Irriated Beyond Insanity

So it seems...

I mean...

So far I had a great day today...Woke up at 3.30 in the afternoon, after having going to bed at 5.30 in the morning(that's my time frame to get some sleep)...But I call up my mom(she's been late to call me to say goodnight), and then she starts going on and on about this and that, and whatever else she can say to try and trigger me to go off(whatever, it didn't work). My mood was great up until the point that she brought up Saturday and something about me "needing to be up at 4 in the morning". I Told her that SHE needed to be up at 4 in the morning and that I would already be up at 4 in the morning. She said that didn't make any sense, and I told her(with a very calm, but very frustrated and irritated manner) that I didn't need to worry about "waking up at 4, when I'd already be up at 4 in the morning". Then she started b****ing at me about this and that and how I wouldn't enjoy myself that day if I was asleep. I told her I wouldn't be asleep the whole day! I told her I wouldn't even be asleep! We are going up to Cheyenne Saturday on the train, and going to be spending the day up there. I had wanted to go before we found out we won the raffle, but slowly and gradually that went down to not wanting to go. If it involves anything to do with her driving us(me, her and her roommate) down to Denver just to get on the train to go up there, forget it. She drives like a maniac, and is ALWAYS trying to get us into an accident. We are almost always in her roommate's Escape. Her roommate voiced this concern to me yesterday, because of something recent that just happened. They told me that after they dropped me off at my house, they got back to her house, and as they were pulling into the driveway, she ran right over the mailbox. Clean over it. To make things worse, the car's bumper got raised a couple of inches. I personally think that she enjoys getting into car wrecks. The thrill of crashing and then experiencing the airbags deploying, then the pain of the airbag bruises and injuries afterwards. That's what I think it is with my mom. She's been in a major car wreck when I was a teenager, and I am actually pretty damn surprised that she came out of it alive. When she told me how it happened, she pretty much explained to me that it was either take on the heavy traffic or take on the concrete wall. So she chose the wall. Come on now, the traffic would have made more f***ing sense! Less f****ing damage to the car-yea the airbags would have deployed, but come on now, she's used to road rage, so why not? I'm not saying that I am in danger of others right now or that I am homicidal at this point or was back then, but I was seriously hoping on the day that she had the accident(I was at home playing video games), that she wouldn't live through it(she was mean to me back then, too). That's just my thoughts on what happened back then. But no. Now, everytime we're all in the Escape, or even in her car, me and her roommate fear for our lives, because of her reckless driving. Her roommate and my dad drive A LOT better than she does. If I had my license, I'd be damn near up there, too with my driving. I'm just freaking out because the morning commute down to Denver every morning is a b****. Traffic can get pretty testy, even on the weekend. Some people still work on the weekend(one of my best guy friends does-he and I both agree that his boss needs to lay off the weekend hours for once). Now, as for riding on a train, I don't mind riding one. I have ALWAYS wanted to ride on one-whether it was long distance behind a diesel or a steamer. I wouldn't mind being on an electric train in a huge city such as Denver. I have been on mag trains before(I guess it's a mag train, as it's actually one of those trains that gets u from terminal to terminal in the airport). Those are boring. Now if they were out in the open mag trains, that would be sweet! I love trains. But no my main concern is me and my mom's safety when getting down to Denver Saturday. I'm seriously thinking about looking up Poudre Valley Behavioral Health hospil's number and seeing if they can come and do a pick-up from my house sometime late Friday night. I'm needing it(I am sure y'all agree there, and if u do, y'all can give me hints on why I should admit at this time versus waiting another week to do so).

I just woke up from a nap around close to 11. My imaginary friend told me that I was talking in my sleep again. Should I be concerned? He told me that I was saying something like "she's my service animal", or something like that. He said I was repetitively saying that about 3 to 5 times, at least. But no reports from him that I had quit breathing and was snoring, so I guess that's a good thing?

Here's the chart data.

Yup I guess my talking about my problems on here now is unacceptable. Again it has become my bullsh*t.

Sorry I'm just in a really bad state of mind today. I got up just fine, and everything, but then my mom called and I got angry once again(not blaming her for anything), so I have been in a foul mood since.

I know I am probably going mental, I know I am probably being irrational up to this point. But if no one wants to talk with me about my problems, I understand that it's not all about me. I also know that sometimes my posts could probably trigger other people and I apologize. Maybe I should just go away. Far away. I dunno.

Anime
I never think that what u say is unacceptable. I was just coming on to see things and noticed you had made a post. Please don't get upset.

I saw in your post you were concerned about driving with your mom on your trip. If you aren't comfortable and you feel like it will just be a bad day around then don't go. Call your mom and tell her you are feeling bad and can't go.

Do you have a therapist I'm sorry if I've asked before I've got a horrible memory, tell them about what your imaginary friend says. Tho, if you are concerned then maybe at least try to call the docs office.

Blue

Yea but another thing is, is that if I say I am not doing good, she will then go off on me and trigger an episode. She will scream obscenities like "ur just doing this to f*** up everything for everyone", and "get the f*** over it". Then I will NOT hold back. I have a good f'ing pair of lungs, when it comes to having my episodes. I was sooo good at dealing with these kinds of sitiations(learned them from a school for kids with mainly anger/mental issues, called CEP, also known as the Collaborative Education Program-they had levels that u had to complete before u "graduate" and transfer into a normal school setting). Now I've gone back into my old sh*t, with the episodes. The very same episodes that ended up getting me kicked out of 6th grade regular school, and had me into the school for kids with mental and anger issues at the start of 7th grade(that one was the Littler Center, it was mainly for mentally ill children from elementary age til they were 13 years old). Except for the hole-in-the-wall-kicking. I don't do that anymore, because I know I can get in HUGE trouble for it, and possibly sectioned in a security room either down in Pueblo(state hospil) or the hospil of my choice. So that's a nono for me. I haven't kicked a hole in the wall since I was a youth(although my mom has claims-that were ended up all false-that I had done some hole kicking when I was a grown up). Now back onto what I was saying, I feel like I'm just going crazy. Just crazy. Going mental. Completely mental. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I don't have a therapist. I was trying to get into seeing one again last December, but I forgot to make that first appt that would make me get off the "prn" therapy visits(they'd just be for brief talk with one of the on-call therapists, since I am still clearly "prn"). So now I have to go back to ARP(the old North Range building, but still part of North Range-it's just the place for the grown ups to go to get therapy; the kids and youth go to the main building for therapy-I go to the main centre for the pharmacy and my monthly visits with my shrink), and see if I can talk to the "prn" case manager, to see about giving it a go and trying again with getting into therapy. I just hope it ain't too late to get one.

I have to go to the main building today to sign a treatment plan thing, so I can continue to see my shrink. I got the call like the other day, saying I had to go in and sign the treatment plan, in order to continue seeing her, or I'd have to switch again. I don't want to switch, because she and I have a trusting shrink/client relationship. I also have to go up to Sunrise today(since I'll be out and about), and give them sh*t about my results not being received by my shrink, and then I will give them her fax#. I will also try and get in to see my regular doctor, to go through some physical health tests for physical health stuff that I think I might have(I have been worried for some time now, since I found out that I have been gaining weight that I might have Diabetes; so I am going to check on that, it's been since last year since I got all that checked anyhoo, so it's probably best I do that and get 'er done).

Movie tonight, so that will be good. I know where the park is now. It's the park that's dedicated to a little girl who died from e-coli poisoning back at least a decade or so ago(I was still a youth) from drinking a juice drink called Odwalla(it was popular back then and only a few illness cases in kids were becoming known for e-coli, but no deaths until hers; then they started testing it for e-coli and people had been avoiding it for awhile after hearing about her dying from it). But that's a good park to go to for a movie night. I'm not too worried about weather, because it's s'pposed to be nice.

Sorry, I have just been being blah and didn't post. I don't know why but I get obsessive about the news at times and have been quite upset about that.

Sometimes it seems we have to bite our tongues and be quiet just to keep the peace with our moms.

Good luck today. Just take a deep breathe and stay calm and do what you have to do. Maybe you can treat yourself to something when you are done.

I don't currently have a therapist either. I know that is going to be an issue with my pdoc. I have to find someone but it is a bit overwhelming. I just decided that while I like my old therapist, she really wasn't helping me. If it isn't helping, why should I go (just to say I am in therapy ya know)?

Take care!

I think you need a therapist. Most people do. I hope you can get your own instead of a prn one. I've had mine forever. I always walk away feeling like I can conquer the world! She's good. But then my mood slips etc. I do try using my coping skills first but when I'm having an episode I can barely think. I taped up my safety plan in my bedroom so I could easily read it and didn't have to look for it when I needed it. This helps some.

Right now I only have 1 support person. That's scarey to me because its so easy to get overwhelmed helping someone with bipolar and many other diagnosis.

Can you tell your mom you don't feel safe with her driving? Or would her answer trigger you? If its the others gals car why isn't she driving it?

Yes, keep your pdoc. That is so important so they really know your cycles, the meds you've been on, and your diagnosis as well as your personality. Those are all things its important for a therapist to know too. That's why you need the same one every time.

I hope you can work this out with your mom!!

Elie, good idea about the safety plan. I know it is hard in the heat of the moment to be rational sometimes. That has been me lately. I don't think I have a support person really.
I decided I am going back to my current therapist. Waiting to get an app't I do like her and she is easy to talk to. I want to try to continue because the idea of starting new with someone else seems overwhelming and I have trust issues as it is.

Anime, I also wondered if there was anyone else that could do the driving. My hubby is an aggressive driver and it does scare me sometimes. He knows I feel that way sometimes because I will make little "jokes" about it or comment on other drivers as an example.

Let us know how you made out today.

I should have been straight forward about my mom's roommate from the get-go. My mom's roommate is a guy(he's like 70, and he and I are close friends-funny how I like hanging out with the elderly crowd more than my age-appropriate crowd). He is a great driver, in my opinion. He used to be a truck driver(he's retired now and lives off social security, so yea).

I have told my mom in the past that her driving stinks, and that she needs to learn to drive better or let her roommate drive. She told me that his driving is the worst than anyone's. I then told her bullsh*t. I told her that hers was the worst ever. When me and her roommate are hanging out and having coffee, this subject always comes up, her driving. We both agree that her driving just down right sucks, and that one day, she is bound to kill us both! I told her just today that if we're taking the escape, then she needs to let her roommate drive because it's his vehicle. Boy did she get angry over that one.

We had gone to a restaurant today, and she drank $12 worth of margaritas(she had 3 of them, had she had anymore I would have had one of our gal pals(we met up with our friends-really her friends, but they're my friends too because they think I'm one of the "cool" ones) take her home(I dunno what I would have done with her Honda, couldn't have left it there and I can't drive without a licence, but if cops pulled me over I wouldn't get in trouble for driving it to her house, would I? just because I was helping her out and she was intoxicated?). I only had one beer, and I wasn't even feeling it. One. One beer. I know my limits with booze, and one was enough for me today, although I could've easily gotten plastered. She drinks and then after she drinks, when she's ready to go home, she drives. This is dangerous. And illegal(right?). Her driving worsens with the effects of booze. Trust me I'm smart enough to not get into a vehicle with someone who has been intoxicated with that much booze in their system. If I have one drink while they have 3, then I will be fine. My mom needs to just drink one margarita and be done with it.

On our way there, my mom was talking to me about the cable bill(and I was talking with her about it, because I know about some of the stuff with the cable packages from the cable company). Since I knew more about it than she does, she thinks it's totally okay to start going off and screaming at me and blaming me for "not thinking before I speak", and other things of the sort. Well, excuse me, but I DO think before I speak. I taught myself how do this as a teen, and now as a grown up, I am pretty damn good at it. I told her flat out that I do think before I speak and then she got cocky and started screaming at me some more. Then again I felt uber triggered by it and went and went into another episode. Ugh. That's the second time this week(almost second, sorry, Sunday's wasn't one really it was half one, so one and a half) I have had one.

I went to the main building to get my treatment plan. No sooner I got there, I was told that I had to go to the ARP(Adult Recovery Program) building(it's where grown ups like us with mental illness go for therapy and their case management), because they didn't have the file over in their building. So I went back out into the heat and humidity(boy was it hot), and spent 11 minutes waiting for the bus. Then I rode it up to the mall and back down to the location and got off. I went up there, told them what I was there for, gave them my info(name, DOB, etc) not once, but TWICE because they didn't have me in their system by bday like they were s'pposed to. Once they got that up, they asked me to confirm(AGAIN!!!!!!) what I was there for. Then they finally went through the files and then told me while they were looking that the prn person that looks after my case management was out for today(even though the person on the phone the other day told me she'd be in today) (GRRRRR!!!!). She didn't find my stuff, so of course they had to call up another of the prn case managers to see if they could help me with it. Nope, it has to be the one I'm assigned to. So I said what do I do now? The chicks behind the desk told me to come back Monday before 4PM(cuz the case manager is there 'til then), and schedule an appt with her. I said okay, and left(after telling them I would be in after I get done with Sunrise). So that was a total bust. I was so angry I decided to skip the next bus and get me a Faygo. No such luck there. I don't think they sell it anymore at that particular Everyday store. Seriously, now. They used to. So that was also a bust.

At this point, I went to the bus stop, and called my mom(to let her know how it went because I had told her I had to do this today). I told her about it, and she was miffed too(she was hoping I would get it done and not have to worry about it anymore). She then asked what time would be good for her to pick me up for supper, and we agreed on 4.20, since it would take me a bit to get back to the mall to transfer to my bus and she and I both knew I'd ride the bus around at least once before getting off at my stop.

