The disease label

Does anyone else have a problem using the word illness and disease? As long as I have been dx with bipolar disorder, I still cannot call myself ill or diseased. I don't know why, because I see intellectually that it is a disease, but I dont feel it inside. Inside I just feel confused and unsure of myself, and blame myself for being "sick" - like my post I made about not really being bipolar - I think its all related and I cant come to terms with any of it.

I decided to join a bbipolar support group so I coudl start trying to feellike this is real forme, but Im afraid...

I understand completely. I try very hard to avoid thinking of myself as having a disease---a chronic illness I can manage to work my brain around. After all, I took care of a lot of people who had chronic illnesses and still lived pretty good lives. But I refuse to think of myself as diseased in any way. There is just something about that word that really puts me off.

Today was a rough day for me. I felt agitated, extremely irritated and depressed all at once. I HATE that mixed state worse that almost anything else connected with this illness (note how deftly I avoid the D word) You should see my journal--I caught myself thinking I was not ALLOWED to have depression or bipolar illness, that only other people had them, that I just needed more willpower. In short, it was the whole nine yards of denial in written form.

So, I have had this illness for about 10 years and on some days I still can't really admitt its real. I know what you mean. Good luck with the support group.

I don't like the word mental illness or disease either so I have decided to say that I have an affliction. Leaves people speechless when I say that!

As far a a support group goes, I joined one in mid December and wow! It is great to have new friends who know what it feels like to be bi-polar. I think you should give it a shot.

I wonder how I can be in denial for so long, but I see what youmean. Maybe I am. At times I feel like I have accepted this but deep down I haven't. I blame msyelf for everything wrong with me. I think I have dealt with being gay a lot easier than being bipolar.
I was raised in a househodl verymuch against taking prescription medication for mental illnesses. I was told all I needed to do was to believe in God more. I still tell myself sometimes that maybe I do need to just give in and let God heal me. I know that sounds wacko, but I guess my faith has been tested by this and I have found that I am lacking in the faith department sometimes, so it has happened that I have blamed myself because of this. Like if I were more observant of a jew then I would be healthier mentally.

Don't beat yourself up. You have an affliction that millions of other people have. You just have to give it time to sink in. Acceptance takes time and alot of support.
Right now I am severely manic and know that I need to call the doctor so he can adjust my meds but I am going to try to manage until my appointment in two weeks. Don't know if this is a good idea or not but I made my decision.
Take Care.

I know you have made up your mind, but its my guess that if you are really severely manic that you need to call the doctor NOW or else risk "the hospital." When severely manic I hear things that aren't there, see things that aren't there and get hysterical. So maybe I have a different perception of the phrase, but when you say that it worries me... Whatever you decide, be well...

Syentzer: I vote with CAhulaw2007 on this (even if you are not taking a poll). Its not like you get brownie points for waiting for help. If you thought your appendix was about to burst, would you wait to see your doctor just because you had a physical already scheduled in two weeks?

I know, thinking thru mania (or hypomania) is not that simple, but isn't that sometimes what the rest of us are here for, to put it in start, simple black and white. Please call your doctor before your appendix bursts(Opps, I mean before your brain chemistry burbs all over you)

CAhulaw2007: Yes, denial is nasty and I really don't think its addressed in any treatment plans. Right now, for instance, I have no AD on board because we are slowly getting me on lamictal. My pdoc just says, "You take the least clonazepam of all my patients--just take some more to make it easier till we get you therapeutic again." Well, thanks to my nurse training, I fight tooth and nail about taking more benzos and if I cave when it gets bad and use the extra(bringing me to an entire 1.5 mg for 24 hours usually) I feel like I have personally failed at something, somehow. And there are good reasons why other meds are not an option, I have Blood Pressure and weight gain issues with almost everything else.

Oh, and my family had the British Stiff Upper lip, almost as bad for condeming psych drugs as religion.

Please, somebody get the river denial out of my living room, I have no flood insurance. And some days the water gets too high.

