A Stranger: Myself
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April 6, 2009 - 7:47 am
My wife confronted me about some of the dishonest and destructive things I've done when I'm in pain. I was forced to face the fact that many/most of these behaviors are irrational (apart from the fact that they are desperate acts of an apparently desperate mind). I am reeling as I try to make sense of these things. The self I am (right now) can't seem to identify with the 'self' who does/did these things. Even so, I know it was me; I remember doing those things on purpose. But, my actions don’t fit with either my personality or my common sense. I am nauseated and afraid to think that “this” is really me; without help, or well-managed medication, or structure… this is really me. I thought I knew myself better than this.
My wife confronted me about some of the dishonest and destructive things I've done when I'm in pain. I was forced to face the fact that many/most of these behaviors are irrational (apart from the fact that they are desperate acts of an apparently desperate mind). I am reeling as I try to make sense of these things. The self I am (right now) can't seem to identify with the 'self' who does/did these things. Even so, I know it was me; I remember doing those things on purpose. But, my actions don’t fit with either my personality or my common sense. I am nauseated and afraid to think that “this” is really me; without help, or well-managed medication, or structure… this is really me. I thought I knew myself better than this.
April 6, 2009 - 3:50 pm
Total Posts: 203
Joined: 01-27-2009
Joined: 01-27-2009
The "me" we are now is not a definite. We change and grow and change and fall back sometimes.
My husband calls me Mooky rev 27. We've been married nearly 25 years and I have changed personality so many times we can't count. Some, like the one before this one, is very embarrassing and confusing. There is no way I would think to do the things I did then but it was me. It was me at one of the most desperate and poorly medicated times in my life.
I too thought I knew myself but as I look back I think that there's know way that that person was me. I lied and used people. I cost us money we couldn't afford.
Now that my meds are changed and I'm the most "Normal" I've ever been i can't believe what I've done in my life.
You're statement that "this is really me." is wrong to my way of thinking. The real me is the one that isn't being screwed with by a mind that is chemically unbalanced. The real you is the one that can look back and realize that the things you did aren't what you think of as right.
That's the only way i can make it through my day. If i thought the way you did about my past incarnations I'd give up. I couldn't go on any more.
I have to remind myself that the unmedicated me isn't the real me. It's the messed up me.
Only with meds can i be the me I want to become.
My husband calls me Mooky rev 27. We've been married nearly 25 years and I have changed personality so many times we can't count. Some, like the one before this one, is very embarrassing and confusing. There is no way I would think to do the things I did then but it was me. It was me at one of the most desperate and poorly medicated times in my life.
I too thought I knew myself but as I look back I think that there's know way that that person was me. I lied and used people. I cost us money we couldn't afford.
Now that my meds are changed and I'm the most "Normal" I've ever been i can't believe what I've done in my life.
You're statement that "this is really me." is wrong to my way of thinking. The real me is the one that isn't being screwed with by a mind that is chemically unbalanced. The real you is the one that can look back and realize that the things you did aren't what you think of as right.
That's the only way i can make it through my day. If i thought the way you did about my past incarnations I'd give up. I couldn't go on any more.
I have to remind myself that the unmedicated me isn't the real me. It's the messed up me.
Only with meds can i be the me I want to become.
43.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The "me" we are now is not a definite. We change and grow and change and fall back sometimes.
My husband calls me Mooky rev 27. We've been married nearly 25 years and I have changed personality so many times we can't count. Some, like the one before this one, is very embarrassing and confusing. There is no way I would think to do the things I did then but it was me. It was me at one of the most desperate and poorly medicated times in my life.
I too thought I knew myself but as I look back I think that there's know way that that person was me. I lied and used people. I cost us money we couldn't afford.
Now that my meds are changed and I'm the most "Normal" I've ever been i can't believe what I've done in my life.
You're statement that "this is really me." is wrong to my way of thinking. The real me is the one that isn't being screwed with by a mind that is chemically unbalanced. The real you is the one that can look back and realize that the things you did aren't what you think of as right.
That's the only way i can make it through my day. If i thought the way you did about my past incarnations I'd give up. I couldn't go on any more.
