Near death experience
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May 5, 2018 - 1:44 am
On March 17th (St Patty's Day), I felt so sick after finishing a 7 or 10 day course of antibiotics. My friend took me to the ER. He was informed by the doctors I wasn't going to make it. For two weeks or more, I was in what they termed a "walking heart attack". My heart was operating at 10% of capacity. Soon after arriving I was put into an induced coma & LifeFlighted (helicoptered to another hospital) in the process, I died for four minutes. All I can remember is someone putting white rubbery strips on either side of my body because I was getting CPR and they were about to use the defibrillator on me. I was put, as quickly as they possibly could on a machine called 'ECMO', until against the odds, I came out of it and woke up. I think it was a Tuesday. things are still a little foggy: I hallucinated three days of reality. I thought I was in California again using drugs & drinking. Bikers & Mexican West Oakland crips were looking to snuff me. My little sister (by 4 yrs) a brilliant doctor who now runs a hospital in Oakland for Sutter Health was trying to convince me that I never left Utah, it was so real to me I didn't believe her for two days! I did not have to get a LVAD (Left ventricular something or other device) for two blood clots in the left side of my heart.
The docs were baffled by my rapid recovery and that I was recovering at all. I am stubborn but certainly not THAT stubborn. My church ward prayed for me, my mom and all of my siblings came to my bedside and prayed for me to make it as well. I am still quite weak and my heart is now up to 50% of capacity. I believe those prayers invited the Holy Ghost/Spirit to fill me and save my life along w/good karma for my dedication and service as an addictions (now called substance use disorder) counselor aiding those who suffer to have better lives.
The main thing I learned from this experience is: I am so very rich in the things money cannot buy. My family members took turns to be with me for a few days each, including sisters-in-law and step-siblings. I cried a lot & they tried to re-diagnose me as "rapid cycling bipolar" but the tears were from gratitude and joy + the fact it took me having to die to realize how much I am loved and needed. In 2010 I moved out here to Utah, to go to the treatment center I now work for and end an extended 14 year relapse after having almost 14 years (16 to 29 I was clean). Started out small w/things like getting on knees in the morning, not to humble myself before some deity, but because drugs and alcohol were stronger than me and I had to remember that every day. I needed to accept, acknowledge and surrender to this obvious fact. I have 8 years now. The bridges I burned, the strained relationships I had w/family and 'good friends' I destroyed through self-deception, lies and denial, have all been mended. Trying to be my own doctor and therapist does NOT work out well for me EVER. Life still happens regardless - once again I have to make major lifestyle changes. Polycythemia combined w/sleep apnea and stress brought me down and caused the blood clots. Today I am not a victim I cannot avoid having painful experiences, but through learning and adapting as opposed to making the same mistakes over & over again; I can choose not to suffer & wallow in self pity.
Choosing life is always worth it and today I can look in the mirror and love what what I see, knowing that I'm worthy of having a good life. In fact, I insist on enjoying life, no matter what. My humility threshold was very nearly breached when I had to have someone else (wonderful nurses) wipe my butt after going to the bathroom, like an overgrown baby. So very difficult to acknowledge and accept that I really needed that kind of help.
I've been using mt (tracking moods, sleep patterns, journaling & posting) going on 7 years now. I wanted to share my gratitude and feelings of being so blessed. ALL of us can live productive, happy and contented lives despite having physical, mental and emotional illnesses. I know this to be true: to think back on the person I was seven or eight years ago vs the person I am now; I would have thought (the quality of) the life I live today unfathomable. I was so fricken unbelievably f'd up! Like hopeless - not getting treatment for MH issues, often caused by chemical imbalances in the brain actually causes MORE brain damage to occur.
My hope is that maybe one person who is struggling right now finds inspiration from reading this. Always better to lean in to the discomfort and grow, rather than avoiding facing/dealing w/it while it festers and becomes overwhelming.
-kby-
The docs were baffled by my rapid recovery and that I was recovering at all. I am stubborn but certainly not THAT stubborn. My church ward prayed for me, my mom and all of my siblings came to my bedside and prayed for me to make it as well. I am still quite weak and my heart is now up to 50% of capacity. I believe those prayers invited the Holy Ghost/Spirit to fill me and save my life along w/good karma for my dedication and service as an addictions (now called substance use disorder) counselor aiding those who suffer to have better lives.
