longtime tracker; first time writer
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April 15, 2009 - 9:15 pm
Okay, here goes. Bipolar II rapid cycle, mixed episodes & Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) primary diagnoses. Anyone else out there with BPD as well? I have a hard time telling the difference between the mood swings for BP versus BPD. Then again, I guess it probably doesn't matter - it all blends together into nastiness. Anyway, this question has been posed already but I haven't seen clear answer. What do I put on the chart when I'm elevated AND depressed at the same time (the definition of "mixed episode")? How do I track that on the chart?
I read a post that talked about how he/she needs more personal space when in a mood, and I heartily concur. I also have trouble letting people touch me, talk to me, or even see me when I'm in a mood (but is that mania or depression? I don't understand, though I've lived with this for years). I literally hide, and I find that I have to be as close to the ground as possible -- sit on the floor instead of chair, sit on ground outside. I guess I feel more hidden that way? Also retreat with headphones and sunglasses. Cocoon, trying to "stop the mental trains," as I like to put it. Or just giving in. Sometimes I become the spectator while the disorders run the show.
I feel shy and a little stupid sharing like this ... I am very hard on myself, my worst enemy, lots of self-harm goes with my diagnosis, but that's more BPD than bipolar. I want concrete answers, B&W, clear-cut, but I know one bleeds into the next. It bothers me that I can't perfectly separate and categorize these disorders.
(Aside: Read this through before posting and couldn't help but notice and comment on my completely unintentional but totally Freudian use of words "clear-cut" and "bleed" when discussing self-harm. If you know what I mean, you'll know what I mean.)
So - question on tracking mixed episodes with two polar extremes occuring simultaneously, and is anyone else out there with a comorbid disorder?
Thanks --
I read a post that talked about how he/she needs more personal space when in a mood, and I heartily concur. I also have trouble letting people touch me, talk to me, or even see me when I'm in a mood (but is that mania or depression? I don't understand, though I've lived with this for years). I literally hide, and I find that I have to be as close to the ground as possible -- sit on the floor instead of chair, sit on ground outside. I guess I feel more hidden that way? Also retreat with headphones and sunglasses. Cocoon, trying to "stop the mental trains," as I like to put it. Or just giving in. Sometimes I become the spectator while the disorders run the show.
I feel shy and a little stupid sharing like this ... I am very hard on myself, my worst enemy, lots of self-harm goes with my diagnosis, but that's more BPD than bipolar. I want concrete answers, B&W, clear-cut, but I know one bleeds into the next. It bothers me that I can't perfectly separate and categorize these disorders.
(Aside: Read this through before posting and couldn't help but notice and comment on my completely unintentional but totally Freudian use of words "clear-cut" and "bleed" when discussing self-harm. If you know what I mean, you'll know what I mean.)
So - question on tracking mixed episodes with two polar extremes occuring simultaneously, and is anyone else out there with a comorbid disorder?
Thanks --
NightOwl
Okay, here goes. Bipolar II rapid cycle, mixed episodes & Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) primary diagnoses. Anyone else out there with BPD as well? I have a hard time telling the difference between the mood swings for BP versus BPD. Then again, I guess it probably doesn't matter - it all blends together into nastiness. Anyway, this question has been posed already but I haven't seen clear answer. What do I put on the chart when I'm elevated AND depressed at the same time (the definition of "mixed episode")? How do I track that on the chart?
I read a post that talked about how he/she needs more personal space when in a mood, and I heartily concur. I also have trouble letting people touch me, talk to me, or even see me when I'm in a mood (but is that mania or depression? I don't understand, though I've lived with this for years). I literally hide, and I find that I have to be as close to the ground as possible -- sit on the floor instead of chair, sit on ground outside. I guess I feel more hidden that way? Also retreat with headphones and sunglasses. Cocoon, trying to "stop the mental trains," as I like to put it. Or just giving in. Sometimes I become the spectator while the disorders run the show.
I feel shy and a little stupid sharing like this ... I am very hard on myself, my worst enemy, lots of self-harm goes with my diagnosis, but that's more BPD than bipolar. I want concrete answers, B&W, clear-cut, but I know one bleeds into the next. It bothers me that I can't perfectly separate and categorize these disorders.
(Aside: Read this through before posting and couldn't help but notice and comment on my completely unintentional but totally Freudian use of words "clear-cut" and "bleed" when discussing self-harm. If you know what I mean, you'll know what I mean.)
So - question on tracking mixed episodes with two polar extremes occuring simultaneously, and is anyone else out there with a comorbid disorder?
