I need some help!

I have been taking meds for ten years. I've taken wellbutrin, luvox, cymbalta lamictil, i've been prescribed anti-anxiety and sleep meds. I don't know what my problem is, but I can't get it right. I'm so frustrated because I can't control my behavior- i totally flip out at people close to me, (like sobbing if they can't do something with me) and then i blame them for making me feel bad. I can't sleep at night, I feel frustrated because I just can't get past this, i snap at everyone, i put so much pressure on my self to be perfect, and I can't be. I just keep thinking to myself, why can't one thing go right? How do people get control of bipolar disorder? I'm on the right meds, and I have days where i'm on cloud nine, couldn't be happier, and then other days where I really want to stop existing. I know it sounds like i'm feeling sorry for myself and not taking responsibility, but I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP! I'm in nursing school, and I tried to do Army and Navy nurse corps, and after months of application process and letters of recommendation and papers and medical records of my psychiatric history (i offered all freely) and they said it was fine to have bipolar, then they said no way, after 7 months of saying it was fine. Navy told me that they didn't 'take people like me in the navy.' and i don't even think i can adopt kids or be a foster parent, which I wanted to do. So as all this has happened, I have really started to feel more and more down.
Any comments or advice would be so much appreciated.
-stella

Stella

It seems to me that you haven't found the right combination of meds to help you control your bipolar disorder. There are many medications and many combination's of those.
In my opinion you need to talk to your PDOC and try something else because the ones you're on don't seem to be working well enough for you.
As you said, you have days where you're on cloud nine and days you want to stop existing. That sounds rather like mania and depression to me.
I spent years thinking that I was doing all I could to control my bipolar 1 but last November I had a HUGE manic episode that sent me to the mental ward and boy am I glad it did.
While there they change my meds and I came out a whole new woman.
Keep working with your PDOC. It doesn't have to be like it is now.

Stella,

I agree with Mooks. It sounds like your doc hasn't hit upon the right set of meds for you, yet. Unfortunately, we are all like little lab experiments. Because we are all so individual, Pdocs have to start with their best idea of how to treat us, and then go from there.

If your doc seems to think that you're about as good as it gets... then get a new doc. People with Bipolar disorder should be able to live a relatively stable life. Once someone is stable, it is feasible that he/she will only have minor mood and/or seasonal fluctuations with very few full relapses. You have a right to desire a good quality of life.

And one last thing - bipolar is not your fault. And, unless you're not compliant with your meds, the fact that your meds aren't working is not your fault. So, if you're not already seeing a therapist... get one. Get one soon.... like this Monday. You'll need a therapist to help you deal with your perfectionism and self-esteem issues, while your pdoc works on your meds. Therapy and psychiatry go hand in hand. Most Pdocs don't do therapy any more, but we still need therapeutic support in order to have the best outcomes with our bipolar disorder. I don't know what I'd do without my therapist. He helps to keep me grounded.

I wish you the best.

Be well,
Jules

I definately agree with the above posters. Keep evaulating your doctor and let him know that stuff isn't working. If you have to call his/her office to let them know...do that.

You do need to keep in mind that some medications can take awhile to get in your system. Even though you have been on medications for 10 years, they still have to get it right. It can take years to do that because everyone is unique.

I agree with all the above. And don't let the military get you down. My husband was in the Army Reserve for 20 plus years (He is retired from it now, Thank God) and the Military in general is very strange about what medications people can be on and still be in the Services. The recruiters are usually so anxious to fill their quotas they don't always tell people the straight story. The Services don't take people with diabetes either and they are easier to keep stable on their meds because they have blood tests that work and we, unfortuanately, do not.

You have been on your meds along time, sometimes ones that have worked just 'poop out' and stop working. If your pdoc won't work with you on a new combo, I agree you need a new pdoc. A Talk Therapist is a really good idea too, now I am going thru a med change (because my diagnosis changed) and I don't know what I would do without her insight and support.

Thank you all for your posts. Do you have any recommendations on what kind of therapist to get? Someone had said something about a cognitive behavioral therapist? Also, when talking to my doctor about new meds and different combinations, should i do some research myself, or will he have some different ideas of what I could take that may be more effective?