The main thing I learned from this experience is: I am so very rich in the things money cannot buy. My family members took turns to be with me for a few days each, including sisters-in-law and step-siblings. I cried a lot & they tried to re-diagnose me as "rapid cycling bipolar" but the tears were from gratitude and joy + the fact it took me having to die to realize how much I am loved and needed. In 2010 I moved out here to Utah, to go to the treatment center I now work for and end an extended 14 year relapse after having almost 14 years (16 to 29 I was clean). Started out small w/things like getting on knees in the morning, not to humble myself before some deity, but because drugs and alcohol were stronger than me and I had to remember that every day. I needed to accept, acknowledge and surrender to this obvious fact. I have 8 years now. The bridges I burned, the strained relationships I had w/family and 'good friends' I destroyed through self-deception, lies and denial, have all been mended. Trying to be my own doctor and therapist does NOT work out well for me EVER. Life still happens regardless - once again I have to make major lifestyle changes. Polycythemia combined w/sleep apnea and stress brought me down and caused the blood clots. Today I am not a victim I cannot avoid having painful experiences, but through learning and adapting as opposed to making the same mistakes over & over again; I can choose not to suffer & wallow in self pity.
Choosing life is always worth it and today I can look in the mirror and love what what I see, knowing that I'm worthy of having a good life. In fact, I insist on enjoying life, no matter what. My humility threshold was very nearly breached when I had to have someone else (wonderful nurses) wipe my butt after going to the bathroom, like an overgrown baby. So very difficult to acknowledge and accept that I really needed that kind of help.
I've been using mt (tracking moods, sleep patterns, journaling & posting) going on 7 years now. I wanted to share my gratitude and feelings of being so blessed. ALL of us can live productive, happy and contented lives despite having physical, mental and emotional illnesses. I know this to be true: to think back on the person I was seven or eight years ago vs the person I am now; I would have thought (the quality of) the life I live today unfathomable. I was so fricken unbelievably f'd up! Like hopeless - not getting treatment for MH issues, often caused by chemical imbalances in the brain actually causes MORE brain damage to occur.
My hope is that maybe one person who is struggling right now finds inspiration from reading this. Always better to lean in to the discomfort and grow, rather than avoiding facing/dealing w/it while it festers and becomes overwhelming.
-kby-
On March 17th (St Patty's Day), I felt so sick after finishing a 7 or 10 day course of antibiotics. My friend took me to the ER. He was informed by the doctors I wasn't going to make it. For two weeks or more, I was in what they termed a "walking heart attack". My heart was operating at 10% of capacity. Soon after arriving I was put into an induced coma & LifeFlighted (helicoptered to another hospital) in the process, I died for four minutes. All I can remember is someone putting white rubbery strips on either side of my body because I was getting CPR and they were about to use the defibrillator on me. I was put, as quickly as they possibly could on a machine called 'ECMO', until against the odds, I came out of it and woke up. I think it was a Tuesday. things are still a little foggy: I hallucinated three days of reality. I thought I was in California again using drugs & drinking. Bikers & Mexican West Oakland crips were looking to snuff me. My little sister (by 4 yrs) a brilliant doctor who now runs a hospital in Oakland for Sutter Health was trying to convince me that I never left Utah, it was so real to me I didn't believe her for two days! I did not have to get a LVAD (Left ventricular something or other device) for two blood clots in the left side of my heart.
The docs were baffled by my rapid recovery and that I was recovering at all. I am stubborn but certainly not THAT stubborn. My church ward prayed for me, my mom and all of my siblings came to my bedside and prayed for me to make it as well. I am still quite weak and my heart is now up to 50% of capacity. I believe those prayers invited the Holy Ghost/Spirit to fill me and save my life along w/good karma for my dedication and service as an addictions (now called substance use disorder) counselor aiding those who suffer to have better lives.
The main thing I learned from this experience is: I am so very rich in the things money cannot buy. My family members took turns to be with me for a few days each, including sisters-in-law and step-siblings. I cried a lot & they tried to re-diagnose me as "rapid cycling bipolar" but the tears were from gratitude and joy + the fact it took me having to die to realize how much I am loved and needed. In 2010 I moved out here to Utah, to go to the treatment center I now work for and end an extended 14 year relapse after having almost 14 years (16 to 29 I was clean). Started out small w/things like getting on knees in the morning, not to humble myself before some deity, but because drugs and alcohol were stronger than me and I had to remember that every day. I needed to accept, acknowledge and surrender to this obvious fact. I have 8 years now. The bridges I burned, the strained relationships I had w/family and 'good friends' I destroyed through self-deception, lies and denial, have all been mended. Trying to be my own doctor and therapist does NOT work out well for me EVER. Life still happens regardless - once again I have to make major lifestyle changes. Polycythemia combined w/sleep apnea and stress brought me down and caused the blood clots. Today I am not a victim I cannot avoid having painful experiences, but through learning and adapting as opposed to making the same mistakes over & over again; I can choose not to suffer & wallow in self pity.
Choosing life is always worth it and today I can look in the mirror and love what what I see, knowing that I'm worthy of having a good life. In fact, I insist on enjoying life, no matter what. My humility threshold was very nearly breached when I had to have someone else (wonderful nurses) wipe my butt after going to the bathroom, like an overgrown baby. So very difficult to acknowledge and accept that I really needed that kind of help.