I got home and had to really use the box, so I did. Right around the time I got in there and sat down, my mom calls and says she'd be at my house to pick me up in a few minutes. So I finish up very quickly, and get ready to go.

We were going to go to the movie tonight in the park, but my mom was tired(well duh!!!! she did drink 3 margaritas at suppertime!!!). So she brought me home after I had got done washing my pants and tops for tomorrow.

This afternoon when I left to go to the bus stop, it didn't take me long to get out there. I was planning on hitting up the Dollar Tree for snacks for later, but when I checked my purse when grabbing out my bus pass, my food stamps wasn't there. I immediately freaked out, thinking I had lost it or some. My rational thought was, maybe I just left it in the cup back at my house and just didn't remember to put it back into my purse where it belonged. I got home, and sure enough, there it was in the cup. I quickly put my food stamps in my purse. That was a relief. That saves me another trip that didn't need to be made.

So that's how my day went, in a nutshell.

Here's the chart data.

Sorry the day didn't go better. Sounds like you made the best of it though. Hope you have a good weekend. Any plans?

My anxiety is up. I think it is because of my app't on Monday. I have quite a list to bring with me.

Take care and be good to yourself.

Yesterday was the train. Fun day. Didn't sleep yesterday morning-had to be awake to be picked up.

So I charged up my Kindle and everything(well 52% for the Kindle). Charged up my phone and iPod, as well. Took a shower after purchasing 3 books onto my Kindle(had a gift card from my bday).

My mom picked me up at 3.50ish. Guess what happened as we were heading out of her town of Evans? We get pulled over by a cop(whom we later found out that he was just monitoring people for drunk behaviour on the road, not speeders). But they let her off with a warning...for doing 43MPH on a 30MPH road!!! WTF?! But anyhoos...It didn't take long for her roommate to explain to the cop that it was his car and give off the registration, and it didn't take long to take care of everything. We were on the road in no time. We stopped in Brighton at a McDonald's for a breakfast sandwich and a drink to tide us over until the train. We got there and we had to wait until 6 to board the buses that would take us to the train(we could have easily boarded at Union Station, but right now they're under renovation, so we had to take buses to get over to the rail yard to board the train). Once we got on the train, I ate breakfast, and then afterwards went to the restroom and then I was good for an hour and a half. Then I made the mistake of having my mom take a bathroom break, because she had to end up going back into the bathroom to use it after we were about to head back to our seats. They had breakfast waiting for us when we got on, so I took that to my advantage and ate. They served water and sodey and yogurt on the way there.

It was nice weather in Cheyenne yesterday(as was forecasted yesterday early morning by The Weather Channel). We immediately had dinner in the huge tent. I got to shake hands with the governor and also have lunch with him too(he was there, on the train and also at dinner). That was a first for me, and at first I was a little unsure about shaking hands with him, but then after my mom told me to shake hands I was like okay. But dinner was great. I loved the baked beans and really loved the brisket(I had 2 plates!!!). Then we went to watch a rodeo, and that was fun. I even ate some popcorn, too. Then my mom got sick of the rodeo(it was hittin' around 3 anyways, so we figured let's get the show on the road and explore some or get a substantial treat that would last us until supper on the train-actually her roommate and I ended up sharing some nachos, and mom ended up having a bite). We got back to where we had been let off, for the rodeo, and then my mom started a fight with BOTH me and her roommate. All over the transportation and where we were let off for the rodeo, so we could get back in time to catch the buses too the train. So after she left us in the dust, we were left angry and wanting to figure out between the two of us how it was going to pay off to get back. So we talked it over about her getting all angry and such and starting the fight with us, and then we headed over in the right direction of the transportation to get back. He was unsure at first, but when the people that were already on it(it was a tractor-like ride) told us that we'd be fine if we stayed on, because it DID, in fact, take us there directly. So we stayed on and made it back and got on the bus that took us back to the train. Then we had to wait until 4.30(it was already like 4ish when we got back to the train depot), to board the train. My mom wanted to take a picture of me in front of our train car. I didn't want to, I was so overheated and so exhausted beyond belief once we were on our way to boarding. I didn't want to stop and get a picture, I just wanted to get on the bus and use the restroom(I really had to go at that point). She ended up taking the picture anyway.

So we boarded the train. I took a bottle of water and went to my seat and put my stuff down. I raced off to the restroom and did business and went back to my seat. I sat down after picking up my supper. I put my supper on the floor(I was too dehydrated and hot to eat at that point), and asked the staff for help to get the leg rest on the reclining part of the seat, pulled up, and then I reclined back a bit and drank lots of pop and water and then fell asleep. My mom kept hitting me every 15 minutes(she claimed I was snoring, but I wasn't). Once I woke up I had to go to the bathroom again, so I did. Then I came back to my seat and still wasn't hungry. So I just drank some water, and then I finally felt like using both of those free alcoholic beverage cards, so I downed one red wine and one after that one. I then just waited a bit, and then I finally was hungry, so I ate my Doritos, and I still have my dessert from yesterday's supper(so I will eat that later).

Once we got back to the car and got on the road to get me home, my mom told me that my "snoring" on the train was gross. What the hell?! Snoring is NOT gross! It's normal and it happens to a lot of people! I told my best guy friend about that later on before I fell asleep, and he said the same damn thing! Yea...When I got home I crashed immediately. I threw everything down, did my business in the box and went to bed. I was planning to get up at 2 so I can be up at least a little while for my Anime show, but come on now, I ended up oversleeping my alarm, so I slept all night.

I woke up this afternoon, first taking my temperature(I was feeling like a million degrees), and it was low instead of high, so I waited a few, and then drank some more water and slowly got out of bed. Once out of bed and my hair was up and my glasses were on, I took another restroom stop. Then here I am now after putting my Kindle on charge.

I woke up and everything just hurt. I mean...It felt like everything got crushed while I was asleep, and my arms were hurting and my shoulders were hurting, my legs and back were hurting, and I had a HUGE headache. So right now I'm just focused on getting rid of the headache, before doing anything else(like taking my morning pills, for example). I will eat in a bit, and stuff like that. I have been drinking Gatorade, and some water. My head feels a bit better.

Right now I am watching a Twilight movie marathon, so that's good. They don't have 4, Part 2, yet on FXX, so I'm just going to have to put up with up to 4, Part 1. I don't know why they didn't just combine the two parts together, at least for the telly edition, with what as much as they have edited out.

Good luck with ur appt on Monday! I have one on Thursday with my shrink. I have to go to Sunrise Monday to give them her fax number for the Depakote levels and other stuff, then I have to go to ARP for the prn case management thing/sign off some treatment plan papers/to try again with seeing about regular therapy. Long day ahead for my Monday.

As for plans for the rest of the beginning of the week, Sunday? Just getting back on track and feeling better physically from yesterday. That's about it.

Wow...that sounds like a great day other than those two episodes with your mom (about the transportation and your "snoring"). It sounds good that her roommate was there and you had someone to talk to. It does sound like a lot of fun all in all. And Yummmm..red wine. My fav. I haven't been drinking though. The food all day sounds good too!

I have a pile (and I mean a PILE) of dishes staring at me. Blah.

Rest up. I have to be up early so will try to get to bed earlier than I usually do.

Blue...if you are out there, I hope work has gone ok this weekend for you.

Well, all in all, my weekend has been alright. Now here comes the week again, and there's nothing major to look forward to, besides getting those things done tomorrow(Sunrise and the case management thing), seeing my dad this Saturday, and my show on Saturday. Oh and my appt with my shrink on Thursday. Otherwise, I don't have much going on really until Friday(movie again). So I can goof off, go to eat somewhere for breakfast if I want to, do some chores(have to still work on the cabinets and fridge/freezer; and also have to take out the trash), ride the bus for hours. So I have time on my hands again.

It stormed this evening, cooling things down quite a bit. Right now, though it's gone back to being hot and humid(at least 60 degrees). There was plenty of wind with that storm when it went through. Now it's just freakin' humid.

My dad called me this afternoon, too. He asked about yesterday, and I told him. He told me that was his purpose of the call, just to ask how yesterday went.

My Kindle has been on the charger all afternoon and the charge just got to 45%(it just told me). It wasn't even that dead when I plugged it in! It was at like 6%, so right now it should be at least 60 or 70%. Ah well...

I have tried to reply a couple of times but things keep interupting me. Our internet went out and then my kids interupted.

My kindle is several years old and rattles when I move it. It is quirky about charging but keeps going.

Monday...gone (almost). It is supposed to be hot and humid the next few days. I won't complain. I love summer.

Hope this has been a good Monday for everyone.

I didn't have much of a Monday yesterday. I slept damn near all day! I went to bed at 6ish, and didn't get up until like 4.45 in the afternoon! All because my Kindle took too damn long to tell me it was fully charged. Ugh.

Mine is the Kindle Fire, and I got it like a couple of years ago. It was a bday gift, so it means a lot to me. I have the protective shield on it so that I don't hurt it or scratch the screen. I also have a hard-bound backing that my Kindle is strapped into, so it's protected from a lot of stuff. I have a lot of apps and books on it. I really love it.

How did the appt go yesterday? I hope it went well for u! I have one on Thursday.

OMG they just advertised something cool and cute on Sprout-the telly channel I watch the most often-it's a commercial, but it's awesome. It's called a "teddy tank", it looks so awesome, that I want one!

Yesterday evening my mom went off on me again. Ugh. Over something to do with her going back to her house and getting dressed to figure out her work schedule(she had wanted to do that, but whatever that's not the point here). It quickly ended as quickly as it started. I ended up sitting in my parking lot with my mom with my sister Maddie on my lap, helping my mom figure out what's up with her schedule(seems like when she had entered her "off" days into her phone, she had screwed up and put the wrong date in).

I got to see my daughter yesterday too. I shared homemade fries with her. She loves them as much as I do! What kid doesn't? Then after the first few bites, she kept reaching into the bowl of fries and helped herself. So we both ended up sitting there eating out of the bowl. Then I shared a couple bites of hot dog bun with Bella, and then somehow as I was cleaning up after supper, I accidentally dropped the cob. OOPS. Bella grabbed it and started gnawing on it. I let her, because it couldn't hurt. Then when she had enough, Maddie chewed on it for awhile. Bella's cute. Then when I was ready to go home, Bella tried stealing my seat as I was getting up to get my stuff ready to go and some last-minute chores done(feed and water the kids). She also kept climbing into my lap. I don't think she wanted me to leave her. Poor thing, I wish I could have her, but I need to do some things first, and then clear it with my property manager before I can have her here. She understands, but sometimes she gets impatient. I understand that one. I guess I better get a move on with the process of getting the okay to be able to have her here with me.

It sure was hot yesterday! So humid too! Ugh. Yuck. At least it ain't as dry as it was up in Cheyenne on Saturday. That was bad.

Here's the chart data.

Awww...my girls go crazy for french fries! Nice that you got see your family and I am sure they were thrilled to see you.

My tummy is off AGAIN. I am not sick, it is something else setting me off. I just started the prozac today so it isn't that.

My app't yesterday, I wrote about that on another thread. They were busy which I understand but it flusters me (knowing someone is waiting and I am using their time). I am trying prozac for something new (was on it a long time ago).

Good luck with your appt. I see my therapist on Thursday (and I swear if I hear "You are normal" one more time that will be it).

I don't have much time to write, so I will try to be brief, but to the point.

I didn't get NOTHING accomplished today. Again. I went to bed at 7.15 this morning, because I was really distracted with MFP. I took my meds(at least the Depakote and Propranolol) at 4ish, so I was good there. Okay, I actually did get something done, but after I woke up at 5.45 this afternoon. I put the clean dishes away from the dishwasher and put the dirty ones in the dishwasher. I put dish liquid in and turned on the dishwasher, so basically I did the dishes today. I also put my Kindle on charge again(it claimed it was dead around 3.30 this morning). So right now, it's at like 55%(it just told me). I have to leave in a bit, so I am hoping the charge is enough to read some pages in books on there.

Sounds like u didn't get much out of ur shrink appt. I hope the Prozac works! My mom was on that sh*t(right after the divorce was final between her and dad), and it didn't do nothing. She tried two other ones, and finally gave up and quit anti-depressants cold turkey. I know that the rule is to never quit cold turkey. She did. She had a lot of withdrawal sh*t. So I wish u good luck on it!

Good luck with ur therapist! We're not normal, but some people see us that way. It's weird actually. Don't let it bother u too much!

I don't know what kind of gain I am hoping to get from my shrink appt Thursday. Like I said I'm just looking forward to seeing her. It's my once monthly thing, so yea.

Well that didn't go well.