Thanks --
I read a post that talked about how he/she needs more personal space when in a mood, and I heartily concur. I also have trouble letting people touch me, talk to me, or even see me when I'm in a mood (but is that mania or depression? I don't understand, though I've lived with this for years). I literally hide, and I find that I have to be as close to the ground as possible -- sit on the floor instead of chair, sit on ground outside. I guess I feel more hidden that way? Also retreat with headphones and sunglasses. Cocoon, trying to "stop the mental trains," as I like to put it. Or just giving in. Sometimes I become the spectator while the disorders run the show.
I feel shy and a little stupid sharing like this ... I am very hard on myself, my worst enemy, lots of self-harm goes with my diagnosis, but that's more BPD than bipolar. I want concrete answers, B&W, clear-cut, but I know one bleeds into the next. It bothers me that I can't perfectly separate and categorize these disorders.
(Aside: Read this through before posting and couldn't help but notice and comment on my completely unintentional but totally Freudian use of words "clear-cut" and "bleed" when discussing self-harm. If you know what I mean, you'll know what I mean.)
So - question on tracking mixed episodes with two polar extremes occuring simultaneously, and is anyone else out there with a comorbid disorder?
Thanks --
NightOwl
April 15, 2009 - 10:37 pm
Total Posts: 24
Joined: 04-12-2009
Joined: 04-12-2009
abooshay1006
I am new to this site but I have been diagnosed about 4 and a half years. On the chart in the drop down boxes you can select one for each mood level so today I chose the box that said I was moderately depressed and on the other box I showed I was also mildly elevated. I am in a terrible mood and feeling tons of anxiety, yet I actually cleaned the house and went to work so I was up and down today.
I do only have the one diagnosis which was type II until I saw a new dr. this week who is one of the best in the country and she pointed out I am definately type I. Sucks to find out you are worse then you thought, but as she pointed out, same meds, same treatment, so not that big of a deal.
I think we all fight the battle every day of wondering how to accept out diagnoses and figuring out where our personality ends and the illness begins. As I have learned more about the illness I have come to start to feel more sure of who I am and what part of me was my brain malfunctioning.
I have recently become very educated on BPD because my neice who I was raising exhibits every singe one of the 9 symptoms. I can see where you would be confused because these two diagnosis share so many symptoms in common. The good news about BPD is that the bipolar meds can reduce some of the symptoms and getting the right therapy in reprograming how you react to situations (DBT) has shown huge success. Also, as you age the BPD symptoms will eventually go away, but that takes patience.
Another thing I think we all do is try to figure out sometimes, what am I today, manic or depressed? I think that when we are anxious it could be either, I think when we are irritated it could be either. The important part is recognizing it, if you are having a mixed episode it could be both.
I think it is interesting that you have times you want to be alone because most borderlines hate to be alone and take drastic measure to not have to be. I know that when I am particularly upset I go into the fetal position to comfort myself and have been known to go into a dark closet. I tend to stay in my room and watch lots of tv because I can lose myself in the shows and nobody can hurt me in the safety of my own room (I luckily do not self harm, but I get why you do)
I felt and still feel the same way you do about wanting concrete answers, I have done my best to educate myself. The best book I read was the Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide. I learned so much, felt so validated and it even helps you to deal with family and coworkers. It also talks about cormorbid issues. It is written in simple terms, not too much dr. speak.
I'm in that same boat with you in being so hard on myself. But as someone reminded me today, there are a few little blessings that come with this illness too. You have a knack for writing and you probably have lots of other artistic talents among being very smart. At least we have that going for us! LOL
Hang in there. Don't stop fighting for yourself.
I am new to this site but I have been diagnosed about 4 and a half years. On the chart in the drop down boxes you can select one for each mood level so today I chose the box that said I was moderately depressed and on the other box I showed I was also mildly elevated. I am in a terrible mood and feeling tons of anxiety, yet I actually cleaned the house and went to work so I was up and down today.
I do only have the one diagnosis which was type II until I saw a new dr. this week who is one of the best in the country and she pointed out I am definately type I. Sucks to find out you are worse then you thought, but as she pointed out, same meds, same treatment, so not that big of a deal.
I think we all fight the battle every day of wondering how to accept out diagnoses and figuring out where our personality ends and the illness begins. As I have learned more about the illness I have come to start to feel more sure of who I am and what part of me was my brain malfunctioning.
