Bipolar II .. what a mess.

As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm at work. I work at a mortgage company, and my job is to input information from new loans into our computer system. Straight data entry. And even though it's great for a bipolar (the structure, set schedule 9-5, etc.), the job itself is mind-numbingly boring. I feel like I'm gunna go postal. I'm extremely irritable right now and I get into fights with people at work alot lately. I work with my aunt, too, who's about 3 months pregnant and highly emotional.. that causes issues. We're allowed to wear headphones while we work, so I have my iPod on right now, but it's about to die and I CANNOT listen to people talk. I'm so hungry but I won't let myself eat. I want to leave so bad cuz I can't concentrate and I can't handle staying here, but two weeks ago I missed 3 days of work because I had an awful cold, and a few weeks before THAT I missed a week for a similar reason.

I just need to vent. Sometimes I wonder if I even have bipolar. I'm on Zoloft, which sent me spiraling into hardcore hypomania last year. Long story short, I've been to ONE psychiatrist who agreed with my self-diagnosis of Bipolar II, but made it seem like because I've never been hospitalized and because I was able to make and keep an appointment with her, that I wasn't really that sick. Ya kno.. it's not that bad. So, forgive me for not wanting to seek out psychiatric help just now. I have NOTHING against the medical community, they've saved my life on many occasions, but that first visit was so discouraging that to look for a new doctor who will not only be familiar with bipolar, but will not brush me off if I'm anything but Bipolar I.. it just seems so intimidating and daunting.

There's a Bipolar support group meeting tonight about 10 minutes from my job. I'm back and forth on whether or not to go.. have any of you gone to support groups? As a recovering addict, I've been to NA and AA meeting in the past. I don't go anymore but when I did, I found it comforting. (Speaking of which, that's another problem--despite my severe anxiety, I can't take Xanax or anything like it because I'm an addict. My doctor wouldn't prescribe it to me, and really, I don't want it.)

I'm trying to stay on a schedule, to keep my day structured and improve my health. I eat right, I've been a vegetarian for 3 years, I'm thin, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't use any drugs (though I do have an extensive history of all 3).

Are there any tips anyone has for getting better? Medical, holistic, nutritional, support groups? It seems like if I'm not suicidal or completely manic, I'm not really taken seriously in how much I'm suffering inside so my options become limited. I'm kinda lost.

Sorry this was so long. Thanks for reading =)


[PS- real quick, I realized I didn't give much info on me. I'm 22, I was "officially" diagnosed last year (just after I turned 22), I've had depression since about age 11, I live with my boyfriend and we genuinely have a really great relationship. As much as I drive him nuts sometimes, he totally understands that it's not me. Also, what I didn't mention about my job.. we're under alot of pressure to input "the most files". So it's like an imaginary quota looming over my head that I have to WORKWORKWORK..]

crashley-
I want to give you big props for taking a moment to yourself to put on your ipod and sit down and reach out and name your feelings. It is better then going postal and I have been there. I used to experience a lot of what you are talking about at work.

I also want to say that I am no dr. and you should not take my opinion alone, but if you are looking for advice...here goes.

You need a new pdoc asap, or you need to go have a new CTJ (come to Jesus) with your current pdoc. Often times we are in denial about our symptoms or don't want to talk about them out loud to the very caretakers we should be telling. None of us want to admit how crazy we really do feel.

I have been very high functioning to the outside world my whole life and people, including dr.'s, missed all the signs. It took 11 years to be diagnosed, and sadly that is on par with the statistic of 9-10 years for the average person to get the proper diagnosis.

My opinion, please look into an alternative to Zoloft. Lexapro sent me into mania and I was taken off as soon as they figured it out and put on a mood stabilizer and an antipyschotic (not a cute work, but a good med.) You are in charge of your health and docs are only as good as the info they get, and sometimes they still aren't good. Plus the dr.'s and therapists work for us, we have every right to be vocal if what they are doing isn't working (within reason, sometimes we do need to be more patient, it's a balance)

If your gut is telling you they aren't getting it, maybe they aren't. It is not unusual to need to get a second opinion. For years my pdoc and I thought I was type II. But it turns out I probably never gave her enough info.