Went with my mom and her roommate to TCBY's for frozen yogurt. That was good, but my mom kept getting mad at me for eating my waffle cone my way. I kept telling her that that was how I usually eat it, and to lay off. She just kept pecking at me the rest of the time we were there. She scared off the couple who had joined us on the table outside, because of her getting mad at me. I was soooo mortified beyond belief. Then of course she was looking for a dumpster to put something in the trash that wasn't really s'pposed to go in the trash(which is illegal)-it was a hazardous item. So she found that. Then all the way back to my house, she kept badgering me about my shower habits, my underwear habits, my teeth habits, and everything negative in between. She also kept trying to get answers out of me about this crap that she was badgering me about(which I refused to answer, by all means). I simply flat out told her that I felt badgered by her and that I simply would NOT answer. Her roommate was no help. When he and I are having one on one time hang outs, he is fine, but when he is around my mom and she starts her crap, he seems to make it worse by adding fuel to the fire. I don't get it. Oh and get this...My mom made me change both my top AND my bottom clothes before we left. She claimed that they were dirty. Bullsh*t. They weren't dirty, that was just her imagination gone bad again. Then when I came back out, she tried to pull the same crap again, this time with my top. It was NOT dirty dammit! Now get over urself woman! Ugh. So that's what I had to put up with. Oh and another thing is, is she wanted me to keep an eye out for dumpsters when she was looking for them. Well, excuse me, but I was in the middle of looking in my Pokémon Black/White walkthrough guide book, to see where in the hell I can catch/get Eevee(I really want either a Leafeon or a Glaceon, they are soooo adorable!). Ugh. Well, I s'ppose I can look on the online cheat book website for that.

My daughter was in the car, as well as my sister Maddie. So that was fun. Once I was finally in the car, Maddie comes over to me(she was in my mom's lap) and just starts kissing me to death. I love her so much! She is like one of the best sisters ever!(Okay, well except for my other sisters, they're awesome too sometimes-except the Russian Blue, she is the awesomest!) Bella was sweet. She kept coming up from the backseat and kept sitting on my lap and kissing me. I love her. She's my baby(not a baby anymore, but she's my baby nonetheless). So I had a HUGE distraction when my mom kept badgering me.

When I was getting into different pants and a different top, I stepped into another episode again. Over how f'ed up I am overall. Also included in that was how much I didn't deserve things in life, how I only deserved to live in Pueblo on a permanent, and how I shouldn't deserve nothing EVER. I'm still not calm. It's going to take me more longer than usual(the usual time it takes me to come off one usually if it's just stepping into one it's 2 hours; if it's coming off one it can take anywhere from 6 hours to a day to more than that)-3 hours.

Right now I've got the Rockies game on. We ain't doing so great. Stupid other team is kicking our arses BIG time. We both were tied at 4, but they just made a 3 run home run, so now they're 7 to 4. Crap. We want tacos dammit! Hell if we hit 7 I will literally stay out all day and make that special trip to Taco Smell by 4PM, so I get my Rockies Special. Wish my team luck!

Here's the chart data.

Ugh I hate triple posting in my own thread after myself, but I totally forgot to include something that was very important to have included when I first posted.

Today is my grandpa's 91st bday. Or would have been anyways...He died(I think) 2 1/2 years after my grandma did. Me and my grandparents(esp grandpa, because of the whole playing cards after school everyday thing and watching my favourite show everyday when it was on) were VERY close. Like best friends kinda close. I guess their health really started deteriorating when their furkid, Peppie, died of brain cancer(he had a brain tumor and it would've cost my grandma an arm and a leg to have the doctors remove it, so she ended up letting nature take its course). First my grandma went(December 11th, '06). Then my grandpa. So their passings have been hard on me. Even Peppie. He was my childhood playmate! Yea....Back to grandpa, I just miss him every year on his bday, and esp on the day of his passing(March 24). He was 80-some when he passed.

Since I got up so late and got going so late and from how triggered from my mom I was today, here's my mood chart(since I just updated it).

Oh boy...your mom again. You should definitely tell your therapist about all of that. I think it is a control thing with your mom. No matter what you do, she is probably going to act like that. It isn't your fault, because she will pick at you no matter what you do. I think the roommate probably doesn't defend you because he is simply taking the easy way out and is probably kind of happy she isn't picking at him (if she does that). He does have to live with her so it is probably his way of keeping the peace between them.

I love baseball and watch it most nights.

I don't know much about Pokemon but one of my sons is into it. :)

Hope today is a good day. I am not really awake yet.

My mom's roommate told me once on our one on one hangouts that he hates my mom's guts. When I'm not around and he and my mom are in the same place(namely her house), she is ALWAYS badgering him. ALWAYS. He helps out with the chores in the house, and she is always finding a way to b**** him out about it and then when I am around, she blames him for not doing anything. Ugh. I know he does the chores in the house to his fullest. He also tends to the garden in the backyard. When I'm not there, he makes sure that the kids are well looked after and have someone to hang with. U call that NOT doing anything?! That right there is doing something! Ugh.

We lost. No tacos. Ah well...We've been having a sucky season anyhoo...

Pokémon is a great Anime. One of my favourites.

I hope ur day went well today. Mine started at 3.45 in the afternoon. I didn't do NOTHING again today. Ugh. I fail at failing. No, that's not a double negative.

I'm waiting(patiently) for Family Feud to come on. This time, no interruptions(unless it's during break for bathroom or food). That's another thing my mom likes to do. Interrupt the program we are ALL watching when I am over there watching the Feud on telly. Then she tells me to STFU cuz she can't hear. Well goddammit I didn't say nothing! U did dammit! Ugh.

I don't have a therapist because I have failed to go up there to do the treatment plan signing for to stay with my shrink. So it might have to wait until Monday.

I hope you get up there and sign what you need to so you can keep your pdoc!! That's important. Don't put that off. Like you said you have a good relationship and we have to keep that going. For our health. Do you still have time to sign it?

I'm glad you got to see your sister and Bella!!

Hang in there.

I probably can't do nothing about it until next week. The prn case manager I am s'pposed to see won't be available until then. I'm going up there tomorrow for sure, to make sure that she will be there next Monday, and then I will go back up there Monday and get things all set up(appt since it's no longer a thing where I have to see her immediately, unless she has an available right away open time for me). So hopefully that will go according to plan.

Today's agenda: Pull that all nighter(no sleep so I won't oversleep my appt), get dressed and stuff together(including, iPod, Kindle, and my book, and a Gatorade), head out promptly at 7.55(bus gets here at 5 after 8), ride the bus all the way from my bus stop to the mall(it stops dwntwn and then goes back to the mall after it picks me up), get on route 2(gold) and go to McDonald's(to pick up a bunch of breakfast sammiches and some taters and a juice), go back to the bus stop and wait for route 2(gold) to arrive(while munching at least one sammich, and chasing it with my pills and my juice, and also finishing the juice even though I know most the drivers don't mind me bringing drinks like that on the bus because I am uber careful with them), get on the bus(showing my E&D pass), ride the bus around the west Greeley loop, transferring onto route 5(orange), and depending what time it is, head to North Range(it will probably be almost 10 so I am guessing that I should probably ride 5 once and then go to North Range...every 20 freakin' minutes....let's think that one through so I know if it will be back on time for 11.15...Since orange don't go back to DTC and goes straight to the mall...hmm...Yeap, it should be fine), and then after North Range I will come home and eat again and then take the trash out, and goof off the rest of the day.

Well I just made supper and supper should be thick by now, so I better get off my arse and go put the white cheddar topping in it so I can finally sit down and eat here at the couch(my new "table). Maybe I will just keep reading my Manga? I dunno.

How did you make out today?

I saw my tdoc. It went pretty well but of course, the person before me ran over their time (and it turned out to be someone I know...sigh...life in a small town) and I hadn't been in a while so there was a lot to cover. She did have some very helpful advice on some issues I am having with family.

BBL! lap top is about to die.

JustmeJ. What is a tdoc?

Anime. Did you get everything done you set out to do? If so pat yourself on the back that was a lot!!

Elie

tdoc=therapist
Pdoc=psychiatrist

:)

Well it turned out alright. I brought up the weight issues and ended up not bringing up the Topomax, as I figure I am going to give myself a little longer to try and lose the weight on my own without anything to help with it-at least for a few months or so. If I still manage only to just lose then gain then lose then gain, I will bring it up with her then. My weight at weigh in is 276! When they took my oxygen it was low. 83, and the pulse was good, around 70ish. Blood pressure was 130/90. I see her again the 28th of next month at 1.30 in the afternoon(they didn't have one that was the same time as usual, so I just went with it, and the only morning one they had was like an 8 in the morning one, so I said pass and that I'd take a different one, and the 1.30 on the 28th is what I ended up with).

I went to McDonald's today. Got 7 sausage McMuffins w/ extra cheese, a juice, 5 potatoes. Then I asked for some ice(it was soo f'ing humid today! It was also sooo damn hot when I left, and it was only 8am when I left the house to get to the bus stop. Usually when it's this hot and humid the drivers would have their windows closed and their a/c's on, but not this morning. None of 'em had their air on...Except when I was getting back on route 2(gold), he had his going. Usually they don't allow drinks of any kind that involve a straw(like from a restaurant). I told him that all I had in the small container was water(I am sure he saw the ice, so he didn't really make a fuss). I got on 5(orange), and the a/c was off for a short(10 minutes), and then she put it on. I rode 5(orange) once, and then headed to my appt. Anyhoo's...The total came to $17.01 at McDonald's today. I kept scrounging around my purse to get enough. I had enough quarters to run multitudes of laundry, but that's not the point. I ended up having the right amount of change to give the cashier. I felt so mortified, having to keep the other people behind me waiting, as I went through my purse for my money to pay for my grub.

I pulled an all nighter last night. I was up all night, and through the morning hours(as u probably can tell by my early morning posts). So I got home around 1ish, and I put everything down(I had to use the bathroom real bad again), and rushed off to the bathroom, and then put my pajamas on, grabbed some cold water, went on Facebook(only lasted 10 minutes there), and then went to my bedroom and crashed. I didn't really wake up until my alarm went off at 5.30(so that I could watch Jeopardy). I ended up turning off my alarm and rolling over and stretching....Then I feel back to sleep for another hour. Then my dad called. He has to work this Saturday, so I can sleep in or do whatever I want until my show is on at 10. My dad and I are kinda bummed that he has to work. Unfortunately, it is what it is. I understand. Anyhoos...after my dad and I got off the phone I went back to sleep until 9. It was almost dark.

I got my treatment planned signed while over at North Range today! The chick that had me sign the papers also gave me the days and time frames when the prn therapists would be in. She also told me that when I go and see one of them, that they can help me get into regular therapy, since that's what I am needing at this point. She was nice. She has actually helped me with sign a treatment plan before, so I was grateful it was her and not someone else. I signed it right before I saw my shrink. Then my shrink called me back as soon as that was done, but I told her I would be back in a minute, as I was waiting for the other gal to get the times for the prn therapists and the days for them. I'm still going up there tomorrow. The days for the prn therapists are Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Time frames are from 9AM-12PM and then from 1PM to 4PM. Since I had originally planned to get my arse up there anyways, I am going to see what that's about and see about talking to someone, and also mentioning regular therapy.

Now I am sitting here in front of my computer and eating leftovers for supper. I had some "bathroom" problems this morning. I dunno what caused it. Yea...Anyhoo... I had half a bowl of dinosaur egg porridge this morning for breakfast, then I bought the McDonald's and had one of the sammiches for lunch(I downed the juice at the bus stop while waiting for the bus), and now it's leftover time. Whenever I have leftovers for supper, I just call it "hodgepodge", because it's a mix of whatever I have that I need to finish up eating. Usually it's only one or two items.

I was going to take out the trash when I got home today. But it was too hot and too humid and I was just too damn tired to put up with it all...I will get it when I get home tomorrow(after the Dollar Tree, still have to go up there to get treats for the movie).

I was feeling fuzzy-brained earlier today when I was out and about, and heading to my appt. It started around the time I got to the bus stop after McDonald's. It finally quit, though, later on after I got to North Range. It started up again after I got off 5(orange) and had to sit for 20 minutes to wait for my bus, 4(green). Must have been the heat and humidity. I was also feeling pretty dizzy too. Jeez, what a day.

I am glad u had a good session with ur therapist. People can be so rude, though, when it comes to appts. They take their appts and then they decide what the hell and go ahead and go overtime into someone else's appts. Ugh. A good piece of advice on the laptop, is that when ur doing something like being on this site or any sit or whatever ur doing, just keep it plugged in(if ur at home or somewhere there's an outlet nearby). That way it won't die and won't always need to be fed(since it's already being kept well fed while on the charge port). I always keep mine plugged in. I don't ever want her to die on me(yup I even call her "pretty girl", although a computer to most is a machine and therefore can't have human feelings, I believe they do have emotions and shouldn't be mistreated).

With that covered, here's the chart data.

Long day here. Just errands and grocery shopping.

The problem with my laptop is that I sometimes sit on my couch with it and there is nowhere to plug it in. If I have it on my table, it is plugged in. I agree with you about how it is treated. I used to talk about my old car like that.

I am glad you got your treatment plan signed. I am sure that is a relief. It sounds very positive.

How did today go? Are you feeling better? I am sure the heat and humidity can get to you. My head gets fuzzy (I call it noisy) but it is more of a stress related thing.

Hope it was a good day for all.

Hey, at least u got something accomplished today! I am so glad! U are amazing when it comes to getting things done!

Yea...I understand u there, about the not having an outlet to be able to plug ur 'puter into, when in use on the couch. I am lucky to be so much near the outlet with my couch that I don't need my spider to extend reach for to plug mine into. What kind of 'puter do u have? I have a Toshiba Satellite. One of the best breeds of computers out there, along with Acer and another breed of 'puter that I can't remember off the top my head what the name was. I will probably think of it later and post it. Right now my mind's drawing a blank. I always talk to inanimate objects like that. I always talk that way about them too. Every morning before I go to bed, I always "put my computer to bed".