I've been using mt (tracking moods, sleep patterns, journaling & posting) going on 7 years now. I wanted to share my gratitude and feelings of being so blessed. ALL of us can live productive, happy and contented lives despite having physical, mental and emotional illnesses. I know this to be true: to think back on the person I was seven or eight years ago vs the person I am now; I would have thought (the quality of) the life I live today unfathomable. I was so fricken unbelievably f'd up! Like hopeless - not getting treatment for MH issues, often caused by chemical imbalances in the brain actually causes MORE brain damage to occur.
My hope is that maybe one person who is struggling right now finds inspiration from reading this. Always better to lean in to the discomfort and grow, rather than avoiding facing/dealing w/it while it festers and becomes overwhelming.
-kby-
The docs were baffled by my rapid recovery and that I was recovering at all. I am stubborn but certainly not THAT stubborn. My church ward prayed for me, my mom and all of my siblings came to my bedside and prayed for me to make it as well. I am still quite weak and my heart is now up to 50% of capacity. I believe those prayers invited the Holy Ghost/Spirit to fill me and save my life along w/good karma for my dedication and service as an addictions (now called substance use disorder) counselor aiding those who suffer to have better lives.
The main thing I learned from this experience is: I am so very rich in the things money cannot buy. My family members took turns to be with me for a few days each, including sisters-in-law and step-siblings. I cried a lot & they tried to re-diagnose me as "rapid cycling bipolar" but the tears were from gratitude and joy + the fact it took me having to die to realize how much I am loved and needed. In 2010 I moved out here to Utah, to go to the treatment center I now work for and end an extended 14 year relapse after having almost 14 years (16 to 29 I was clean). Started out small w/things like getting on knees in the morning, not to humble myself before some deity, but because drugs and alcohol were stronger than me and I had to remember that every day. I needed to accept, acknowledge and surrender to this obvious fact. I have 8 years now. The bridges I burned, the strained relationships I had w/family and 'good friends' I destroyed through self-deception, lies and denial, have all been mended. Trying to be my own doctor and therapist does NOT work out well for me EVER. Life still happens regardless - once again I have to make major lifestyle changes. Polycythemia combined w/sleep apnea and stress brought me down and caused the blood clots. Today I am not a victim I cannot avoid having painful experiences, but through learning and adapting as opposed to making the same mistakes over & over again; I can choose not to suffer & wallow in self pity.
Choosing life is always worth it and today I can look in the mirror and love what what I see, knowing that I'm worthy of having a good life. In fact, I insist on enjoying life, no matter what. My humility threshold was very nearly breached when I had to have someone else (wonderful nurses) wipe my butt after going to the bathroom, like an overgrown baby. So very difficult to acknowledge and accept that I really needed that kind of help.
I've been using mt (tracking moods, sleep patterns, journaling & posting) going on 7 years now. I wanted to share my gratitude and feelings of being so blessed. ALL of us can live productive, happy and contented lives despite having physical, mental and emotional illnesses. I know this to be true: to think back on the person I was seven or eight years ago vs the person I am now; I would have thought (the quality of) the life I live today unfathomable. I was so fricken unbelievably f'd up! Like hopeless - not getting treatment for MH issues, often caused by chemical imbalances in the brain actually causes MORE brain damage to occur.
My hope is that maybe one person who is struggling right now finds inspiration from reading this. Always better to lean in to the discomfort and grow, rather than avoiding facing/dealing w/it while it festers and becomes overwhelming.
-kby-
May 11, 2018 - 10:08 am
Total Posts: 868
Joined: 06-12-2011
Joined: 06-12-2011
Hi kby,
Wow—you are a miracle! I too believe in the power of prayer. Amen!!
I am happy you pulled through and come out for the better. It is a good reminder to not wallow in self pity, to take each day as the blessing it is, and to stick with treatment and not be your own doc.
Thank you for sharing and hope you are on your way to a full recovery.
Wow—you are a miracle! I too believe in the power of prayer. Amen!!
I am happy you pulled through and come out for the better. It is a good reminder to not wallow in self pity, to take each day as the blessing it is, and to stick with treatment and not be your own doc.
Thank you for sharing and hope you are on your way to a full recovery.
Hi kby,
Wow—you are a miracle! I too believe in the power of prayer. Amen!!
I am happy you pulled through and come out for the better. It is a good reminder to not wallow in self pity, to take each day as the blessing it is, and to stick with treatment and not be your own doc.
Thank you for sharing and hope you are on your way to a full recovery.
Wow—you are a miracle! I too believe in the power of prayer. Amen!!
I am happy you pulled through and come out for the better. It is a good reminder to not wallow in self pity, to take each day as the blessing it is, and to stick with treatment and not be your own doc.
Thank you for sharing and hope you are on your way to a full recovery.
Joined: 04-20-2010