I have recently become very educated on BPD because my neice who I was raising exhibits every singe one of the 9 symptoms. I can see where you would be confused because these two diagnosis share so many symptoms in common. The good news about BPD is that the bipolar meds can reduce some of the symptoms and getting the right therapy in reprograming how you react to situations (DBT) has shown huge success. Also, as you age the BPD symptoms will eventually go away, but that takes patience.
Another thing I think we all do is try to figure out sometimes, what am I today, manic or depressed? I think that when we are anxious it could be either, I think when we are irritated it could be either. The important part is recognizing it, if you are having a mixed episode it could be both.
I think it is interesting that you have times you want to be alone because most borderlines hate to be alone and take drastic measure to not have to be. I know that when I am particularly upset I go into the fetal position to comfort myself and have been known to go into a dark closet. I tend to stay in my room and watch lots of tv because I can lose myself in the shows and nobody can hurt me in the safety of my own room (I luckily do not self harm, but I get why you do)
I felt and still feel the same way you do about wanting concrete answers, I have done my best to educate myself. The best book I read was the Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide. I learned so much, felt so validated and it even helps you to deal with family and coworkers. It also talks about cormorbid issues. It is written in simple terms, not too much dr. speak.
I'm in that same boat with you in being so hard on myself. But as someone reminded me today, there are a few little blessings that come with this illness too. You have a knack for writing and you probably have lots of other artistic talents among being very smart. At least we have that going for us! LOL
Hang in there. Don't stop fighting for yourself.
Medications for April 2009
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abooshay1006
I am new to this site but I have been diagnosed about 4 and a half years. On the chart in the drop down boxes you can select one for each mood level so today I chose the box that said I was moderately depressed and on the other box I showed I was also mildly elevated. I am in a terrible mood and feeling tons of anxiety, yet I actually cleaned the house and went to work so I was up and down today.
I do only have the one diagnosis which was type II until I saw a new dr. this week who is one of the best in the country and she pointed out I am definately type I. Sucks to find out you are worse then you thought, but as she pointed out, same meds, same treatment, so not that big of a deal.
I think we all fight the battle every day of wondering how to accept out diagnoses and figuring out where our personality ends and the illness begins. As I have learned more about the illness I have come to start to feel more sure of who I am and what part of me was my brain malfunctioning.
I have recently become very educated on BPD because my neice who I was raising exhibits every singe one of the 9 symptoms. I can see where you would be confused because these two diagnosis share so many symptoms in common. The good news about BPD is that the bipolar meds can reduce some of the symptoms and getting the right therapy in reprograming how you react to situations (DBT) has shown huge success. Also, as you age the BPD symptoms will eventually go away, but that takes patience.
Another thing I think we all do is try to figure out sometimes, what am I today, manic or depressed? I think that when we are anxious it could be either, I think when we are irritated it could be either. The important part is recognizing it, if you are having a mixed episode it could be both.
I think it is interesting that you have times you want to be alone because most borderlines hate to be alone and take drastic measure to not have to be. I know that when I am particularly upset I go into the fetal position to comfort myself and have been known to go into a dark closet. I tend to stay in my room and watch lots of tv because I can lose myself in the shows and nobody can hurt me in the safety of my own room (I luckily do not self harm, but I get why you do)
I felt and still feel the same way you do about wanting concrete answers, I have done my best to educate myself. The best book I read was the Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide. I learned so much, felt so validated and it even helps you to deal with family and coworkers. It also talks about cormorbid issues. It is written in simple terms, not too much dr. speak.
I'm in that same boat with you in being so hard on myself. But as someone reminded me today, there are a few little blessings that come with this illness too. You have a knack for writing and you probably have lots of other artistic talents among being very smart. At least we have that going for us! LOL
Hang in there. Don't stop fighting for yourself.
I am new to this site but I have been diagnosed about 4 and a half years. On the chart in the drop down boxes you can select one for each mood level so today I chose the box that said I was moderately depressed and on the other box I showed I was also mildly elevated. I am in a terrible mood and feeling tons of anxiety, yet I actually cleaned the house and went to work so I was up and down today.
I do only have the one diagnosis which was type II until I saw a new dr. this week who is one of the best in the country and she pointed out I am definately type I. Sucks to find out you are worse then you thought, but as she pointed out, same meds, same treatment, so not that big of a deal.
I think we all fight the battle every day of wondering how to accept out diagnoses and figuring out where our personality ends and the illness begins. As I have learned more about the illness I have come to start to feel more sure of who I am and what part of me was my brain malfunctioning.
