One Man's Draft Suicide Note
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August 7, 2014 - 7:32 am
As to the following, I would appreciate your comments and observations:
Monday, August 04, 2014
I am considering suicide because:
• The sun is out, but I don’t feel like going to the beach, to swim or to eat.
• I’ve been angrier at the puppy over the last few days and less patient.
• I have a hard time falling asleep and I fall asleep thinking about suicide unless the dog is there next to me, to distract me.
• My bills are high and my income low and I’m spending 15% of my income on therapy. I’m not sure I’m benefitting from therapy, because I don’t have any plans about which to feel enthusiastic and I don’t feel enthusiastic about the coming day unless I have plans.
• I don’t care whether I work in So and So’s office or not, really. I just want to see it realized or not realized, just to have closure on the possibility.
• My therapist is not making concrete suggestions about what I can do with my life, except that I should buy some material and have someone make a suit for me, since the suits off the rack no longer fit me as a result of my massive belly.
• I’ve gained eight kilos since I started therapy, cooking food for myself in the house.
• I have friends, but I feel empty and pointless.
Based on reading some suicide note images at Google, it seems that when people think about suicide and suicide notes, there are some general areas with which they are typically concerned and that they discuss in these notes:
1. How will others feel about the suicide, for example, guilt, anger at the deceased, shame, disbelief?
2. The person committing suicide makes an effort to explain or detail the motives and also to help the survivors to understand the motives.
3. There are typically feelings of undervaluing oneself, believing that others will be better off, disabused, less concerned once the suicide has happened and the circumstances surrounding it have come to closure.
4. Sometimes the person committing suicide expresses anger or other feelings of disappointment in particular people, the relationships which may have contributed to the suicidal person’s sense of failure, worthlessness and despondency.
5. Sometimes, people committing suicide express that they are simply tired of the mental illness that has led to the suicide, be it bipolar disorder, chronic clinical depression, or another mental or physical illness.
6. We wonder how our suicide will be interpreted by a variety of people and this may encourage or discourage the suicide itself.
7. We wonder how well people will get along without us and whether our suicide will hurt them in any real or lasting way.
In this suicide note, I’ll try to take each of the above areas in turn, giving them my thoughts without being able to resolve them completely, and also discounting some areas of thought that I think are or should be deemed irrelevant in general or in my particular case.
1. I imagine that my siblings will be happy that I have finally resolved any question of my suicide by going ahead and doing it. Although the pain (or joy) may last for a day, they will eventually simply get used to living without me, as they have over these last thirteen years that I have lived in XXX and XXX. My therapist says that she would feel a sense of professional failure and would also miss me as a person whom she likes.
My dog would miss me, as XXX-DOG did when I gave her away, and I would have to be sure to find him a good home before I took the final step. XXX would feel a sense of failure that my religious convictions weren’t sufficient to save me and his personal victory in my conversion would be brought into question. He might believe that he should have given me greater attention. The pastor’s feelings and those of other members of men’s groups would probably be similar.
2. In explaining my motives, I would simply say that I have been depressed since I was seven years old and medication that I’ve taken since 1992 simply has not been successful in relieving the depression and stopping the bipolar cycle that is so painful and frustrating. Anyone who knows me well would know that I had taken many steps over the years to deal with the difficulties I’ve had and simply have not been sufficiently successful.
Another reason to commit suicide is professional frustration and the related problem of lack of sufficient income to pay debts and maintain a decent lifestyle. In my case, the symptoms of depression and hypomania have prevented me from practicing law successfully and with a minimum of pain and confusion, and this is yet another reason for me to take my own life.
3. I’m certain that my dog would miss me for a time if I commit suicide. On the other hand, she has only known me for a week, is a puppy, and could commit to another owner without terrible pain. The XXXX family knows that I have struggled with these issues and thoughts throughout the decade they have known me and would not be entirely surprised to learn that I was no more.
Perhaps the biggest difficulty would be in maintaining contact with in XXX afterward. I think some people, such as XYZr, XYZ, women friends at church and other close contacts would feel some surprise and grief, but quickly get used to it, as they do when others die in car accidents, of cancer and etc. None of these people is a family member and that would provide a buffer for them.
4. There is no one to blame for my suicide, although my siblings could have shown more sibling-like concern, instead of holding me up financially associated with my depression. But, that was one of many circumstances in my life and not very important generally. It just showed me the kind of siblings they were willing and able to be. I think I can say generally that my remaining siblings didn’t really like me much and I have no love lost for them, no matter what they might say to the contrary.
5. Perhaps the relative most likely to be affected would be my nephew, Sean, because my death by suicide would tend to legitimize suicide in his eyes, since he suffers with the same mental illness.
6. One of the biggest difficulties I have in committing suicide is that I have lived my life very publicly at times, gaining friends and enemies simultaneously. I have little contact with those enemies now. XYZ has experienced suicide in his life. He and XPS are the people I have been closest to over the last decade. I honestly don’t know how they would feel and how they would confront my death, except to remark about the fact that I had talked about killing myself pretty regularly over the years.
7. There is no one except my dog who depends upon me at this time, and so this is an optimal time to commit suicide in that respect.
All in all, I believe people would get used to my suicide and then forget about it altogether. My relatives no longer contact me. I have limited my network of friends. If I committed suicide in a way that would prevent it from being any more than a local issue, then it’s entirely possible that no one in the United States would EVER find out what happened to me, just as no one knows what happened to XYZZ and his mother (now deceased) seems to have been the only person who particularly concerned herself with the matter.
It is unusual that I have written all of the above without discussing the manner of suicide, since normally I get wound up in the manner too much to concern express myself clearly and distinctly about all of these other preoccupations.
The best way to kill myself would be to shoot myself in the mouth, but I don’t have a gun. The second-best method would be by hanging from a long rope that would break my neck or decapitate me, so that the method would be clear and sure. I would much prefer to be decapitated by a guillotine, but that would require maintaining the suicidal determination over the time it took to purchase materials, make the guillotine, and then decide to actually use it.
Gunshot to the mouth with a shotgun or large-bore pistol is well-known to be the quickest, most painless and most sure way to die by one’s own hand, but it requires access to a firearm.
I appreciate any first-hand experience with the above, either as someone who has successfully committed suicide (though there may be few such people among you) or as someone who has written or read a suicide note, or whatever.
P.
Monday, August 04, 2014
I am considering suicide because:
• The sun is out, but I don’t feel like going to the beach, to swim or to eat.
• I’ve been angrier at the puppy over the last few days and less patient.
• I have a hard time falling asleep and I fall asleep thinking about suicide unless the dog is there next to me, to distract me.
• My bills are high and my income low and I’m spending 15% of my income on therapy. I’m not sure I’m benefitting from therapy, because I don’t have any plans about which to feel enthusiastic and I don’t feel enthusiastic about the coming day unless I have plans.
• I don’t care whether I work in So and So’s office or not, really. I just want to see it realized or not realized, just to have closure on the possibility.
• My therapist is not making concrete suggestions about what I can do with my life, except that I should buy some material and have someone make a suit for me, since the suits off the rack no longer fit me as a result of my massive belly.
• I’ve gained eight kilos since I started therapy, cooking food for myself in the house.
• I have friends, but I feel empty and pointless.
Based on reading some suicide note images at Google, it seems that when people think about suicide and suicide notes, there are some general areas with which they are typically concerned and that they discuss in these notes:
1. How will others feel about the suicide, for example, guilt, anger at the deceased, shame, disbelief?
2. The person committing suicide makes an effort to explain or detail the motives and also to help the survivors to understand the motives.
3. There are typically feelings of undervaluing oneself, believing that others will be better off, disabused, less concerned once the suicide has happened and the circumstances surrounding it have come to closure.
4. Sometimes the person committing suicide expresses anger or other feelings of disappointment in particular people, the relationships which may have contributed to the suicidal person’s sense of failure, worthlessness and despondency.
5. Sometimes, people committing suicide express that they are simply tired of the mental illness that has led to the suicide, be it bipolar disorder, chronic clinical depression, or another mental or physical illness.
6. We wonder how our suicide will be interpreted by a variety of people and this may encourage or discourage the suicide itself.
7. We wonder how well people will get along without us and whether our suicide will hurt them in any real or lasting way.
In this suicide note, I’ll try to take each of the above areas in turn, giving them my thoughts without being able to resolve them completely, and also discounting some areas of thought that I think are or should be deemed irrelevant in general or in my particular case.
1. I imagine that my siblings will be happy that I have finally resolved any question of my suicide by going ahead and doing it. Although the pain (or joy) may last for a day, they will eventually simply get used to living without me, as they have over these last thirteen years that I have lived in XXX and XXX. My therapist says that she would feel a sense of professional failure and would also miss me as a person whom she likes.
My dog would miss me, as XXX-DOG did when I gave her away, and I would have to be sure to find him a good home before I took the final step. XXX would feel a sense of failure that my religious convictions weren’t sufficient to save me and his personal victory in my conversion would be brought into question. He might believe that he should have given me greater attention. The pastor’s feelings and those of other members of men’s groups would probably be similar.
2. In explaining my motives, I would simply say that I have been depressed since I was seven years old and medication that I’ve taken since 1992 simply has not been successful in relieving the depression and stopping the bipolar cycle that is so painful and frustrating. Anyone who knows me well would know that I had taken many steps over the years to deal with the difficulties I’ve had and simply have not been sufficiently successful.
Another reason to commit suicide is professional frustration and the related problem of lack of sufficient income to pay debts and maintain a decent lifestyle. In my case, the symptoms of depression and hypomania have prevented me from practicing law successfully and with a minimum of pain and confusion, and this is yet another reason for me to take my own life.
3. I’m certain that my dog would miss me for a time if I commit suicide. On the other hand, she has only known me for a week, is a puppy, and could commit to another owner without terrible pain. The XXXX family knows that I have struggled with these issues and thoughts throughout the decade they have known me and would not be entirely surprised to learn that I was no more.
Perhaps the biggest difficulty would be in maintaining contact with in XXX afterward. I think some people, such as XYZr, XYZ, women friends at church and other close contacts would feel some surprise and grief, but quickly get used to it, as they do when others die in car accidents, of cancer and etc. None of these people is a family member and that would provide a buffer for them.
4. There is no one to blame for my suicide, although my siblings could have shown more sibling-like concern, instead of holding me up financially associated with my depression. But, that was one of many circumstances in my life and not very important generally. It just showed me the kind of siblings they were willing and able to be. I think I can say generally that my remaining siblings didn’t really like me much and I have no love lost for them, no matter what they might say to the contrary.
5. Perhaps the relative most likely to be affected would be my nephew, Sean, because my death by suicide would tend to legitimize suicide in his eyes, since he suffers with the same mental illness.
6. One of the biggest difficulties I have in committing suicide is that I have lived my life very publicly at times, gaining friends and enemies simultaneously. I have little contact with those enemies now. XYZ has experienced suicide in his life. He and XPS are the people I have been closest to over the last decade. I honestly don’t know how they would feel and how they would confront my death, except to remark about the fact that I had talked about killing myself pretty regularly over the years.
7. There is no one except my dog who depends upon me at this time, and so this is an optimal time to commit suicide in that respect.
All in all, I believe people would get used to my suicide and then forget about it altogether. My relatives no longer contact me. I have limited my network of friends. If I committed suicide in a way that would prevent it from being any more than a local issue, then it’s entirely possible that no one in the United States would EVER find out what happened to me, just as no one knows what happened to XYZZ and his mother (now deceased) seems to have been the only person who particularly concerned herself with the matter.
It is unusual that I have written all of the above without discussing the manner of suicide, since normally I get wound up in the manner too much to concern express myself clearly and distinctly about all of these other preoccupations.
The best way to kill myself would be to shoot myself in the mouth, but I don’t have a gun. The second-best method would be by hanging from a long rope that would break my neck or decapitate me, so that the method would be clear and sure. I would much prefer to be decapitated by a guillotine, but that would require maintaining the suicidal determination over the time it took to purchase materials, make the guillotine, and then decide to actually use it.
Gunshot to the mouth with a shotgun or large-bore pistol is well-known to be the quickest, most painless and most sure way to die by one’s own hand, but it requires access to a firearm.
I appreciate any first-hand experience with the above, either as someone who has successfully committed suicide (though there may be few such people among you) or as someone who has written or read a suicide note, or whatever.
P.