I recently went to Mass General in Boston (they are the best in the country) to see a pdoc who specializes in Bipalar and pregnancy because I want to have a baby. She shed a whole new light on things for me and changed by diagnosis to type I because she said if you have ever had even one major mania you are type I. Now, that doesn't effect my meds per say, but it was new information and a new diagnosis.

The point of that is to say that I wasn't second guessing my doc here in TX, I went for an expert opinion on pregnancy and when she did her full work up of me, she told me new stuff about the illness I never knew, she actually reconfirmed some stuff my doc was trying to get me to do with my meds that I had been reluctant to do, and she told me something very important, so please read this carefully.

She said that studies are showing that if we are not treated properly, each time we experience episodes that it appears there is some scar tissues developing on the brain that can create memory loss over time. She said it is critical that we maintain our meds at the proper level and that the meds are WORKING. It expained a lot for me because there are big holes in my memory over the years I was untreated.

So if it is clear to you now that the Zoloft is not the one for you, please go see a new doc, make sure they have experience treating plenty of bi polar people. They will most likely get you away from an anti depressant.

The pdoc in Boston told me that since an antidepressent sent me into mania I should never take one again. And this lady is a professor of psychiatry at Harvard so I tend to believe her.

As far as a support group goes, I say go. My tdoc says with any support group it is completely normal to have an "adjustment" period so you should commit to making 3 visits before you give up on it.

Please find a tdoc if you don't already have one. They should be able to guide you and maybe even know a good pdoc.

I wish you luck, and I will keep checking back on you. I know one thing for sure, if the Zoloft was right for you, and if you are taking it regularly, you would be feeling a hell of a lot better then you do right now.

hey-
thank you soo much for reading and responding! it means alot to be able to talk to other people going through this too. i appreciate any and all advice i can get! im feeling a little better now that the work day is almost over.. even though its only monday. im still iffy on the meeting tonite, and i kno most of that is due to my anxiety. i hate doing anything or going anywhere if im alone.. except shopping. part of that is just not wanting to be around anyone, not wanting to be judged.. and part of it is because im so petite, i look alot younger than 22, and i have spina bifida so God forbid someone sees me walk a little funny.. no matter where i am, i automatically feel all eyes on me. and of course, all that tends to wreak havoc on my depression.

i agree with finding the right doctor and the right meds.. i realized, too, that part of me is afraid to take the first step--because i always said i can handle this myself, and seeking treatment was a last resort. with that in mind, what if treatment doesnt work, u kno? then im left with no options. i kno this is probably unrealistic, but its the way my mind thinks. i dont kno, maybe i will go tonite. the zoloft is keeping me relatively stable (which isnt saying much, but its a hell of alot better than when im off it!) but its not making me better in the way that i want it to. its really worked wonderfully for depression (tho not erasing it, its definitely kicked it down about a thousand notches.. its been a long time since ive felt genuinely suicidal, which used to be a daily thing). but the anxiety is still here, the irritability, the agitation..

my first hypomanic episode happened 3 years ago. it was only looking back that i wondered if thats wat it was. i thought i was just miraculously recovering from depression. it was very subtle, pleasant, lovely.. i because more friendly, active, outgoing, even started working when i was previously unable to bc of the depression, and i enrolled in school. it wore off. then last year was my antidepressant-induced severe, irritable, dysphoric hypomania.. that was a disaster!

i guess i just really need to figure out the right kinda treatment plan. but more than anything i have to figure out how to find the right doctor. im really stressing over that, cuz i dont even kno where to start

I'm not sure what part of the country you live in, but there must be a way to find a good one. I called an operator at my medical insurance company and got lucky with the person I found.

It may be worth going to that meeting tonight just to meet someone and find out if they like their pdoc. Get the name of one if they give a good reference.

You can sometimes do a google search and some dr.'s to have websites where they list their credentials and their areas of specialty, it's not that common but it is worth a try.