I have recently become very educated on BPD because my neice who I was raising exhibits every singe one of the 9 symptoms. I can see where you would be confused because these two diagnosis share so many symptoms in common. The good news about BPD is that the bipolar meds can reduce some of the symptoms and getting the right therapy in reprograming how you react to situations (DBT) has shown huge success. Also, as you age the BPD symptoms will eventually go away, but that takes patience.
Another thing I think we all do is try to figure out sometimes, what am I today, manic or depressed? I think that when we are anxious it could be either, I think when we are irritated it could be either. The important part is recognizing it, if you are having a mixed episode it could be both.
I think it is interesting that you have times you want to be alone because most borderlines hate to be alone and take drastic measure to not have to be. I know that when I am particularly upset I go into the fetal position to comfort myself and have been known to go into a dark closet. I tend to stay in my room and watch lots of tv because I can lose myself in the shows and nobody can hurt me in the safety of my own room (I luckily do not self harm, but I get why you do)
I felt and still feel the same way you do about wanting concrete answers, I have done my best to educate myself. The best book I read was the Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide. I learned so much, felt so validated and it even helps you to deal with family and coworkers. It also talks about cormorbid issues. It is written in simple terms, not too much dr. speak.
I'm in that same boat with you in being so hard on myself. But as someone reminded me today, there are a few little blessings that come with this illness too. You have a knack for writing and you probably have lots of other artistic talents among being very smart. At least we have that going for us! LOL
Hang in there. Don't stop fighting for yourself.
Medications for April 2009
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April 16, 2009 - 5:51 pm
Total Posts: 203
Joined: 01-27-2009
Joined: 01-27-2009
Mixed episodes are hard to track on this sight. I would ask my PDOC what to do.
Mine said to mark both then write in the journal spot that i was mixed and not just switching between morning mania and evening depressed. She checks my chart and journal every once in a while to check in on me.
I am not BPD (as far as I know) but I do get the feeling of wanting to be all alone and sitting on the floor and stuff. Unfortunately it is mixed with the desperate need to be held and comforted so my husband gets very confused. I don't know why being on the ground and hidden feels better than just alone in my bed but it does.
Adollphin
You were talking about the creativity that bipolars tend to have and I was wondering if your creativity stayed once you got on the right meds.
Mine went into the toilet. I used to write books and poems all the time that were pretty good if I do say so myself but when I got on Tegratol and started being more "normal" I found that anything I write now falls flat. I can't even write a decent sonnet any more. Oh well. I guess that's the price I pay for getting better.
Mine said to mark both then write in the journal spot that i was mixed and not just switching between morning mania and evening depressed. She checks my chart and journal every once in a while to check in on me.
I am not BPD (as far as I know) but I do get the feeling of wanting to be all alone and sitting on the floor and stuff. Unfortunately it is mixed with the desperate need to be held and comforted so my husband gets very confused. I don't know why being on the ground and hidden feels better than just alone in my bed but it does.
Adollphin
You were talking about the creativity that bipolars tend to have and I was wondering if your creativity stayed once you got on the right meds.
Mine went into the toilet. I used to write books and poems all the time that were pretty good if I do say so myself but when I got on Tegratol and started being more "normal" I found that anything I write now falls flat. I can't even write a decent sonnet any more. Oh well. I guess that's the price I pay for getting better.
Medications for April 2009
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Mixed episodes are hard to track on this sight. I would ask my PDOC what to do.
Mine said to mark both then write in the journal spot that i was mixed and not just switching between morning mania and evening depressed. She checks my chart and journal every once in a while to check in on me.
I am not BPD (as far as I know) but I do get the feeling of wanting to be all alone and sitting on the floor and stuff. Unfortunately it is mixed with the desperate need to be held and comforted so my husband gets very confused. I don't know why being on the ground and hidden feels better than just alone in my bed but it does.
Adollphin
You were talking about the creativity that bipolars tend to have and I was wondering if your creativity stayed once you got on the right meds.
Mine went into the toilet. I used to write books and poems all the time that were pretty good if I do say so myself but when I got on Tegratol and started being more "normal" I found that anything I write now falls flat. I can't even write a decent sonnet any more. Oh well. I guess that's the price I pay for getting better.
Mine said to mark both then write in the journal spot that i was mixed and not just switching between morning mania and evening depressed. She checks my chart and journal every once in a while to check in on me.
I am not BPD (as far as I know) but I do get the feeling of wanting to be all alone and sitting on the floor and stuff. Unfortunately it is mixed with the desperate need to be held and comforted so my husband gets very confused. I don't know why being on the ground and hidden feels better than just alone in my bed but it does.