Current medications as of 08-07-2014
| 10-30-1986 - Present: | Alcohol (beer, vodka, etc.), 0.000001. NEVER |
| 10-30-1986 - Present: | Marijuana, 0.000000000001. NEVER |
| 08-11-2007 - Present: | Valium/diazepam, 5mg. Rarely, only if trouble sleeping at night. |
| 08-29-2012 - Present: | Seroquel/quetiapine, 100mg. Every night (or early morning) right before I go to sleep. |
| 10-02-2012 - Present: | MiniPress (Prazosin), 1mg at night. 10:00 PM |
| 10-06-2012 - Present: | Seroquel/quetiapine, 200mg. 10PM |
| 10-31-2012 - Present: | MiniPress (prazosin), 2mg. One hour before bedtime. |
| 10-31-2012 - Present: | Seroquel/quetiapine, 400mg. One hour before bedtime. |
| 11-19-2012 - Present: | Seroquel (quetiapine), 800mg. 10:00PM (1 hour before bed) |
| 12-28-2012 - Present: | Seroquel (quetiapine), 800mg. Each night at 10PM |
| 01-07-2013 - Present: | Lithium, 300mg. At night, with quetiapine and carbemazepine, |
| 02-07-2013 - Present: | Inositol Capsules, 4x500mgcapsules. At night, before bed. |
| 05-10-2013 - Present: | Lithium, 900mg. 450mg AM, 450PM |
| 05-14-2013 - Present: | Seroquel, 600mg. night |
| 06-02-2013 - Present: | Lithium, 1,000mg. 500 morning, 500 night |
| 07-09-2013 - Present: | Depakote, 500mg. 250mg, 12 + 12hrs, after morning & night meals |
| 07-29-2013 - Present: | Lithium, 2x300mg. 300 morn, 300 night |
| 03-17-2014 - Present: | Seroquel, 250 mg. 22:00 hours |
| 06-01-2014 - Present: | Diazepam, 10mg. before bed |
| 07-31-2014 - Present: | Lamotrogine, 25mg. before bed |
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
As to the following, I would appreciate your comments and observations:
Monday, August 04, 2014
I am considering suicide because:
• The sun is out, but I don’t feel like going to the beach, to swim or to eat.
• I’ve been angrier at the puppy over the last few days and less patient.
• I have a hard time falling asleep and I fall asleep thinking about suicide unless the dog is there next to me, to distract me.
• My bills are high and my income low and I’m spending 15% of my income on therapy. I’m not sure I’m benefitting from therapy, because I don’t have any plans about which to feel enthusiastic and I don’t feel enthusiastic about the coming day unless I have plans.
• I don’t care whether I work in So and So’s office or not, really. I just want to see it realized or not realized, just to have closure on the possibility.
• My therapist is not making concrete suggestions about what I can do with my life, except that I should buy some material and have someone make a suit for me, since the suits off the rack no longer fit me as a result of my massive belly.
• I’ve gained eight kilos since I started therapy, cooking food for myself in the house.
• I have friends, but I feel empty and pointless.
Based on reading some suicide note images at Google, it seems that when people think about suicide and suicide notes, there are some general areas with which they are typically concerned and that they discuss in these notes:
1. How will others feel about the suicide, for example, guilt, anger at the deceased, shame, disbelief?
2. The person committing suicide makes an effort to explain or detail the motives and also to help the survivors to understand the motives.
3. There are typically feelings of undervaluing oneself, believing that others will be better off, disabused, less concerned once the suicide has happened and the circumstances surrounding it have come to closure.
4. Sometimes the person committing suicide expresses anger or other feelings of disappointment in particular people, the relationships which may have contributed to the suicidal person’s sense of failure, worthlessness and despondency.
5. Sometimes, people committing suicide express that they are simply tired of the mental illness that has led to the suicide, be it bipolar disorder, chronic clinical depression, or another mental or physical illness.
6. We wonder how our suicide will be interpreted by a variety of people and this may encourage or discourage the suicide itself.
7. We wonder how well people will get along without us and whether our suicide will hurt them in any real or lasting way.
In this suicide note, I’ll try to take each of the above areas in turn, giving them my thoughts without being able to resolve them completely, and also discounting some areas of thought that I think are or should be deemed irrelevant in general or in my particular case.
1. I imagine that my siblings will be happy that I have finally resolved any question of my suicide by going ahead and doing it. Although the pain (or joy) may last for a day, they will eventually simply get used to living without me, as they have over these last thirteen years that I have lived in XXX and XXX. My therapist says that she would feel a sense of professional failure and would also miss me as a person whom she likes.
My dog would miss me, as XXX-DOG did when I gave her away, and I would have to be sure to find him a good home before I took the final step. XXX would feel a sense of failure that my religious convictions weren’t sufficient to save me and his personal victory in my conversion would be brought into question. He might believe that he should have given me greater attention. The pastor’s feelings and those of other members of men’s groups would probably be similar.
2. In explaining my motives, I would simply say that I have been depressed since I was seven years old and medication that I’ve taken since 1992 simply has not been successful in relieving the depression and stopping the bipolar cycle that is so painful and frustrating. Anyone who knows me well would know that I had taken many steps over the years to deal with the difficulties I’ve had and simply have not been sufficiently successful.
Another reason to commit suicide is professional frustration and the related problem of lack of sufficient income to pay debts and maintain a decent lifestyle. In my case, the symptoms of depression and hypomania have prevented me from practicing law successfully and with a minimum of pain and confusion, and this is yet another reason for me to take my own life.
3. I’m certain that my dog would miss me for a time if I commit suicide. On the other hand, she has only known me for a week, is a puppy, and could commit to another owner without terrible pain. The XXXX family knows that I have struggled with these issues and thoughts throughout the decade they have known me and would not be entirely surprised to learn that I was no more.
Perhaps the biggest difficulty would be in maintaining contact with in XXX afterward. I think some people, such as XYZr, XYZ, women friends at church and other close contacts would feel some surprise and grief, but quickly get used to it, as they do when others die in car accidents, of cancer and etc. None of these people is a family member and that would provide a buffer for them.
4. There is no one to blame for my suicide, although my siblings could have shown more sibling-like concern, instead of holding me up financially associated with my depression. But, that was one of many circumstances in my life and not very important generally. It just showed me the kind of siblings they were willing and able to be. I think I can say generally that my remaining siblings didn’t really like me much and I have no love lost for them, no matter what they might say to the contrary.
5. Perhaps the relative most likely to be affected would be my nephew, Sean, because my death by suicide would tend to legitimize suicide in his eyes, since he suffers with the same mental illness.
6. One of the biggest difficulties I have in committing suicide is that I have lived my life very publicly at times, gaining friends and enemies simultaneously. I have little contact with those enemies now. XYZ has experienced suicide in his life. He and XPS are the people I have been closest to over the last decade. I honestly don’t know how they would feel and how they would confront my death, except to remark about the fact that I had talked about killing myself pretty regularly over the years.
7. There is no one except my dog who depends upon me at this time, and so this is an optimal time to commit suicide in that respect.
All in all, I believe people would get used to my suicide and then forget about it altogether. My relatives no longer contact me. I have limited my network of friends. If I committed suicide in a way that would prevent it from being any more than a local issue, then it’s entirely possible that no one in the United States would EVER find out what happened to me, just as no one knows what happened to XYZZ and his mother (now deceased) seems to have been the only person who particularly concerned herself with the matter.
It is unusual that I have written all of the above without discussing the manner of suicide, since normally I get wound up in the manner too much to concern express myself clearly and distinctly about all of these other preoccupations.
The best way to kill myself would be to shoot myself in the mouth, but I don’t have a gun. The second-best method would be by hanging from a long rope that would break my neck or decapitate me, so that the method would be clear and sure. I would much prefer to be decapitated by a guillotine, but that would require maintaining the suicidal determination over the time it took to purchase materials, make the guillotine, and then decide to actually use it.
Gunshot to the mouth with a shotgun or large-bore pistol is well-known to be the quickest, most painless and most sure way to die by one’s own hand, but it requires access to a firearm.
I appreciate any first-hand experience with the above, either as someone who has successfully committed suicide (though there may be few such people among you) or as someone who has written or read a suicide note, or whatever.
P.
Monday, August 04, 2014
I am considering suicide because:
• The sun is out, but I don’t feel like going to the beach, to swim or to eat.
• I’ve been angrier at the puppy over the last few days and less patient.
• I have a hard time falling asleep and I fall asleep thinking about suicide unless the dog is there next to me, to distract me.
• My bills are high and my income low and I’m spending 15% of my income on therapy. I’m not sure I’m benefitting from therapy, because I don’t have any plans about which to feel enthusiastic and I don’t feel enthusiastic about the coming day unless I have plans.
• I don’t care whether I work in So and So’s office or not, really. I just want to see it realized or not realized, just to have closure on the possibility.
• My therapist is not making concrete suggestions about what I can do with my life, except that I should buy some material and have someone make a suit for me, since the suits off the rack no longer fit me as a result of my massive belly.
• I’ve gained eight kilos since I started therapy, cooking food for myself in the house.
• I have friends, but I feel empty and pointless.
Based on reading some suicide note images at Google, it seems that when people think about suicide and suicide notes, there are some general areas with which they are typically concerned and that they discuss in these notes:
1. How will others feel about the suicide, for example, guilt, anger at the deceased, shame, disbelief?
2. The person committing suicide makes an effort to explain or detail the motives and also to help the survivors to understand the motives.
3. There are typically feelings of undervaluing oneself, believing that others will be better off, disabused, less concerned once the suicide has happened and the circumstances surrounding it have come to closure.
4. Sometimes the person committing suicide expresses anger or other feelings of disappointment in particular people, the relationships which may have contributed to the suicidal person’s sense of failure, worthlessness and despondency.
5. Sometimes, people committing suicide express that they are simply tired of the mental illness that has led to the suicide, be it bipolar disorder, chronic clinical depression, or another mental or physical illness.
6. We wonder how our suicide will be interpreted by a variety of people and this may encourage or discourage the suicide itself.
7. We wonder how well people will get along without us and whether our suicide will hurt them in any real or lasting way.
In this suicide note, I’ll try to take each of the above areas in turn, giving them my thoughts without being able to resolve them completely, and also discounting some areas of thought that I think are or should be deemed irrelevant in general or in my particular case.
1. I imagine that my siblings will be happy that I have finally resolved any question of my suicide by going ahead and doing it. Although the pain (or joy) may last for a day, they will eventually simply get used to living without me, as they have over these last thirteen years that I have lived in XXX and XXX. My therapist says that she would feel a sense of professional failure and would also miss me as a person whom she likes.
My dog would miss me, as XXX-DOG did when I gave her away, and I would have to be sure to find him a good home before I took the final step. XXX would feel a sense of failure that my religious convictions weren’t sufficient to save me and his personal victory in my conversion would be brought into question. He might believe that he should have given me greater attention. The pastor’s feelings and those of other members of men’s groups would probably be similar.
2. In explaining my motives, I would simply say that I have been depressed since I was seven years old and medication that I’ve taken since 1992 simply has not been successful in relieving the depression and stopping the bipolar cycle that is so painful and frustrating. Anyone who knows me well would know that I had taken many steps over the years to deal with the difficulties I’ve had and simply have not been sufficiently successful.
Another reason to commit suicide is professional frustration and the related problem of lack of sufficient income to pay debts and maintain a decent lifestyle. In my case, the symptoms of depression and hypomania have prevented me from practicing law successfully and with a minimum of pain and confusion, and this is yet another reason for me to take my own life.
3. I’m certain that my dog would miss me for a time if I commit suicide. On the other hand, she has only known me for a week, is a puppy, and could commit to another owner without terrible pain. The XXXX family knows that I have struggled with these issues and thoughts throughout the decade they have known me and would not be entirely surprised to learn that I was no more.
Perhaps the biggest difficulty would be in maintaining contact with in XXX afterward. I think some people, such as XYZr, XYZ, women friends at church and other close contacts would feel some surprise and grief, but quickly get used to it, as they do when others die in car accidents, of cancer and etc. None of these people is a family member and that would provide a buffer for them.
4. There is no one to blame for my suicide, although my siblings could have shown more sibling-like concern, instead of holding me up financially associated with my depression. But, that was one of many circumstances in my life and not very important generally. It just showed me the kind of siblings they were willing and able to be. I think I can say generally that my remaining siblings didn’t really like me much and I have no love lost for them, no matter what they might say to the contrary.