Also, have any of you noticed that certain people or activities can trigger you off the deep in one way or another? I've started to pick up on a little bit of a pattern of what may make me incredibly depressed. Is that possible, or just my imagination?

Stella, As far as go with what your pdoc says or research - I did both. I went to my doc with a list of possibles, and after about 6 months of hell - we have found a 'cocktail' that works. In researching bipolar, I have found the most common thread about meds is that it is rare that just one med by itself works. I am on 4 and I have been pretty much baseline stable for over a year now.
Keep working on it. Don't give up! Don't give in!! We have all been there, and it can get better.
Where I live, the choice of therapists is a bit limited. I journal and have some really supportive and well-informed family and friends though, so I have a great support system. The journaling is the key for me though. I can spew out whatever is bothering me and no one gets hurt - except the paper. :-)

My TDOC is a life coach and Hakumi (body coach). She has a very layed back way of helping me and lets me lead the sessions which is a good match for me. She doesn't know much about bipolar but that's okay. Where I am right now in my life I need help learning how to live well. My bipolar disorder is quite stable.
As to the pattern of certain activities or people triggering stuff...YES!!
If I talk to my oldest sister, even if it's just a quick hello, I guarentee I will have very low self esteam for a few days.
When I smell ginger I become depressed. Long story.
Oranges and I feel like taking a bath and feel kind of soft and lazy. Longer story.
Many things have a predictable effect on me, good and bad. Some I know the reason for and some I don't.
By learning these and working with them or staying away from them I am much more in control of my emotions.
It takes work to spot some of them and some can be very confusing or very surprizing. Just because it seems strange don't right it off. The mind is a strange place.

I'm not a doc and I've never played one on tv but when I look over your medicine chest, I don't see a compound I associate with maintenance. MY maint med is Depakote.. I've got a buddy that's been taking Lithium for ~20 years.. are you working with a psychiatrist or trying to get your primary physician (whom you no doubt know and trust) to find the "right" meds? My primary, tho' apt with diagnosis, prescribed exactly the WRONG med when I was in crisis, according to my Pdoc who nailed the"cocktail" in the first visit/interview.. and then made several tweaks to even out the swinging highs and lows. I still run a bit on the 'high side" of the cycle ( I don't mind, it feels good) and the "lows" seldom last more than a day or two.
I did basic"talk" therapy for several months and I'll probably give it another shot.
I finally decided my psycho cycle was exactly THAT, having more to do with diet, exercise and the phase of the moon than with "triggers." That's *why* I came to Mood Tracker.. to help evaluate my theory. I write and journal incessantly but find that a very unwieldy way of tracking my mood history. But it IS good therapy!

Sirkay

I understand what you're saying but I must say that even psychs don't always get the meds right. I was on Serozone, seroquil and gabitril for years.
Not good actually but my symptoms actually masked the fact that I wasn't stable.
(I know that sounds confusing but it's true)
Years of talk therapy and meds that weren't right left me thinking that I just had too weak a personality since, according to the doctors, I was being well treated.
For me it took a complete MANIC screaming fit and some time in a mental ward for them to figure out what had been happening and get me straightened out.

Sometimes it just takes a different set of eyes on the problem.

Gads, Mook.. I truly HATED Seroquel; I called it the manic squsher.. which I s'pose is what it WAS/is intended to do. And I didn't like the "extra" sleep that seemed to come with it OR the way I felt in the mornings. It is THE reason I completely quit taking meds after a year. My pdoc, who was "understanding" gave me good instructs to ease off the med trail and welcomed me back the next year saying I should've JUST told her it was that med in the first place.

For me Seroquil is a good friend.
I used to be hypomanic much more than depressive. I also have always had a hard time sleeping.
When they tried to wean me off the Seroquil I was a mess.
No sleep even with Ambian and when i did sleep I had nightmares, Hypomania spikes on a calm day for no reason. I don't have any problems with fatigue in the morning as long as I go to bed when I'm supposed to.
Isn't it strange how very different two peoples reactions can be?