Adollphin
You were talking about the creativity that bipolars tend to have and I was wondering if your creativity stayed once you got on the right meds.
Mine went into the toilet. I used to write books and poems all the time that were pretty good if I do say so myself but when I got on Tegratol and started being more "normal" I found that anything I write now falls flat. I can't even write a decent sonnet any more. Oh well. I guess that's the price I pay for getting better.
Medications for April 2009
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April 16, 2009 - 7:53 pm
Total Posts: 24
Joined: 04-12-2009
Joined: 04-12-2009
Mooky
That is a really good idea of keeping track of mixed episodesi in your notes too. I have been putting anything in my notes that can help me track how things can be effected. I am putting if I had a fight with my husband or when I was on a trip, or if I heard bad news about my mom, etc.
As far as the creativity goes, I have never been blessed with too much flair for writing or painting, etc. I have creativity in things like graphic design, party decorating and planning, etc.
I have heard pdocs and tdocs say, and I have felt it for myself that whatever I felt like I was losing, came back eventually after I became more settled on the meds. Although for me, I have always trended way more towards depression so I don't always fully identify with that aspect of mania.
I guess the question is, do your family and friends agree with your assessment, or is it that you are just not as euphoric so you may be more critical of the work. I would ask others, it may not be enough for you just to go back and compare them because you still remember what you felt like when you were writing it and it cloud your judgement.
I bet your still have more talent in your pinky then most could dream of.
That is a really good idea of keeping track of mixed episodesi in your notes too. I have been putting anything in my notes that can help me track how things can be effected. I am putting if I had a fight with my husband or when I was on a trip, or if I heard bad news about my mom, etc.
As far as the creativity goes, I have never been blessed with too much flair for writing or painting, etc. I have creativity in things like graphic design, party decorating and planning, etc.
I have heard pdocs and tdocs say, and I have felt it for myself that whatever I felt like I was losing, came back eventually after I became more settled on the meds. Although for me, I have always trended way more towards depression so I don't always fully identify with that aspect of mania.
I guess the question is, do your family and friends agree with your assessment, or is it that you are just not as euphoric so you may be more critical of the work. I would ask others, it may not be enough for you just to go back and compare them because you still remember what you felt like when you were writing it and it cloud your judgement.
I bet your still have more talent in your pinky then most could dream of.
Mooky
That is a really good idea of keeping track of mixed episodesi in your notes too. I have been putting anything in my notes that can help me track how things can be effected. I am putting if I had a fight with my husband or when I was on a trip, or if I heard bad news about my mom, etc.
As far as the creativity goes, I have never been blessed with too much flair for writing or painting, etc. I have creativity in things like graphic design, party decorating and planning, etc.
I have heard pdocs and tdocs say, and I have felt it for myself that whatever I felt like I was losing, came back eventually after I became more settled on the meds. Although for me, I have always trended way more towards depression so I don't always fully identify with that aspect of mania.
I guess the question is, do your family and friends agree with your assessment, or is it that you are just not as euphoric so you may be more critical of the work. I would ask others, it may not be enough for you just to go back and compare them because you still remember what you felt like when you were writing it and it cloud your judgement.
I bet your still have more talent in your pinky then most could dream of.
That is a really good idea of keeping track of mixed episodesi in your notes too. I have been putting anything in my notes that can help me track how things can be effected. I am putting if I had a fight with my husband or when I was on a trip, or if I heard bad news about my mom, etc.
As far as the creativity goes, I have never been blessed with too much flair for writing or painting, etc. I have creativity in things like graphic design, party decorating and planning, etc.
I have heard pdocs and tdocs say, and I have felt it for myself that whatever I felt like I was losing, came back eventually after I became more settled on the meds. Although for me, I have always trended way more towards depression so I don't always fully identify with that aspect of mania.
I guess the question is, do your family and friends agree with your assessment, or is it that you are just not as euphoric so you may be more critical of the work. I would ask others, it may not be enough for you just to go back and compare them because you still remember what you felt like when you were writing it and it cloud your judgement.
I bet your still have more talent in your pinky then most could dream of.
April 16, 2009 - 8:37 pm
Total Posts: 20
Joined: 04-08-2009
Joined: 04-08-2009
I'm always looking for helpful material on the bipolar disorder.....so I put in an order today for the survivors guide. I thank you for putting that one in there as something that may bring a little more understanding to something often misunderstood.
I'm always looking for helpful material on the bipolar disorder.....so I put in an order today for the survivors guide. I thank you for putting that one in there as something that may bring a little more understanding to something often misunderstood.
