too and just didn't post with it. I was very naive about internet abbreviations, too. I could never figure out why people wrote brb and I felt like I'd look like a fool if I asked b/c everyone else knew what it was. I've never seen = - ) as a smiley face, though, only :-).

It's always nice to take a break from cramming. Don't worry about the novel. I've written about 50 times more novels than you (looks like this one is too). :-) And, yes, I am so excited about getting my car. On Monday, I found out that I'd be getting it tomorrow (Thurs.) instead of Tues. and I've been counting down the days since then. Yesterday, I actually started counting down the hours, probably more than a bit odd. I feel like a kid in a candy store!

Hope you have a great day, too!

~JD

P.S. - 22 1/2 hrs.

Hi JD!,

You must be rolling around town in your new ride! You'll have to tell me about it. Is your man jealous?

Mega skiing = skiing a lot! There's so many ski resorts here BUT w/out a car its NOT gonna happen b/c I want to get a season pass. Its very expensive per day & season pass is like $1200 maybe more. Daily is like $75-95. Park City is probably most expensive. I've been here 1.5yrs & haven't visited Park City yet. I'm closest to Sundance.

Guess what? I do NOT know what brb is! & thanks for showing me how to do the smiley thingy :-) too.

I took your advice & changed my username. It changed ALL of my previous posts I might change it again to something like: treehugger OR hakunamatata I used kumbaya b/c I wasn't sure what was going to happen like you said & I say it a lot for some reason.

I need to remember some kinda cool saying or profound quote when I hear one to end my posts with like some folks do w/the italic signature thing. Maybe "here's to continued stability" I'd have to credit you w/the reference though: Here's to continued stability - JD! :-)

I have been blowing off studying at the most crucial time - NOW! Past couple days I've been busy w/House Manager stuff BUT that's no excuse. Although our brand new fridge stopped being cold & i have no idea why EVERYTHING else works, the lights turn on inside & the fans are blowing there's just no cold. The freon gas is not working properly. A bunch of my food was ruined & I was pissed. I used the opportunity to clean the hell out of it...don't know why I procrastinate b/c things only get worse, don't know if I'm afraid of something like success MAYBE I'm angry at the world & don't want it to see me happy. In REALITY I'm the 1 who suffers & that sucks NO MATTER WHAT the underlying issues at the root of the maladaptive behaviors are.

IT really would be excellent IF I was better at Behavior Modification! Maybe my signature saying should be: Pain is the Cornerstone of Change OR Significant Change does not occur until Suffering has reached Sufficient Levels. Something like that would be very appropriate regarding me.

I'm pretty sure that I'm at least a little depressed. Often I don't know for awhile; almost as if I have a natural built in denial towards it. Part of me believes that its unacceptable to be depressed. The reason I say 'part of me' is b/c I know that its ridiculous EVERYBODY experiences depression in some form - its part of being human. Freud would most likely think that it (the denial) stems from me not wanting my mother (parents) to see me unhappy: its my job to be happy for them OR something to that effect. Possibly I see myself as a failure in their eyes & am unworthy of happiness....treating myself accordingly.

Moodtracker helps b/c I realize that I've been sleeping A LOT - my favorite coping mechanism against depression. How can you experience IT if you're asleep, right? ONLY the consequences of NOT getting things done, which becomes a vicious cycle as the situation continues to worsen. Thursday morning I could NOT get up, wake up, stop sleeping...whatever you wanna call it. I missed my 1credit weightlifting class which I couldn't afford to do - it could mean the diff btwn an A or B grade. I ended up sleeping til 2pm & We 3pm THEN don't go to bed til 4 or 5am sometimes as a result.

My parents were having problems when I was 10-13yrs old & I started getting in trouble in an attempt to take the focus off. As an adult child of an alcoholic, this behavior is commonly referred to as playing the scapegoat.

Here I am starting to turn it into a novel!...Briefly, here's whats going on ~ its supposed to snow a couple feet before the weekend is over & boy is THAT getting old. I think our softball games will be rained or snowed out we have a double header 1game at 6pm then again at 9 they're timed for 1hour each I need to do my work anyway. My planned fun is to go see the movie "Hanna" in 8hours.

Have fun w/your brand new ride!

-kby?-

Yesterday was my first day with my new car. Some birds decided to use it as a bullseye for their poop, so it is now garaged until Monday. I didn't fall for any of the extended warranty type packages from the dealer. However, I did get the Protect All package which allows me to get paint sealer (to protect against road salt, acid rain, and, yes, bird poop) and fabric protector to protect against stains, spills, etc. On Monday, they'll put that stuff on. Also included is dent and ding coverage. I figured it would be worth it and since I have similar coverage for my couch (rips, spills, etc.), why not my car.

I haven't been skiing for 8 yrs. because of the expense. The last time I went with my friend's work b/c we got a group discount for condo and lift tix, which was the only reasonable way to go.

I know all about behavior modification, or, rather, the lack thereof. After the current stuff we're doing in group, we're going to be doing mindfulness (not sure how that's going to be a whole "unit"), but after that we are doing emotional regulation which is TOTALLY what I need. Some days I go from "normal" to ready to quit life over the stupidest, smallest things. Quite ridiculous actually. When more long-term depression comes on, it's gradual and I'm in denial just like you mentioned. I don't acknowledge it until I'm in the depths of hell. Then, I spend much of the time trying to act "normal" around other people which is just exhausting.

Sorry to hear about the snow coming your way. Well, considering that it's now the weekend, it's probably there already. We are luckily getting a reprieve from the cool weather. For the next 7 days, it's supposed to be 60 or higher. Monday's going to be 80, although I won't believe it until I see it. The thermometer now says it's about 66, though. One of my friend's posted on craigslist if we thought it would snow again if she put her snow shovels away.

Going to head out for a long walk or a run. Need to enjoy the warm weather before it goes away. This is New England after all. It's still April, so this warm weather could still be a tease and not a segue into spring. Hope it stops snowing there SOON!!!

~JD

P.S. - brb = be right back

Hi JD,

It always cheers me up to hear from you YEAH better get that protective coating before leaving your new toy outside!

It just stopped snowing Sunday early...I slept from Fri night (late) til Sun 5pm WOW
I have a lot of school work left to do & I could not get up. I'm depressed to some degree & on Wed I'll tell my therapist ~ I'm really going to miss her when she leaves in a week or whatever.

NOT going to check into the loony bin just yet HOPEFULLY it won't get that far along. I went to a regular Dr today HE thinks I'm having gout/arthritis in feet SO he took blood & I go back next week - I could barely walk yesterday evening.