I was so relieved when the gal came over to me and had me sign it. It definitely saved me a trip up there just for that specific reason. I figured I'll go up there Tuesday and get into the prn therapist to talk and to see about getting a therapist for regular therapy. Monday I am getting my fat arse up to Sunrise to get the info on the results on my Depakote levels so I can get them mailed off to my shrink, so that on the 28th we can finally go over them and see what needs to happen(up, down, same, what have u). She gave me an envelope that's all ready to mail off except for the stamp(I have some stamps so I will just use one of mine). So I will get that one done then.

Today went better. Much. No "fuzzies". Actually it was raining all afternoon until I got back to the mall bus stop after shopping at the Dollar Tree. Thunder and all. The rain was heavy at times. Before I left I took my "ears" out of the closet. I knew I'd need them today(because of the rain). I have had them since I was like 11(my grandma bought them for me because she knew I loved Anime and was obsessed with the Pokémon Anime at the time-when I refer to my "ears", I mean my Pikachu umbrella; it's yellow and has Pikachu's face on it, and then on top of it on each side of it, are Pikachu's ears). I love taking it out on the bus and everywhere with me when it rains(that way my hoodie can stay around my waist and I can enjoy the weather outside). No one gives me weird looks because of it(they all seem to know that Anime is normal, and that just because I have my "ears" in the rain, doesn't mean that I am a freak-to them it's just an umbrella with ears). Anyhoos...When I got on the bus at my bus stop, it wasn't raining much. I also saw that the bus was almost to my stop(it was by the church), so I just put my "ears" down. I rode the bus all the way dwntwn and then to the mall and then got on 2(gold). Did business with the Dollar Tree, then got to the bus stop. Weather was fine. No rain or wind. Nothing, just calm. Then after I sat down and was sitting for a couple minutes and was about to get out lunch(it was a Lunchables mini meal of pizza and a candy bar), but then it started spitting lightly. I thought nothing of it and just decided to wait on the matter. I instead grabbed my Rip It energy drink(it was the red one), and just started on that. Boy was that good! Then, after 3 minutes of lightly spitting, the sky again darkened, and the wind started blowing hard. I thought nothing of it, as it was still lightly spitting. 3 minutes later, unfortunately, the spittle drops got bigger. My immediate thought was "UHOH!". I waited a bit, thinking it would quit. No such luck, it just only got worse. Then it started blowing rain spittle in at an angle from the southwest, so my the back of my tank top got a little wet. I didn't care, because it felt good to me. Once it started raining, I was like "CRAP!". I didn't have an immediate reaction, though. I just waited 3 minutes again to see if it would quit. It didn't. So, getting wet as I went along, I put my "ears" back up. I still managed to get the left side of my pants wet, but the right side remained completely dry. My iPod happens to ALWAYS be in my left pocket, so later on I checked on it to make sure that it wasn't hurt or anything(it wasn't). Glad that wasn't my telephone! Anyhoos...It was so windy with that rain that it was literally trying to blow my "ears" out of my hands(even though I had an awesome grip on them and the rope thing they were attached to). I clutched them to my chest tightly so they wouldn't blow away. I knew that my bags of food would be fine from the rain(no paper inside the bags, and the bags were plastic, so they'd protect the items anyways from getting wet or blowing away; and also the items in the bags were all enough to weigh the bags down so the bags wouldn't blow away). Soon enough I saw the bus, grabbed the bags and got my bus pass out and put it in my mouth(so that I could hold my "ears" in one hand and my bags in the other-I had already put my "ears" down when I saw the bus). The rain finally quit before I got to the mall bus stop(still I had to wait 20 minutes for my bus, because it was leaving dwntwn when I had gotten to the mall at 5). When I got on my bus(4, green) and sat down, I got out my Cool Blue Gatorade and drank some. I was thirsty again(after fighting the rain and wind and having lunch on the other bus). I stayed on the bus until 6.40(the final route 4/green bus that leaves from the mall; it goes dwntwn and straight to the bus barn). I talked to the driver, and we laughed at random stuff, talked about random stuff, and laughed at a colossal epic fail that was at the dwntwn park by the library(a lemonade stand's "lemonade" sign was upside down, all of them all the way around the stand were upside down!). I also found out that today was her last day as a driver. I found out that the reason she became a bus driver and quit her other job(which I later on found out that she was a truck driver previously), was because her daughter needed her help with getting back on her feet again. So she had helped her daughter for these 9 months, and now her daughter told her that she finally thinks she can manage on her own now. So yea...I'm going to miss this bus driver. She was really awesome, and she was one of the cooler drivers. That's alright, I will just have to put up with getting used to a new driver with her driver number(they all have driver identification numbers so that no one gets confused who is being called over the CB radios when transfers are needed or they need to give off info on road or any kind of weather conditions).

When the bus left the mall bus stop at 6.40, my mom called, as if on cue. I had to yell at her in order for her to be able to hear me because of the traffic being so loud, that and the CB radio was so loud she and I couldn't hear each other on the phone(she considered my yelling to be "screaming", but it wasn't; if I was screaming, I would be having an episode and the driver would have had to make a U-turn off back to the mall and call an ambulance and then I wouldn't be here now, so my mom needs to get that one out of her thick skull; I even told her I wasn't screaming, I was just yelling over traffic and the CB radio). Other than that little over-the-telephone skirmish, there wasn't no other issues with my mom today, surprisingly. I told her on the phone that I needed until 7.15, so I could take a shower(I smelled like wet dog for one, and for another that shower I got in the rain wasn't much) and get changed. Then went online on her telephone(I could have easily used my phone too, but um I was like DUHHHH), and checked on the movie. I was wrong about the movie and about the day. Ugh I am stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. She got me supper and we sat dwntwn for awhile. Then now I am home. I got home and did business with the bathroom(as usual). Now, here I am, sitting on the couch in my pajamas, on here.

The neighbours are sending my anxiety through the roof(yup I am blaming THEM on my anxiety this time). They keep pounding on some sort of surface of their apt(walls, floor, I dunno which). It's irritating and it's sending my anxiety through the roof! They do this every night, regardless if I have music on or a Facebook game on or not(and even if I do, it's never on very loud, and it's off my computer so how the f*** can they hear it?). Arseholes.

Here's the chart data.

Neighbors like that would send my anxiety through the roof too. That isn't good and they are very inconsiderate and rude since they do it all the time.

Your "ears" sound so cute! The bus driver sounds like fun. I know everyone that works in the grocery store and it was like social hour yesterday when I went.
Glad that it was a relatively easy day with your mom too. My mom did something very thoughtful and nice for me ($) so now I can live with the picking a little better.

My computer is an Acer Chromebook. I also have an Alienware desktop because we are big time gamers here.

Today is just kind of ho-hum. Waiting to see if it will rain and storm as predicted.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Yea, and the neighbour below me allows her little boy(he's 2) to run around her apt and scream and then after a few minutes she screams at him "NO" and then sometimes I hear her hitting him(it's loud!). So she's at fault, not her kid! She's the one who let him run around screaming and being loud in the house in the first place! Ugh.

I love Pikachu. I love Pokémon. I love Anime. It's one of my love's and is my life. It's amazing! I have a "date" with Anime in the morning at 2(only on Sunday mornings) and then at 4.30, and I always look forward to watch it every Sunday mornings.

Yea my mom surprised me with being nice yesterday. We actually sat there in the car dwtwn and talked while listening to the music that was playing. That was amazing in itself. I'm glad ur mom did the same for u and helped u out!

Nice computer! My mom's roommate has an Acer laptop, and it's an awesome computer. He likes to play Solitaire on it(I had to dwnld and install the Microsoft Solitaire Collection on mine because mine didn't come with it). His is a Windows 7, and my Toshiba is a Windows 8. We both have a Kindle Fire. We both love our computers and our Kindles. Funny how it is, right? I'm also a gamer. I love DDO. What do u like to do for gaming?

I didn't do nothing today. I actually stayed up until 8.45 this morning. Was only going to lay down and sleep in my bed for 1 hour(until 9.45), and then get up. I had my alarm set and everything. When the alarm went off, I let it go. By accident. I ended up missing my show at 10. I didn't do my laundry like I was going to do. I didn't take the trash out like I was going to do. I didn't put my clean and dirty dishes away like I was going to do. I didn't clean my sink or wipe down my kitchen counters like I was going to do. I didn't do nothing but sleep all day. I got up at 8.30 this evening. Now I'm awake again. I need to take my morning meds now, because I didn't take them at all today.

That being said today was uneventful.

Here's the chart data.

So yesterday I didn't go to bed until like 1ish in the afternoon. Big deal. I fall asleep and then around 4.30 in the afternoon my mom calls and asks if I am ready for supper. Now, the other day, she didn't mention supper, she said lunch. She said lunch, NOT supper. That really p***ed me off, because she also had said in the afternoon she'd want to pick me up. Not late afternoon. Early afternoon. So I told her that I was in bed sleeping and then we hung up. I went to sleep angry after that. Then around 30 minutes later, she calls again. It was yet again about picking me up. What part of I am sleeping, don't u understand, mom?! Then she started blaming everything on my pills again. That's bullcrap. My pills had nothing to do with the fact of the reason that she called twice. So I went back to sleep after we hung up. Tell me something...Is this considered harassment, when she does this kind of stuff when I tell her that I am sleeping and to let me sleep?

My best friend from Frontier House called me yesterday as well. Around 7 some in the evening. He's doing good. His kitties and his grandkitties are doing great. He got some new video games and found out something new about the ordering system on Amazon. So that also helps me out in the long run(like I have probably said before, and I will say it again, we are always giving each other tips on this kind of stuff, and also on video games). We sat there and talked a good almost 20 minutes(like usual), and then I told him I would be at Frontier House on Wednesday. He told me that he'd be there too. I have the food stamps, so I can afford getting us some snackies and something to drink. I need to remind him of our lunch outing-I think that Canton's is open again, but I'm not for certain. Will find out for sure Wednesday when I get to the bus stop by Frontier House.

I have literally been on my butt since I got up. I haven't done much. I have been dwnlding some stuff for emulators. I got me an NDS emulator and got that up and running, and got me some more games. The main reason behind getting that is so I don't spend money on Pokémon Black 2 for the system, just so I can get to the town I need to get to in order to obtain an Eevee. Plus, it's cheaper! So I now have a buttload of games that I have been tinkering with and playing with since dwnlding them.

Oddly enough, I was going to ask if you had talked to your friend and yes, you have! It is nice you will see him on Wed.

As for gaming, some of us play World of Warcraft, some play League of Legends, Minecraft, my oldest son loves Pokemon (and Anime). Then Xbox games like Call of Duty and that kind of stuff. I am pretty much addicted to Candy Crush on my phone and get teased for it but that is ok.

I have been just blah and more blah. Power was out last night (storms). I haven't done much of anything.

Hope Monday is off to a good start. Did you get some of the things done that you wanted?

I am definitely looking forward to seeing my best friend. It will be a great chance of pace for me. I do enjoy hanging out with him. He became a member of the Frontier House a week after I did. We were immediate best friends. That was how many years ago? I think I joined around the time I was about to graduate from Higher Grounds. I'm not sure, but it was somewhere around there.

I love Pokémon and Anime. I love Naruto. One of the best Animes out there. I love Candy Crush Saga! I also love Dragon City. I used to be big on Farmville, Cityville, and Café World. Now out of those three I just mentioned, all I ever played was Café World. Now I can't play it because they decided to "let it go". So now no more fun for me(I was level 43). Farmville 2 doesn't even do anything for me, and Cityville takes too long to load on my computer. I love playing TranStation. It's awesome! I just hit level 116 today, and I have 4 more levels until I can have mag trains(Maglev). So that's exciting. I love to play Mario Kart. I just got the ROM for the NDS emulator this morning, and I was playing it. I prefer the Wii version better than the DS version. Easier to throw bananas and turtle shells with(and other items). Haha, reminds me of something that will make u bust out laughing. I and my then husband were once living with this couple and I had brought my Wii when I had moved into this basement level apt/house near the college. OMG the guy(they were a couple), kept throwing bananas and I kept slipping on them(before I learned how to dodge them or drive around them). That's not the point. The point of this is, is that my then husband told the guy that he "studied bananas". After that, it was our inside joke. Funny as hell. Anyhoos...I play Puzzled Hearts, Puzzled Pets, and Games By GSN. I used to be into Words With Friends, but that got old quick. I play Naruto games(on PS2), and I love the Devil May Cry Games. Also, like I have mentioned before, I am BIG into DDO. I have a level 5 rogue, and a level 4 sorceress. BTW, I have no problem with u and ur playing Candy Crush Saga. Oh yea I am also into Farm Heroes Saga and Cookie Jam. Fun stuff.

Don't u just hate it when the power gets cut off because of a storm? I do. Of course, it usually gets cut off when it's extremely hot or there's a "glitch" at Xcel. Ugh.

My Monday is fine. I didn't sleep at all again. I probably will go without sleep again tomorrow morning. I was going to go over to Sunrise and get that straightened out but I couldn't be arsed to do it. I ended up spending 3 hours on the bus(I think; it was 9.20 when I got on, and noonish when I got off). I plan to take the trash out later. I also plan on making something for supper(maybe some sort of pork dish?). I just hope my plans don't go to sh*t. That seems to be happening a lot to me lately.

Tomorrow I am going to ARP so that I can finally get the therapy thing sitiated. After that I am going to get a couple of drinks at the Everyday store. Then take the bus and come back home, and if I have the time, I will put the laundry in and do some vacuuming.