5. Perhaps the relative most likely to be affected would be my nephew, Sean, because my death by suicide would tend to legitimize suicide in his eyes, since he suffers with the same mental illness.
6. One of the biggest difficulties I have in committing suicide is that I have lived my life very publicly at times, gaining friends and enemies simultaneously. I have little contact with those enemies now. XYZ has experienced suicide in his life. He and XPS are the people I have been closest to over the last decade. I honestly don’t know how they would feel and how they would confront my death, except to remark about the fact that I had talked about killing myself pretty regularly over the years.
7. There is no one except my dog who depends upon me at this time, and so this is an optimal time to commit suicide in that respect.
All in all, I believe people would get used to my suicide and then forget about it altogether. My relatives no longer contact me. I have limited my network of friends. If I committed suicide in a way that would prevent it from being any more than a local issue, then it’s entirely possible that no one in the United States would EVER find out what happened to me, just as no one knows what happened to XYZZ and his mother (now deceased) seems to have been the only person who particularly concerned herself with the matter.
It is unusual that I have written all of the above without discussing the manner of suicide, since normally I get wound up in the manner too much to concern express myself clearly and distinctly about all of these other preoccupations.
The best way to kill myself would be to shoot myself in the mouth, but I don’t have a gun. The second-best method would be by hanging from a long rope that would break my neck or decapitate me, so that the method would be clear and sure. I would much prefer to be decapitated by a guillotine, but that would require maintaining the suicidal determination over the time it took to purchase materials, make the guillotine, and then decide to actually use it.
Gunshot to the mouth with a shotgun or large-bore pistol is well-known to be the quickest, most painless and most sure way to die by one’s own hand, but it requires access to a firearm.
I appreciate any first-hand experience with the above, either as someone who has successfully committed suicide (though there may be few such people among you) or as someone who has written or read a suicide note, or whatever.
P.
Current medications as of 08-07-2014
| 10-30-1986 - Present: | Alcohol (beer, vodka, etc.), 0.000001. NEVER |
| 10-30-1986 - Present: | Marijuana, 0.000000000001. NEVER |
| 08-11-2007 - Present: | Valium/diazepam, 5mg. Rarely, only if trouble sleeping at night. |
| 08-29-2012 - Present: | Seroquel/quetiapine, 100mg. Every night (or early morning) right before I go to sleep. |
| 10-02-2012 - Present: | MiniPress (Prazosin), 1mg at night. 10:00 PM |
| 10-06-2012 - Present: | Seroquel/quetiapine, 200mg. 10PM |
| 10-31-2012 - Present: | MiniPress (prazosin), 2mg. One hour before bedtime. |
| 10-31-2012 - Present: | Seroquel/quetiapine, 400mg. One hour before bedtime. |
| 11-19-2012 - Present: | Seroquel (quetiapine), 800mg. 10:00PM (1 hour before bed) |
| 12-28-2012 - Present: | Seroquel (quetiapine), 800mg. Each night at 10PM |
| 01-07-2013 - Present: | Lithium, 300mg. At night, with quetiapine and carbemazepine, |
| 02-07-2013 - Present: | Inositol Capsules, 4x500mgcapsules. At night, before bed. |
| 05-10-2013 - Present: | Lithium, 900mg. 450mg AM, 450PM |
| 05-14-2013 - Present: | Seroquel, 600mg. night |
| 06-02-2013 - Present: | Lithium, 1,000mg. 500 morning, 500 night |
| 07-09-2013 - Present: | Depakote, 500mg. 250mg, 12 + 12hrs, after morning & night meals |
| 07-29-2013 - Present: | Lithium, 2x300mg. 300 morn, 300 night |
| 03-17-2014 - Present: | Seroquel, 250 mg. 22:00 hours |
| 06-01-2014 - Present: | Diazepam, 10mg. before bed |
| 07-31-2014 - Present: | Lamotrogine, 25mg. before bed |
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
August 7, 2014 - 6:01 pm
Total Posts: 213
Joined: 01-31-2014
Joined: 01-31-2014
Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems and it will wound your family and friends for the rest of their lives I know this first hand as my father killed himself when I was 15 years old , there are still unanswered questions and what if's should's and could's that can never be answered .
PLEASE SEEK HELP !!!!!!!
PLEASE SEEK HELP !!!!!!!
Medications for July 8, 2014 to August 7, 2014
 |
|
“Verily, with hardship there is relief.” (94:6)
“Peace be upon you, because you peresevered in patience! Excellent indeed is the final home!” (13:24)
“O’ you who believe! Seek help in patience and the Prayer.” (2:153)
Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems and it will wound your family and friends for the rest of their lives I know this first hand as my father killed himself when I was 15 years old , there are still unanswered questions and what if's should's and could's that can never be answered .
PLEASE SEEK HELP !!!!!!!
PLEASE SEEK HELP !!!!!!!
Medications for July 8, 2014 to August 7, 2014
|
|
“Verily, with hardship there is relief.” (94:6)
“Peace be upon you, because you peresevered in patience! Excellent indeed is the final home!” (13:24)
“O’ you who believe! Seek help in patience and the Prayer.” (2:153)
August 7, 2014 - 10:20 pm
Total Posts: 1532
Joined: 08-11-2012
Joined: 08-11-2012
dpressed,
When I tell people I'm thinking about suicide perhaps naturally they want to talk me out of it. But, that's not what I need. I need to talk about why I want to commit suicide.
Your response makes me think that if I ever do commit suicide I should inform others of my intention beforehand and ask them if they have any questions about my motives and "shoulds and coulds". Maybe I could get some kind of closure with people similar to what happens when a person has cancer and works through it with hospice people the fact that the person is inevitably going to die.
Tonight, I've been talking with people for maybe three hours and I still don't feel as if I've talked with enough people. I guess that means I'm needy. I could talk to God, except that he and I had a falling out and we're not on speaking terms.
I have been talking with my puppy and he seems to give me his undivided attention.
It's 1:00 AM and I should be in bed trying to sleep (last night I didn't get any sleep at all), but instead of trying to sleep I'm trying to think of someone I can talk to, even if I have to call a crisis line.
Today I was recalling my brother asking me if one of my calls to him was a "cry for help". After all the grief I went through as a child being ridiculed by this brother for crying, I wasn't about to admit that I was crying for any reason.
I had an epiphany tonight. When I call people what I am doing is sending out a "distress signal". I am in distress and I am telling people about it. That's perfectly appropriate, because it's what ship and jet captains do when THEY are in distress. They call out and say, "We're in distress." It's an implicit request for whatever help is available, but it is not the manipulative act of a weakling.
When I tell people I'm thinking about suicide perhaps naturally they want to talk me out of it. But, that's not what I need. I need to talk about why I want to commit suicide.
Your response makes me think that if I ever do commit suicide I should inform others of my intention beforehand and ask them if they have any questions about my motives and "shoulds and coulds". Maybe I could get some kind of closure with people similar to what happens when a person has cancer and works through it with hospice people the fact that the person is inevitably going to die.
Tonight, I've been talking with people for maybe three hours and I still don't feel as if I've talked with enough people. I guess that means I'm needy. I could talk to God, except that he and I had a falling out and we're not on speaking terms.
I have been talking with my puppy and he seems to give me his undivided attention.
It's 1:00 AM and I should be in bed trying to sleep (last night I didn't get any sleep at all), but instead of trying to sleep I'm trying to think of someone I can talk to, even if I have to call a crisis line.
Today I was recalling my brother asking me if one of my calls to him was a "cry for help". After all the grief I went through as a child being ridiculed by this brother for crying, I wasn't about to admit that I was crying for any reason.
I had an epiphany tonight. When I call people what I am doing is sending out a "distress signal". I am in distress and I am telling people about it. That's perfectly appropriate, because it's what ship and jet captains do when THEY are in distress. They call out and say, "We're in distress." It's an implicit request for whatever help is available, but it is not the manipulative act of a weakling.
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
dpressed,
When I tell people I'm thinking about suicide perhaps naturally they want to talk me out of it. But, that's not what I need. I need to talk about why I want to commit suicide.
Your response makes me think that if I ever do commit suicide I should inform others of my intention beforehand and ask them if they have any questions about my motives and "shoulds and coulds". Maybe I could get some kind of closure with people similar to what happens when a person has cancer and works through it with hospice people the fact that the person is inevitably going to die.
Tonight, I've been talking with people for maybe three hours and I still don't feel as if I've talked with enough people. I guess that means I'm needy. I could talk to God, except that he and I had a falling out and we're not on speaking terms.
I have been talking with my puppy and he seems to give me his undivided attention.
It's 1:00 AM and I should be in bed trying to sleep (last night I didn't get any sleep at all), but instead of trying to sleep I'm trying to think of someone I can talk to, even if I have to call a crisis line.
Today I was recalling my brother asking me if one of my calls to him was a "cry for help". After all the grief I went through as a child being ridiculed by this brother for crying, I wasn't about to admit that I was crying for any reason.
I had an epiphany tonight. When I call people what I am doing is sending out a "distress signal". I am in distress and I am telling people about it. That's perfectly appropriate, because it's what ship and jet captains do when THEY are in distress. They call out and say, "We're in distress." It's an implicit request for whatever help is available, but it is not the manipulative act of a weakling.
When I tell people I'm thinking about suicide perhaps naturally they want to talk me out of it. But, that's not what I need. I need to talk about why I want to commit suicide.
Your response makes me think that if I ever do commit suicide I should inform others of my intention beforehand and ask them if they have any questions about my motives and "shoulds and coulds". Maybe I could get some kind of closure with people similar to what happens when a person has cancer and works through it with hospice people the fact that the person is inevitably going to die.
Tonight, I've been talking with people for maybe three hours and I still don't feel as if I've talked with enough people. I guess that means I'm needy. I could talk to God, except that he and I had a falling out and we're not on speaking terms.
I have been talking with my puppy and he seems to give me his undivided attention.
It's 1:00 AM and I should be in bed trying to sleep (last night I didn't get any sleep at all), but instead of trying to sleep I'm trying to think of someone I can talk to, even if I have to call a crisis line.
Today I was recalling my brother asking me if one of my calls to him was a "cry for help". After all the grief I went through as a child being ridiculed by this brother for crying, I wasn't about to admit that I was crying for any reason.
I had an epiphany tonight. When I call people what I am doing is sending out a "distress signal". I am in distress and I am telling people about it. That's perfectly appropriate, because it's what ship and jet captains do when THEY are in distress. They call out and say, "We're in distress." It's an implicit request for whatever help is available, but it is not the manipulative act of a weakling.
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
August 8, 2014 - 11:10 am
Total Posts: 868
Joined: 06-12-2011
Joined: 06-12-2011
Dear Persistence,
I personally have missed your presence on MoodTracker these past few months. I was worried you drowned on on of your long swims. Now I see you have been struggling instead.
I have had my nephew and three friends commit suicide. Two were not close friends, but regardless, it leaves a hole in what seems to be the fabric of life. I don't think anyone is ever forgotten. Yes, life goes on, but the memory stays. What I think about most is how life would be different for all of us had they chosen to stay alive.
I have thought about suicide many, many times. But since I found my therapist, I have lost those old feelings. Therapy can work. Trust your gut and find a new one.
I myself don't feel very important or like I even deserve friends. I don't have many friends, and cannot think of a single reason why they should care about me. But they do. I am sure your friends do too. You have a wonderful personality, but do suffer so.
Do you still believe in an afterlife? I think there is good evidence of an afterlife. I personally have seen two spirits in my life. Plus there are near death experiences to take into account. If you believe in at least the Old Testament and/or the New Testament of the bible, it is pretty clear there is a heaven and hell. Most religions believe that.
One unsettling thought I always had when contemplating suicide is what if I am miserable forever? What if I do go to hell? Don't I owe it to myself to stick it out in misery if there is a reward in heaven? Maybe God would forgive my suicide and I would be instantly happy if I died. But if he did not, I would be royally screwed for eternity. Would you want to spend an eternity like you are now? If you die naturally and go to heaven where there is no disease, you would no longer be bipolar, and have happiness.
I wish I could send you a magic pill that would make you happy. But, I cannot. I think swimming could help you right now.
So why are you not on speaking terms with God? Just curious.
