Saying Goodbye to Mom

I'm not sure where to post this, because the topic really doesn't fit much of anywhere. I supposed since my diagnosis is Bipolar, I'll post it here.

I haven't been on the boards for a while because my Mother passed away on March 15th. It was a rather unexpected course of events and I wanted to share with those of you whom I've come to know and appreciate so well!

My Mom was 74 and had Acute Leukemia. She was taking chemotherapy to try to kill the cancer in her bone marrow. This made her platellets very low. On 3/10, she was rolling her garbage out to the curb when she fell on the driveway and hit her head. This injury caused a bleed in her brain. Because her blood counts were so low, the injury was not able to clot and it because evident pretty quickly that she would die from the trauma.

I flew home to Georgia, from New York, to be with my family and to see Mom. She was in the ICU. After we talked to the Neurosurgeon, it was abundantly clear to us that any treatment they gave her would only prolong her life and not save her life. So, we decided to take her home, with hospice, so that she could be with family and friends. She was a very social person (like me!!).

I am the oldest daughter and the final decision to remove all treatment landed on me. It was the hardest decision of my life. But, I know that my mother did NOT want life support or heroic measures. When we got her home, she relaxed and became peaceful. Many, many friends and family came to see her and love her and hug her. It was beautiful. She was home for three days, and then quietly, peacefully, and gently, went to be with her Lord.

I'm still pretty numb. I feel nothing. I didn't cry at the funeral, because I knew she was in a better place with a healed and whole body. I'm at work, doing what I have to do. Next week, I go back to Georgia to fulfill my role as Executor of the estate. It will be complicated.

I had been having a terrible time sleeping. But my Pdoc changed my regular Seroquel to and extended release Seroquel. That is really doing the job. I have been sleeping 7 or 8 hours nearly every night. However, there's never enough sleep. I could sleep all day if someone would let me. But, I'm just too darned responsible.

Anyway, I just wanted to share. I wanted to tell y'all what happened. I didn't just drop off the face of the earth.

Be well,
Jules

My condolences on the loss of your mother. My mom died at home in hospice care, as well. I know how difficult it can be. The numb feeling goes away after awhile. Make sure you have support people in your life you can talk to about this.

Jules, I send many positive thoughts your way. I lost my Mother while she was in hospice care too. It is one of the best gifts you can give someone at that stage in their life; it is still hard on those left behind.

Please remember to take time for yourself and set limits for what you can and cannot do. Hopefully you will have help from your family and friends now. Most good hospice programs offer family after-care too.

Best wishes always.

Jules
My condolence
Mooky.

Hi Jules,
I don't know you, I'm new here...but nonetheless I offer you my condolences. It's so wonderful to know that she's with Jesus. Just try and take peace and comfort in that, love. And it sounds like you may already have.

God Bless you and your family

Thank you all for your very kind and sensitive responses to my post. This has been a difficult time for me.... mainly due to the fatigue and the numbness. I HATE not feeling anything. I don't get it. I am such a passionate, expressive person... and right now, all of my emotions are completely blunted. This, of all things, has taken me by surprise.

Nicoelle.... you are right. I take great solace in knowing that mother's eternity is sealed with Jesus. I have no doubt where she is and how happy she is. I have absolutely no doubt that I will see her again. None. The moment she breathed her last breath, she awoke with the Lord that she loved so much. I would never take that from her.

Lizabeth... I have to go back to Georgia next week to start addressing Mom's affairs in earnest. I think I will contact the hospice to talk to someone. They did offer to support us for up to six months following Mom's death. We should take advantage of that.

The others who offered they condolences... thank you, thank you... it means so much. Your support... especially knowing that you KNOW the mental health issue that I struggle with... is priceless. This will not be easy. I just feel like I'm going to explode somewhere... and It terrifies me that it might be somewhere that I don't want it to happen.

Be well,
Jules
the numb one

As somone who has both exploded and been too paralyzed with anxiety to get out of bed, I can tell you the actual event is not as bad as the imagining of it. And oddly enough the two manifestations are related--I just couldn't take it (my high stress job) anymore and my body really had to shout to get my attention.

My Dad died within a few months of my MIL, and he had wanted my husband to be his executor, we had to turn that one over to my brother because we just couldn't handle two at the same time--is there someone in your family who could do some of it with/for you. You already do so much, I hoped you aren't pushed over into too much, your mother would not want that I am sure.

Dearest numb one.
I understand completely. My mother has recently been dxed with small cell cancer and could pretty much leave us any day. Numbness as well as a kind of fatalistic feeling fill me most of the time.
I do explode into tears or anger sometimes but then I just shut down again.
I spend many days laying in bed wishing I was sleeping and many nights with nightmares, wishing I was awake.
There is one thing I learned though. Don't try to feel what you don't. Everyone is effected differently by these kinds of thing. Just because you can't cry as much as someone else doesn't mean you didn't care for your mother. Bipolar or not.
Please make sure to take some time each day to take care of yourself.
I'm glad that you have your religion to help you at this time.
Be well.

Dear Jules,
I am new to this site.
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I too lost my mother. She died of Breast Cancer 27 years ago this Aug 3rd. I was 12 years old. I am diagnosed Bipolar 2. I believe it started even before my mother died but I wasn't actually diagnosed until 2002. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't grieve for my mother. I am angry, anxious, irritable, severely depressed and all mixed up all the time. To this day I am still overwhelmed by her death. Sometimes I am so distraut that my family and friends tell me it is time to let go. I don't know how to do that. I have been told I blame myself. I have been told I use her death as a crutch, I have been told I have supressed my entire relationship with her because the only memories I have are of her dying. You need to greive and no matter how you react to your loss, please know that there is no right or wrong way for greiving.
If you ever need to talk, please feel free to contact me.

Oh, Mooks..... I am SO sorry to hear the tragic news about your Mom's dx. It would be nice if we could just give each other a big ole hug.

I am aware that my inability to feel anything has nothing to do with how much I loved my mother. I am just surprised to be this "unfeeling" about her death. Right now, this week, I am in Georgia (from NY), taking care of the business end of settling her estate. The feeling I have is anxiety... and flashes of anger at the complexity of this process. I mean, I'm a smart chick with lots of resources and I find the process rather daunting. I have no idea how folks with very few resources (emotional & financial) even begin to successfully manage this process! Maybe my psyche knows that I need my numbness in order to survive the tasks that are set before me as the one in charge.

aech... I am also sorry to hear about your loss. I have no doubt that loosing your mother at 12 years old was tragic and traumatic to you. I can only imagine the pain and frustration of living your teen years without a Mom to guide you.

What I do know, for a fact, is that people only behave in ways that work for them. As humans, we only do things that we have, in some way, determined to work for us. The "problem" behavior always gets us something that we need. So, as long as intense grief works for you, you will continue to hold on to it. That leaves you with two options: 1) relax and accept it. you're getting a need met. 2) figure out why it's working for you, what you're getting out of it... and then figure out a different, healthier way to get that need met.

Fighting against it is a lousy option. It doesn't do any good to fight against it. It won't go away until you figure out what need you're meeting by holding onto your grief. And I would guess it is not anything so deep as a repressed memory. I would guess it is a basic human need. So, either accept yourself as a grieving daughter and to heck with what others say.... OR figure out what you need and get that need met another way. You will not denigrate the memory of your precious mother by living your life. As a matter of fact, you will honor her by a life well lived if you choose to get your needs met in other ways than your grief.

The choice is always yours. Bipolar does not rob us of free will. It just makes life a bit more of challenge when it decides to rear its ugly head!

Be well,
Jules