Well I will probably post more later, but I need to stop procrastinating and re heat my dinner and eat so that way I have energy to do what I am great at: absolutely nothing. Doing as little as possible without getting arrested for loitering.

Oh and before I forget...There was this chick that was on the bus that was sitting behind me. I know she wasn't carrying an E&D bus pass..What I am trying to get across here, is that I wanted to sit in the seat with the pole next to it(on the side of the bus right next to the lift). I asked her nicely if I could please sit there. She yelled "NO!" I almost told her that that seat should be the next seat reserved for E&D people if the lift is being used for a wheelchair and the seats have to be put up. I didn't. I kept my trap shut. She was downright rude to me! She could have just sat a few seats down from me on the side! Ugh. Selfish b****!!!! Sorry for the vent, it's just that grr it makes me mad when people are so rude to me! I almost went off into an episode over it(but didn't because I knew the risk of it). I ended up taking deep, angry breaths. Up until the time she got off the bus(at Greeley Manor Apts). Then I got my seat back until the guy in the wheelchair got off and up until the point where we got to the mall and the driver put the seats down. Then I "migrated" up front. I got off at 12 instead of waiting awhile, because I really had to use the bathroom(I had failed to use it before I left, which was a poor decision on my part-I just didn't have the time to when it was time to get ready to leave).

Okay, now I really will eat some dinner. I'm starved!!!

So I ate some dinner. Then I watched Netflix. Then we had a nodder(that would be me). So I went to bed for a nap(given it shouldn't really be counted as a nap, because I sleep longer than 1 hour). I just woke up. My head just freakin' hurts because I woke up in a position that always ends me up with a headache(on my stomach, face flat against my snuggie). So now I have to nurse that headache away(lots of water).

I just found out there's a new show coming to Sprout in August. It's called Earth To Luna. It looks so cute! I usually watch The Sunny Side Up Show in the mornings(if I am up by 7, or if I had already been up). It's awesome! I get to learn how to make new yummy foods(today Chica and one of the gals that is on the show made pretzels and some dip that only had peanut butter and whipped cream in it-it looked great!), how to make various crafts, and just to be creative and use my imagination. They also sing a happy bday song for the kids that have bdays(the kids and their parents go to sproutonline.com to do that, it's pretty neat and I love to see the cards that they made for the kids' bdays).

Wow, that storm is starting to come in a little faster now! I expect it to be here no sooner than 10.30 or 10.45 at the most and least. Tomorrow it's s'pposed to storm all day. I'm going to check The Weather Channel soon to see if I am needed for work tomorrow, or if I can just go about my natural day as if nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen. Aha the crickets have quit singing! So yea. It's getting prepared to amp up big time. I wonder how bad and how much rain we will get out of this system?

Here's the chart data.

Well last night I ate my supper and watched my show some. I ended up falling asleep while it was on(it was on Netflix). So I just decided to get up and turn everything off and use the bathroom and go to bed. I took a Lunesta(since it's as needed), and went to sleep. I got up at 9.47 this morning. Now I'm awake.

Something, somebody, outside is making a HUGE racket and I can't hear the telly! I'm surprised I am even able to think! They go on for minutes at a time then stop then start up again. It's really irritating.

Is there construction going on in your building or maybe someone moving in?

I'm glad you got some sleep last last night!!

How is everything else going? When is your next pdoc appointment? And did you get set up with a regular therapist? I can't remember sorry. Its the ECT.

Have a god day!!

I finally looked out the window and looked down(I'm on the second floor), and the maintenance dude and some Spanish guys were working on something that was requiring them to make noise(it was I think a buzzsaw or something against metal). Yet again, they are working on the carports, so now it's going to be an inconvenience to everyone who parks under there. Their cars won't be protected by severe weather(if there is hail or damaging winds), for as long as the carport work goes. I had no clue that this was going to take place. I was also checking outside to look at the clouds(we're s'pposed to get rain, thunderstorms and possible flooding).

I just checked The Weather Channel and they said I wasn't needed for work(but knowing me I will put in the extra hours just to make sure that flooding doesn't happen or if it happens I can report it). No twisters are expected, so I guess that makes me in the clear for work. Doesn't mean I won't check in from time to time. Or look out my window.

The sleep helped. As soon as I got up, I went to turn the telly on, as usual(after using the bathroom). I have been on the computer since then. It's all good. I just finished a bowl of Rice Crispies cereal with lots of sugar dumped on it, and a glass of Diet Mtn Dew. That was s'pposed to be my breakfast, but it ended up being my lunch. On MFP, I have now logged for 8 consecutive days! I have been logging more than that, but it kept starting me over. Up until 8 days ago, and then up it counted.

Right now the weather is windy with dark clouds coming in. Rain is inevitable. I believe it will start soon. Not sure on the time. The Weather Channel seems to be thinking around 4ish. I'm thinking sooner than that. It looks to be apparent.

My next appt with the shrink is next month, the 28th at 1.30 in the afternoon. I have to be there by 1.15 in the afternoon. Which means I have to take the 12.30 bus in order to get there on time.

I didn't get a regular therapist yet. I have to go through the prn therapist in order to talk about that. They're only available Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays from 9AM-12PM and 1PM-4PM. So I will have to go later this week. No worries, I understand the effects ECT can have on people(including u), so it's not a problem.

How are things going for u? How's the apt hunting going? Any luck? Let me know!

I need to take the trash out so that way I can be able to throw out my stuff(it's starting to pile up again, but this time not everywhere, and not on my couch, just in my kitchen). Ugh I annoy myself when I procrastinate or when I just don't get things done or can't get things done because I get busy with stuff or have things to do. It's frustrating.

I just got a call from my assigned prn case manager. She said she received my signed treatment plan. She told me that she had been told that I had reported wanting to go back into therapy again. I confirmed to her that I did. She then told me that I could try the on call therapy first and then if I wanted to go further into having therapy every week, then we'd proceed from there to get me a therapist. I then told her that I wanted to be in regular therapy right away. She told me that she wanted to try the on call therapy for a few weeks(at least once a week), and then we could proceed from there. So starting next Monday(since that's the day I am used to going anyways), I will head up to ARP between the time she told me I could go and see one of the on call therapists(1.30PM-3.30PM), and I will do that for a few weeks or so and then will follow through with getting on regular therapy.

Oh and BTW, I was right about the storms and rain. It just barely started raining and thundering. I better get my pants on and get my trash taken out. The EAS keeps coming on and issuing and re-issuing Flash Flood Warnings for Larimer County. I am in Weld County. It also came on Sprout(the channel I am watching). My personalized thought here before I get off is, why would they air the EAS on a kids' channel, esp a little kids' channel? That's just whack. Like a little kid is going to care about that! They're more likely going to care about how long they're going to wait or if they're going to miss a good chunk of their show, instead of what's going on with the weather. To them, rain and thunderstorms is just rain and thunderstorms. They don't care. Unless it's a twister or some natural disaster that IS happening, they just don't care. I know. I was one.

That is good that you got the therapy stuff worked out.
I have been reading but just had a busy/stressful day. Overwhelmed and just need to chill. I will touch base tomorrow when I have more time.

Yea but I still wish I could have been able to set up a time with my assigned prn case manager, to talk more about the therapy thing. It upsets me that she seemed to not really care much about my benefit to the whole thing, and whether or not I get better. I know that sounded really negative right there, but it's how I see it.

I understand the being stressed out and overwhelmed bit. Just chillax and come back tomorrow. I understand.

The rain quit for awhile. It's still not raining. I know it's bound to start up again soon, though. I'm definitely looking forward to it.

Here's the chart data.

Going to Frontier House soon and right now I am very irritated. The dudes working on the carports are back and they are quite irritatingly annoying. I am about to go off. I don't want to close the window on both sides because I really love the air coming in. It's too damn loud!

I didn't go to bed at all again last night(could be another reason I am so cranky today). Then I again I wasn't tired and I was up and distracted all night playing Dragon City.

Earlier I was starting to feel anxious(like early this morning around 5ish). Not sure where that stemmed from. I took my pills around 12AM(when I made my supper). So that can't be it.

I wonder if I should go to Frontier House at all..? I mean I don't like breaking my word to someone when I make it, esp when it's a promise. It's a promise I know I shouldn't break. I have to go on the exercise bike sometime later today when I am there(preferably after dinner and before I leave at 4.35 in the afternoon to go home).

I am such a sad mess today. I'm not even sure where my mood rates this morning from all of this at all. I ate breakfast just a few minutes ago(a can of Progresso Soup, some Berry Juicy Juice, and now I am having some water). So that's not what's wrong. I had a good supper at 12 this morning of beef ramen and berry Juicy Juice. So that's not it. I don't get it.

I did fully clean out my MSN e-mail box early this morning around 1. It took me all the way until 7 to clean it out, because of all the forwards from my mom and all the pictures I had sent myself from the phone of my son, and I even ran into some pics of Angel, my friends' kitten star(the one that stayed with me up until the point my ex was threatening her life). Brought up some good memories I had with both of them, and then the one on one with them. I must have had about 100 or more memories during looking at those photos. Some of the memories made me laugh, and some of them made me reminisce over thoughts of them. Some of the memories brought tears to my eyes, either happy or sad. I miss both of them. Midnight was awesome and my world. Angel was my world, even though she wasn't my kitten star. She sure as hell seemed like my kitten star, the way she behaved. Like I was her handler, and she was my service cat. I think that's where Midnight picked that up from. Angel taught him. He didn't just learn that on his own. I know he wanted to be my service cat, but he was unsure how it went. Angel had experience with me way before I got Midnight from my friend almost two Octobers ago. Angel was with me a few months before I got Midnight. She was like a daughter to me. She always knew when it was med time. I'd go in the bedroom or she'd greet me at the door when I got home late at night, and then she'd lead me into the bedroom, let me get into my pajamas, then she ran to my sleeping spot on the bed near the bedside table and wait for me to follow suit. As soon as I did, she'd move(without me even saying "excuse me please"). I'd sit, and she'd get into my lap and before she let me take my pills, she made sure I was good and calm(she did this because she knew that there was usually some trouble with my then husband, and she always made sure I petted her a good 10 or 15 minutes before I administered meds). She stayed and watched me take my pills. Every single time. Then Midnight came along. At first he was unsure, but then he started following me and Angel into the bedroom, and watching my every move. Every night he did that. Then after awhile, he'd let Angel get into my lap to let me pet her and calm down. Halfway when I was calm, he'd somehow send her that message and then she'd move and he'd crawl into my lap and let me pet him until I was more calm. Then Angel came back into my lap and Midnight would lay next to me while I took my pills. So yea...I had a lot of memories of those two kids. Angel was a grey tabby. She was beautiful.

It's raining outside. Again. All day. Still under a Flash Flood Watch. I hope I don't get stranded or some. I hope no warnings come of it where Frontier House has to close early and the bus has to quit or whatever. That would be depressing. I don't need to be depressed even more today as it is.

Sorry to hear you aren't having a great day. I am willing to bet that lack of sleep has a lot to do with it. It probably also had something to do with your anxiety.

Did you go to Frontier House? It would probably be good for you to go, yet on no sleep it could make for a long day too.

It is easy for me to get distracted and caught up with stuff on the internet.

Just another busy day here. I have felt like I am on autopilot all day. Now its chill time.

*yawn*

'Scuse me.

I dunno. I know the anxiety went away soon as I got on my bus(green). Once I got on the bus I needed to get on to get to Frontier House(blue), it shot right up again. Just because someone was being overly loud on their phone talking to someone in Spanish. Couldn't they speak a little quieter?

I did go to Frontier House. I got there, and I was going to sign in. Unfortunately I couldn't because they messed up and they apparently hadn't had the sign in sheet for today up. They only had yesterday's sign in sheet up, so I guess it was a free day for me. I waited for dinnertime and then I went into the dining area and got in line to get my meal ticket(there was a long line today). I ended up getting a large salad, and I was directed to get my toppings for my salad at the salad bar, so I did so, and they got my Italian dressing(the only kind I take with my salad). I topped my salad with cheese and croutons and then put some baby carrots and some grape tomato halves on the side(I later took them off the plate and saved them for last). Then I sat down and removed the tomatoes and carrots and then doused the salad with A LOT of salad dressing. Okay, more like drenched. It was awesome. As usual, I had tea to drink. That and coffee. I got a good workout of 48 minutes today on the exercise bike. I burned 180 calories, and biked 6 miles! I only stopped twice to go to the bathroom. The second time I walked up the stairs for my bathroom break, I was limping all the way there. All the way down the stairs was the same thing. I dunno what's up with that. Anyhooos...I talked to one of my newer friends as I was getting the exercise, and we were trading tips on diet and exercise. My best friend didn't show up today. He wasn't even there when I got there. I looked in all his favourite hiding places, but no go. That's alright. He probably got distracted with his grandkittens. I understand.

As soon as I was getting back on the bike to finish my hour of exercise, my mom's roommate called and asked if I wanted to go for coffee. I accepted, so he picked me up around close to 3.15. We each had two donuts(well I had a Danish and a pinwheel donut). So we sat there and talked for a long time. I didn't even get home until close to 4.30.

I plan on going to the Frontier House again tomorrow. There's an exercise program tomorrow, so I don't want to miss it. Plus there's going to be a great lunch(at least when I read it, it sounded yummy). Baked fish with a side of veggie medley and pears. Good stuff. Full dinner for me tomorrow. Which leaves me $2 to spend on snack bar. Good. Today I got $.75 worth of string cheese(3 string cheeses!), and a salty but small treat. Good stuff! I also got a Xing tea, Pomegranate, of course. I got the all day $.25 coffee, but only had 2 cups. Tomorrow I will make sure not to get the coffee.