I personally have missed your presence on MoodTracker these past few months. I was worried you drowned on on of your long swims. Now I see you have been struggling instead.
I have had my nephew and three friends commit suicide. Two were not close friends, but regardless, it leaves a hole in what seems to be the fabric of life. I don't think anyone is ever forgotten. Yes, life goes on, but the memory stays. What I think about most is how life would be different for all of us had they chosen to stay alive.
I have thought about suicide many, many times. But since I found my therapist, I have lost those old feelings. Therapy can work. Trust your gut and find a new one.
I myself don't feel very important or like I even deserve friends. I don't have many friends, and cannot think of a single reason why they should care about me. But they do. I am sure your friends do too. You have a wonderful personality, but do suffer so.
Do you still believe in an afterlife? I think there is good evidence of an afterlife. I personally have seen two spirits in my life. Plus there are near death experiences to take into account. If you believe in at least the Old Testament and/or the New Testament of the bible, it is pretty clear there is a heaven and hell. Most religions believe that.
One unsettling thought I always had when contemplating suicide is what if I am miserable forever? What if I do go to hell? Don't I owe it to myself to stick it out in misery if there is a reward in heaven? Maybe God would forgive my suicide and I would be instantly happy if I died. But if he did not, I would be royally screwed for eternity. Would you want to spend an eternity like you are now? If you die naturally and go to heaven where there is no disease, you would no longer be bipolar, and have happiness.
I wish I could send you a magic pill that would make you happy. But, I cannot. I think swimming could help you right now.
So why are you not on speaking terms with God? Just curious.
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.
- Jerome Lawrence
Dear Persistence,
I personally have missed your presence on MoodTracker these past few months. I was worried you drowned on on of your long swims. Now I see you have been struggling instead.
I have had my nephew and three friends commit suicide. Two were not close friends, but regardless, it leaves a hole in what seems to be the fabric of life. I don't think anyone is ever forgotten. Yes, life goes on, but the memory stays. What I think about most is how life would be different for all of us had they chosen to stay alive.
I have thought about suicide many, many times. But since I found my therapist, I have lost those old feelings. Therapy can work. Trust your gut and find a new one.
I myself don't feel very important or like I even deserve friends. I don't have many friends, and cannot think of a single reason why they should care about me. But they do. I am sure your friends do too. You have a wonderful personality, but do suffer so.
Do you still believe in an afterlife? I think there is good evidence of an afterlife. I personally have seen two spirits in my life. Plus there are near death experiences to take into account. If you believe in at least the Old Testament and/or the New Testament of the bible, it is pretty clear there is a heaven and hell. Most religions believe that.
One unsettling thought I always had when contemplating suicide is what if I am miserable forever? What if I do go to hell? Don't I owe it to myself to stick it out in misery if there is a reward in heaven? Maybe God would forgive my suicide and I would be instantly happy if I died. But if he did not, I would be royally screwed for eternity. Would you want to spend an eternity like you are now? If you die naturally and go to heaven where there is no disease, you would no longer be bipolar, and have happiness.
I wish I could send you a magic pill that would make you happy. But, I cannot. I think swimming could help you right now.
So why are you not on speaking terms with God? Just curious.
I personally have missed your presence on MoodTracker these past few months. I was worried you drowned on on of your long swims. Now I see you have been struggling instead.
I have had my nephew and three friends commit suicide. Two were not close friends, but regardless, it leaves a hole in what seems to be the fabric of life. I don't think anyone is ever forgotten. Yes, life goes on, but the memory stays. What I think about most is how life would be different for all of us had they chosen to stay alive.
I have thought about suicide many, many times. But since I found my therapist, I have lost those old feelings. Therapy can work. Trust your gut and find a new one.
I myself don't feel very important or like I even deserve friends. I don't have many friends, and cannot think of a single reason why they should care about me. But they do. I am sure your friends do too. You have a wonderful personality, but do suffer so.
Do you still believe in an afterlife? I think there is good evidence of an afterlife. I personally have seen two spirits in my life. Plus there are near death experiences to take into account. If you believe in at least the Old Testament and/or the New Testament of the bible, it is pretty clear there is a heaven and hell. Most religions believe that.
One unsettling thought I always had when contemplating suicide is what if I am miserable forever? What if I do go to hell? Don't I owe it to myself to stick it out in misery if there is a reward in heaven? Maybe God would forgive my suicide and I would be instantly happy if I died. But if he did not, I would be royally screwed for eternity. Would you want to spend an eternity like you are now? If you die naturally and go to heaven where there is no disease, you would no longer be bipolar, and have happiness.
I wish I could send you a magic pill that would make you happy. But, I cannot. I think swimming could help you right now.
So why are you not on speaking terms with God? Just curious.
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.
- Jerome Lawrence
August 8, 2014 - 5:43 pm
Total Posts: 1532
Joined: 08-11-2012
Joined: 08-11-2012
Why am I not on speaking terms with God? It's personal rather than philosophical. I think I've made a series of bad decisions over the years (as well as some good ones), but God should have known what I needed and given it to me instead of letting me make bad decisions and suffer so.
I know people say that we have libre albitro and the ability and authority to make our own decisions and live with the consequences, but if the world is based on cause and effect and God is just looking on as if he were watching a tennis match then what the hell do we need God for.
I feel angry at God. I used to think I had to get along with God because I'd be screwed without his presence. Now, I feel screwed anyway.
What can I say. Things haven't worked out and I'm mad at God about it.
I don't believe in Heavan and Hell, except here on Earth. If God would send somebody to Hell for eternity because he committed suicide then that's just one additional reason to see God as lacking compassion and as vengeful. Rather than believe in an all powerful God who lacks compassion and is vengeful, I prefer to believe that God simply doesn't exist or not in that form.
I hate God because I feel depressed and mentally ill and so did my father and so was my paternal grandmother. If there were a gracious God, he would have prevented all that.
Of course, I don't expect anyone else to see this the way I do, for my reasons or for any other reasons. As I said, my attitude is personal and not a bunch of ideas that I want others to adopt or even consider.
I hope heaven smells a little bit worse every time my dog craps on the floor of my apartment. haha
Sometimes when I'm in church, I feel like taking my Bible up on the dais ripping it to pieces in front of everyone, and then storming out of the church. At least it would be an honest reflection of my mood, for whatever that's worth in life.
I know people say that we have libre albitro and the ability and authority to make our own decisions and live with the consequences, but if the world is based on cause and effect and God is just looking on as if he were watching a tennis match then what the hell do we need God for.
I feel angry at God. I used to think I had to get along with God because I'd be screwed without his presence. Now, I feel screwed anyway.
What can I say. Things haven't worked out and I'm mad at God about it.
I don't believe in Heavan and Hell, except here on Earth. If God would send somebody to Hell for eternity because he committed suicide then that's just one additional reason to see God as lacking compassion and as vengeful. Rather than believe in an all powerful God who lacks compassion and is vengeful, I prefer to believe that God simply doesn't exist or not in that form.
I hate God because I feel depressed and mentally ill and so did my father and so was my paternal grandmother. If there were a gracious God, he would have prevented all that.
Of course, I don't expect anyone else to see this the way I do, for my reasons or for any other reasons. As I said, my attitude is personal and not a bunch of ideas that I want others to adopt or even consider.
I hope heaven smells a little bit worse every time my dog craps on the floor of my apartment. haha
Sometimes when I'm in church, I feel like taking my Bible up on the dais ripping it to pieces in front of everyone, and then storming out of the church. At least it would be an honest reflection of my mood, for whatever that's worth in life.
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
Why am I not on speaking terms with God? It's personal rather than philosophical. I think I've made a series of bad decisions over the years (as well as some good ones), but God should have known what I needed and given it to me instead of letting me make bad decisions and suffer so.
I know people say that we have libre albitro and the ability and authority to make our own decisions and live with the consequences, but if the world is based on cause and effect and God is just looking on as if he were watching a tennis match then what the hell do we need God for.
I feel angry at God. I used to think I had to get along with God because I'd be screwed without his presence. Now, I feel screwed anyway.
What can I say. Things haven't worked out and I'm mad at God about it.
I don't believe in Heavan and Hell, except here on Earth. If God would send somebody to Hell for eternity because he committed suicide then that's just one additional reason to see God as lacking compassion and as vengeful. Rather than believe in an all powerful God who lacks compassion and is vengeful, I prefer to believe that God simply doesn't exist or not in that form.
I hate God because I feel depressed and mentally ill and so did my father and so was my paternal grandmother. If there were a gracious God, he would have prevented all that.
Of course, I don't expect anyone else to see this the way I do, for my reasons or for any other reasons. As I said, my attitude is personal and not a bunch of ideas that I want others to adopt or even consider.
I hope heaven smells a little bit worse every time my dog craps on the floor of my apartment. haha
Sometimes when I'm in church, I feel like taking my Bible up on the dais ripping it to pieces in front of everyone, and then storming out of the church. At least it would be an honest reflection of my mood, for whatever that's worth in life.
I know people say that we have libre albitro and the ability and authority to make our own decisions and live with the consequences, but if the world is based on cause and effect and God is just looking on as if he were watching a tennis match then what the hell do we need God for.
I feel angry at God. I used to think I had to get along with God because I'd be screwed without his presence. Now, I feel screwed anyway.
What can I say. Things haven't worked out and I'm mad at God about it.
I don't believe in Heavan and Hell, except here on Earth. If God would send somebody to Hell for eternity because he committed suicide then that's just one additional reason to see God as lacking compassion and as vengeful. Rather than believe in an all powerful God who lacks compassion and is vengeful, I prefer to believe that God simply doesn't exist or not in that form.
I hate God because I feel depressed and mentally ill and so did my father and so was my paternal grandmother. If there were a gracious God, he would have prevented all that.
Of course, I don't expect anyone else to see this the way I do, for my reasons or for any other reasons. As I said, my attitude is personal and not a bunch of ideas that I want others to adopt or even consider.
I hope heaven smells a little bit worse every time my dog craps on the floor of my apartment. haha
Sometimes when I'm in church, I feel like taking my Bible up on the dais ripping it to pieces in front of everyone, and then storming out of the church. At least it would be an honest reflection of my mood, for whatever that's worth in life.
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
August 9, 2014 - 2:55 pm
Total Posts: 868
Joined: 06-12-2011
Joined: 06-12-2011
I have some philosopical comments in response to your remarks below . . .
God should have known what I needed and given it to me instead of letting me make bad decisions and suffer so." * If God did not allow us to have free will, there could never be love. God does know what you need, but sin, not necessarily yours, can prevent you from getting the things you want and sometimes need. It is a result of original sin.
"if the world is based on cause and effect and God is just looking on as if he were watching a tennis match then what the hell do we need God". * I agree. But I dont think that things are merely cause and effect. There are everyday miracles. I think that God can steer our ship to some degree as long as it does not negate free will.
"What can I say. Things haven't worked out and I'm mad at God about it." It is OK to be pissed. But what is not Ok is to be pissed at someone that you don't know well. Without knowing you, I would argue that you may have not fostered a relationship with God. Maybe you are merely going through the motions of attending church, but missing out on what is most important-- a personal relationship with God. Something to ponder.
"Rather than believe in an all powerful God who lacks compassion and is vengeful, I prefer to believe that God simply doesn't exist or not in that form." I don't think God is vengeful. If we was, he would not have sent us his only Son.
I don't mean to be argumentative. I just throw these ideas out for something to think about. We are all at a different place in our faith journey. Do you really believe God does not love you?
As for your lack of belief in hell, which you have in common with many Christians that I think are uninformed, it leaves me concerned. I think it is possible that one can experience purgatory on earth, but that is not theological thinking, just my personal thought. What i have experienced is a demon. It is too complicated to elaborate on here. And no, I was not psychotic. There is a hell, please trust me on that.
Please hug your little puppy. It is pure unconditional love.
God should have known what I needed and given it to me instead of letting me make bad decisions and suffer so." * If God did not allow us to have free will, there could never be love. God does know what you need, but sin, not necessarily yours, can prevent you from getting the things you want and sometimes need. It is a result of original sin.
"if the world is based on cause and effect and God is just looking on as if he were watching a tennis match then what the hell do we need God". * I agree. But I dont think that things are merely cause and effect. There are everyday miracles. I think that God can steer our ship to some degree as long as it does not negate free will.