I have to remind myself that the unmedicated me isn't the real me. It's the messed up me.
Only with meds can i be the me I want to become.
My husband calls me Mooky rev 27. We've been married nearly 25 years and I have changed personality so many times we can't count. Some, like the one before this one, is very embarrassing and confusing. There is no way I would think to do the things I did then but it was me. It was me at one of the most desperate and poorly medicated times in my life.
I too thought I knew myself but as I look back I think that there's know way that that person was me. I lied and used people. I cost us money we couldn't afford.
Now that my meds are changed and I'm the most "Normal" I've ever been i can't believe what I've done in my life.
You're statement that "this is really me." is wrong to my way of thinking. The real me is the one that isn't being screwed with by a mind that is chemically unbalanced. The real you is the one that can look back and realize that the things you did aren't what you think of as right.
That's the only way i can make it through my day. If i thought the way you did about my past incarnations I'd give up. I couldn't go on any more.
I have to remind myself that the unmedicated me isn't the real me. It's the messed up me.
Only with meds can i be the me I want to become.
43.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
April 9, 2009 - 8:38 pm
Total Posts: 36
Joined: 02-12-2009
Joined: 02-12-2009
My 25yo son said to me just the other day, "My life is so different when I'm on meds. Life is good. Meds are good". He was so mature about it. In the years past he's done some totally diabolical things to us. He doesn't want that kind of fractured life anymore. He is medicated and looking forward towards better things and a more stable way of life.
I don't know if his personal revelation is a different incarnation of part of his cycling, but I know I felt proud. He went through a lot of discomfort and fiddling around to find the right meds for him. He persisted with unpleasant side effects etc and now he's on meds that suit him.
I can say from experience that family and friends have a great desire to see their bipolar loved ones become stable. I know it isn't possible for everyone to achieve. But if you are sincere and stick to your meds, people who love you will forgive just about anything.
Being called up on your unsavoury behaviors is sometimes a good thing. It opens the door for reconciliation and an action plan for any future episodes of being unsettled.
Kelpie
I don't know if his personal revelation is a different incarnation of part of his cycling, but I know I felt proud. He went through a lot of discomfort and fiddling around to find the right meds for him. He persisted with unpleasant side effects etc and now he's on meds that suit him.
I can say from experience that family and friends have a great desire to see their bipolar loved ones become stable. I know it isn't possible for everyone to achieve. But if you are sincere and stick to your meds, people who love you will forgive just about anything.
Being called up on your unsavoury behaviors is sometimes a good thing. It opens the door for reconciliation and an action plan for any future episodes of being unsettled.
Kelpie
My 25yo son said to me just the other day, "My life is so different when I'm on meds. Life is good. Meds are good". He was so mature about it. In the years past he's done some totally diabolical things to us. He doesn't want that kind of fractured life anymore. He is medicated and looking forward towards better things and a more stable way of life.
I don't know if his personal revelation is a different incarnation of part of his cycling, but I know I felt proud. He went through a lot of discomfort and fiddling around to find the right meds for him. He persisted with unpleasant side effects etc and now he's on meds that suit him.
I can say from experience that family and friends have a great desire to see their bipolar loved ones become stable. I know it isn't possible for everyone to achieve. But if you are sincere and stick to your meds, people who love you will forgive just about anything.
Being called up on your unsavoury behaviors is sometimes a good thing. It opens the door for reconciliation and an action plan for any future episodes of being unsettled.
Kelpie
I don't know if his personal revelation is a different incarnation of part of his cycling, but I know I felt proud. He went through a lot of discomfort and fiddling around to find the right meds for him. He persisted with unpleasant side effects etc and now he's on meds that suit him.
I can say from experience that family and friends have a great desire to see their bipolar loved ones become stable. I know it isn't possible for everyone to achieve. But if you are sincere and stick to your meds, people who love you will forgive just about anything.
Being called up on your unsavoury behaviors is sometimes a good thing. It opens the door for reconciliation and an action plan for any future episodes of being unsettled.
Kelpie
Joined: 04-04-2009