Guilt is eating me alive
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March 28, 2009 - 7:05 pm
Man! I messed up. Last week my brother called me to say that today there was going to be a BBQ for my mom. (She has terminal cancer) Although I was dreading going, mostly because I'd have to be around 2 of my sisters, I did make the plans. It's a two hour drive from my house to the sight. A few days after my brother called I was talking to my mom on the phone and asked her what I should bring to the BBQ. She told me that it wasn't really anything big. Just bring some meat for my family to eat. I asked her what it was all about and she said it was just something to do. I still planned on going but then this morning let my husband talk me out of it. He works 12 hours each night and would have to be awake for two full days straight if he went to the BBQ. It was also raining hard and wasn't going to let up all day. He call my mom and bowed out.
Now for the sh**y part. I called my mom this evening to see how her day had gone and found out that I'd missed her living wake. There had been friends and family from all over at the BBQ giving her gifts and celebrating her life with her.
Mom said she understands why my family wasn't there but I'm sure it must hurt her. My oldest sister, one I wanted to avoid, however is mad. She told my mom that she'd have a talk to me.
I could have gone without my husband. Why did I let him talk me out of it? I feel like the worst child a mom ever had. I didn't even come to her living wake.
Now for the sh**y part. I called my mom this evening to see how her day had gone and found out that I'd missed her living wake. There had been friends and family from all over at the BBQ giving her gifts and celebrating her life with her.
Mom said she understands why my family wasn't there but I'm sure it must hurt her. My oldest sister, one I wanted to avoid, however is mad. She told my mom that she'd have a talk to me.
I could have gone without my husband. Why did I let him talk me out of it? I feel like the worst child a mom ever had. I didn't even come to her living wake.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
Man! I messed up. Last week my brother called me to say that today there was going to be a BBQ for my mom. (She has terminal cancer) Although I was dreading going, mostly because I'd have to be around 2 of my sisters, I did make the plans. It's a two hour drive from my house to the sight. A few days after my brother called I was talking to my mom on the phone and asked her what I should bring to the BBQ. She told me that it wasn't really anything big. Just bring some meat for my family to eat. I asked her what it was all about and she said it was just something to do. I still planned on going but then this morning let my husband talk me out of it. He works 12 hours each night and would have to be awake for two full days straight if he went to the BBQ. It was also raining hard and wasn't going to let up all day. He call my mom and bowed out.
Now for the sh**y part. I called my mom this evening to see how her day had gone and found out that I'd missed her living wake. There had been friends and family from all over at the BBQ giving her gifts and celebrating her life with her.
Mom said she understands why my family wasn't there but I'm sure it must hurt her. My oldest sister, one I wanted to avoid, however is mad. She told my mom that she'd have a talk to me.
I could have gone without my husband. Why did I let him talk me out of it? I feel like the worst child a mom ever had. I didn't even come to her living wake.
Now for the sh**y part. I called my mom this evening to see how her day had gone and found out that I'd missed her living wake. There had been friends and family from all over at the BBQ giving her gifts and celebrating her life with her.
Mom said she understands why my family wasn't there but I'm sure it must hurt her. My oldest sister, one I wanted to avoid, however is mad. She told my mom that she'd have a talk to me.
I could have gone without my husband. Why did I let him talk me out of it? I feel like the worst child a mom ever had. I didn't even come to her living wake.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
March 28, 2009 - 8:35 pm
Total Posts: 203
Joined: 01-27-2009
Joined: 01-27-2009
Don't bother posting any reply's to that. I know it's not about being bipolar so I shouldn't have posted it on this forum. I'm just alone right now and needed to vent.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
Don't bother posting any reply's to that. I know it's not about being bipolar so I shouldn't have posted it on this forum. I'm just alone right now and needed to vent.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
March 29, 2009 - 4:53 am
Total Posts: 36
Joined: 02-12-2009
Joined: 02-12-2009
Mooky, sometimes excessive guilt IS bipolar related. Your moods and emotions pull you all over the place, your thoughts race and you feel awful.
You didn't miss the wake because you are a bad child, you missed out on the wake because of a communication breakdown. There is a big difference between a BBQ and a Living Wake. I am sure that if you'd known it was a living wake, you would have done everything to be there.