I am getting sick of this rain. I know we need it badly, but so do the people in Cali. Why couldn't we both get it? I mean...My county alone in Colorado(Weld), is getting DRENCHED with rain. It's literally been raining nonstop since like yesterday, when it first let loose. I'm sick if it!

I'm tired. I'm going to go lay down, and then watch. Later I will be up all night again/through early morning. At least I know I will most likely be watching part of the Super Sproutlet Show on Sprout, and then The Sunny Side Up Show, on Sprout. Well I better crash now. I am exhausted.

I hope you get to frontier house tomorrow. I hope they have something you like too. Maybe your friend will show up tomorrow?? That would be nice.

Good job on the exercising!! That's awesome. All I do is walk but its what helps me. 1.5 miles a day. It helps me get calmer but hasn't made my anxiety go away.

Enjoy your sleep when you get some!!

Oh yea, I am definitely going to the Frontier House today. They're serving baked fish, veggie medley, and pears. Sounds damn good to me. I used to not eat fish, but I can stand it only at the Frontier House, because their fish is made right. Otherwise I can't stand the smell.

I'm going to be exercising like that again today. I'm so looking forward to it. They have an exercise program today at the Frontier House, so it will be good. I'm hoping to beat my 6 miles, and my 27 laps and my 180 calories. That would be awesome if I did. I know I am going further every single time I ride that exercise bike so that's a good thing.

I took a long nap after Jeopardy. I just barely got up. My mom called me around 10ish and said goodnight. I stayed awake a couple extra minutes, because I'd had a strange and weird as hell dream and it was kind of a nightmare, too. So I was trying to catch my bearings with that. Then I fell back to sleep until just a bit ago. I woke up from yet again, another nightmare. Ugh. So now I am still real tired. I'm about ready to hit the sack again. I need to be fully rested to get to the Frontier House today and get that exercise in and that wonderful dinner in my stomach. I need a shower, so I probably should get up a bit earlier(before 10 or so) and get one in(I like to take a shower, then get out and air dry and then get dressed). I smell like a dog. Yesterday when I got to the Frontier House I smelled like a wet dog(because it was raining), but that was a good smell. Smelling like dog doesn't really appeal to me unless it's smelling like a wet dog. I'm naturally used to smelling like a dog, but other people get sick of it quick. Hey, smelling like dog is my natural scent, so yea. Enough of that though. All I am saying is that I am going to get a shower in before I leave. Simple as that.

I need to finish my book. I am almost done. It's pretty good. I just got past a really sensitive part of it. It's good though. It's a romance novel, but the sensitive part is where they had to save some lives before a fire killed everyone in a compound that was actually being used as some sort of commune/harem(whatever u want to call it). It's kinda weird. U'd have to read it. It's the Thunder Point series by Robyn Carr-it's called The Hero. Her books are just amazing! I just started reading them like last year. Now I just adore her stuff.

Well I better finish that book and then run along to bed so that I get some sleep to go to the Frontier House and get that shower in, too. Even if I don't get the shower in, I will still head to the Frontier House. I'm definitely looking forward to it, either which way.

So I went to the Frontier House today. I had lunch(no fish, because the breading looked suspicious; I had a salad again). I helped with organizing the bank(not much with that, just helping with counting the money that was in it). I exercised too. I didn't get much time in, though. 18 minutes, 10 laps, and 69 calories burnt. Real pathetic. I wasn't tired or nothing. I ended up catching the last route 6 bus(blue), and ended up transferring to route 5(orange) at 32nd and 11th. Then I ended up catching the final route 4 bus(green; my bus), to get home. I have been home since 6.45.

My best friend was at the Frontier House today! He got there around 2.30, but that's alright. He didn't see me until like the time I was headed to the basement for exercise class. I told him I was going to go downstairs, and asked him to join, but he said no thanks, so I told him to give me a bit, and I would hang out with him and we'd go across the street. So I did my exercise(no, that's not why I couldn't do no more exercises after 18 minutes), and then we went across the street. I only spent $12.40 out of the $17-some I had on my food stamp card. I let him grab some sodey pop(a 2litre) for us to share, and then I got some cheese hot dogs for us to munch, and got him a couple of snackies too. I also got us a dessert, but we both decided that we should probably pick a different dessert next time(he got a huge rush of high fructose corn syrup). We are going to lunch at Perkins day after tomorrow(he's going to call when he's on his way). I think it's his turn to treat(we take turns each time we go for lunch). So that will be great. We were going to go to Canton's but he brought up Perkins, and I suggested we go there instead of Canton's. So that's where we're going for lunch. He's going to come over here and then we'll catch the next bus. Anyhoo's...His grandkids are good(the grandkitties). He's really entertained by them. He's got 11 little kitten stars now(including the grown up kitten stars). I know he's considered an animal hoarder now, but I suggested he get the males spayed so that they don't spray and don't get the little girls pregnant. So I am sure he will think it over and find a way to pay for it. I explained also about the benefits of getting the males spayed rather than neutered. So I am sure he'll probably take my advice.

When I got back home, I checked my mail(like I usually do). I was thinking "today I will have a magazine in my mailbox". Guess what I find in my mailbox when I open it? Not one, but TWO magazines! My Country Living magazine, and my Classic Trains Magazine! In the Classic Trains magazine, the trains that were featured the most in it(I looked at it real quick) were steamers! That and the classic "F" series diesels! So awesome! So I will definitely be reading that!

Suppertime will be soon, and I am now really hungry! So I best be figuring out what I am going to have for supper. I really don't feel like cooking again tonight, so we shall see what I end up deciding to have.

Tomorrow for dinner at the Frontier House is some sort of Mexican Casserole. I forgot what the two sides were. I am looking forward to it! Tomorrow sometime after the unit meeting and before FAC, they will put out the leftover meals and leftovers from the meals from this week, so I will definitely see what there is that I can grab, so I have stuff to munch this weekend. FAC tomorrow(and every 1st day of every month) is bdays and bingo. Definitely am looking forward to that. There's a different FAC planned for every Friday from 4-6 in the afternoon, except the 1st Friday of the month, and that's a special day because that's the day for the bdays and bingo. If a holiday lands on a Friday(like Samhain), then there's a special holiday themed FAC. Saturdays, sometimes, they go somewhere. Day after tomorrow, they're going to Denver to an art museum. It's free, but I didn't sign up. So I won't go. I didn't want to go anyways. There will be other opportunities for me to go on Saturdays. Usually I don't go because my dad picks me up on Saturdays, then I have to watch my show at 10. I do like to participate in the FAC stuff. Sometimes, if it's not something I want to participate in, I usually utilize that time to screw around on the internet. I know that now, when they do FAC's like that, then I will be in the basement exercising. Or playing Uno with one of the other members. They have Thanksgiving meal around a few days before the Thanksgiving holiday, and it's awesome! They pretty much halt the work ordered day around 11am and they don't resume it until like 3pm. It's awesome!

Well, supper's not going to fix itself, so I will come back later to post some.

I am glad you got to see your friend! It sounds like you got a lot done.
Sorry about the nightmares but you did get some sleep in at least. Hope tonight is better (or when you sleep next).

I have just been busy with errands, groceries, my dogs and my guinea pigs...they are mad at me because they need their cage cleaned (it really isn't bad but they are spoiled).

It is odd but I feel a bit better the past few days. Surely, the prozac isn't working already? I was told at least 4 weeks like all anti-depressants, but it could take 6 weeks.

Need to get some things done...as you said Anime, supper won't fix itself.

Hope everyone is having a good Friday.

My best friend was at the Frontier House again today. Lunch was really great! I didn't really do much today except sit and read. That was about it. They didn't need much help with anything. FAC was awesome, but I only won once. That part sucked.

Went to super with my mom and I got my favourite dish(of course I hadn't had it in awhile, and I had been craving it). So that was good.

No movie again, even though they had one going on in the park. It wasn't the right movie and it wasn't the right park. My mom didn't want to see the movie that was being played tonight, but I did. So we ended up picking up her roommate, my sister Maddie, and my daughter, and going downtown to go trainwatching for awhile. One actually came through while we were sitting there!

I got home about 9ish. I had to literally race through getting the mail, and up the stairs to my house, and opening the door. I realllllyy had to use the bathroom. I then did that and went into my bedroom and put on my pajamas. I have been sitting on the 'puter ever since.

I have been having heartburn all day today. I have no idea what's up with that. It's crazy.

Guinea pigs are soooo cute! What kind of dogs do u have? Names? Boys or Girls? I love animals, so I know the feeling of having to spoil the furkids rotten. They deserve it.

Anime,

It sounds like you are very dependent on someone (your mother) who gives you a lot of verbal grief and biching.

I have a hard time consistently going to be before midnight and, after that hour, there's not very many people, if anyone, with whom I can call and talk.

Having your mother call and say goodnight every night sounds like a lot of dependency, particularly if she says things that you find unreasonable and unpleasant.

When I was driving, I, too, liked accidents, so I can relate with your mother on that part. It's an ill behavior and attitude that some of us have.

My therapist encourages me to take my sleepy medication early so that I can be in bed by a reasonable hour, say, eleven PM or midnight.

P.

Anime,
I just read the book Codependency for Dummies. It was Great!! Its the kind of relationship that my marriage turned into when I became mentally I'll. I had social anxiety , generalized anxiety, panic disorder, bipolar, and possible PTSD. After 5 years I scared my husband of 14 years off. He couldn't do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it because I would throw a fit so it wasn't worth it for him. He could've handled it in a different manner and sought marriage counseling a couple years ago when he 1st noticed it. But that wasn't something he wanted to do to save the marriage. It was just as much his fault as it was mine. I just wish I would've known before he was at his wits end.

Tell your mom you only want her to call you once a week to say goodnight. Or something to that effect. Unless of course you like her calling? I don't want you to end up alone like me.

Elie, the whole Codependency topic was an eye opener for me. However, it hasn't really changed my patterns of behaviour all that much but sometimes it helps just being aware of what I am doing.

Anime, I see it as your Mom being the codependent one, not you (if anyone). The way she she sometimes talks to you.

It sounds like you are keeping busy. I am glad you have seen your friend and been to Frontier House a few times. And exercising! That is awesome.

I have just been blah and tired.
I have 2 dogs, a husky and a lab both girls and both are 2 yrs old. My husky dog has serious heart problems and I have to keep her calm as much as possible. Thankfully, our house IS pretty quiet.

Need to go do last night's dinner dishes so I can make dinner tonight. That is a bad cycle I have going (letting the dishes sit).

Hope the week is off to a good start for everyone.

Went to Frontier House again today. Didn't help out with anything, just sat and read my book(Romeo & Juliet), until about 3 this afternoon. I had dinner(12pm), too. It was amazing! I did really great on my workout on the exercise bike, too. 7.2 miles, 212 calories burnt, 38 minutes, and 29 laps! I got home and I was exhausted to the point of no return.

I paid my rent this evening. After a good supper of Subway. I had the flatizza. It's kinda new, but I loooove it! It's amazing! I got the pepperoni one. I also got a thing of Sea Salt & Vinegar tater chips along with it, as well as a medium Cherry Coke. It was real good.

Aww, uv got great puppy breeds. They're so cute! What color lab do u have? Huskies are adorable! To me they remind me so much of a wolf. So beautiful! My other best guy friend has a husky, and she's so beautiful(he sent me a pic of her one time). Haha, and get this. Her name is also Bella! So appropriate!

Speaking of Bella. My little angel is doing good. She's so sweet, and does well on car rides, unlike her aunt Madison. Go figure. Bells is just a good kid overall, that's for sure.

I have been getting a lot of heartburn lately, and the heartburn has been turning into sharp chest pains. I wonder what that's about? I've never had that happen to me before. Just now, my whole body felt like it was on fire. I wonder what's up with that? Just the other day I was in the kitchen, just having a normal conversation with myself and I started ticking. That morning I also had seizures before I woke up and got out of bed. Uhoh?

Here's the chart data.

Acid reflux maybe? might want to check with your dr. It sounds like something that should be checked.

My lab is black (she is actually a mix but looks mostly lab). My guinea pigs name is Bella! It IS a good name.

I don't feel good today. Might be back later but need to go for now. Take care.

No idea on the acid reflux thing. I was prescribed Prevacid a few years ago for severe heartburn. I haven't been taking it for a couple of years. I should be taking it, but I have no more pills left and I have no refills on it. I know I need to quit being a dumb*** about it and get my arse up there to Sunrise and see about both getting into an appt for my physical health AND to get the results of my Depakote levels.

Went to the Frontier House today. Ate half my salad today(got full too quick, and put too many bacon bits on it; next salad I have, no bacon bits for me). Ran a members' Daily Note over to the Kitchen Unit. Did my exercises. There was s'pposed to be a class today at 3, but the staff member who was going to run it, was getting ready for tomorrow's camping trip(some members are going camping for a few days until Friday). I did my exercises nonetheless of the class not happening. I burned 267 calories, ran 37 laps, cycled for 47 minutes, and rode 9 miles. I also managed to keep my heart rate for exercising within my normal range(145). I was limping up the stairs afterward, but it was well worth it. Then I had a treat and me and another member played with a balloon for bit. Then she took off then I signed out and left. I rode the bus back downtown and caught my bus. Then I rode the bus until the last run(6.40), and went home.