Its TRUE that my physical state of being has a huge impact on my emotional state(s) I can't do much about my gout & when i have an attack in my feet or foot I don't get to walk SUCKS BUT that's just the way it is.

TELL me more about this emotional regulation when you have the opportunity

Here's to the beginning of a great week

-kby-

Hi kby (I like your new name by the way),

Car's all set with the registration, inspection, nicked bumper repair (there when I first got it), and protection stuff. :-) Got it back last night after they gave me a Cube as a loaner car. I called it "The Embarrassment." There are people out there who like the look of a car that is shaped like a box. I'm the one who's always making fun of the car when I see them on the road. It was the only one available, so I wasn't going to turn it down, although I tried. It had issues, too; the windshield had a 2 foot crack in it. The front tire was making a noise like a rock was stuck in the treads. On the way back, I decided to look at it (not sure why I waited until Day 2); turns out stuck in a tread was one of those screws that hold the license plate on. So I was "that girl" driving 50 on the highway with my flashers on, paranoid that the grooved pavement was going to rip the screw out and pop the tire. All went well and I got my car back. "Moved" into it last night, aka transferred all the important stuff from my old car (CDs and such) and went through all the XM stations and set them. I only have it for 3 mths, but some people have been able to keep it longer b/c the XM people don't always realize they still have it. Driving around today, I was thinking how I really need to go on a road trip with it; city driving doesn't seem to mesh with the amount of power it has compared to my old car. I could even just take a road trip that does nothing but loop back to my house. I'll be going to visit my parents in a week and a half, so I'm psyched for the drive at least.

I'm glad it stopped snowing there! I'm sure that contributed to staying in bed all weekend. Rain's always done that to me; this year, snow did as well b/c we got SO much of it this year and it seemed like it was a colder winter, although it probably wasn't. This weekend, we were lucky enough to have sunny, warm weather for a few days. It rained all day today and was in the 40s, but tomorrow is supposed to be 60 and sunny. Glad for that b/c more than 1 day of rain sets off my depression, sometimes it only takes one day of rain. Too sensitive, I guess.

I didn't realize they could do a blood test for arthritis, or is the blood test for gout? That's got to be tough. I know the days are usually at least a little better when I am able to workout. Since Oct., it's been really hard to stay motivated b/c it's so much easier to just stay in bed longer in the morning.

I know it will be hard to move on to a new therapist. I can't believe I stopped seeing my old one only 3 weeks ago. It seems SO much longer. The weeks recently have gone by REALLY slowly, so that may be part of it. I never thought I'd be able to move on, but I'm surprised at how easy it turned out to be.

Group today actually went well. We had another interpersonal relationships homework. Dealing w/car salesmen didn't fit this one. I'm not one to "rock the boat" and never talk about the big issues going on, so I had nothing specific to write about. I just did the homework on the generalization of being able to come out from behind the wall and let people in. I even said that I put on an act like everything's fine when it's not, which I've never told anyone except my old therapist, who ended up telling my husband on the weekend she put me on suicide watch. She told him about it and told him to watch out for it and not be fooled. Anyway, we'll be moving on to the emotional regulation part next week I think. I'll keep you posted on that.

Off to catch up a bit on Facebook...I should seriously stay in better touch with people than Facebook. Then I wonder why girls' nights never work out. I do have 4 girls who said they could make it for girls' night a few Fridays from now. My husband will be going to watch boxing live w/a few friends. Decided to plan way ahead this time, so I have a chance of people actually coming.

Here's to a great week

~JD

Hi JD,

Thanks for checking in, that's hilarious you had to drive the "box" around! Sounds like you're all set w/the "Move" into the new car.

There are big mountains (Timpanogos & Cascade) w/very much snow on their peaks right now: people are worried about this years run off. They are definitely spectacular to look at BUT if I was rolling like you are, I too would want to take a road trip. I'd go BACK to Cali ~ there's SO many beautiful places to see.

I've never been to the Grand Canyon, so its definitely high on my list of places to go. I don't think I've ever been to New Orleans & I was very little when we visited Niagara Falls...

I had an excellent meeting w/my therapist & got to meet my new 1 - I still have 1more appt. Also, I found out I can have unlimited amount of meetings w/my therapist WHEN I was told I had nontraditional medicaid which is not true.

Anyway I've got to go my ride is here

Have an excellent week. OK?

-kby-

kby,

What an exhausting week! Lots of stress about something that will probably turn out ok, but keeps me on edge until I know for sure. It's school break week, so some of the people who can answer my questions are out-of-the-office. FRUSTRATING!!!

Since it is school break week, I worked all day yesterday and today, putting in all 20 of my hours in two days. Very tired on top of just being tired all the time the last few weeks anyway.

I went to the Grand Canyon a few years ago. It's definitely a cool place to see. Way off the beaten path though. We drove from Vegas. It took 4 hours. Make sure your car or the car you rent or the person you are going with's car has a CD player or XM radio. Our rental car did not and literally the only thing on the radio was the Diamondbacks baseball game. I am a Yankees fan, I love the team,but I don't even listen to their games on the radio b/c it's too boring. I've never been to New Orleans either but it seems too much like a party place and I'm not into that scene anymore, plus I'm not a fan of spicy food in general, so I'm not sure I'd eat much besides "non-Cajun" food. Niagara Falls is also a cool place to be. Very touristy though. Go in the early summer or late summer before kids have gotten out of school or after they've gone back. I've seen pictures in the winter and the falls are iced over. It would be neat to see, but WAY too cold. I'll stick with the pics. :-)

I'm glad your meeting with your therapist went well. I think you've probably met with your new one for the first time already, right? How did that go? Unlimited meetings is a good thing. I actually discovered that I don't have to pay anything for the DBT program, not for the groups or my therapy sessions. I still don't quite believe that insurance covers it and am sure I'm going to get some huge bill at some point, but my therapist and the front desk assured me that I'm all set. Something about the program not being inpatient or outpatient, but somewhere in between. Works for me.

I need to shoot out a few e-mails and then eat dinner. It's 8:20 and I almost never eat dinner this late. I'm not quite hungry, but should probably eat something, especially b/c I'm not totally positive that I didn't take my 2nd dose of lamotrigine twice b/c I couldn't remember if I had and didn't think I had. Seriously, I should keep the bottle on the table if I've taken it and off the table if I haven't b/c some days I just can't remember 100%. So food would be good.

Hope your week is going well.

~JD

Hi JD,

I've been having a rough go of it lately. Today I had a great LAST session w/my therapist. I HAVE problems w/accepting myself JUST the way I AM positives + negatives = WHOLE. She said I''ve made incredible progress in my time w/her. I can almost carry on a complete conversation w/out her having to bring ME BACK several times. However, I've F'd up this semester so BAD & I hope I've learned my lesson....