April 17, 2009 - 8:14 am
Total Posts: 203
Joined: 01-27-2009
Joined: 01-27-2009
Adollphin
You're right I guess. I've been so ashamed of my attempts when I'm not manic that I just erase them and never let others read them. I guess I could write a simple sonnet and let my family see it. They are used to my poetry and stuff so they'll know if it's as flat as I think it is.
Thanks a lot. I'll let you know how it goes.
Mooky
You're right I guess. I've been so ashamed of my attempts when I'm not manic that I just erase them and never let others read them. I guess I could write a simple sonnet and let my family see it. They are used to my poetry and stuff so they'll know if it's as flat as I think it is.
Thanks a lot. I'll let you know how it goes.
Mooky
Adollphin
You're right I guess. I've been so ashamed of my attempts when I'm not manic that I just erase them and never let others read them. I guess I could write a simple sonnet and let my family see it. They are used to my poetry and stuff so they'll know if it's as flat as I think it is.
Thanks a lot. I'll let you know how it goes.
Mooky
You're right I guess. I've been so ashamed of my attempts when I'm not manic that I just erase them and never let others read them. I guess I could write a simple sonnet and let my family see it. They are used to my poetry and stuff so they'll know if it's as flat as I think it is.
Thanks a lot. I'll let you know how it goes.
Mooky
April 17, 2009 - 9:34 am
Total Posts: 2
Joined: 04-11-2009
Joined: 04-11-2009
Well I did it. This morning I wrote a sonnet and showed it to my daughter. To me it's a little flat and has to reach for the meter but she said it was just like my old ones. I don't know if that's good or bad. Lol.
I know that this isn't a poetry forum so please forgive me. I want to show you want i mean by reaching for meter and stuff so I'm going to post the poem. Please give me your honest reaction to it.
Night demons.
By night the thoughts I dare not think by day
Hold court on life unhindered in my mind
This dark and unforgiving world holds sway
Ore' demons that the morning light can't find
Racing toward the call of some unknown
Heaving breath and miles yet to go
Fear of fear and hope of hope alone
Inside this world is all that I can know
A mirror, the reflection shown to me
The ragged soul reflected in it's pane
Is this the person I have grown to be?
Living in the world of the insane
I wake. The demons fall back to their lair
To wait until I sleep, my soul layed bare.
I know that this isn't a poetry forum so please forgive me. I want to show you want i mean by reaching for meter and stuff so I'm going to post the poem. Please give me your honest reaction to it.
Night demons.
By night the thoughts I dare not think by day
Hold court on life unhindered in my mind
This dark and unforgiving world holds sway
Ore' demons that the morning light can't find
Racing toward the call of some unknown
Heaving breath and miles yet to go
Fear of fear and hope of hope alone
Inside this world is all that I can know
A mirror, the reflection shown to me
The ragged soul reflected in it's pane
Is this the person I have grown to be?
Living in the world of the insane
I wake. The demons fall back to their lair
To wait until I sleep, my soul layed bare.
Well I did it. This morning I wrote a sonnet and showed it to my daughter. To me it's a little flat and has to reach for the meter but she said it was just like my old ones. I don't know if that's good or bad. Lol.
I know that this isn't a poetry forum so please forgive me. I want to show you want i mean by reaching for meter and stuff so I'm going to post the poem. Please give me your honest reaction to it.
Night demons.
By night the thoughts I dare not think by day
Hold court on life unhindered in my mind
This dark and unforgiving world holds sway
Ore' demons that the morning light can't find
Racing toward the call of some unknown
Heaving breath and miles yet to go
Fear of fear and hope of hope alone
Inside this world is all that I can know
A mirror, the reflection shown to me
The ragged soul reflected in it's pane
Is this the person I have grown to be?
Living in the world of the insane
I wake. The demons fall back to their lair
To wait until I sleep, my soul layed bare.
I know that this isn't a poetry forum so please forgive me. I want to show you want i mean by reaching for meter and stuff so I'm going to post the poem. Please give me your honest reaction to it.
Night demons.
By night the thoughts I dare not think by day
Hold court on life unhindered in my mind
This dark and unforgiving world holds sway
Ore' demons that the morning light can't find
Racing toward the call of some unknown
Heaving breath and miles yet to go
Fear of fear and hope of hope alone
Inside this world is all that I can know
A mirror, the reflection shown to me
The ragged soul reflected in it's pane
Is this the person I have grown to be?
Living in the world of the insane
I wake. The demons fall back to their lair
To wait until I sleep, my soul layed bare.