"What can I say. Things haven't worked out and I'm mad at God about it." It is OK to be pissed. But what is not Ok is to be pissed at someone that you don't know well. Without knowing you, I would argue that you may have not fostered a relationship with God. Maybe you are merely going through the motions of attending church, but missing out on what is most important-- a personal relationship with God. Something to ponder.
"Rather than believe in an all powerful God who lacks compassion and is vengeful, I prefer to believe that God simply doesn't exist or not in that form." I don't think God is vengeful. If we was, he would not have sent us his only Son.
I don't mean to be argumentative. I just throw these ideas out for something to think about. We are all at a different place in our faith journey. Do you really believe God does not love you?
As for your lack of belief in hell, which you have in common with many Christians that I think are uninformed, it leaves me concerned. I think it is possible that one can experience purgatory on earth, but that is not theological thinking, just my personal thought. What i have experienced is a demon. It is too complicated to elaborate on here. And no, I was not psychotic. There is a hell, please trust me on that.
Please hug your little puppy. It is pure unconditional love.
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.
- Jerome Lawrence
I have some philosopical comments in response to your remarks below . . .
God should have known what I needed and given it to me instead of letting me make bad decisions and suffer so." * If God did not allow us to have free will, there could never be love. God does know what you need, but sin, not necessarily yours, can prevent you from getting the things you want and sometimes need. It is a result of original sin.
"if the world is based on cause and effect and God is just looking on as if he were watching a tennis match then what the hell do we need God". * I agree. But I dont think that things are merely cause and effect. There are everyday miracles. I think that God can steer our ship to some degree as long as it does not negate free will.
"What can I say. Things haven't worked out and I'm mad at God about it." It is OK to be pissed. But what is not Ok is to be pissed at someone that you don't know well. Without knowing you, I would argue that you may have not fostered a relationship with God. Maybe you are merely going through the motions of attending church, but missing out on what is most important-- a personal relationship with God. Something to ponder.
"Rather than believe in an all powerful God who lacks compassion and is vengeful, I prefer to believe that God simply doesn't exist or not in that form." I don't think God is vengeful. If we was, he would not have sent us his only Son.
I don't mean to be argumentative. I just throw these ideas out for something to think about. We are all at a different place in our faith journey. Do you really believe God does not love you?
As for your lack of belief in hell, which you have in common with many Christians that I think are uninformed, it leaves me concerned. I think it is possible that one can experience purgatory on earth, but that is not theological thinking, just my personal thought. What i have experienced is a demon. It is too complicated to elaborate on here. And no, I was not psychotic. There is a hell, please trust me on that.
Please hug your little puppy. It is pure unconditional love.
God should have known what I needed and given it to me instead of letting me make bad decisions and suffer so." * If God did not allow us to have free will, there could never be love. God does know what you need, but sin, not necessarily yours, can prevent you from getting the things you want and sometimes need. It is a result of original sin.
"if the world is based on cause and effect and God is just looking on as if he were watching a tennis match then what the hell do we need God". * I agree. But I dont think that things are merely cause and effect. There are everyday miracles. I think that God can steer our ship to some degree as long as it does not negate free will.
"What can I say. Things haven't worked out and I'm mad at God about it." It is OK to be pissed. But what is not Ok is to be pissed at someone that you don't know well. Without knowing you, I would argue that you may have not fostered a relationship with God. Maybe you are merely going through the motions of attending church, but missing out on what is most important-- a personal relationship with God. Something to ponder.
"Rather than believe in an all powerful God who lacks compassion and is vengeful, I prefer to believe that God simply doesn't exist or not in that form." I don't think God is vengeful. If we was, he would not have sent us his only Son.
I don't mean to be argumentative. I just throw these ideas out for something to think about. We are all at a different place in our faith journey. Do you really believe God does not love you?
As for your lack of belief in hell, which you have in common with many Christians that I think are uninformed, it leaves me concerned. I think it is possible that one can experience purgatory on earth, but that is not theological thinking, just my personal thought. What i have experienced is a demon. It is too complicated to elaborate on here. And no, I was not psychotic. There is a hell, please trust me on that.
Please hug your little puppy. It is pure unconditional love.
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.
- Jerome Lawrence
August 9, 2014 - 8:47 pm
Total Posts: 1532
Joined: 08-11-2012
Joined: 08-11-2012
Castillo,
Thanks for your reflections. Today, I spent the entire day speaking with a friend's mother who is deeply religious and shared some of her experience with me. I just listened without arguing with her and I shared some experiences that we have in common, without telling her that I sometimes want to take to the stage during church services, rip my bible up in front of everyone and then stomp out of the church.
Tomorrow, I'm going to a different church where she and some close friends of mine participate. Maybe I'll hate that church less than I hate the one I've been attending, which is hyperbolic but that's the mood I'm in: ironic and mirthful.
The dog and I do not really love one another unconditionally. I have several times threatened to make him into a pot of stew if his doesn't behave himself. (No, I wouldn't really do that unless I was REALLY angry and was taken over by the demonic spirit of Edgar Allen Poe. But, once having made stew of the dog, it would be a shame and a waste not to eat it. haha!)
I have to move, because the woman I rent from wants my apartment for her daughter. But, it looks like I will rent from and become neighbors with the church lady I mentioned above, in a gated community (with some drug dealers inside) but an enormous area for the dog to run and enjoy himself.
When I came home today, I discovered that the dog had ripped open a garbage bag and spread all its contents all over the living room. But, since he crapped and peed in the bathroom, where it's easier to clean, we're still on good terms.
Strangely, I felt more tired after chatting with my friend's mother for five hours than I typically feel after a day in which I've swam two kilometers in two hours. I guess getting to know a woman over lunch and then while she cleans and seasons thirty chicken for roasting and sale can be a taxing emotional experience, much more than the physical labor and meditative or reflective state that comes with a long swim.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Castillo. There was a time when I had a desperate fear that I would be royally screwed without God. But then, while what I could to have a relationship with Him, I got more screwed than I could have imagined, hence my resentment.
I guess having forgiven my brother and sister, I might eventually be able to forgive God as well. But my efforts to understand Him, by reading the Bible, often leave me liking Him less than I did before I started.
In the Old Testament particularly, God is a motivating force in more wars than all American presidents combined. And it isn't just people acting supposedly in God's name. It's God calling one person, or group of people, or nation to utterly annihilate another group, and often take over the land that the annihilated group had been living in. The God of the Old Testament is a God of war as often as not.
He might have had his reasons, but he VERY OFTEN thought that a big bloody war or two were just what was needed to further His vision for humans. I think a hypothetical believing person couldn't be blamed for reading the Old Testament and coming away from it feeling guilty or ill-at-ease for not being at war with anyone.
Those are just my reflections and I don't hardly expect anyone to agree with them nor would it necessarily even be good if others saw things as I see them.
P.
Thanks for your reflections. Today, I spent the entire day speaking with a friend's mother who is deeply religious and shared some of her experience with me. I just listened without arguing with her and I shared some experiences that we have in common, without telling her that I sometimes want to take to the stage during church services, rip my bible up in front of everyone and then stomp out of the church.
Tomorrow, I'm going to a different church where she and some close friends of mine participate. Maybe I'll hate that church less than I hate the one I've been attending, which is hyperbolic but that's the mood I'm in: ironic and mirthful.
The dog and I do not really love one another unconditionally. I have several times threatened to make him into a pot of stew if his doesn't behave himself. (No, I wouldn't really do that unless I was REALLY angry and was taken over by the demonic spirit of Edgar Allen Poe. But, once having made stew of the dog, it would be a shame and a waste not to eat it. haha!)
I have to move, because the woman I rent from wants my apartment for her daughter. But, it looks like I will rent from and become neighbors with the church lady I mentioned above, in a gated community (with some drug dealers inside) but an enormous area for the dog to run and enjoy himself.
When I came home today, I discovered that the dog had ripped open a garbage bag and spread all its contents all over the living room. But, since he crapped and peed in the bathroom, where it's easier to clean, we're still on good terms.
Strangely, I felt more tired after chatting with my friend's mother for five hours than I typically feel after a day in which I've swam two kilometers in two hours. I guess getting to know a woman over lunch and then while she cleans and seasons thirty chicken for roasting and sale can be a taxing emotional experience, much more than the physical labor and meditative or reflective state that comes with a long swim.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Castillo. There was a time when I had a desperate fear that I would be royally screwed without God. But then, while what I could to have a relationship with Him, I got more screwed than I could have imagined, hence my resentment.
I guess having forgiven my brother and sister, I might eventually be able to forgive God as well. But my efforts to understand Him, by reading the Bible, often leave me liking Him less than I did before I started.
In the Old Testament particularly, God is a motivating force in more wars than all American presidents combined. And it isn't just people acting supposedly in God's name. It's God calling one person, or group of people, or nation to utterly annihilate another group, and often take over the land that the annihilated group had been living in. The God of the Old Testament is a God of war as often as not.
He might have had his reasons, but he VERY OFTEN thought that a big bloody war or two were just what was needed to further His vision for humans. I think a hypothetical believing person couldn't be blamed for reading the Old Testament and coming away from it feeling guilty or ill-at-ease for not being at war with anyone.
Those are just my reflections and I don't hardly expect anyone to agree with them nor would it necessarily even be good if others saw things as I see them.
P.
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
Castillo,
Thanks for your reflections. Today, I spent the entire day speaking with a friend's mother who is deeply religious and shared some of her experience with me. I just listened without arguing with her and I shared some experiences that we have in common, without telling her that I sometimes want to take to the stage during church services, rip my bible up in front of everyone and then stomp out of the church.
Tomorrow, I'm going to a different church where she and some close friends of mine participate. Maybe I'll hate that church less than I hate the one I've been attending, which is hyperbolic but that's the mood I'm in: ironic and mirthful.
The dog and I do not really love one another unconditionally. I have several times threatened to make him into a pot of stew if his doesn't behave himself. (No, I wouldn't really do that unless I was REALLY angry and was taken over by the demonic spirit of Edgar Allen Poe. But, once having made stew of the dog, it would be a shame and a waste not to eat it. haha!)
I have to move, because the woman I rent from wants my apartment for her daughter. But, it looks like I will rent from and become neighbors with the church lady I mentioned above, in a gated community (with some drug dealers inside) but an enormous area for the dog to run and enjoy himself.
When I came home today, I discovered that the dog had ripped open a garbage bag and spread all its contents all over the living room. But, since he crapped and peed in the bathroom, where it's easier to clean, we're still on good terms.
Strangely, I felt more tired after chatting with my friend's mother for five hours than I typically feel after a day in which I've swam two kilometers in two hours. I guess getting to know a woman over lunch and then while she cleans and seasons thirty chicken for roasting and sale can be a taxing emotional experience, much more than the physical labor and meditative or reflective state that comes with a long swim.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Castillo. There was a time when I had a desperate fear that I would be royally screwed without God. But then, while what I could to have a relationship with Him, I got more screwed than I could have imagined, hence my resentment.
I guess having forgiven my brother and sister, I might eventually be able to forgive God as well. But my efforts to understand Him, by reading the Bible, often leave me liking Him less than I did before I started.
In the Old Testament particularly, God is a motivating force in more wars than all American presidents combined. And it isn't just people acting supposedly in God's name. It's God calling one person, or group of people, or nation to utterly annihilate another group, and often take over the land that the annihilated group had been living in. The God of the Old Testament is a God of war as often as not.
He might have had his reasons, but he VERY OFTEN thought that a big bloody war or two were just what was needed to further His vision for humans. I think a hypothetical believing person couldn't be blamed for reading the Old Testament and coming away from it feeling guilty or ill-at-ease for not being at war with anyone.
Those are just my reflections and I don't hardly expect anyone to agree with them nor would it necessarily even be good if others saw things as I see them.
P.
Thanks for your reflections. Today, I spent the entire day speaking with a friend's mother who is deeply religious and shared some of her experience with me. I just listened without arguing with her and I shared some experiences that we have in common, without telling her that I sometimes want to take to the stage during church services, rip my bible up in front of everyone and then stomp out of the church.
Tomorrow, I'm going to a different church where she and some close friends of mine participate. Maybe I'll hate that church less than I hate the one I've been attending, which is hyperbolic but that's the mood I'm in: ironic and mirthful.
The dog and I do not really love one another unconditionally. I have several times threatened to make him into a pot of stew if his doesn't behave himself. (No, I wouldn't really do that unless I was REALLY angry and was taken over by the demonic spirit of Edgar Allen Poe. But, once having made stew of the dog, it would be a shame and a waste not to eat it. haha!)