Now I am home. Since getting home, I have taken out a box of Hamburger Helper, and a roll of ground beef. I have set the box of Hamburger Helper on the counter, cleared out the dishes that were in the left side of the sink, rinsed out the sink(it looked unsanitary for soaking the roll of meat in), ran the water until with was uber hot, plugged up the sink, put the roll of meat in the sink, and let the sink fill up to almost full(the sink drains no matter how plugged I have it with the plug in), then turned it off and am leaving it alone for awhile. So I have supper planned for the night. OOPS I forgot to put out a can of green beans. Crap. Ah well...They'll just be put into the Hamburger Helper anyways. Anyhoos...I have been watching/listening to the telly while being on the internet, as well, since I got home.

Aww, a black lab? My sister(younger, not related), her black lab passed away just recently. Her name was Jewel. I know she had a great life, but I miss her(I really got to know her). My sister has a yellow lab named Sally and boy is she rambunctious! I love that about Sally though. A pup's personality is always amazing. Bella is the number one girls' name out there! I read the statistics and that's what I recently found out. Maddie was like number 2 or number 8, can't remember. Funny how that all ends up, huh?

I'm sorry u don't feel well. I understand how that is. I hope u feel better soon!

Anime I'm glad you went to Frontier House. Sounds like a really healthy place to go to.

I have a black lab named Gracie and a golden retriever mix named Lucy. Unfortunately I have to give up my dogs due to the divorce. I need to leave them at home as they have 5 acres to run and play in. I'd hate for them to always have to be on a leash and the city I hope to move to there's no free roaming dog park. It will be weird taking my daily walk without at least 1 of my dogs.

I still haven't found the right place. Most of the 1s that are open are in bad neighborhoods which is why they're so cheap. A lot of breakins into the apartments and cars. I can't afford full coverage on my car o I would lose everything.

Please pray that I find a place that is just right for me. Its going to be hard to live without Dean on a daily time frame. Even this morning he came into my room and gave me a kiss goodbye and told me he loved me. It makes me feel wanted but I know I'm not. Which makes it that much harder.

Anime you need to make this a 2nd post so we don't have to scroll so far to read the last posts. Please. :-). Thanks!!

Keep up the good work Anime. I do hope you can get in to see a regular Dr for your heartburn. Is there anything else you need checked out? Try to write it all down so you get it all covered. Good luck. You're in my prayers.

The Frontier House is a very healthy place to go. It's through North Range, so that's good for me. It gets me out of the house.

Aww...sorry u can't bring ur furkids with u when u move. I know how important they are to u.

I used to live right across the street from a Rite Aid store. Yea, so there were problems sometimes, but not too many emergency engines going by. Now, I have to put up with the fire engines and ambulances and police vehicles going by everytime there's a dang emergency. Ugh. Not to mention my neighbours were actually a lot more quieter at my old apt(minus the ones below me in my best friend's old apt, but even then I didn't mind it as much). Now I have to deal with rattletraps of a vehicle every 2 hours, and people slamming doors and dropping heavy crap on the floor above me. Oh, and the kids screaming and their parents letting them scream until finally they yell and scream at them and hit them. It drives me nuts! The only thing I really like about this apt is that there's 2 washer machines and 2 dryers for laundry in the laundry room, and there's a pool in the backyard. If the last apt hadn't gotten infested by my ex's mom bringing all her stuff there, I would still be living in that apt now. I didn't mind the fact that my window was busted out(just the glass). I didn't mind the claw foot tub I only used for showers(look what I am doing now, still taking showers when I could just utilize the tub for baths as well as showers). Also when I lived there, I could have Bella over for a visit or even just to stay a weekend, and it wouldn't bug the property manager much(the building owner doesn't like dogs much, but he didn't mind if they were just visiting; I asked the property manager about her intake on dogs and she said she didn't mind them and that she liked the fact that dogs were good family members). Yea...Another thing is, is that I bet that rent over there right now hasn't gone up much. This place has gone from $665 to $690. Ugh. My electric fluctuates from $25 to $30 each month, and my gas...I don't have much of a gas bill because I have been failing to take showers everyday like I am s'pposed to.

I have my thoughts on u. Have had thoughts on u for a long time now, as far as u getting that apt is concerned. It's time someone said "alright, u can move in!", and also that the rent is fair, and that it's on the right side of town, and there's not much criminal activity around. Also the neighbours need to be friendly/decent, as well. I have decent neighbours, at least on my floor(2nd).

I'd rather keep it in this post. Easier for me. That way it doesn't confuse other people to think that an updated problem has arisen just now. If u know what I mean?

Yea would be great if I could just get a prescription for that Prevacid, then I wouldn't have to be like...Um...I can't afford the OTC version because I only end up with 6 bucks left on my SSI card, and I need that for pills. The prescription version would be better because then I could get it at the pharmacy and it'd be cheaper(probably a dollar). I have too many things to get "checked out" it ain't even funny anymore. Eh. I'm sure I can manage without a list.

Here's the chart data.

Elie, have you thought about putting an ad somewhere stating a quiet, neat, responsible adult is looking for a place? Around here people would be thrilled to find someone like you since it is mostly college students.

Anime, hope all is well. Any movies or plans for the weekend?

My dog has been sick. She is doing better now. I have just been stressed and tired and not up to writing much. I haven't even written in my journal. Will try to do better.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

I'm alright. I went shopping yesterday, as my food stamps came in. I spent like $173 or so on food alone out of my $189. I had $5 extra in food stamps this month that was leftover from last month, so that's a good thing. There were some food items that I could've gone without. I tried something new today that they were giving out as samples. It was a yogurt thing with a cup of cereal on top, and u put the cereal in the yogurt and mix it in and it's like having a bowl of cereal, except that it's yogurt and cereal. They didn't have my Juicy Juice. I dunno what happened there. It's sad they're doing away with most of the stuff I like and that I grew up on. They only had their brand of my fat free skim milk, and I know that I better use it up in 2 weeks, or I am literally screwed for moo juice. The store brand only lasts 2 weeks, regardless of the due date or the type percentage. I got some ground turkey instead of ground beef this time because I compared prices of the two, and ground turkey is $2some and the ground beef is $4some, so yea u get it there. Ground turkey is better in price. I got a bottle of V8 low sodium 'mater juice and also a bottle of V8 Vfusion Blueberry Pomegranate juice. I got Diet Caffeine Free Pepsi. I got 2 bags of Texas Toast croutons. I got a large(not too large) bag of iceberg lettuce salad. I got a bottle of Wish Bone Rubusto Italian dressing. I got 7 telly suppers. I got a box of frozen breakfast sammiches(southern chicken biscuit). I got 2 boxes of 2 different appetizers. I got 5 more Totinos party pizzas. I got a bag of grapes and a bag of cherries. I got 4 apple dippers with caramel and peanuts. I got 3 healthy snack packs(consisting of cheese, almonds, carrots and apple slices). I got lots of cans of Progresso soup. I got 2 soups on the go. I got 5 cans of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni. I got 2 Tai Pei meals. I got 4 boxes of Skinny Cow treats. I got 3 Ice Breakers Duo mints containers. I got an Ice Breakers Cubes pack of gum. For my bullsh*t items(drinks), I got a bottle of water, a Xing Tea(Mango), and a Mountain Dew Kickstart(Black Cherry). Then I spent an extra $1.70 on a Woman's World magazine, so my mom had something to look at while waiting for the movie to start.

I saw The Princess Bride last night in the park. Since I have seen this time like a lot of times, I knew all of the scenes. I kept telling my mom "oh, this is going to be a good part" or "this is a good part" or "this is my favourite part" or "it gets even better". My mom sure as hell loved the movie. She sure as hell cracked up at all the funny scenes, too. On the way home, she ruined the good moment by bringing up the train that we went on last month on the 19th. She told me to ask my dad if he saw the pic she sent him of me up in Cheyenne. Then she told me to tell him all about meeting the mayor and everything like that. That really annoyed me. She knows that he doesn't check his texts. She also knows that I told him all about the train ride. Yet she wants me to do this anyways? What gives? Ugh.

Today I will be going with my dad to breakfast, then coming home and waiting awhile for my show to come on telly. Then I will watch my show. After that, my mom will pick me up(oh yay me I have to put up with her again) and we'll go to a park(I guess, that's what she said) and meet up with family(her side), and it's one of my cousin's kids' bday party. So yea. It'll be short, which is lucky, but still...I'm going to be bored...That kinda crap is boring. After all that, I will come back home, and vacuum, and clean my kitchen and take out the trash. Then I will feed my Kindle(right now, it's at 40%). I will most likely edit my iPod(boy does it need a fresh list of songs). Maybe I'll try to nap. I'll for sure put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher and put the dirty ones in and run a load. I'll do laundry(hopefully I will have time today). I'll watch telly and take care of my dragons. I'll watch a movie on Netflix, and then I will proceed to watch my favourite show on Netflix(after taking my nighttime pills). I will likely fall asleep(as normal), then wake up around 2 hours later. I might not, though because I will watch Naruto at 2 and 4.30 in the morning. We shall see. I know Sundays I can make it 'til 5 in the morning on Sundays.

Tomorrow I will watch Naruto at 2 and again at 4.30 in the morning, then head to bed. I will sleep in, because it's a weekend. It's also the start of a new week tomorrow. I'll most likely do chores that I didn't get done today. I will take care of my dragons and make supper. I will watch Guy's Grocery Games. I will watch the new episode of Pokémon X & Y on demand. I will watch Cutthroat Kitchen(an awesome cooking show on Food Network). I will most likely watch my show on Netflix until I take my nighttime meds
and then the weekly process starts all over again.

I have been reading a really good book this week. It's called Cracked. It's really good. It's mental health-related. It's about two boys and how their home life ended up leading them to attempting suicide. It landed them both in the hospil, and one of them had OD'd, the other one used a weapon to try to end his life. They both get a 5 day suicide watch(which I don't get because the minimum is 3, which doesn't add up; the hospil they were in was a minimum security hospil, so they should have had 3 days plus the decision of discharge from a shrink), and are told that they can't have any visits until their 4th day of being admitted. They were also told that everyone that gets admitted doesn't get visitation rights until day 4. They were told by staff that they don't get their clothes at all during their stay(even after their clothes are inventoried). They are given sweats to wear instead(instead of the hospil issued scrubs that we're made to put on before they contact the hospil we're being transferred over to, if we're not doing a direct walk in). Anyhoo's...They have a hard time at first getting adjusted to the fact that they're in the hospil because they attempted to end their lives, and that they need to get through the 5 days before the doctor talks to them and determines if they're ready for discharge. In the end, they get discharged, and one of the boys goes back to his parent's home, and the other one goes to live with the guy that works in the cemetery. It's a great book, and I recommend it. I forgot who wrote it, but it's awesome. I recommend it.

I wrote in my journals(mood and regular; offline) the other day. It was literally a month and a day before that, that I had wrote in them. I really need to keep up with that.

Other than that, I am doing okay. I'm just figuring a lot of stuff out. I dunno what, but I am just figuring stuff out. When I did my exercise on Thursday, my pulse rate spiked at 188 from start to finish. I dunno what that could be from. Or what's causing it. I need a kids' lunch pail so I can bring food from home sometimes, so that I am not always spending $2.20 on my large salad meal at the Frontier House. I'm sick of bringing grocery bags with food in them, too. While I was at the city yesterday, I looked for one, but couldn't find one. So I asked one of the chicks that worked there, and she told me to look in the back to school section. I asked her where that was, and she gave me the directions. I went over there, and searched like half a million times, and I didn't see them. I went over to the electronics/movies/video games/music player section, and asked one of the dudes that was over there. He had to call someone up just to find out info on it. Ugh. When he hung up, he told me that it would either be in the back to school section, the sporting section, or the grocery section of the store. So back to the back to school section I went. I looked about another half a million times, and then right as I was about to go and scope out the grocery section, my mom's roommate calls me to tell me he's on his way to the city to pick me up and help me get my groceries back to my house. So after we hung up, I basically said f it and abandoned my search for a lunch pail. I also told myself while I was in the check out line that I would come back later or go to another store where they'd be sure to have one, and see what ones they have and how much money I will be throwing out the door, when I spend it on a lunch pail. Ugh, the story of my life.

Here's the chart data.

I should not be here...oh f*** I should not be here...why didn't the neighbours just call on me and have it over with already? I am NOT okay.....

Anime, what is going on?? Share with us. Thinking of you.

Okay...

What happened, u ask?

Well...