April 17, 2009 - 9:37 am
Total Posts: 2
Joined: 04-11-2009
Joined: 04-11-2009
Oops. As you probably guessed the above post is from Mooky. Gimrak is my son and I forgot that I was helping him chart this morning and didn't switch back to my own account.
Oops. As you probably guessed the above post is from Mooky. Gimrak is my son and I forgot that I was helping him chart this morning and didn't switch back to my own account.
April 17, 2009 - 11:47 pm
Total Posts: 24
Joined: 04-12-2009
Joined: 04-12-2009
Princesskamy- I think you will really like that book, I tell everyone I know about it. It is a very tough read emotionally of your are newly diagnosed for sure, which I was when I got it. I would read a while and get so overwhelmed I would cry, but at the same time I was seeing so much of myself in the stories I had to know more, so I woud pick it up again. Being educated about the disorder is the only way to really tell your docs what is going on and being able to catch an episode before it comes on. This book gave me those tools and so many others.
Mooky!!!
I'm super excited that you took my advice. I loved the sonnet. I think you got a some validation from your daugher on what I was saying too. I'm sure you are a little out of practice since you have been giving up so easily lately so if the meter is off to you a little, it will come back as you start to feel more comfortable. To me the sonnet seems so vivid and thought provoking (and unfurtanately a little familiar), it is hard for me to imagine it being more poignant if you were manic. Meter, schmeter, if the words jump off the page and make you feel something, that is what counts and it blew me away.
Mooky!!!
I'm super excited that you took my advice. I loved the sonnet. I think you got a some validation from your daugher on what I was saying too. I'm sure you are a little out of practice since you have been giving up so easily lately so if the meter is off to you a little, it will come back as you start to feel more comfortable. To me the sonnet seems so vivid and thought provoking (and unfurtanately a little familiar), it is hard for me to imagine it being more poignant if you were manic. Meter, schmeter, if the words jump off the page and make you feel something, that is what counts and it blew me away.
Princesskamy- I think you will really like that book, I tell everyone I know about it. It is a very tough read emotionally of your are newly diagnosed for sure, which I was when I got it. I would read a while and get so overwhelmed I would cry, but at the same time I was seeing so much of myself in the stories I had to know more, so I woud pick it up again. Being educated about the disorder is the only way to really tell your docs what is going on and being able to catch an episode before it comes on. This book gave me those tools and so many others.
Mooky!!!
I'm super excited that you took my advice. I loved the sonnet. I think you got a some validation from your daugher on what I was saying too. I'm sure you are a little out of practice since you have been giving up so easily lately so if the meter is off to you a little, it will come back as you start to feel more comfortable. To me the sonnet seems so vivid and thought provoking (and unfurtanately a little familiar), it is hard for me to imagine it being more poignant if you were manic. Meter, schmeter, if the words jump off the page and make you feel something, that is what counts and it blew me away.
Mooky!!!
I'm super excited that you took my advice. I loved the sonnet. I think you got a some validation from your daugher on what I was saying too. I'm sure you are a little out of practice since you have been giving up so easily lately so if the meter is off to you a little, it will come back as you start to feel more comfortable. To me the sonnet seems so vivid and thought provoking (and unfurtanately a little familiar), it is hard for me to imagine it being more poignant if you were manic. Meter, schmeter, if the words jump off the page and make you feel something, that is what counts and it blew me away.
April 18, 2009 - 9:17 am
Total Posts: 203
Joined: 01-27-2009
Joined: 01-27-2009
Adollphin
I'm so glad you liked it.
Poetry was always a way for me to let out the emotions I was feeling but since I got on Tegratol I haven't been writing them out in verse.
I guess I can start again. Even if it feels a bit off to me at least your reaction and that of my daughter lets me know that I can still write.
Thank you so much for the suggestion. You opened back up a resource for healing that I had let go.
P.S. Sorry for the depressing subject. I seldom write about butterflies and rainbows.
I'm so glad you liked it.
Poetry was always a way for me to let out the emotions I was feeling but since I got on Tegratol I haven't been writing them out in verse.
I guess I can start again. Even if it feels a bit off to me at least your reaction and that of my daughter lets me know that I can still write.
Thank you so much for the suggestion. You opened back up a resource for healing that I had let go.
P.S. Sorry for the depressing subject. I seldom write about butterflies and rainbows.
Adollphin
I'm so glad you liked it.
Poetry was always a way for me to let out the emotions I was feeling but since I got on Tegratol I haven't been writing them out in verse.