My new therapist I'll only be able to see for a couple months b/c he's getting his doctorate - he has everything done except his hours. I'm really lucky to be able to see him b/c his specialty IS ADHD. Of course he's leaving county mental health asap!

I put my post from this weekend below (the 18th) ~ Its hard to believe that I could FALL APART so quickly...

I have been nuts since yesterday COMPLETELY!!! Walking in circles NOT able to sit down & study, despite the Vyvanse. I was going to take myself to UNI (the psych ward) BUT I think I figured out WHY...I was prescribed Prednisone, a steroid, to take for a week along w/a anti-inflammatory (indomethacin) b/c I get severe joint swelling: they believe its gout. Although I have yet to test for high levels of uric acid in my blood. I'll find out Tues.

Anyway it must have been something in the air (cosmic) + JUST the right combination of environmental triggers = So close to going over the edge.

This weekend was SCARY! Craziest I've been since going to the Psych ward in Jan '10 The Dr.'s there wanted to make sure I wasn't detoxing from alcohol (b/c it can be life threatening) & other drugs. They didn't believe anything I said at 1st: from quiet, to crying uncontrollably, running up & down the hallways, pissed as hell, then hiding when of course there's NOWHERE to hide & I couldn't leave b/c it was the dead of winter.

I'm So grateful that I was able to recognize the symptoms & utilize my support system. I DON'T use it enough....its unfamiliar to ask for help & receive it graciously w/out feeling like I'm a child. Its become a very important part of MY RECOVERING from this bipolar s8!t though. I had to change just about everything & bend myself to fit into THIS world instead of continuing to live in MY OWN ~ Which had become HELL.

I'm totally stressed w/my schoolwork SO little time left & SO much to do...People I've met here (I tend to hang w/a clean & sober crowd these days) have been telling me about old acquaintances, friends & even family members that have overdosed, committed suicide OR died from alcohol related causes RECENTLY.

Also Spring is TRYING to breakthrough here...its taking forever! The daffodils in my front yard are blooming & some of the iris too; tried to mow the lawn BUT the grass hasn't grown enough. It snowed last Sunday & there may be more on the horizon STILL.

WELL I hope in the future I don't start believing I'm cured & stop doing the things that have SAVED my life & my sanity (to some degree). Its not going to be an OVERNIGHT MATTER!

Here's to a better week

kby,

Wow, it sounds like you need to try to sit down and take some deep breaths. Even though your new therapist won't be there long, his specialty is ADHD, so he should be able to help you a lot in the short amount of time you do have.

I understand falling apart quickly. For me, it can happen in minutes. Like last night, I was watching On Demand. The show ended. I got really upset about some medical test results that are probably 90% nothing, but I keep worrying about the 10% part. My doctor is on vacation this week, so I've been going crazy waiting. I ended up on the bathroom floor in tears which never ends well. I tried making a coaching call as part of the DBT program, but I really needed to talk to one of the women b/c I was not going to be able to talk to a guy, but that's who I got. Ended up telling him that I could do the breathing he suggested and that I'd be ok. Afterwards, I took an Ativan and did something they'd have an issue with and thought I should have done those instead of bothering to call. I have to think more like you, when you said it's not going to be an "overnight matter."

I'm glad you are able to use your support system and that many of them are clean and sober. I think that's really important for people like us (don't read into that too much, couldn't come up w/anything else that would get my point across) to stay away from stuff that is not our meds. I'm still going with the whole act like everything is ok front which I know is not a good idea. I just don't know what else to do.

There are a some flowers starting to bloom around here. I've been getting potted or cut bunches of flowers recently to brighten up the house. I don't think the grass in our backyard is going to come back. It's a straw yellow color.

I hope the rest of your week is going better.

~JD

Happy Easter JD,

I'm still struggling...tomorrow I see my p-doc then my accessibility adviser IF I can getup on time - have to be there at 8:30am SO ride my bike OR public transit. Its gonna be a big day.

I'm unhappy & I'm trying to think of everything I'm grateful for right NOW b/c it usually helps...Part of it is that I miss family. Another part is that I set myself up to FAIL. I'm learning how to do everything differently. 'Bout time I grew up I guess.

I know I'm depressed BUT I'll get through it...this week will be a lot better. Don't wanna bum U out gotta go sleeep

I hope U have a great week!

-kby-

Happy Belated Easter kby,

How did your appts. with your pdoc & your accessibility advisor go? You are right; you WILL get through the tough times. I need to remind myself of that b/c I never think that way when things get bad. I hope today is even a little better than yesterday.

I just printed out my mood chart to bring to my therapist appt. tomorrow. My mood has been pretty decent over the last week, but when it's not, it's way down. My sleep has been all over the place for the last few weeks. I didn't realize that until I looked at my chart. I usually just fill in the mood record and don't look at the chart.

I'm still waiting for the emotion regulation part of DBT. Right now we're on something called wise mind. It's one of those 2 overlapping circle charts that I can't remember the name of. One side is the emotional mind, the other side is the reasonable mind, and the overlapping part is wise mind. Our homework was to fill in a three column chart to show how we went from emo. mind to reason. mind to wise mind. I haven't done the homework b/c I'm still at the point that when I get really depressed there is no rational thought, so I don't get to the reasonable mind part and therefore also can't get to the wise mind part. I think this is something I'm going to have to do the 2nd time around after the emo. regulation.

Hope your week is starting to be better.

~JD

Hi JD,

I'm doing better BUT I really have screwed up school. My p-doc seems to think I've handled things pretty well. However, my accessibility counselor said I have to beg my professors for mercy! What I'm worried about is voc rehab dropping my case; meaning they'll stop paying for my school...

Tomorrow I meet w/my program adviser & have to tell her that I'm failing 2 classes. I dread the fact that I will eventually, sooner than later, have to tell my voc rehab counselor about being overwhelmed.

I agree w/you in that I don't have rational thought processes while in depressed mode. I kept thinking all semester that I'd be able to catch up & THAT was crazy thinking! SO I'm now trying to finish everything in just one class - four writing assignments & a final that I'm sure is all very involved essay questions. I've got almost exactly 24hrs left.

I'm kind of in the acceptance phase, mixed w/a high dose of guilt & shame over failing.

Anyway, I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow. I see my new therapist on May 2nd. Don't be like me...get your h-work done!

I'll talk to you later this week. Until then may good things come your way,

-kby-

kby,

I think it's probably a good thing to focus on finishing everything for one class. I think it will be more manageable to focus on one class than all of them. Plus, you'll be COMPLETELY done with that class instead of being only PARTIALLY done with all of them. Everyone has rough semesters; try not to feel too guilty or ashamed.