My mom invited me out to supper yesterday. She picks me up at 5. We no sooner get close to Sanborn Park(we were heading to Loveland for supper), and she brings up my apt's cleanliness(she didn't really ask, she yells about it). I told her I was working on keeping it kept up each day(I told her that I was doing a little each day and when it needed to be done-i.e., doing the dishes and putting them away when they need to). Then she started screaming at me, triggering an episode. I didn't go right away into it, and at that point I could've, but I didn't. I calmly told her to calm down and talk in a normal tone. Then she screamed at me "I AM SPEAKING TO U IN A CALM TONE AND UR THE ONE THAT IS NOT SPEAKING CALMLY TO ME!!!". So, I told her I was calmly talking to her and to calmly talk to me(I had to repeat this twice, but it didn't do no good). Then she screamed at me "THAT'S IT! U DON'T DESERVE TO EAT! UR NOT WORKING AT ALL ON THE APT AND U DON'T DESERVE TO EAT AT ALL UNTIL IT'S FULLY CLEAN TO MY STANDARDS AND NOT URS!". Ugh. That's when it triggered me and that was when the episode starting. I told her I had been talking calmly up to her in a calm tone up 'til that point, and she just kept screaming over me about my apt and about how uncalm I had been since I had gotten in the car(I was NOT uncalm when I had gotten into the car, I was actually calm and in a good mood, even though I was sick all day after I got home from breakfast with my dad). I, not controlling myself and in my episodic negativity and going off myself, told her basically "then take me to the ER and let me handle this!". I also told her "sure I will get the apt clean but still afterwards I will need to pack up and call u up and have u blubber on the phone to the 911 dispatch office that a mental health pick up is needed at ur daughters address". She kept screaming at me. I told her, finally, with this threat to her face "i will commit suicide after I get the apt clean the no one will have to deal with telling me about my apt and won't have to worry about me having to admit myself once every year when I need it and I won't have mental illness anymore". Now, u would've thought she would've taken that threat seriously, and turned the car around and drove my suicidal, episode-having arse over to the ER and dropped me off. She didn't. She just took me straight home. Like I needed that when I had pills that I could just OD on or knives to self harm with. I was very, very, very, VERY unsafe yesterday when she brought me home. I almost just stayed outside and had the episode until it was done but I was totally unsure what neighbours had their windows open to hear it, so I just went off for 3 minutes and as I went inside and up the stairs to my house. The episode didn't stop for like 2.5 hours, and then after the episode was done, the floodgates refused to close. Around 8, I had cried too many tears that I cried myself to sleep. I woke up and didn't feel better at all. I started on picking up my apt(trash first), but in the middle of picking up, forget it. My mom calls and goes off on me again. All about the chores and crap. Threatening me(yet again) to cut me off from the internet and cable. Ugh. F*** that sh*t. 'Scuse my French. So again, I went into another loud as hell episode, on the phone, and trying to talk to my mom at the same time about stuff. I told her that as soon as I am done and when I tell her it's clean then she will end up with a courtesy call from me, telling her it's clean and to call the emergency number or google the number for Mountain Crest to send a ride over to pick me up. Then screamed "I JUST WANT U TO GET IT DONE!!!". I told her that if I start up on it again after she gets off the phone(I was in the episode telling her this), that I will throw things into where they belong, instead of calmly cleaning and putting things away. I asked her which would she rather have, me being uncalm and throwing things while I clean and put things away, or me being calm and calmly cleaning and putting things away. What did she do? She just repeated while screaming, the same thing-to just get the f***ing thing done. I repeated myself at least more than a dozen times the same thing, and got the same answer. Finally, after repeating it that many times she just abruptly hung up on me. I called her back and asked her again. She screamed at me CALMLY and I said be specific next time and she got all butthurt(whatever at this point I don't give a royal f*** what happens with her emotions, since she likes to f*** with mine most the time). Ugh. So as soon as we got off the phone again, I kept repetitively calling her(12 times, like my repetitive question). No answer, but whatever. I had one more thing to tell her is to call authorities and lie to them about everything to do with my mental health and make it seem like I'm not even stable on pills themselves and tell them that the last time she put me on an involuntary that she was told by staff members at that hospil that the next time I went in and blamed her(regardless if it was a trigger for the episode), that I was to be kept against my will without a court order/section for a month. She never answered, but whatever. After those calls not really being picked up I just kept having the episode. It took me literally from 10(when it started) until like 12ish in the morning today. Afterwards I just didn't feel good mentally. I have been depressed ever since. I have been, however, picking up my apt since I got up, and this morning before Naruto(at 2am, I didn't make the 4.30am one). I got the trash well taken care of, and my next thing is vacuum, and then after that find a home for my canned stuff, then wipe down the counters/stove, then sweep the kitchen, then mop the kitchen, then clean out my cupboards, and then do some organizing. Of course, all of these with breaks.

Yea, all that said, I am NOT doing well at all.

Here's the chart data.

Wow...your mom does it again. All I can think is that she is TOXIC for you so often. She should not have that kind of control over you. It makes me sad to read about how she treats you. I hope you know it is not your fault. She has issues and if you were to read about co-dependency, I think you would see your mom.

Do you need a break from your mom or do you need to be in-patient? You must do what is right for you. It is your choice.

When I have cleaning to do, I put my MP3 player on. What I listen to is reflective of my mood usually. I can lose myself in music though. Can you listen to music or watch TV while you clean?

Take care!

See, she's the one putting up with my electric bill(even though it's in my name), and my gas bill(which goes directly to the property manager to turn it into the proper area), and my cable and my internet. My dad is the lucky one, he pays my phone bill, but I don't have the problems with him. Just my mom. Craziness. Stupidness, too. Anyhoo's. I have to have internet(besides on my phone), and I have to have telly(for my show on Saturday mornings and also my other shows on other days). I have to have Netflix as well, but it automatically pays itself every month(off my expenses-SSI card). So right now I am left with like at least $6 on my SSI card every month. Only barely enough for the prescription pills, and then I have to figure out how to afford the Vitex and the Prenatal Vitamins. I have to also figure out how to be able to buy soap for showers and toilet paper and trash bags(not to mention female sh*t products for when and IF I have it). So yea...She's a headache.

I know it's my decision, and I made the decision Saturday to have her take me there, have her call on me and just be done with it. Then I would have no choice but to stay for the full 3 days and then choose discharge if I wanted. I would also not have "level", if I went to ATU, to leave after the 3 days, if the shrink on call and assigned to me says I shouldn't have that leave, even though I have my own place. That's what involuntary admit basically means for ATU. Being able to have "level" and be able to come and go to ATU as I please during and after my 3 day stay(if I choose to stay longer, which that's a no because ATU sucks), is for the ones on voluntary. Now Fort Collins is different. Since I am not a resident of the town, I will NOT have that kind of thing, but I don't think they have that option anyways. Only Greeley has that option. Yea..I basically told her to turn the car around and take me to either Fort Collins or take me to the ER at NCMC here in Greeley and let them take care of it. She didn't. She just took me home.

I can't do diddly squat when I am angry/upset or having an episode. That's why I couldn't get it done and then before that I had been trying to get it started and somehow it just didn't happen.

Going to the food bank today. I'm excited to see what I'm getting in my food box and what foods on my commodities I get. I'm a little scared though, because I can't find the proof of address that I used the last time, and it has my correct last name on it(to match up with the last name on my state ID). I'm scared that I will get denied because of it. I mean I have the proof of address, but the last name doesn't match the one on my ID. I will show both and hopefully they will let me go through. They used to only want my ID and that's it. Now they want both. Used to be when they wanted both was when ur first started out and getting registered into their system. Ugh. So annoying.

Here's the chart data again.

Oh..yeah, I forgot about your mom helping you with your expenses. That does make it difficult. Hopefully, you are feeling a bit better now. Maybe going out today will help.

Good luck at the food bank. Let us know how you make out.

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time w your mom. I forgot she helps w your expenses too. So she wants what she wants when she wants it even if it sends you into an episode. That's crazy.

I agree w Just men. She is codependent on you!! That's a lot of pressure to put on anyone with a mental illness.

How did you do at the food bank? I hope you got stuff you like. Let us know.

You're always in my prayers!!

Food bank...I made out like a bandit again!

Here's what I got:

In the food box that I kept(I give away the stuff I don't use or don't like): boxed milk, 2 cans of canned cranberry juice(makes about 2litres each), 4 boxes(!!!) of raisins, a can of mixed veggies, a can of pears, a can of apricots, 2 bags of store brand Rice Crispies cereal(!!!), a can of cream of mushroom soup, a can of green beans, a can of sweet peas.

In commodities(that I kept): 1 out of 2 cabbages, green beans, a case of yogurt(!!!), strawberries(!!!), squash(!!!), nectarines, 3 2litre bottles of grapefruit sodey pop(!!!), a dozen cackleberries, a small box of choco chip cookies(!!!), 2 different kinds of loaves of bread, a small cluster of bananas(ate a banana already!).

I also got: a bag of taters, a can of salmon, a thing of peanut butter, a small bag of beans, 3 bell peppers, radishes(and they were HUGE), cantaloupe.

I was told I could bring in my magazines, because they still have my current address on it. So next time I go, I will definitely remember that. So that's a good thing. I didn't get denied, so I'm happy about that.

I went to my mom's(she is at work, but her roommate took me there so that way I could drop off the stuff I didn't want or that I would eat over there-I sometimes go over there for supper; tonight I am going over there for one of my favourite foods, porcupines yum!). Saw my daughter and saw Maddie. Those two kids! I hold Bella(she's my "squirmy worm"-she squirms a lot when I hold her) first, and she just loads me up on the kisses and hugs. Then I hold Maddie, and she does the same thing! Yup, those kids sure do love me to death. Bella's so cute. Everytime I hold her and give her hugs and kisses she always makes this cute little happy cry thing. It's cute. Maddie won't quit kissing(this usually gets her into trouble when she does that in the presence of my mom). Love those two. Maddie's my sister and Bella is my little girl(not so little anymore, but still). Cute kids.

Early this morning(around 1 in the morning), I did my cleaning. I probably woke the neighbours up downstairs(I dunno, maybe I did, maybe I didn't), with my vacuum going at that time. I cleaned up my kitchen counters and swept the kitchen floor. I was plumb tuckered out by the time 2.30 hit. I took my meds and 30 minutes later I was in my bed and gone. Craziness. I got it done, though. It looks a lot better. All I need to do now is the laundry(hoping I get it done). I plan on doing that this afternoon. I offered up to my mom's roommate to take him to lunch if he found a good point to take a lunch break(he has a buttload of stuff to do around the house, so yea). I also told him that if he couldn't make lunch, it's okay, and we could always do coffee later. He said okay. I told him to just give me a call. I ain't doing nothing today anyways. Actually, I am thinking about going back to bed after I finish eating my breakfast and taking my pills. Just for an hour or so. Maybe. Or I might watch Netflix, or see if my games on Facebook are working(they weren't working last couple of days so I couldn't play with my dragons). I dunno. I'm still deciding on that.

I also have to go to Sunrise this week and see about getting the results of my Depakote bloodwork and mail it off to my shrink. Ugh. Stupid people up at Sunrise. Dumbarses. They suck. I mean, how could they NOT get my results faxed over to my shrink? Ugh. Now I have to do it. I have to mail it off to her. This sucks balls.

So I probably haven't mentioned it, but I not have a lunch pail for when I go to the Frontier House! It's an Anime one! Hello Kitty! Not really what I was thinking of when I thought of a lunch pail, but it'll do. It's cute, actually. It's perfect for bringing treats, or something good to eat for lunch sometimes.

WooHoo! You did make out well with your food! And your lunch pail. It is a great idea to be able to pack your snacks and/or lunch sometimes.

I am running around trying to do 10 things at once. I will check in later! Hope it is a good day.

I overslept today, so I didn't make it to the Frontier House. I did, however, ride the bus from 1.30 'til 6.45(the bus was late in picking me up after it left the mall). After I got home, I got my clothes organized(had some stuff I don't wear in the summer that needed to be taken out of the laundry container), and ready for the wash. Well, that didn't go to well. After organizing and getting down to the laundry room, someone had the first washer machine occupied, so I was like alright, no problem. I see that the other washer is open(my usual translations is that it's free to use), so I zip right in to take advantage of washing my stuff. Ugh. What do I find? Murky water! Not sure if someone's stuff was in there, or if there was a water back up or something, but it looked absolutely disgusting. I gave up and lugged my laundry back up the stairs. I will try again tomorrow evening, and this time not dawdle on the bus(ride until 6.45). As soon as that bus leaves the mall, I will get off at my stop right away, so that way I get to the washer machines/dryers first. I need my swim trunks to be clean for this weekend, and I also need to have them clean so that way I can go swimming Thursday after I get home from Frontier House(hoping the weather holds out nicely). I also need clean tank tops, because I have been wearing the same purple on(the one with the elastic around the bottom), for the last few weeks, nonstop. I also need my pants(the lighter colour ones) to be clean as well, as I haven't washed them in over a month(just like the tank tops and my swim trunks). I have a couple of hoodies that I want cleaned as well, and a BUNCH of washrags that need to be washed, along with some towels. Ugh. And one of my skirts needs to be washed, too. Ugh what a pain. This is what I get for not washing my clothes at least once a week, every week. I used to be great at doing my laundry once a week, on the same day every week, on routine. Ugh. I'm such a disappointment.

I didn't buy the lunch pail. I made the stupid arse mistake of telling my mom that I was looking for a lunch pail while I was grocery shopping at the city. She got me a Hello Kitty one at King Stupid. I'm appreciative, but I was wanting to buy this one on my own. I'm just stubbourn and I know that it's a cycle I probably am not willing to break(can't tell personally if it's a good one or not).

This morning around 12 I was watching Netflix, and I kept nodding off. It happened to end up being around 1.30 when I fell asleep in front of it. I didn't wake up until like 3. I think it had a lot to do with the 2 choco chip cookies and the glass of moo juice that I had consumed right before chillaxing in front of Netflix. Good nap. I ended up waking up round 3 with terrible munchies. So I went to the kitchen and grabbed a gogurt and a can of cheese pringles and a fresh 32oz of water. I sat in front of the telly with my computer on my lap, the news on MSNBC, and the food going into my mouth. Craziness.

Here's the chart data.