I have to move, because the woman I rent from wants my apartment for her daughter. But, it looks like I will rent from and become neighbors with the church lady I mentioned above, in a gated community (with some drug dealers inside) but an enormous area for the dog to run and enjoy himself.
When I came home today, I discovered that the dog had ripped open a garbage bag and spread all its contents all over the living room. But, since he crapped and peed in the bathroom, where it's easier to clean, we're still on good terms.
Strangely, I felt more tired after chatting with my friend's mother for five hours than I typically feel after a day in which I've swam two kilometers in two hours. I guess getting to know a woman over lunch and then while she cleans and seasons thirty chicken for roasting and sale can be a taxing emotional experience, much more than the physical labor and meditative or reflective state that comes with a long swim.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Castillo. There was a time when I had a desperate fear that I would be royally screwed without God. But then, while what I could to have a relationship with Him, I got more screwed than I could have imagined, hence my resentment.
I guess having forgiven my brother and sister, I might eventually be able to forgive God as well. But my efforts to understand Him, by reading the Bible, often leave me liking Him less than I did before I started.
In the Old Testament particularly, God is a motivating force in more wars than all American presidents combined. And it isn't just people acting supposedly in God's name. It's God calling one person, or group of people, or nation to utterly annihilate another group, and often take over the land that the annihilated group had been living in. The God of the Old Testament is a God of war as often as not.
He might have had his reasons, but he VERY OFTEN thought that a big bloody war or two were just what was needed to further His vision for humans. I think a hypothetical believing person couldn't be blamed for reading the Old Testament and coming away from it feeling guilty or ill-at-ease for not being at war with anyone.
Those are just my reflections and I don't hardly expect anyone to agree with them nor would it necessarily even be good if others saw things as I see them.
P.
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
August 9, 2014 - 9:31 pm
Total Posts: 1
Joined: 08-02-2014
Joined: 08-02-2014
P. It seems that you have thought things out carefully and have covered your bases. There may be answers for all of the significant people, and dog, to move on after your suicide. But what about that place that you occupy in this world? Each of us contribute our spirit, our presence to the world, a shining little pinprick of spirit and force that helps fulfill the role that this world has; to hold us. That is yours. To be held by this world and if your light were to be snuffed out there would be a hole where you left. A glimmer would be removed from the combined spirit that we mortals provide for our planet. It is yours uniquely and no one will ever be able to fill YOUR spot. We will feel it. All of us. We will feel the loss of our brother, of his light, his spirit, himself. You are incapable of seeing that you have purpose here but I assure you that you do. I don't know you personally but I can tell you that I will be affected if you leave. You'll be another statistic written down, calculated, reduced to a number. And you are so much more than that!! Before you even came to this earth you were an intelligence, a force, a being with a desire to progress, to improve, to experience new things. You CHOSE to come here to test out life. And now you want to be done. But have you experienced it all? Have you progressed? Will this life contribute to your eternal progression in becoming something greater? My answer to you is no. I think not. I think that , although you may not see it now because the eye of your mind is clouded and deceived you have much yet to do here and we aren't ready to lose your light. Brother hold on a while longer. Have faith that there is something yet for you to gain here. Seek it out for it is looking for you too. I believe that with all my heart and I send you my love and strength to not give up. Not yet.
P. It seems that you have thought things out carefully and have covered your bases. There may be answers for all of the significant people, and dog, to move on after your suicide. But what about that place that you occupy in this world? Each of us contribute our spirit, our presence to the world, a shining little pinprick of spirit and force that helps fulfill the role that this world has; to hold us. That is yours. To be held by this world and if your light were to be snuffed out there would be a hole where you left. A glimmer would be removed from the combined spirit that we mortals provide for our planet. It is yours uniquely and no one will ever be able to fill YOUR spot. We will feel it. All of us. We will feel the loss of our brother, of his light, his spirit, himself. You are incapable of seeing that you have purpose here but I assure you that you do. I don't know you personally but I can tell you that I will be affected if you leave. You'll be another statistic written down, calculated, reduced to a number. And you are so much more than that!! Before you even came to this earth you were an intelligence, a force, a being with a desire to progress, to improve, to experience new things. You CHOSE to come here to test out life. And now you want to be done. But have you experienced it all? Have you progressed? Will this life contribute to your eternal progression in becoming something greater? My answer to you is no. I think not. I think that , although you may not see it now because the eye of your mind is clouded and deceived you have much yet to do here and we aren't ready to lose your light. Brother hold on a while longer. Have faith that there is something yet for you to gain here. Seek it out for it is looking for you too. I believe that with all my heart and I send you my love and strength to not give up. Not yet.
August 9, 2014 - 11:37 pm
Total Posts: 342
Joined: 11-02-2011
Joined: 11-02-2011
Thanks schweets. I agree w what many of you said to persistence. It really concerns me that you do not like your therapist. Please get a new 1 or tell your therapist directly what you want from her. I have my MSW. Here is what I tell people to ask a therapist before they chose 1. What is their degree, how long have they actually been practicing, what methodology do they use. The most common and best ones I've found is Cognitive BehavioralTherapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), do they give you homework and check it or at least ask you about it. Be open about exactly what you're looking for and don't be afraid to ask. You're the 1 paying so you shouldn't have a problem with that.
Do NOT give up. I've been where you are. Many times. Yes there is a hell!! You might get well tomorrow. If the meds you're on aren't working make sure you talk to your pdoc about all of your meds. They make a huge difference. I am medication resistant. I've been doing ECT since the beginning of 2011. My memory sucks but it keeps me out of the hospital and helps me function fairly normal for like a month at a time. Sometimes even every 3 months. I hope to eventually get 6 months between treatments.
My husband recently asked for a divorce. I'm heartbroken. He is the love of my life. That's depressing and I cry to sleep about every night. I know eventually I'll be OK. What I'm going through is Gods will. I might not like it but it is what it is.
I also suggest you find a church you like. I Also suggest you go to NAMI meetings at least once a week. They have like 3 a week in my area. Just look them up online. National Association of Mental Illness. They can be very helpful in helping you find the right therapist for you too.
Just say NO to suicide. You will be missed. I always enjoy reading your responses to things here on the forum. You're a very smart person!! Kind and gentle. Compassionate and caring.
I dont know what I could do for you but you're more than welcome to email me. ElieLively@aol.com. put persistence in the subject area in case it goes to spam. Maybe just having someone to talk to regularly will help. I'm sure it will help me too. I'm looking for my own apartment and will be living alone soon after a 16 year relationship. Maybe I have to much wrong w me to help you but I'm there if you want to try.
You're in my prayers!!
Do NOT give up. I've been where you are. Many times. Yes there is a hell!! You might get well tomorrow. If the meds you're on aren't working make sure you talk to your pdoc about all of your meds. They make a huge difference. I am medication resistant. I've been doing ECT since the beginning of 2011. My memory sucks but it keeps me out of the hospital and helps me function fairly normal for like a month at a time. Sometimes even every 3 months. I hope to eventually get 6 months between treatments.
My husband recently asked for a divorce. I'm heartbroken. He is the love of my life. That's depressing and I cry to sleep about every night. I know eventually I'll be OK. What I'm going through is Gods will. I might not like it but it is what it is.
I also suggest you find a church you like. I Also suggest you go to NAMI meetings at least once a week. They have like 3 a week in my area. Just look them up online. National Association of Mental Illness. They can be very helpful in helping you find the right therapist for you too.
Just say NO to suicide. You will be missed. I always enjoy reading your responses to things here on the forum. You're a very smart person!! Kind and gentle. Compassionate and caring.
I dont know what I could do for you but you're more than welcome to email me. ElieLively@aol.com. put persistence in the subject area in case it goes to spam. Maybe just having someone to talk to regularly will help. I'm sure it will help me too. I'm looking for my own apartment and will be living alone soon after a 16 year relationship. Maybe I have to much wrong w me to help you but I'm there if you want to try.
You're in my prayers!!
Elie
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105
Thanks schweets. I agree w what many of you said to persistence. It really concerns me that you do not like your therapist. Please get a new 1 or tell your therapist directly what you want from her. I have my MSW. Here is what I tell people to ask a therapist before they chose 1. What is their degree, how long have they actually been practicing, what methodology do they use. The most common and best ones I've found is Cognitive BehavioralTherapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), do they give you homework and check it or at least ask you about it. Be open about exactly what you're looking for and don't be afraid to ask. You're the 1 paying so you shouldn't have a problem with that.
Do NOT give up. I've been where you are. Many times. Yes there is a hell!! You might get well tomorrow. If the meds you're on aren't working make sure you talk to your pdoc about all of your meds. They make a huge difference. I am medication resistant. I've been doing ECT since the beginning of 2011. My memory sucks but it keeps me out of the hospital and helps me function fairly normal for like a month at a time. Sometimes even every 3 months. I hope to eventually get 6 months between treatments.
My husband recently asked for a divorce. I'm heartbroken. He is the love of my life. That's depressing and I cry to sleep about every night. I know eventually I'll be OK. What I'm going through is Gods will. I might not like it but it is what it is.
I also suggest you find a church you like. I Also suggest you go to NAMI meetings at least once a week. They have like 3 a week in my area. Just look them up online. National Association of Mental Illness. They can be very helpful in helping you find the right therapist for you too.
Just say NO to suicide. You will be missed. I always enjoy reading your responses to things here on the forum. You're a very smart person!! Kind and gentle. Compassionate and caring.
I dont know what I could do for you but you're more than welcome to email me. ElieLively@aol.com. put persistence in the subject area in case it goes to spam. Maybe just having someone to talk to regularly will help. I'm sure it will help me too. I'm looking for my own apartment and will be living alone soon after a 16 year relationship. Maybe I have to much wrong w me to help you but I'm there if you want to try.
You're in my prayers!!
Do NOT give up. I've been where you are. Many times. Yes there is a hell!! You might get well tomorrow. If the meds you're on aren't working make sure you talk to your pdoc about all of your meds. They make a huge difference. I am medication resistant. I've been doing ECT since the beginning of 2011. My memory sucks but it keeps me out of the hospital and helps me function fairly normal for like a month at a time. Sometimes even every 3 months. I hope to eventually get 6 months between treatments.
My husband recently asked for a divorce. I'm heartbroken. He is the love of my life. That's depressing and I cry to sleep about every night. I know eventually I'll be OK. What I'm going through is Gods will. I might not like it but it is what it is.
I also suggest you find a church you like. I Also suggest you go to NAMI meetings at least once a week. They have like 3 a week in my area. Just look them up online. National Association of Mental Illness. They can be very helpful in helping you find the right therapist for you too.
Just say NO to suicide. You will be missed. I always enjoy reading your responses to things here on the forum. You're a very smart person!! Kind and gentle. Compassionate and caring.
I dont know what I could do for you but you're more than welcome to email me. ElieLively@aol.com. put persistence in the subject area in case it goes to spam. Maybe just having someone to talk to regularly will help. I'm sure it will help me too. I'm looking for my own apartment and will be living alone soon after a 16 year relationship. Maybe I have to much wrong w me to help you but I'm there if you want to try.
You're in my prayers!!
Elie
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105
August 10, 2014 - 6:39 am
Total Posts: 868
Joined: 06-12-2011
Joined: 06-12-2011
Persistence,
Check out: https://www.biblegateway.com/b...
I thought it was one explanation of something hard to understand. As for the harsh God of the Old Testament, seems to me that as humans evolve, so does God's treatment of us. Maybe the people of that era were too steeped in evil to be dealt with in any other way. Maybe their life after death is not bad. Who knows.
I am glad you were able talk with your friends mother.
You made me laugh with your description of the dog's antics. I wanted to give my dog back to the breeder during the first year I had her. She was such a pain! But now she is a wonderful companion.
Take care.
Check out: https://www.biblegateway.com/b...
I thought it was one explanation of something hard to understand. As for the harsh God of the Old Testament, seems to me that as humans evolve, so does God's treatment of us. Maybe the people of that era were too steeped in evil to be dealt with in any other way. Maybe their life after death is not bad. Who knows.
I am glad you were able talk with your friends mother.
You made me laugh with your description of the dog's antics. I wanted to give my dog back to the breeder during the first year I had her. She was such a pain! But now she is a wonderful companion.