So, during group yesterday I found out that I don't have to go from emotional mind to reasonable mind to wise mind all in a row. It is ok to just write something for one or two of them at a time. I was able to come up with something to say after all. My problem is that I shy away from sharing too much. That, and I get caught up in other people's emotions and it paralyzes me in a way. I get too emotional b/c I'm worried about my own stuff and adding other people's stuff on top of it is overwhelming. I need to talk to my therapist about this. I'm also trying to schedule my therapy appt. on a different day than the group. When I have therapy after group, I'm too burned out to really get anything out of it. It will be a pain to drive there twice a week, but I think it will be better in the long run.

Try to stay motivated to finish your work in the class that you are focusing on and think of the sense of accomplishment you'll feel when you are done. You're almost there!

~JD

Hi JD,

As always thanks for the kind & encouraging words. I have to take 1class over & do double work for the internship BUT all my classes are online. I was up all night finishing my final & I think I did OK. I had to talk w/the Dean though - I was a little stressed out yesterday. But I have an awesome adviser & it was hard to admit that I screwed up 2 classes SHE made it so that I only have to take 1 over & at least I think I've learned my lesson...I don't have FREE time.

I hope my voc rehab counselor doesn't kick me off of it b/c there's going to be incompletes on my transcript. I meet w/my new therapist on Monday & we'll talk about my class/workload among other things. I really miss my other 1.

This summer I'm gonna be swamped WHICH sucks b/c I'm itching to get outside. The weather has been lame here in Orem, Ut - its supposed to SNOW tomorrow! Mother Nature gimme a break...

I can relate to getting overwhelmed BUT in your case its a sign that you're not a sociopath! Just messin w/ya. I think its a good idea to talk to your therapist about it first b/c sometimes you can save $ by doing them on the same day & there may be a way for you to relate to your group members w/out getting to engrossed in the feelings...for CARING individuals, like you, this is can be a hard thing to do. I'm so tired after 1 day @ my internship b/c all day I'm sitting in on individual & group therapies SO HARD to keep "detached" ALL of the time. I have to keep close watch on where I'm at emotionally b/c I need to use them as a tool w/out being carried away in the tide.

There are some SAD stories as residents are detoxed from drugs, painful memories surface. They've done some horrible things & horrible things have happened to them - I mean REALLY bad stuff.

Anyway, I'm going to try & impose STRUCTURE on myself. Make some realistic& achievable goals. I have to start meditating & working out again...been GOOD w/the diet - no Ben & Jerry's & lots of rabbit food! Gonna work on my 5pg paper starting tomorrow. I can eliminate an incomplete when I finish it.

Well I hope you're having a really good week & PLAN to have fun!

-kby-

Hi kby,

Is Monday the first day you will see your new therapist after finishing w/the old one? Having ended w/my old therapist 5 weeks ago (seems a lot longer than that, the days and weeks seem to go by SO slowly), it's actually gone ok. I think I got all worked up about it and more anxious that necessary. I've noticed I do that a lot. I need to try and relax and realize that most of the time it ends up not as bad as I thought it would be. I hope that happens for you and your new therapist.

STILL snowing!!! I think the weather here has finally let go of the cool temps. I hope I'm not jinxing things by saying that. It's supposed to be at least 60 degrees according to the 7 day forecast, not that they know what it will be like a week from now, but the near future looks good. It's going to be 70 degrees today. I'm looking forward to going for a long walk, maybe mixed with jogging or sprints. I found that I actually do my 4 mile loop faster when I walk then sprint then walk then sprint, etc.

Congrats on the healthy diet! I try to eat well and have added more fruits and veggies to each day, at least this week. It's funny b/c on days that I exercise I usually eat better as part of a healthy day kind of thing. I do have a chocolate something almost every day though, and try to limit it to one chocolate thing. Sometimes I cheat on the bad days. Occasionally I can satisfy my sugar craving w/Yoplait Original Banana Creme yogurt. It tastes EXACTLY like banana creme pie!

Keep up the good work! It seems like you are almost at the end of all the school work that you are catching up on. The end seems to be in sight. Try to use this semester as a learning experience for budgeting your time in the future. Ok, that sounded too academic advisor-y, but you know what I mean, right?

~JD

Hi JD,

Yeah, it was tough; I got a B+, B-, Inc. & an 'E' which I guess is the same as an 'F'. My GPA was 1.64! I am going to be so slammed this Summer b/c I'm taking 13hours & 1class I have to do 2semesters work ALL my classes will be on-line this time & IF I finish everything I'll be done w/the scholastic part of my program @ least I think that's what my adviser said. Its only a third of it though. I have to take some state tests, do a lot more intern hours (2000!) & some other various things for the Licensing part. Classes start on Mon 5/9.

I hope my voc rehab doesn't get cancelled for having such a bad GPA. That would mess up ALL of my plans. I went & talked to the dean of my program & we worked things out. However, this semester I will take the initiative if after a few weeks I realize I won't be able to complete a class. I will have to do a little bit of each class everyday. Finding BALANCE has always been difficult .

My past 3 therapists have been women...so its going to be different working w/a male therapist who's younger than me to boot. He takes Vyvanse like I do - I have a very positive attitude & believe its gong to work out well. Our 1st session was excellent. I'm going to see him every week b/c he's leaving as soon as he finishes his hours which is all that he has left to get his PhD.

Its like 6am right now! I've already started on some assignments that are open even though the classes haven't officially started. I HAVE to stay ahead of my course work as was recently learned in a painful fashion.

I have been slightly manic & depressed at the same time: my least favorite mood combo. Doesn't happen often. As long as I have energy my mood can change for the better very rapidly. My depression is usually paralyzing.

You're so lucky that you can run MY joints can't take the impact anymore so I'm not supposed to. Oh yeah I had to see the MD again who had me make an appointment w/a rheumatologist for what they believe is gout. I now have to take yet another medication indefinitely (allopurinol). Anyway I hope you plan on having fun this weekend. I've already had mine. I saw THOR in I-max 3D. It was awesome to me b/c I had the Marvel comic books as well as some Scandinavian folklore books on Norse Gods.

Have a Great Weekend - its supposed to rain here on Sun, if it does there's going to be some serious flooding due to the amount of snow pack - I hope you're enjoying your new car!