I guess I can start again. Even if it feels a bit off to me at least your reaction and that of my daughter lets me know that I can still write.
Thank you so much for the suggestion. You opened back up a resource for healing that I had let go.
P.S. Sorry for the depressing subject. I seldom write about butterflies and rainbows.
I'm so glad you liked it.
Poetry was always a way for me to let out the emotions I was feeling but since I got on Tegratol I haven't been writing them out in verse.
I guess I can start again. Even if it feels a bit off to me at least your reaction and that of my daughter lets me know that I can still write.
Thank you so much for the suggestion. You opened back up a resource for healing that I had let go.
P.S. Sorry for the depressing subject. I seldom write about butterflies and rainbows.
April 18, 2009 - 1:14 pm
Total Posts: 24
Joined: 04-12-2009
Joined: 04-12-2009
Writing is such a great outlet. I'm glad you can reconnect with that.
adollphin
Writing is such a great outlet. I'm glad you can reconnect with that.
adollphin
April 19, 2009 - 4:59 pm
Total Posts: 20
Joined: 04-08-2009
Joined: 04-08-2009
Again thanks for the book and I like the sonnet as well. I can identify with it. I seem to be creative more so in the down period and ran across some of the things I wrote then and oh shit they are scary and depressing and I can reflect on that as me being untreated and feeling alone in all of this. Why cant I just be like everyone else I would cry and not even realize it was the bipolar making me different and making me suffer. Today is different. I have some peace that its a medical condition and lets see if I take my meds like the pdoc says too then I get my life back. My loved ones get Kamy back and the world seems a little more cooperative to me. Thanks everyone this has been something pretty great for me. I may be getting my daughter back this month and I'll get to be the mother that she deserves to have and that I always dreamed to be.
Again thanks for the book and I like the sonnet as well. I can identify with it. I seem to be creative more so in the down period and ran across some of the things I wrote then and oh shit they are scary and depressing and I can reflect on that as me being untreated and feeling alone in all of this. Why cant I just be like everyone else I would cry and not even realize it was the bipolar making me different and making me suffer. Today is different. I have some peace that its a medical condition and lets see if I take my meds like the pdoc says too then I get my life back. My loved ones get Kamy back and the world seems a little more cooperative to me. Thanks everyone this has been something pretty great for me. I may be getting my daughter back this month and I'll get to be the mother that she deserves to have and that I always dreamed to be.
April 19, 2009 - 8:49 pm
Total Posts: 24
Joined: 04-12-2009
Joined: 04-12-2009
princesskamy
I am pulling for you. It sounds like a much happier life is within your reach.
I am pulling for you. It sounds like a much happier life is within your reach.
adollphin
princesskamy
I am pulling for you. It sounds like a much happier life is within your reach.
I am pulling for you. It sounds like a much happier life is within your reach.
adollphin
April 21, 2009 - 2:39 am
Total Posts: 5
Joined: 04-21-2009
Joined: 04-21-2009
Princess,
I asked the mod for a new topic on parenting with bipolar disorder...maybe he will take me up on it!
In the meantime, what types of things will you do when you are swinging?
One of the things I do is wear a rubber band...when I am starting to lose my temper with the kids I snap the rubber band to remind myself of how much my words can hurt.
It's nice to find someone else on here that is concerned about their ability to mother. I am scared of myself sometimes:(
I asked the mod for a new topic on parenting with bipolar disorder...maybe he will take me up on it!
In the meantime, what types of things will you do when you are swinging?
One of the things I do is wear a rubber band...when I am starting to lose my temper with the kids I snap the rubber band to remind myself of how much my words can hurt.
It's nice to find someone else on here that is concerned about their ability to mother. I am scared of myself sometimes:(
Princess,
I asked the mod for a new topic on parenting with bipolar disorder...maybe he will take me up on it!
In the meantime, what types of things will you do when you are swinging?
One of the things I do is wear a rubber band...when I am starting to lose my temper with the kids I snap the rubber band to remind myself of how much my words can hurt.
It's nice to find someone else on here that is concerned about their ability to mother. I am scared of myself sometimes:(
I asked the mod for a new topic on parenting with bipolar disorder...maybe he will take me up on it!
In the meantime, what types of things will you do when you are swinging?
One of the things I do is wear a rubber band...when I am starting to lose my temper with the kids I snap the rubber band to remind myself of how much my words can hurt.
It's nice to find someone else on here that is concerned about their ability to mother. I am scared of myself sometimes:(
Joined: 04-15-2009