I'm really super manic today. Have alot of energy and am accomplishing alot. I know though when you're up, theres only one way to go. Not something I am looking forward to.

syentzer,

Have you already educated yourself on the difference between mania and hypomania? In your brief post it sounds like you may be experiencing hypomania which still allows you a measure of control. Does your mania progress to out-of -control behaviors? Or will you merely suddenly and unexpectedly plunge into an abyss of suicidal depression? If either of these is at all likely to occur, then I really hope that you call your pdoc while you still have the mental capacity to do so.


K

CAhulaw,

I too often feel like having less than optimal mental health is a personal failure. It has helped me to educte myself on the reality of what is known about the physical causes in our brains. No therapist or pdoc has ever told me much even when I ask direct questions. I am so thankful for the internet and sites such as this. My favorite site to really understand the nuts and bolts of mental health is www.psycheducation.org .

It doesn't help any that media has portrayed mental health issues in a very distorted way. It is true that we can't openly discuss our health like most other people can. I sometimes just mention that I have health issues when it somehow comes up in conversations with new aquaintances. As soon as is reasonable though, I do like to let people know that I have MENTAL health issues. By discussing my situation casually at least I feel like I'm doing my small part in making our health issues as acceptable as it should be.

And about the idea that having more faith would cure us. If that were true then the apostles would still be alive today. Imperfect people get sick. Miraculous cures were rare even in Bible times and those people did get sick again and eventually die. My faith in God certainly helps me cope with health issues, but it doesn't cure me.

K

Lizabeth, I thought I was over the whole denial issue, but I guess I'm not.

Its funny - its almost like mymemories of the things ihave done while manic seem like they happened to another person. Like it was not me who dove out of amoving vehicle or tried to jump off a third story balcony. Sobering thoughts I guess. But I have not done anything that completely crazy in a long time. That was the me without medication. Its managing myself daily that is a chore. i never know if I am being "ill" or just lazy. I hear what you're saying though.

Kef - my faith does help, but it isn't the end all be all I think it should be. But I try to be easy on myself and just have a hard time doing that.

Hey there.
Called my doc yesterday afternoon and he called back this afternoon and wanted to see me right away. He could tell just by looking at me that I was in severe mania. He changed the dose of Seroquel to 300mg and gave me the extended release tablets.
Looking back, I can see that I have had this disorder since childhood but it manifested itself as severe depression.
My husband has a tendency to define me by my bipolar disorder. What I mean is the "I am bipolar instead of I have bipolar. This drives me "nuts" Does anyone else have this problem with a significant other?

Hi Syentzer: I am glad you talked with your pdoc. Yes, many of us go for help for depression long before we know about mania or hypomania.

No, I don't have this problem with my husband. There is, however one former friend---and he used to be one of my best friends and his wife still is so it hurts. Once I got a "mental health" diagnosis it was as if I wasn't a person to him anymore. And he is a health care professional so he should know better.

As I said, I don't have the problem with my husband but there have been other things that have come up that we have had to talk about. Like how irritable I am getting during this med transition thing and my increased reaction to stimuli like the TV. I used to be able to just ignore it, now if it is on and I am not watching it , it drives me crazy. So now we turn it off.

Maybe talking with your husband about this bipolar definition would help. There are also sites with support groups for families and books written to help families understand bipolar better. The other thing is, be sure YOU don't think of yourself as being bipolar instead of having bipolar on some level. I have to really watch that in myself--and unspoken language says more than we sometimes realize.

I'm glad you called your doctor - good choice. Boy that seroquel knocked me on my @$$, I tried to get up the next day and drive and ran my car into my other vehicle int he driveway. Bad scene so seroquel is not for me. BUT it did seem to work to do what it was supposed to do. Hope everything gets better for you.

My significant other does do this a little bit, and it does make me angry sometimes, but themore I talk to her and explain toher thebetter it is. Its hard to explain to people who dont have these problems though. I havent yet purchased any books about bipolar and think maybe I should so I can share soem of it with her. Maybe that would help too besides me talking about it.