Peace & Stability,

-kby-

kby,

It's been a rough week overall for me. I'm not completely sure why, but think it may be related to the DBT program. It's too focused on skills and numbers, the diary card we fill out every week has us rate different feelings and use of skills in numbers. As in, yesterday I rated hopelessness as a 5 out of 5 and rated the skill of distraction as a 5 (tried it and it worked). They have a 24 hr. number you can call, but it's just a coaching call. I called once and they just told me to do deep breathing. I don't need them to tell me that; I need them to just LISTEN! But that's not how the program works, the coaching calls are only for coaching, not therapy. When I first started the program, that was fine with me b/c I didn't want to talk about "stuff" anyway, but now I'm thinking that's a very BAD idea for me. I'm starting to think my old therapist recommended the program just to get rid of me. Also, my husband has been gone a lot and it seems that we're more like housemates. I get used to being alone and isolated and sometimes wish he wasn't here during the times he is here b/c I'd rather be alone. I'm just feeling trapped in my own life. I feel out of control and there are too many "what if" questions...What if I stopped taking meds? What if I quit DBT? What if I just didn't care anymore? I know I need to talk to my pdoc, but I don't have an appointment 'til next Thursday. I called today to find out if she had any appts. sooner than that, but I can't make it to any of them, except today. I refuse to go on a Monday though, b/c that's the only day my old therapist works and I don't want to chance running into her b/c it would just be weird and too emotional. It's probably one of those things that I get all anxious about and it would turn out fine, but I don't want to risk it. Maybe I'll just call her instead, or maybe I should just suck it up and go anyway. I actually think I might do that b/c I know that my need to be there outweighs my freaking out about running into my old therapist.

So, how did your classes go today? What are you taking this semester? When you said you should do a little bit for each class every day, that sounds like a good plan. :-)

I can relate to being "trapped in my own life". I feel that way far to often...like NOW - I've been writing out lists & schedules & such; trying to plan out MY whole life RIGHT NOW! I think its b/c I have some insecurities DUE to the fact that I can't just smoke a fatty anymore. Also its almost as if I'm avoiding DOING what I'm writing about BY writing about it. I'm trapped in my own HEAD & sometimes I AM my worst enemy. Thank God I have roommates! Or I'd be in real trouble....

I did get up @ 6:45AM. Still I have been journaling, scheduling & thinking ALL morning & I'm thinking: What the hell have I accomplished so far? Nada...I WAS going to go to the noon AA meeting BUT I'm going to the CA meeting @ 8PM already. Now I'm thinking it would have a good idea b/c I would see people I know & get me out of myself a little bit. I was also going to join the gym this morning & I think I will NOW that I'm not going to the meeting. I see my new therapist at 3PM. He's going to be good 4me.

My classes are up today & I haven't reviewed my assignments yet BUT I did call my intern site to see if I can get started again there on Wed or Th. I'm retaking "Current Topics in Psychology" its also called "Dynamics of Addiction" for some reason, them I'm continuing my intern class IF they let me, I'm taking an ethics class & finally a counseling class ~ can't remember the titles right now. They're all online so I have to keep MOTIVATED no matter what. No getting overwhelmed. I also have to get started on any kind of BIG papers that need to be done. Usually I'm good w/weekly deadlines & such BUT the research papers are hard for me to gauge HOW much time, work & effort they'll take.

ITS just been hard adjusting to my new life...I just got a phone call from my Site Supervisor & I have to call his boss to get my intern spot back! SO I have to go & call her now...hopefully it will turn out OK or I'll be pretty upset.

I don't believe your old therapist was trying to get rid of you. I don't know if he can talk to you if you're not his client though - if he's at work then it'll be OK. I can also relate to what you were saying about your relationship...every relationship has periods like that. And YES I think you should go today b/c sometimes the things we don't FEEL like doing are what we really need to do...

Have an awesome day

-kby-

kby

Just checking in briefly. This week has been #@$%&* and I don't want to bring down your day. I did go to see my pdoc on Monday and I didn't run into my old therapist, which was good. I was way to anxious about that.

I hope all of your scheduling and organizing is falling into place. It seems like you are very busy, but I know everything will work out. I think you've learned a lot from your experience last semester.

Have a great day.
~JD

JD,

I hope your weekend is going well...I'll be on the computer, reading, interning OR at the library EVERYDAY this Summer. One of my profs IS requiring an absolutely ridiculous amount of work! I really hope I learned my lesson LAST semester: I CANNOT afford to fall behind.

The weather is getting nicer which is going to make it all that much harder AS we had like no Spring whatsoever. I DID join a gym that's close by...tis got a cheesy weight room BUT convenient & there's a hot tub & sauna. Soaking my joints IS very important b/c of my Gout ~ I see a rheumatologist in Sept.

I wish for you to have a wonderful relaxing weekend - ENJOY!

-kby-

Hi kby,

I think (hopefully not jinxing myself) that my depression is lifting somewhat. It REALLY sucked me in this time. I wasn't sure I'd make it through and viewed it as a GREAT accomplishment that I actually made it through last week. :-(

I'm glad the weather is getting nicer out there. Can you please send some of it my way? It's supposed to be gray and dreary w/rain, showers, or mist for the next however many days. Yesterday, the weatherman said til Friday; someone today told me Saturday; I stopped watching the weather. I had to turn my heat back on this morning when it was 61 degrees in the house and 45 degrees outside. It stayed in the 40s all day. After the winter we've had, spring is sucking, too.

How is all your school work going? Are you going to school and interning, or also working? When I went back to school, I was going part time, while working full time. I didn't get as much out of the program as I would have liked b/c I just didn't have the time. Ironically, I was going to school for a Master's in Education WHILE I was teaching. College work took a backseat to actual teaching. I hope you are able to focus more on school than I was able to.

Enjoy the weather and have a nice week,
JD

Hi JD,

I finally went to sleep at 5:30am Tu morn & got outta bed @ 7:30PM that evening. I've only been up for 6hrs! But gotta get my sleep back on track. SO far been keeping up w/my studies. I was going to stay up later & get more online discussion work done...

It will be raining & cloudy til Sun which sucks...i just want to have BALANCE & still be able to do EVERYTHING the absolute best I can ~ Not very realistic. SO my new plan is to set aside specific amounts of time for each item....we'll see how it goes!

My life would've been like yours was when you were in grad school IF I had not gone so manic...Probably STILL be married w/kids or adopted kids. I was making to much $ w/construction to stop & do ALL that student teaching w/out getting paid! Last week a woman intern sat in on what was only my 2nd session; we talked about cohabitation & marriage b/c my ex & I lived together for almost 10yrs before tying the knot - divorce rates go up for couples that live together longer before marriage IT came up b/c in my 2nd to last visit w/my previous therapist she asked me to list the 5 most important things in life. And I left out relationship! DUH! To get my MA In Ed all i had left to do was my dissertation & the student teachings.

