depressed..

I just don't have hope anymore. I think . . maybe there is something in me that makes me urge to go on, but i don't know where it is coming from.. certainly not my brain. Guess it's good that I'm too chicken to kill myself. I just feel so sick and I can't find motivation to do anything.. I think i want to sleep , but i'm not tired.. yea it's 2:am - whatever - bye

wrting about it is good? yea? - i don't feel any better pffft!

i can't stop crying now - i think i will have to get back on meds... guess i'll go beg some docs tommorrow.. oh - beg for a ride first, then see the doc! - i feel sck of myself...so sick, so angry - so stressssssssssed! ... BLAH!

i dont trust ppl anymore.. not even my own

I'm so sorry that you are going through this rollercoaster ride on the darker side of the bipolar, but your right about going to the pdoc and getting back on the meds. In one of my psychological evaluations, the evaluator stated "She will consider herself to be "cured" and discontinue her medications once external motivation is removed". There is no way I could believe that one, because I know my only hope is to talk to other people like me and work with my docs well. When I hear people who are suffering with and from the bipolar it reminds me why I'm as diligent as I am in the treatment of myself. I went through so many years of what your going through. Give the pdoc a chance to show you the treated side of the bipolar, because its saving my life and the people around me as well. Good luck with the pdoc.

prioncesskamy, i totally get what your saying that you've gone through so many years of what she's going through. And its like, why me, what did i do to deserve this, ya know? But the point is, we'll always have this in the back of our minds. It sucks, A LOT. But the quicker we accept that we'll have this for the rest of our lives, we'll take it seriously. We'll need the medication always, unfortunately but that's okay. The medication lets us be ourselves again. The fact that we can even be ourselves again is amazing! I mean there are so many diseases that completely ruin our vibe and may not even have a cure or medication to even allow us to get back into who we were before our diagnosis'.

Panicatacgir

Please get help soon. Get back on your meds and if you have to call 911 and become an inpatient to keep you safe until your meds can kick in and help you.
Try to remember that this is only temporary. You only feel like this because of a chemical imbalance in your brain and that can be fixed.

*hugs*

I'm sorry you're going through this. Good luck getting in to see a doctor.

Know that you're in like company here and we've been there too!

Mooky is right though, if you have to, don't be afraid to get help if you need it.

panicatacgir
Please go back on your meds, and if they aren't working, there are tons of different kinds and combos. Keep trying because you are worth it. We all hate taking the meds and the stuff that comes with it, but it is what gives us all our shot at a normal life and happiness which I can not seem to find at all if I am not on my meds.
I understand what you are saying about not trusting people, but try to trust yourself. Trust that you want to get better, and you will find a dr. who you feel understands you and can help. Trust that you will make the right decisions for you, because anything is better then how you feel now, right?

I agree please go back on your meds it takes time for them to find the right cocktail believe me I have gotten so sick of trying and wasting money for drugs that don't work. I have become very paranoid too not sure why, I feel like even my doctor is judging me - but we are not talking about me lets take care of you, please promise me that you will take your meds okay and I will keep checking on you.

panicatacgir your spikes on your chart look just like mine...I get hysterical and then kind of collapse into a deep depression.

Please get some rest and update us on how you are...when I get the hysteria going on I go to the kitchen and grab something very nutritious to eat and then chew it while waiting for the mood swing to either subside or for me to relax.

Also I've found that other people can see what's coming much better than I can...I do what they tell me to do!

I hope you are okay.

thanks for responses guys - -

Well.. I did go to the doctor - emergency room rather; they gave me a perscription for Trazadone (sleeping pill) which I don't even have the money to get filled. . I think .. maybe I got 6hrs sleep last night, I dont know... I keep waking ... and I'm aching like hell - - My dreams are horrifying, bloody - massacres

- I just can't get over the trauma that has occured in my life /// from childhood. At first, I could ignore, but now it pesters my brain constantly. I'm so angry!

yea.. i don't trust myself.. - i don't even knw how?! - - My biggest fear is that I'll 'blackout' and wake up with a bloody knife.. Bitter-sweet revenge that will only ruin me more!

I have an appointment wth a psychiatrist on friday, so I guess I'll be a new guinea pig for them .