Take care.
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.
- Jerome Lawrence
Persistence,
Check out: https://www.biblegateway.com/b...
I thought it was one explanation of something hard to understand. As for the harsh God of the Old Testament, seems to me that as humans evolve, so does God's treatment of us. Maybe the people of that era were too steeped in evil to be dealt with in any other way. Maybe their life after death is not bad. Who knows.
I am glad you were able talk with your friends mother.
You made me laugh with your description of the dog's antics. I wanted to give my dog back to the breeder during the first year I had her. She was such a pain! But now she is a wonderful companion.
Take care.
Check out: https://www.biblegateway.com/b...
I thought it was one explanation of something hard to understand. As for the harsh God of the Old Testament, seems to me that as humans evolve, so does God's treatment of us. Maybe the people of that era were too steeped in evil to be dealt with in any other way. Maybe their life after death is not bad. Who knows.
I am glad you were able talk with your friends mother.
You made me laugh with your description of the dog's antics. I wanted to give my dog back to the breeder during the first year I had her. She was such a pain! But now she is a wonderful companion.
Take care.
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.
- Jerome Lawrence
August 10, 2014 - 7:17 am
Total Posts: 277
Joined: 04-30-2011
Joined: 04-30-2011
Hi Persistence,
I want to encourage you to continue reading the Bible because I believe it is a good window to God's love and concern for us, His people. Before you read anything else, first read the book of James. It is not polly-anna by any stretch, but it does address the thoughts and feelings and situations that many of us experience (I say that by reading the posts in this forum.)
Yes, in the Old Testament there is a lot of war and I don't always understand it, I just trust in God that He has a reason for it that I don't understand. I'm OK with that because He doesn't answer to me for anything.
But most of all, don't give up and commit suicide. There is always a change coming. It may be today, tomorrow, next week or next year - no one knows what it is in their particular life.
I'm trying not to preach at you because that is not what I mean to do, and I dislike it very much when someone does that to me. It is just that I've been told that I can sometimes come across that way, so please don't read that tone into my response.
So, to sum up: Read the book of James in the New Testament all the way though, in one sitting if you can. Don't kill yourself because change is coming.
Take care,
Grateful
I want to encourage you to continue reading the Bible because I believe it is a good window to God's love and concern for us, His people. Before you read anything else, first read the book of James. It is not polly-anna by any stretch, but it does address the thoughts and feelings and situations that many of us experience (I say that by reading the posts in this forum.)
Yes, in the Old Testament there is a lot of war and I don't always understand it, I just trust in God that He has a reason for it that I don't understand. I'm OK with that because He doesn't answer to me for anything.
But most of all, don't give up and commit suicide. There is always a change coming. It may be today, tomorrow, next week or next year - no one knows what it is in their particular life.
I'm trying not to preach at you because that is not what I mean to do, and I dislike it very much when someone does that to me. It is just that I've been told that I can sometimes come across that way, so please don't read that tone into my response.
So, to sum up: Read the book of James in the New Testament all the way though, in one sitting if you can. Don't kill yourself because change is coming.
Take care,
Grateful
Hi Persistence,
I want to encourage you to continue reading the Bible because I believe it is a good window to God's love and concern for us, His people. Before you read anything else, first read the book of James. It is not polly-anna by any stretch, but it does address the thoughts and feelings and situations that many of us experience (I say that by reading the posts in this forum.)
Yes, in the Old Testament there is a lot of war and I don't always understand it, I just trust in God that He has a reason for it that I don't understand. I'm OK with that because He doesn't answer to me for anything.
But most of all, don't give up and commit suicide. There is always a change coming. It may be today, tomorrow, next week or next year - no one knows what it is in their particular life.
I'm trying not to preach at you because that is not what I mean to do, and I dislike it very much when someone does that to me. It is just that I've been told that I can sometimes come across that way, so please don't read that tone into my response.
So, to sum up: Read the book of James in the New Testament all the way though, in one sitting if you can. Don't kill yourself because change is coming.
Take care,
Grateful
I want to encourage you to continue reading the Bible because I believe it is a good window to God's love and concern for us, His people. Before you read anything else, first read the book of James. It is not polly-anna by any stretch, but it does address the thoughts and feelings and situations that many of us experience (I say that by reading the posts in this forum.)
Yes, in the Old Testament there is a lot of war and I don't always understand it, I just trust in God that He has a reason for it that I don't understand. I'm OK with that because He doesn't answer to me for anything.
But most of all, don't give up and commit suicide. There is always a change coming. It may be today, tomorrow, next week or next year - no one knows what it is in their particular life.
I'm trying not to preach at you because that is not what I mean to do, and I dislike it very much when someone does that to me. It is just that I've been told that I can sometimes come across that way, so please don't read that tone into my response.
So, to sum up: Read the book of James in the New Testament all the way though, in one sitting if you can. Don't kill yourself because change is coming.
Take care,
Grateful
August 12, 2014 - 2:49 pm
Total Posts: 543
Joined: 08-06-2012
Joined: 08-06-2012
Persistence,
There are a lot of really great replies to your posts. I just wanted to highlight a couple things I thought of when reading through some of this...
Your point that taking your own life would legitimize suicide to your nephew -- I CONCUR. Please don't do that. I think that is exactly what I was getting at with my post about Robin Williams. Because he is such a public figure, and everyone wants to be so supportive, it's like they're praising him for it! No, NO, NO!!
Which brings up another reason you can't do it -- you are way too original to be a copycat. I know this from reading lots of your posts. It doesn't matter when you started this thread; your proposed actions would fall into the copycat category, and I am personally on a mission to prevent that.
The last thought I wanted to bring up is that I would totally miss your spunky, sarcastic, dark humor. Even if you are in the pits of depression, your posts are still entertaining. Especially the part about how exhausted you were after watching that woman process hundreds of chickens! I totally get it, thought. When you are feeling depressed, taking about your feelings takes a lot of energy.
Please post again and update us on how you are doing.
Carrie
There are a lot of really great replies to your posts. I just wanted to highlight a couple things I thought of when reading through some of this...
Your point that taking your own life would legitimize suicide to your nephew -- I CONCUR. Please don't do that. I think that is exactly what I was getting at with my post about Robin Williams. Because he is such a public figure, and everyone wants to be so supportive, it's like they're praising him for it! No, NO, NO!!
Which brings up another reason you can't do it -- you are way too original to be a copycat. I know this from reading lots of your posts. It doesn't matter when you started this thread; your proposed actions would fall into the copycat category, and I am personally on a mission to prevent that.
The last thought I wanted to bring up is that I would totally miss your spunky, sarcastic, dark humor. Even if you are in the pits of depression, your posts are still entertaining. Especially the part about how exhausted you were after watching that woman process hundreds of chickens! I totally get it, thought. When you are feeling depressed, taking about your feelings takes a lot of energy.
Please post again and update us on how you are doing.
Carrie
Persistence,
There are a lot of really great replies to your posts. I just wanted to highlight a couple things I thought of when reading through some of this...
Your point that taking your own life would legitimize suicide to your nephew -- I CONCUR. Please don't do that. I think that is exactly what I was getting at with my post about Robin Williams. Because he is such a public figure, and everyone wants to be so supportive, it's like they're praising him for it! No, NO, NO!!
Which brings up another reason you can't do it -- you are way too original to be a copycat. I know this from reading lots of your posts. It doesn't matter when you started this thread; your proposed actions would fall into the copycat category, and I am personally on a mission to prevent that.
The last thought I wanted to bring up is that I would totally miss your spunky, sarcastic, dark humor. Even if you are in the pits of depression, your posts are still entertaining. Especially the part about how exhausted you were after watching that woman process hundreds of chickens! I totally get it, thought. When you are feeling depressed, taking about your feelings takes a lot of energy.
Please post again and update us on how you are doing.
Carrie
There are a lot of really great replies to your posts. I just wanted to highlight a couple things I thought of when reading through some of this...
Your point that taking your own life would legitimize suicide to your nephew -- I CONCUR. Please don't do that. I think that is exactly what I was getting at with my post about Robin Williams. Because he is such a public figure, and everyone wants to be so supportive, it's like they're praising him for it! No, NO, NO!!
Which brings up another reason you can't do it -- you are way too original to be a copycat. I know this from reading lots of your posts. It doesn't matter when you started this thread; your proposed actions would fall into the copycat category, and I am personally on a mission to prevent that.
The last thought I wanted to bring up is that I would totally miss your spunky, sarcastic, dark humor. Even if you are in the pits of depression, your posts are still entertaining. Especially the part about how exhausted you were after watching that woman process hundreds of chickens! I totally get it, thought. When you are feeling depressed, taking about your feelings takes a lot of energy.
Please post again and update us on how you are doing.
Carrie
August 12, 2014 - 4:34 pm
Total Posts: 1532
Joined: 08-11-2012
Joined: 08-11-2012
Carrie,
In 2000, when I was about to buy a gun and shoot myself, I went to one last psychologist. She asked if there wasn't ANYTHING I wanted to do before I killed myself. I admitted that I wanted to go to France and learn French. She told me to start making plans and come back in a week and tell her how I was going to implement my plans to go to France.
That was 13 years ago. I followed her advice and it gave me a new lease on life that included girlfriends, seven years of marriage and swimming in the warm waters of four countries that I wouldn't otherwise have ever known.
My depression did not end immediately in France and actually continued to be severe for another month or so. But, I had a lot to distract me that was new and different. Strangely, what actually helped me was when I was in my apartment there with the shades drawn and a close friend came over and told me to put the depression aside and go outside to the beach and have fun. I followed his advice and met a beautiful girlfriend at the beach shortly thereafter.
Had I not gone to France, I never would have met that friend and followed his amazingly simple but effective advice.
Two days ago, I asked myself again if there wasn't ANYTHING I wanted to do before I killed myself. The answer was obvious. Last year, I renewed my passport so I could go to Africa for the first time. I hear you can take a bus there and look out the window and see giraffe, elephants, lions...
I might get eaten by a lion, but that's better than eating my dog and then hanging myself. I might get Ebola, but there's less risk with that than with putting a rope around my neck and jumping out the window.
I'm not good at changing what I think, but I can change what I see, what radically different foods I might eat, what languages I might speak, and what new and interesting people I might meet. I can swim in an ocean that I never swam in before.
So, yesterday I informed my landlord that this is my last month in this apartment. I went to a travel agent and got a viable travel plan to go to Africa. If my plans go as intended, I'll be there by September 12. That is something I definitely want to experience and it is better than killing myself before I experience all of this.
Some people will say that this is a bourgeois approach that many people couldn't afford. However, many people don't know that what little income they have is still worth MUCH MORE overseas. And if you have a car, you can sell it and buy an airline ticket, which is what I did in 2000. I sold my 1986 Volvo and got more than enough for a ticket to France.
If you can live off student loans in the United States, you can live MUCH BETTER off the same loans in Mexico or Bolivia, and become bilingual and more employable as a result.
I presently pay $225.00 USD monthly for a two bedroom apartment in South America. I am told that I could rent a whole house with a garage for that in Africa. Sometimes, doing what I want is actually cheaper than sitting on my arse and doing nothing.
Even if I end up with a lot of consumer debt as a result of my plan, what do I care, if the alternative is killing myself?
I admit that I am a lot more creative, adventurous and courageous in some ways than many people, and so what works for me might not work for others.
Today, a friend asked me if I had a Plan B if things don't work out in Africa. Killing myself was Plan A. Going to Africa is Plan B.
This I can say that is applicable to everyone: If you are thinking of killing yourself, ask yourself if there isn't ANYTHING you have dreamed of doing before you die? If there is something you have dreamed of doing, go and do it. Whatever it costs and whatever the risks, it is not more costly or risky than killing yourself, as long as it's something positive that doesn't hurt you or someone else.
(If you have always wanted to cut your arm or your genitals off, that is not a good idea! Keep thinking of OTHER dreams you have until you think of one that is at least potentially positive, and that is not insane, murderous or rightfully a life-sentence felony. For example, do not kill a family member just because you've always dreamed of doing so. Don't cut your ear off. There is a difference between a dream and a dark rumination.)
Implement a dream. Be creative. Did you know you can study in most other countries for a small fraction of what it costs to study in the United States, and maybe even get a rent subsidy, with free or ridiculously cheap medical insurance, and the credits are transferable? France covers 100% of bipolar associated medical care and medicine, so it's potentially cheaper to be bipolar there than in the United States.