I'm so happy that you're getting through a depression. Seems like its always just right there. Its hard to tell when I'm a little depressed ~ til it gets worse OR it goes away! I'm just starting to learn some of the signs LIKE I won't brush my teeth for a couple days & other self care things & another IS when I just don't FEEL like doing anything & I find NOTHING to be of any interest. I have to MAKE myself do the things I'm supposed to & things I usually want to.

HOPE you have a better week than last. Good Night. Should say good morning ,

-lcb-

Hi JD,

I hope you're having a great weekend. I went to a triple A baseball game & later today gonna see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie & that's ALL the fun I can afford to have right now b/c I really have to stay on track Good News I'm going to meet w/the Clinical Director & my Super on Mo 5/23 to beg for my intern spot back! Wish me luck.

May you have the best day possible today. Lately I've had the kind of days where I need to hit the "restart button" several times. I HAVE been eating healthy & exercising b/c I finally joined the local rec center - I tread water, sit in the sauna, hot tub & have yet try the steam room I have been lifting weights too BUT I get a little bored on the elliptical SO just have to remember to bring my goggles to swim laps.

I'm going to be really busy SO I WILL be somewhat sporadic for I don't know how long...til I get used to it I guess! I feel like I'm already behind when we've barely even started.

Good Morning to you & yours ~ Remember throughout your day that there's NO CHARGE for being AWESOME!

-kby-

Hi kby,

According to your last post, today is the day you find out if you get your intern spot back. Did you? I hope it went well!

I think it is a good idea to set aside specific amounts of time for each thing you need to get done. Maybe you can even set a specific time (like, from 3-4 pm you'll work on stuff from class "x").

I'm planning on going to the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, too. PLEASE DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT IT THOUGH!! :-) I'm getting the first 3 DVDs from the library so I can watch them before going to the new one. I always tend to forget what happened in previous movies. I blame the meds. I forget important things that happen even in TV shows I watch from week to week, too. I'll forget character's names, main parts of the plot (like in NCIS when Director Vance was - still is? - injured from something that happened, but I don't remember what). It's quite sad; I'm only 31! What's it going to be like when I'm older?!

I've been eating healthy recently, too. Exercise has gone out the window though. Since it started getting warm outside, I had been walking, running, sprinting, or some combination. With the rain/drizzle/cooler weather, I've only been out once last week and twice the week before that. I still have the elliptical, but I honestly forget all about it. During the winter, I had a sticky note on the bathroom mirror, but took it off when it got warmer. Maybe I should put it back on. The trick with an elliptical is to watch TV while you're on it. I plan my workout time according to specific shows I want to watch, so it doesn't get boring.

Got to go eat lunch, then heading to work. I should be out early today b/c their mom is coming back from PA and will be home sooner than usual. I'm hoping by 4, but we'll see.

Have a great day!

~JD

P.S. - I like how you said there's no charge for being awesome. :-)

Hi JD,

Good to hear from you. Good news I got accepted back! The interview was intense. Luckily I got to talk 1st w/Bev the Clinical Director. She knows the right questions to ask, like: "What are you dong to take care of yourself?". Then had a sit-down w/Joe my Site Supervisor & head of mens programming. I rode my bicycle all the way over there & on the way back - it started raining right when I was able to leave of course - I got totally soaked!

I hope the weather clears up for you out there so you can get some exercise soon! I'd forgotten how much it really helps til I started doing it again...so I'm determined to go 5days a week @ least for anyways. Even if I just sit in the hot tub, sauna or steam room to relax. I can also swim laps. I tread water for 10+ minutes & man was I tired the next day. I over did it b/c I don't now moderation or balance. Started Th & was there for 4hours & the Fri was there for 3.5hrs ~ I'm still very sore!

Anyway I have s*#loads of coursework to do from now on. Everything seems to take me twice as long BUT I'm not going to let that stop me. I have to figure out how many hours to commit to interning - it has to be at least 10hrs a week. My Super has a whole bunch of work for me to do that's not necessarily related to the course. Well I must learn to manage my time more efficiently & definitely get on an earlier go to sleep/wake up cycle. Like now its 1:15AM!

Remember to plan to have fun & that there's no charge for awesomeness!

Oh yeah, the movie was OK definitely worth watching ~ Have a great week too!

-kby-

Hi kby,

Congrats on getting accepted back! That's awesome! (BTW...it's better that it started raining on the way out instead of the way there. At least you weren't dripping on their chairs. Not sure how that would have gone over.) :-)

Today is my early day at work, out at 4. I was psyched to be able to go for a walk, but the sky looks like it could rain at any time and thunderstorms are predicted. I looked on TV for the radar and it should be ok for the next hour or so, but it's one of those "thunderstorms can pop up at any moment" kind of days. I did get to go outside w/the girls, though. We all went to the park until the middle one started whining about it being too hot. So, I got to spend some time outside at least. The next 7 days look good, so I'm optimistic.

Time for dinner and then off to therapy. Changed my appt. from right after group to Tues. evening. It works out well b/c I have some time in between getting out of work and going to therapy on Tues. On Wed., I have time between group and going to work. Decompressing time helps a lot.

~JD

Hi JD,

I been working out w/weights, swimming & the elliptical. Probably not as fun as being able to run outside BUT its been a big improvement in my mood. I mostly sit in the sauna, hot tub & swim if you were to add up my time there. I've been sticking to about 2,000 calories a day as well. When I was working building houses I was very physically active (UNLIKE now) & my meals were like 1200 to 2000 each! So I'm pretty darn hungry! Its only been a week & I DID go over once or twice. Progress not perfection is my new motto...

Once I start doing something & finally get engaged I tend to go just a little overboard. I wonder if you saw the thread on here about DBT under the success/victories category? I've been up all night breaking my streak of going to sleep around 12am...I was trying to get as much work done online as I could BUT it shuts down every Sun from 2am to 10am SO I barely finished one thing before it closed & THAT really revved me up to the point of no sleeping. Three more hours....

Almost nothing is open on Sundays here b/c everyone goes to the Latter Day Saints (LDS) Church. I've made plans to go see "The Hangover Pt 2" @ 1pm & most likely my couple friends & I will be the only ones there. I should try to get a couple hours sleep though. I have a S*#T ton of work to do I'm getting anxious & freaked out. NOT just schoolwork BUT mostly related to it. I have to make a plan (objectives & goals) for what I need to accomplish @ Cirque for my internship & it has to be very detailed w/a timeline of 3months, Wed's & Fri's, which is a bit longer than the class. I'm going to love interning though I know it. If something happens & I get way behind again I definitely won't be taking time off of interning THIS time no matter what! I heard that a cast member of the old sitcom "FRIENDS" is there maybe at the Lodge b/c I intern at the Studio...I feel bad for some of the actors, there lives are so public when most of them aren't any different than you or I.