I'm sorry that you'll have to deal with an angry sister because that adds to your stress. One of the major triggers for my son's bipolar is rejection or disapproval. It is a major crisis for him and mucks him up for a while. That is another reason why I say your post is bipolar related. You are in a crisis and there are many people here who can relate to the stress of it all. You shouldn't go through this alone.
Kind regards,
Kelpie
You didn't miss the wake because you are a bad child, you missed out on the wake because of a communication breakdown. There is a big difference between a BBQ and a Living Wake. I am sure that if you'd known it was a living wake, you would have done everything to be there.
I'm sorry that you'll have to deal with an angry sister because that adds to your stress. One of the major triggers for my son's bipolar is rejection or disapproval. It is a major crisis for him and mucks him up for a while. That is another reason why I say your post is bipolar related. You are in a crisis and there are many people here who can relate to the stress of it all. You shouldn't go through this alone.
Kind regards,
Kelpie
Mooky, sometimes excessive guilt IS bipolar related. Your moods and emotions pull you all over the place, your thoughts race and you feel awful.
You didn't miss the wake because you are a bad child, you missed out on the wake because of a communication breakdown. There is a big difference between a BBQ and a Living Wake. I am sure that if you'd known it was a living wake, you would have done everything to be there.
I'm sorry that you'll have to deal with an angry sister because that adds to your stress. One of the major triggers for my son's bipolar is rejection or disapproval. It is a major crisis for him and mucks him up for a while. That is another reason why I say your post is bipolar related. You are in a crisis and there are many people here who can relate to the stress of it all. You shouldn't go through this alone.
Kind regards,
Kelpie
You didn't miss the wake because you are a bad child, you missed out on the wake because of a communication breakdown. There is a big difference between a BBQ and a Living Wake. I am sure that if you'd known it was a living wake, you would have done everything to be there.
I'm sorry that you'll have to deal with an angry sister because that adds to your stress. One of the major triggers for my son's bipolar is rejection or disapproval. It is a major crisis for him and mucks him up for a while. That is another reason why I say your post is bipolar related. You are in a crisis and there are many people here who can relate to the stress of it all. You shouldn't go through this alone.
Kind regards,
Kelpie
March 29, 2009 - 9:00 am
Total Posts: 203
Joined: 01-27-2009
Joined: 01-27-2009
Kelpie
Thank you so much for the post. I did manage to head off the sister I wrote about by sending her an e-mail asking her why she hadn't told me what was going on. That at least helped a bit. Rejection has always hit me hard too. I'm trying very hard to realize that it wasn't my fault and I thank you very much for pointing that out. Soon my husband will be home from work so at least I can be held and comforted a bit.
A lot of tears stained my pillow last night but I'm trying hard to feel better.
Mooky
Thank you so much for the post. I did manage to head off the sister I wrote about by sending her an e-mail asking her why she hadn't told me what was going on. That at least helped a bit. Rejection has always hit me hard too. I'm trying very hard to realize that it wasn't my fault and I thank you very much for pointing that out. Soon my husband will be home from work so at least I can be held and comforted a bit.
A lot of tears stained my pillow last night but I'm trying hard to feel better.
Mooky
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
Kelpie
Thank you so much for the post. I did manage to head off the sister I wrote about by sending her an e-mail asking her why she hadn't told me what was going on. That at least helped a bit. Rejection has always hit me hard too. I'm trying very hard to realize that it wasn't my fault and I thank you very much for pointing that out. Soon my husband will be home from work so at least I can be held and comforted a bit.
A lot of tears stained my pillow last night but I'm trying hard to feel better.
Mooky
Thank you so much for the post. I did manage to head off the sister I wrote about by sending her an e-mail asking her why she hadn't told me what was going on. That at least helped a bit. Rejection has always hit me hard too. I'm trying very hard to realize that it wasn't my fault and I thank you very much for pointing that out. Soon my husband will be home from work so at least I can be held and comforted a bit.
A lot of tears stained my pillow last night but I'm trying hard to feel better.
Mooky
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
Joined: 01-27-2009