Imposter

I've recently been diagnosed with BPII and am struggling to accept it. Although I can see that I have been suffering from the symptoms, it's as though I don't want to admit that it could be true. If I really did have some "disease", then that means that some important categories of my behavior are not of my choosing. But, I can't shake the idea that I am just making this all up, or faking the symptoms, or just a destructively worthless person. The thing is, no matter how extreme the symptom (or behavior), or how perfectly it fits the diagnostic criteria, I know I'd still believe I was an imposter.

Does anyone have some feedback?

Welcome to the club.
I think all of us have doubted our DX at one time or another. I know i sure have. I look back at all the crazy stuff i've done and make excuses for it like....I was really tired, of course I got giggly...or My blood sugar must have been low or I wouldn't have been so down about every thing.
The truth is I'm bipolar 1 and I've had to face it.
The thing that really convinced me of it was when I actually got on the right meds. I know that sounds strange but suddenly my family was happier and thanking the stars that they finally had a "normal" mom in the house.
That's when I realized that even though I'd felt normal before that isn't the way others saw me.
How we feel and how others see us can be very different.
The only impostor is the person with BP that tries to ignore it and say it ain't so.

I don't know if I've helped at all but I tried.
Take care.

Yes, Denial is more than a river in Egypt. I don't know of anyone with Mental Health issues (or for that matter any serious health issue) that hasn't gone there. I have. It is so easy to think that the only real issues are will power and self discipline---at least those are the things I tell myself when in Denial Mode.

But really, its not true. BP is a real illness. They even have MRIs now showing brain activity differences for mentally ill people. Of course they can't base any treatments off of these MRIs yet, but they do put an end to the "its not real" thought.

I also can tell by when my meds are working. I am still in the middle of a major switch around from a changed dx to Bipolar II from Major Depression. The SSRI I was on stopped working, the new meds are not tweaked right yet and I can sure feel the difference. Thats as real as it gets.

Definately understand those feelings.

I'm a graduate student working on becoming a therapist. Before taking our diagnostic classes they always warn us to not read too much into the symptoms and start diagnosing ourselves.

However, something I read in my text book actually was what made me realize that I wasn't being a hypochondriac and that there was actually something more going on. Sure enough, my hunch was right and I'm finally making the right steps.

Its still hard to get people to realize that mental illness is REAL. I struggle with letting my parents believe that all the time. My mom thinks I should be able to just get over it. I can't get over this any easier than grandpa could just will his diabetes to go away.

Oh boy, yes a lot of my denial comes from hearing my parents voices in my head. When I was little, one of my older cousins had depression problems and my parents just kept saying she should just "snap herself out of it" Now the treatments they had then (1960s) weren't so great but you still couldn't just 'snap yourself out of it". But its hard to ignore parently voices, dead or alive.

absolutely, apodeictic. Every day. And I fear that this will never end (dx'd 3 yrs ago) because it makes me feel ashamed every time I take my meds in spite of what the pdoc says and how my therapist is so tired of my angst about it.

I'm doing better than I was then, for sure, but I can't say it's the meds and therapy. So I always want to stop the meds and see if I can really keep myself together without them.

I worry that I faked it- like you said. Why? What a crazy thing to do. Some twisted need for attention? But, like you, I look back and see symptoms all the way back to childhood. I just kept under the radar with it all and coped in my own bizarre ways.

I am so haunted by this I want to tear my hair out sometimes.

Why do we keep wanting to stop meds, plenty of other illnesses need meds long term--like heart patients or diabetics, or for some types of cancer ,or for high blood pressure (the other BP) and they don't constantly feel bad about taking meds. Is it just the side effects or something else?

Lizabeth: I think its because it is sometimes harder to accept the reality of the diagnosis. For diabetics, they have a biological test that says, "Here you're diabetic." They take insulin or metformin and feel better and know that their livelihood is dependent on it.

Also, we're used to "take this medicine to feel better." Most people don't take tylenol when they're not in pain or sudafed when their nose is clear. So the idea of taking meds when we feel fine is hard to swallow (pun intended).

I know in my case I sometimes feel pressure from others. People say all the time, "You really have to take that medication for the rest of your life." Yes. I do. But its better than the alternative.