I was wondering why I make the things I like to do & enjoy the most such a struggle. It may be a self esteem thing; like I don't deserve to enjoy life. Don't know when it started b/c ALL my older relatives say I was the happiest little boy alive. Where I was born in Athens, Greece people passing by would stop when my nanny was walking me b/c I was laughing & smiling all the time apparently. I don't remember. I do remember my Greek nanny calling me Christaki-mu (sp?) though.

Anyway I'm just blabbing away tonight - this morning I should say!

It sounds like you are doing very well these days. One thing I envy about you is that you are able to maintain some sort of BALANCE in your life despite whatever it is that you're going through ~ it gives me hope! I have three sisters & my little brother is adopted. He was the only black kid in the entire neighborhood when we lived in Bellevue, Wash., which is a big reason we moved to Berkeley, Ca. at the beginning of the '70's b/c of the integrated school system & my dad had a job offer from Kaiser one of the first HMO's & my mom at Berkeley Pediatrics. How many girls are in your charge?

I have to stop writing I already wrote a novella under cyclothymia! So I hope your weekend is going well. Of course it will be raining here all day. The sun has come out for only two days this whole year w/a half day here & there & thats about it I swear. Killing me. Two hours now...have a great day!

Don't forget about AWESOMENESS ~ You won't get charged, its totally FREE!

-kby-

Hi kby.

Wow I have a lot to respond to in your last post! Keep up the good work w/the exercise and your new "eating habits." One of the people in my DBT group said the same phrase "progress not perfection." I think it's a good one! Thank you for the heads-up on the DBT post. I haven't really been following the other forum "categories" as much b/c I find that if I respond to more than 2-3 I end up losing track of what the threads are about.

When I was taking an online class, they shut it down at a specific time, too. Something about work being due at a specific day and time and not being able to finish something late without talking to the prof. about it. It was always such a pain in the @$$ when I was trying to get ahead.

How was The Hangover? I've seen the 1st one, but might wait until it's out on Redbox or on HBO. I hate paying $11 for movies and usually wait until comedies are available outside the theater.

It's really cool that you were born in Athens. My grandparents on my mom's side of the family both immigrated here from Greece. How old were you when you came to the US? Do you still speak any Greek? Unfortunately, my mom didn't teach us Greek b/c she wanted to be able to talk to the adults w/out us knowing what she was talking about. I'm still upset about that, although my mom and my aunt are the only ones I know that speak it now.

I take care of three girls - 7, 10, & 12. I'll find out next week when I'll be needed over the summer. I told them I couldn't do Wednesdays b/c that's the day of my DBT group plus I wanted a little breather if they needed me full time the rest of the week. That would be 10 hrs./day. Didn't tell them why I needed Wed. off though.

Don't worry about writing a lot. I do the same thing most of the time. Hope you are having a good weekend.

~JD

Hi JD,

I was happy to see you found the DBT thread. 10hrs a day...might as well have your OWN kids! I didn't go see the Hangover II, I finally fell asleep right when my online courses opened up - so self defeating I am sometimes.

I had a long day interning b/c I only slept 2.5hrs b/c of school stuff, but I was so happy to be back b/c everything makes more sense when I can see why I'm doing it! I'm beginning to get that overwhelmed feeling of impending doom on the horizon: One Prof found 4 Lessons he forgot & another course I'm supposed to take suddenly opened up ~ HOLY S*#T!!! I still have to make up a 5pg term paper & ALL of the journal entries from last semester in my intern class.

SO that's going to be my story for the next 2-3 months. SO much for fun right when we are about to have 100degree temps. I occasionally get to talk to famous actors while interning though. I gotta keep a + attitude & take little baby steps w/my schoolwork LOAD. I've decided to call it showing up for a little (or a lot) while everyday.

It Doesn't Cost Anything To Be AWESOME!

-kby-

-kby-

Yes, 10 hrs. a day is a lot, but it's always nice to know I can leave and not have to deal w/them for the rest of the day. I don't intend to sound like I'm just there to "deal with" them. I do enjoy spending time with them; they are generally good kids, but like all kids, can be a lot to handle at times and it's good to be able to "give them back" at the end of the day. It will give me a chance to make more money over the summer which will be helpful for our budget. I feel like such a slacker by currently working only 20 hrs. a week.

I went to a cookout yesterday. They've gone from evening parties to afternoon parties b/c so many people have kids now. Their kids are fun and enjoyable to be around until they start crying and whining. I'm really anxious about it b/c I used to want 3 kids, then reduced to 2, now I don't know if I want any. I worry about it b/c I told my husband before we got married that I wanted kids and we agreed to have 1 or 2, but now I feel pressure (unspoken except for once my husband asked when I thought we'd have them). Plus, he's an only child, so if we don't have kids then his parents will never have grandchildren. That is definitely NOT a reason to have them, but I'd still feel guilty if we don't. I've personally thought about maybe adopting, so I didn't have to go through the whole being pregnant thing and having to stop meds and worrying about post-partum depression and all that "stuff" (probably a bit too much detail for a guy - sorry!!!), but haven't told anyone about that. Even then, I'm not sure I want one. MAYBE I'd consider being a foster parent, but with my psych issues, I don't even know if they'd consider us; same with adoption too, I guess.

I'm glad you are seeing how useful your internship is. I always found that I learn better by doing. A lot of "science-y" stuff was difficult to understand until the once-a-week 3 hr. lab. A lot of our classes were lectures and I had given up on trying to read all of the material for every class b/c it was too much. Then I found it hard to focus in class and take notes b/c I'd be taking notes while trying not to miss anything important and then forget what it was that I wanted to write down.

You mentioned in one of your recent posts that you've been working out w/weights, swimming, and the elliptical. How is that going? And the eating healthy? After I finish catching up on computer stuff, I plan to get ready for a walk, wait for the sunscreen to "seep in" while reading a book on the porch, and then head out. Nasty storms on Wednesday! There were actually a few tornadoes in the western part of the state that caused a decent amount of destruction in those areas. The students I had last year were on a field trip and actually saw the tornado a few miles ahead of them. Scary!

I hope you have been able to enjoy the weekend. Have a great week!

~JD

Hi JD,

I saw the tornado stuff on the news; isn't that strange in your parts? I've never heard of them in Mass. Also, you must remember that I have 3sisters + 2stepsisters & we all grew up together. Probably the reason why I have 20 nieces & nephews! My adopted brother has 2 as does my stepbrother & even my gay stepsister has 2 from the turkey baster method...I learned a lot from that. Did you know that when you thaw out sperm the female ones live longer BUT the males swim faster & more erratically?!