I feel like theres some great revelation on the tip of my tongue that I just cant access.. = = It's like what I would imagine those ppl go through when they get sent to "The Attic" on Dollhouse. (if u watch that show)

I need a job b4 my parents stop paying rent and I'm on the streets whoring or something.. - I'm scared that I will not be stable in time. I have a lot of skills - piano, sign-language, spanish.. typing.. anyone hiring - nc?

DAMN... Then, I'm afraid when I finally do get a job I'll only keep it for a few weeks like usual.

i just dn't know where to start... GOD - PLEASE HELP ME!

Panicatacgir
I am so glad you went to the emergency room. I am really sad that you were not able to fill the prescription, I know how that goes. I'm sure Friday feels like a hundred years away until you see that psychiatrist.

Please call these people.
http://www.nami.org/Template.c... (internet link)

This is a link to all the NAMI offices in NC. Nami is the National Alliance of mental illness. You should be able to find the phone number of someone close to your town if not in it that can help you. Tell them all of the things you just put in this post. It is VERY important that you don't sugar coat things with someone who can help you. None of us want to tell someone that we fear we are a danger to ourself and/or others, but it is the only way we can get help.

Here is a helpline number for NAMI in NC 800- 451-9682. They are open M-F 8:30 am-5pm.

They have tons of rescources including support groups, classes to help you and your loved ones understand the illness. peer to peer education where someone who has been through what you are dealing with can help you through. They should also be able to show you other rescources.

http://www.pparxnc.org/ (another link). This is to the Partnership of Prescription Assistance of NC. Drug companies will usually provide people their meds if they can't afford them, the form is on the site.

When you see the pdoc they will most likely give you samples to get you through for a little while so that can tide you until you can get on state assistance or the partnership can help you.

It sounds as though as much as you want a job, you will not be able to do it right now. I have been there many times. It looks like there is not state disability in NC like there is in other states but here is a phone number and link to Disability Rights of NC which helps people with disability's and mental illness get the help they need. 1-877-235-4210 (Voice)
http://www.disabilityrightsnc....

I'm not going to lie to you and say you will be great in six weeks. But you will probably be sleeping and feel like life is more managable. You also need to get a tdoc (therapist) if you don't already have one, it is crucial in getting better. The meds take away a lot of the symptoms, but your emotional pain will not be cured, just more managable. A Tdoc can help you manage that. If a tdoc is not optional due to funds, please consider a support group until you can at least see a tdoc.

You are in my thoughts and I will keep checking on you. You are on the right track.

Again, please call 911 or go to the emergency room if you need to, and if a hospital is necessary, then so be it, full time therapy and meds may be your best route. I know it sounds like no fun at all, but on the upside your parents may see that how seroius your condition is if they don't already know.

There is also another option and that is a half way house (not a good term, but a good place). Depending on your age, you can find a place locally that will help you stay on your meds, see tdocs, you can live there for almost no rent and they help you find the job. It is a solution that will last anywhere from 6-18 months depending on the place and it is a hell of a lot better then being on the street.

There is empowerment in taking some of these steps. You are taking the control back from your brain that is betraying you right now. You don't need to use all of these rescources, I know it is overwhelming, but try at least one and keep the rest in your back pocket for a rainy day.

Good Luck!

yea thanks a lot -- - i'm just so sad ... i have no motivation for anything these days - -

i called the treatment center to see what time my appointment is set for. i had to call three times and they still wouldn't give me a time. Finally, I had my friend from Switzerland call and they told him - i guess it's more important when ppl call from overseas...


i think the system sucks for people like me and i feel like if they "DONT WANT" to help then why should i bother them with my ailments?

i'm so confused.. i think they should have suicide booths for people like me. Population control - y not?

life sucks

Panicatacgir
Please call or in some way contact the people adollphin told you about.
I know you don't feel like it but PLEASE! You need to get away from the abusive people you're around and you need to get help. It's not that they "Don't want" to help. Really. They don't know how very much you need them right now and if one place seems uncaring call another.
Now is a very important time in your life. You need to take charge and get help. Go to a home for abused women or something. Just get help. Please don't give up on yourself.
I know how much it hurts to feel like no one cares. No one understands you. You don't even understand yourself, right?
Try to remember that it's the bipolar that's talking and it can be treated.
You can get help and you can get control of your life.
Please don't give up.

Mooky