This time, I am just going as a tourist to a country where many of the essentials of life are less expensive than where I currently live. If I don't like it, I'll have got a round-trip ticket and can come back.
I'm selling everything in my apartment. I'm going with a backpack. Please keep me in your positive imaginations.
P.
In 2000, when I was about to buy a gun and shoot myself, I went to one last psychologist. She asked if there wasn't ANYTHING I wanted to do before I killed myself. I admitted that I wanted to go to France and learn French. She told me to start making plans and come back in a week and tell her how I was going to implement my plans to go to France.
That was 13 years ago. I followed her advice and it gave me a new lease on life that included girlfriends, seven years of marriage and swimming in the warm waters of four countries that I wouldn't otherwise have ever known.
My depression did not end immediately in France and actually continued to be severe for another month or so. But, I had a lot to distract me that was new and different. Strangely, what actually helped me was when I was in my apartment there with the shades drawn and a close friend came over and told me to put the depression aside and go outside to the beach and have fun. I followed his advice and met a beautiful girlfriend at the beach shortly thereafter.
Had I not gone to France, I never would have met that friend and followed his amazingly simple but effective advice.
Two days ago, I asked myself again if there wasn't ANYTHING I wanted to do before I killed myself. The answer was obvious. Last year, I renewed my passport so I could go to Africa for the first time. I hear you can take a bus there and look out the window and see giraffe, elephants, lions...
I might get eaten by a lion, but that's better than eating my dog and then hanging myself. I might get Ebola, but there's less risk with that than with putting a rope around my neck and jumping out the window.
I'm not good at changing what I think, but I can change what I see, what radically different foods I might eat, what languages I might speak, and what new and interesting people I might meet. I can swim in an ocean that I never swam in before.
So, yesterday I informed my landlord that this is my last month in this apartment. I went to a travel agent and got a viable travel plan to go to Africa. If my plans go as intended, I'll be there by September 12. That is something I definitely want to experience and it is better than killing myself before I experience all of this.
Some people will say that this is a bourgeois approach that many people couldn't afford. However, many people don't know that what little income they have is still worth MUCH MORE overseas. And if you have a car, you can sell it and buy an airline ticket, which is what I did in 2000. I sold my 1986 Volvo and got more than enough for a ticket to France.
If you can live off student loans in the United States, you can live MUCH BETTER off the same loans in Mexico or Bolivia, and become bilingual and more employable as a result.
I presently pay $225.00 USD monthly for a two bedroom apartment in South America. I am told that I could rent a whole house with a garage for that in Africa. Sometimes, doing what I want is actually cheaper than sitting on my arse and doing nothing.
Even if I end up with a lot of consumer debt as a result of my plan, what do I care, if the alternative is killing myself?
I admit that I am a lot more creative, adventurous and courageous in some ways than many people, and so what works for me might not work for others.
Today, a friend asked me if I had a Plan B if things don't work out in Africa. Killing myself was Plan A. Going to Africa is Plan B.
This I can say that is applicable to everyone: If you are thinking of killing yourself, ask yourself if there isn't ANYTHING you have dreamed of doing before you die? If there is something you have dreamed of doing, go and do it. Whatever it costs and whatever the risks, it is not more costly or risky than killing yourself, as long as it's something positive that doesn't hurt you or someone else.
(If you have always wanted to cut your arm or your genitals off, that is not a good idea! Keep thinking of OTHER dreams you have until you think of one that is at least potentially positive, and that is not insane, murderous or rightfully a life-sentence felony. For example, do not kill a family member just because you've always dreamed of doing so. Don't cut your ear off. There is a difference between a dream and a dark rumination.)
Implement a dream. Be creative. Did you know you can study in most other countries for a small fraction of what it costs to study in the United States, and maybe even get a rent subsidy, with free or ridiculously cheap medical insurance, and the credits are transferable? France covers 100% of bipolar associated medical care and medicine, so it's potentially cheaper to be bipolar there than in the United States.
This time, I am just going as a tourist to a country where many of the essentials of life are less expensive than where I currently live. If I don't like it, I'll have got a round-trip ticket and can come back.
I'm selling everything in my apartment. I'm going with a backpack. Please keep me in your positive imaginations.
P.
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
Carrie,
In 2000, when I was about to buy a gun and shoot myself, I went to one last psychologist. She asked if there wasn't ANYTHING I wanted to do before I killed myself. I admitted that I wanted to go to France and learn French. She told me to start making plans and come back in a week and tell her how I was going to implement my plans to go to France.
That was 13 years ago. I followed her advice and it gave me a new lease on life that included girlfriends, seven years of marriage and swimming in the warm waters of four countries that I wouldn't otherwise have ever known.
My depression did not end immediately in France and actually continued to be severe for another month or so. But, I had a lot to distract me that was new and different. Strangely, what actually helped me was when I was in my apartment there with the shades drawn and a close friend came over and told me to put the depression aside and go outside to the beach and have fun. I followed his advice and met a beautiful girlfriend at the beach shortly thereafter.
Had I not gone to France, I never would have met that friend and followed his amazingly simple but effective advice.
Two days ago, I asked myself again if there wasn't ANYTHING I wanted to do before I killed myself. The answer was obvious. Last year, I renewed my passport so I could go to Africa for the first time. I hear you can take a bus there and look out the window and see giraffe, elephants, lions...
I might get eaten by a lion, but that's better than eating my dog and then hanging myself. I might get Ebola, but there's less risk with that than with putting a rope around my neck and jumping out the window.
I'm not good at changing what I think, but I can change what I see, what radically different foods I might eat, what languages I might speak, and what new and interesting people I might meet. I can swim in an ocean that I never swam in before.
So, yesterday I informed my landlord that this is my last month in this apartment. I went to a travel agent and got a viable travel plan to go to Africa. If my plans go as intended, I'll be there by September 12. That is something I definitely want to experience and it is better than killing myself before I experience all of this.
Some people will say that this is a bourgeois approach that many people couldn't afford. However, many people don't know that what little income they have is still worth MUCH MORE overseas. And if you have a car, you can sell it and buy an airline ticket, which is what I did in 2000. I sold my 1986 Volvo and got more than enough for a ticket to France.
If you can live off student loans in the United States, you can live MUCH BETTER off the same loans in Mexico or Bolivia, and become bilingual and more employable as a result.
I presently pay $225.00 USD monthly for a two bedroom apartment in South America. I am told that I could rent a whole house with a garage for that in Africa. Sometimes, doing what I want is actually cheaper than sitting on my arse and doing nothing.
Even if I end up with a lot of consumer debt as a result of my plan, what do I care, if the alternative is killing myself?
I admit that I am a lot more creative, adventurous and courageous in some ways than many people, and so what works for me might not work for others.
Today, a friend asked me if I had a Plan B if things don't work out in Africa. Killing myself was Plan A. Going to Africa is Plan B.
This I can say that is applicable to everyone: If you are thinking of killing yourself, ask yourself if there isn't ANYTHING you have dreamed of doing before you die? If there is something you have dreamed of doing, go and do it. Whatever it costs and whatever the risks, it is not more costly or risky than killing yourself, as long as it's something positive that doesn't hurt you or someone else.
(If you have always wanted to cut your arm or your genitals off, that is not a good idea! Keep thinking of OTHER dreams you have until you think of one that is at least potentially positive, and that is not insane, murderous or rightfully a life-sentence felony. For example, do not kill a family member just because you've always dreamed of doing so. Don't cut your ear off. There is a difference between a dream and a dark rumination.)
Implement a dream. Be creative. Did you know you can study in most other countries for a small fraction of what it costs to study in the United States, and maybe even get a rent subsidy, with free or ridiculously cheap medical insurance, and the credits are transferable? France covers 100% of bipolar associated medical care and medicine, so it's potentially cheaper to be bipolar there than in the United States.
This time, I am just going as a tourist to a country where many of the essentials of life are less expensive than where I currently live. If I don't like it, I'll have got a round-trip ticket and can come back.
I'm selling everything in my apartment. I'm going with a backpack. Please keep me in your positive imaginations.
P.
In 2000, when I was about to buy a gun and shoot myself, I went to one last psychologist. She asked if there wasn't ANYTHING I wanted to do before I killed myself. I admitted that I wanted to go to France and learn French. She told me to start making plans and come back in a week and tell her how I was going to implement my plans to go to France.
That was 13 years ago. I followed her advice and it gave me a new lease on life that included girlfriends, seven years of marriage and swimming in the warm waters of four countries that I wouldn't otherwise have ever known.
My depression did not end immediately in France and actually continued to be severe for another month or so. But, I had a lot to distract me that was new and different. Strangely, what actually helped me was when I was in my apartment there with the shades drawn and a close friend came over and told me to put the depression aside and go outside to the beach and have fun. I followed his advice and met a beautiful girlfriend at the beach shortly thereafter.
Had I not gone to France, I never would have met that friend and followed his amazingly simple but effective advice.
Two days ago, I asked myself again if there wasn't ANYTHING I wanted to do before I killed myself. The answer was obvious. Last year, I renewed my passport so I could go to Africa for the first time. I hear you can take a bus there and look out the window and see giraffe, elephants, lions...
I might get eaten by a lion, but that's better than eating my dog and then hanging myself. I might get Ebola, but there's less risk with that than with putting a rope around my neck and jumping out the window.
I'm not good at changing what I think, but I can change what I see, what radically different foods I might eat, what languages I might speak, and what new and interesting people I might meet. I can swim in an ocean that I never swam in before.
So, yesterday I informed my landlord that this is my last month in this apartment. I went to a travel agent and got a viable travel plan to go to Africa. If my plans go as intended, I'll be there by September 12. That is something I definitely want to experience and it is better than killing myself before I experience all of this.
Some people will say that this is a bourgeois approach that many people couldn't afford. However, many people don't know that what little income they have is still worth MUCH MORE overseas. And if you have a car, you can sell it and buy an airline ticket, which is what I did in 2000. I sold my 1986 Volvo and got more than enough for a ticket to France.
If you can live off student loans in the United States, you can live MUCH BETTER off the same loans in Mexico or Bolivia, and become bilingual and more employable as a result.
I presently pay $225.00 USD monthly for a two bedroom apartment in South America. I am told that I could rent a whole house with a garage for that in Africa. Sometimes, doing what I want is actually cheaper than sitting on my arse and doing nothing.
Even if I end up with a lot of consumer debt as a result of my plan, what do I care, if the alternative is killing myself?
I admit that I am a lot more creative, adventurous and courageous in some ways than many people, and so what works for me might not work for others.
Today, a friend asked me if I had a Plan B if things don't work out in Africa. Killing myself was Plan A. Going to Africa is Plan B.
This I can say that is applicable to everyone: If you are thinking of killing yourself, ask yourself if there isn't ANYTHING you have dreamed of doing before you die? If there is something you have dreamed of doing, go and do it. Whatever it costs and whatever the risks, it is not more costly or risky than killing yourself, as long as it's something positive that doesn't hurt you or someone else.
(If you have always wanted to cut your arm or your genitals off, that is not a good idea! Keep thinking of OTHER dreams you have until you think of one that is at least potentially positive, and that is not insane, murderous or rightfully a life-sentence felony. For example, do not kill a family member just because you've always dreamed of doing so. Don't cut your ear off. There is a difference between a dream and a dark rumination.)
Implement a dream. Be creative. Did you know you can study in most other countries for a small fraction of what it costs to study in the United States, and maybe even get a rent subsidy, with free or ridiculously cheap medical insurance, and the credits are transferable? France covers 100% of bipolar associated medical care and medicine, so it's potentially cheaper to be bipolar there than in the United States.
This time, I am just going as a tourist to a country where many of the essentials of life are less expensive than where I currently live. If I don't like it, I'll have got a round-trip ticket and can come back.
I'm selling everything in my apartment. I'm going with a backpack. Please keep me in your positive imaginations.
P.
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
August 15, 2014 - 6:16 pm
Total Posts: 377
Joined: 03-07-2013
Joined: 03-07-2013
.Jason Mraz - "Love Someone" (Live @ Mraz Organics' Avocado Ranch) utube
keep calm and sing on
.Jason Mraz - "Love Someone" (Live @ Mraz Organics' Avocado Ranch) utube
keep calm and sing on
Joined: 08-11-2012