Having a kid is a HUGE decision. My natural sisters each have had at least one of theirs after 30yrs of age. My youngest didn't even start til 34 & now has three - I think she was 39 when she had Nicolas. Her hubby wanted a boy. My X decided she didn't want to when she was 26 or 7. Doubt that she has one now that she's 40+ & I wonder if she regrets it. I'm gonna be 45 next year & getting to be pretty doubtful myself.

I saw "X-men 1st class" & loved it since I have the comic books BUT no gym is open here on Suns, hardly anything at all is including the mall. Anyway I'm already way behind in school as far as I'm concerned. Partly b/c I started interning again... My therapist & I divided out what I do in blocks of hours per day & added them up to see if it was reasonable ~ came out to 155 when there's 168 in a week. So it is possible IF I don't delay or procrastinate SO I'd better get going I'm going to be extremely busy from now til end of Sept. The weather just became super nice upper 80's lower 90's & I'm going to be inside like 24/7 except for AA/CA meetings & my allotted 1.5 hours for the gym.

Anyway I hope you have a great week & re: Being awesome is totally free of charge!

-kby-

I can relate about feeling stable. I'm afraid that I'll wake up either being depressed beyond all reality , or being manic beyond belief.

I had an episode about 10 days ago where I was so depressed I was planning doing something drastic. I got help.

I know myself, I feel a lot better when the sun's out and no rain in sight.

Hi Linda, I know exactly what you mean. I first started this post almost a year ago. Since then, I've been up, I've been down, and I've been "normal". I've (well my pdoc) also increased my dose of Seroquel and started Lamictal since then. I feel like my moods should be more stable all the time after taking meds for so long, but I've come to realize (unfortunately) that it isn't so. It kinda makes me wonder why I take the doses I'm on. I know I need the meds b/c I remember how I was so sucked into my depression that I couldn't even think straight. In therapy, I couldn't keep my thoughts organized and often forgot what I was saying or going to say as I was saying it. My thoughts are MUCH clearer now. I wish I (and the doctors) could understand why taking a higher dose is better. It bothers me that one side effect of many of these meds is forgetting things. It creeps me out to think that the meds could be rewiring my brain in such a way so that I forget things more often than I think I should. I'm only 31! Ironically, I can't remember if I had memory issues before taking meds. I'm not sure if I intend that comment to be funny or not.

The past few weeks have been good. Like you said, I also had an episode about 3-4 weeks ago that was REALLY bad. It was really hard to tell my pdoc that I would be ok b/c I always keep my word and that is probably the only reason I was sitting in her office today, and I told her so. Anyway, I agree that things are generally better when the sun is out and the temps. are warm. :-)

kby, Tornadoes are definitely unusual here! It was very strange watching the news and seeing damage similar to damage in the central part of the country. It wasn't as widespread through the towns as through those in other states, but it was shocking none-the-less. I never realized how it seems that a lot of places in other states are closed on Sundays. We went to visit family in South Carolina and it's similar to where you are. I hope your school work is progressing as you would like. It sounds like you are working toward budgeting your time well. :-)

Hi JD,

I'm so super slammed at the moment its ridiculous. I stayed up ALL weekend & GOT a little manic. So the past couple days I've been sleeping & really tired IT ends up not being worth it to pull the all-nighters these days. I just have to learn to do some hours everyday.

I finally broke down & had a Ben & Jerry's relapse tonight on a pint of "Phish Food"! I had been doing so good. Also haven't been to the gym since last Tues b/c of how much I have to do.

Well, I gotta get up in 4hours so I'll catch up w/you more later. I hope you're doing well & enjoying your Summer. Are you doing anything fun w/the girls?

Hi. Hope you are having a good week. In my DBT group, we've been doing a lot w/emotion regulation recently. We've done some stuff on problem solving to change emotions, opposite-to-emotion action, and are now working on a pleasant events diary. I've decided to take some of the worksheets and fill them in out-of-class for different issues in order to go over them with my therapist. Some of the "check the facts" stuff still doesn't really make sense, but I'm hoping w/different examples, it will be more clear.

Right now, I'm going through the tedious task of deleting and reloading CDs onto my mp3 player. Apparently at some point in time when I was charging it (needs to be done on the computer), most of the CDs were added again. So I have 2 copies of most of the CDs, but when I go to the delete screen, it shows up as only 1 copy. Very asinine and takes longer than you'd think.

The girls get out of school next Thursday, so we've just been doing some things around the neighborhood - play dates, park, roller blades/scooter/bike, etc. I'll have them different days scattered throughout the summer & plan on doing a few different things - beach, hike, pool, movie, daytime pajama party, etc. Can't believe school ends next week. It seems like it went by so fast; although the snow and crappy weather seems like forever ago. Glad I'm not teaching. I have a feeling that this year would have gone by SUPER SLOWLY!

Hi JD,

I'm sooo tired & I'll be up pulling some all-nighters!! For a while too...interning is going very well. That's all that's going w/me. I did wean myself off Wellbutrin & will see my p-doc next Fri. We'll see how that goes.

My life is going to be really boring this Summer. Hope you're having a better one!

Hi again...I'm having difficulty sitting down, concentrating & doing my schoolwork. I stayed up late last night but watched movies instead! I don't know why I do this to myself - I only slept 2.5hrs & less than 5 the night before. Took my Seroquel & it didn't do anything! So I took another one & STILL couldn't fall asleep til 9:30+ in the morning & one of my roommates woke me up from sleeping on the back porch @ 11ish b/c I had said I was going to the noon AA mtg w/him.

SO here I am after 5pm Sat & have yet to study this weekend. FEAR of failure? Like what will happen if I were to actually do everything the way I plan (relatively impossible) & I'm still NOT happy? I think that's what I'm really afraid of...The point is I inevitably set myself up somehow to not have enough time + w/ADHD I need more anyway. I'm considering going to the gym before it closes at 7pm - its 5:15 now & its closed all day tomorrow.

Education online closes from 2-10am. Don't know what I'm afraid of doesn't matter I have to stop procrastinating. I was just thinking of acronyms for FEAR ~ F Everything And Run; False Evidence Appearing Real; Face Everything Actually Real, etc. WELL its 5:45pm NOW! I got sidetracked taking care of something else (sober house manager stuff) for a minute...eerrrrr...lack of sleep doesn't help my decision making much either. Funny how my body doesn't FEEL tired.

Once again have an excellent weekend & do you remember the greatest thing about awesomeness? Its free of charge!

-kby-