New here-please advise?

Hi All,
I'm new here and would appreciate your input/advice. I've been for blood tests today, had an ECG yesterday because it looks as though I have Bipolar and they're getting some baseline results before beginning treatment. I'm very scared yet relieved about all this, as I feel like I've been fighting this disorder for the majority of my life ( I'm 35) I get extremely depressed, but I also have highs too. I've gotten myself into serious debt through 'happy time' spending sprees. I'm either the life and soul of the party or the absolute rock bottom, and it's getting me down. I need stability and I'm desperate for it if I'm honest..fortunately my partner of 8 years has taken this as well as he could and is being very supportive, but obviously it's a genuinely confusing time for me and it's opening a lot of old wounds and this is in turn making me very anxious, impatient, forgetful and at times irritable.
I asked for help a few weeks ago from my GP, having read a little on people who are being treated for depression but may actually have BP. (The reason it's not detected is because these people only see their GP when badly depressed and obviously not when feeling good. This rang true with me) My family history involves parents who both have had mental health issues in the past( my Father's undetermined, my mother had a breakdown when I was a child) There's a strong link on my Dad's side, my paternal grandfather was hospitalised due to his mental health and my aunt committed suicide. Against this my upbringing was fraught, my parent's marriage reduced to domestic violence and then when I was an older child I was seriously sexually abused by a neighbour. The irony of this is that I've felt I had everything under control, but if I'm being straight I never,ever have:(
I like a drink and I'm very conscious that I have the potential to be a heavy drinker..fortunately my partner makes sure that this isn't an option for me!) I was diagnosed with me about 10 years ago and was really ill with it, to the extent that I had no energy and could barely walk, but now I'm rethinking this entirely and wondering if that was a manifestation of my depression? Something else to note is that I have huge ventricles in my brain and am classed as having Hydrocephalic symptoms, although I'm not shunted for it and only occasionally suffer from bad headaches. I've recently seen an article on the web pointing to this being observed amongst people with bipolar syndrome illnesses.I can't say that my first appointment with the Pdoc has filled me with hope either. I was seen by her student, and she came in to talk to me at the end. She seemed intent of pressurising me into looking into counselling for the sexual abuse that I suffered but I don't want to deal with that just yet- I don't feel like I need those wounds reopened and I have more pressing concerns about my depression and mood. She asked me to keep a mood chart for a couple of weeks which I have been doing on here, and I also have to write down severe mood shifts endured over the last five years. This in itself will prove difficult because i struggle to remember so very much:( I'm going back on the 19th to see them again and will present my chart that I'm completing below, as well as this timeline..but I'm scared. I've heard Lithium is very helpful and can really help alleviate the symptoms, but I wondered if this was the case? All I know is that I want to feel like me again, at the moment I'm completely lost and bewildered. I am reading a book, 'The Bipolar Survivor's Guide' that she suggested to me and I am finding myself reflected on so many levels in that book, but it opens all sorts of cans of worms. For example, I've had a 'head-radio' (music in my head) for a long time, to the point of distraction sometimes, and I've always thought other people had them too, but that would appear not to be the case:( I also have very vivid dreams, very bright colours and have had periods of flat-out internet addiction.
Please find enclosed my mood chart- am I doing this right? I'm trying to make it a genuine reflection of how I feel but I'm so all over the place at the moment that It's very difficult to know if I am recording it correctly?
Any advise will be truly appreciated. I do feel so very lost at the moment:( Finally the notes below are what I presented to the doctor..it's a mish-mash of symptoms that I've suffered with and continue to..apologies for burdening the forum with all this but I really need to tray and find some answers, so does any of this sound familiar?
Manic episodes?

Childhood: Went into back of car on my bike, almost removed entire skin off kneecap. Went HYSTERICAL at the idea of going to hospital to be stitched to the extent that mum couldn't calm me down and I was off on one for a few days-in the end knee healed leaving huge scar.
Teenage: Became obsessed with my very first boyfriend. He dumped me so I started following him, went hysterical at him Punched a wall in frustration, started cutting myself (very brief period) Began drinking heavily and getting very drunk.
Late teenage- Entire week at college when I was practically bouncing off the walls- running around the refectory, corridors, getting into trouble. Skipping classes, being centre of attention.
Singing very loudly on the bus home every single night ( obsessed with song 'Let's do it' By Victoria Wood) wasn't singing but shouting the lyrics..embarrassed friends.
Behaved 'inappropriately' with another student in the refectory..not my normal self at all.
Early thirties: went through a period after break-up with ex where I had unlimited energy, was looking good, centre of attention ( again) going out Friday, Saturday AND Sunday nights. Felt great, really buzzing. Thought that I was amazing and that everyone wanted to be with me. Little appetite ( what I was eating was curry) spending money like water and everything was at increased speed.
Countless other instances interspersed with 'normal' periods/overwhelming depression.

Other symptoms:
Feel like a fraud..lost sight of myself. Lost my identity.
Panic/irrational fears..
Racing thoughts.
Like having my own personal Ipod plugged in. Lots of music and SL sounds...Can almost imagine I'm in SL when I'm in RL.
Talking too fast and talking over people:
Having to be told to slow down when on phone..words mispronounced because trying to get them out too fast. Speaking over people because desperate to get my thoughts out in the open in case they become replaced by something else and I forget what I wanted to say. ( Consider my opinion more important than anyone elses, sometimes think the people around me are not as intelligent as I am, get to feeling very grandiose.)
Overwhelming sense of being important..destined for greatness.
LOVE an audience when I'm feeling 'up', seek out an audience, speak in a loud voice to attract attention. Love making people laugh..wanted to be a stand-up comedienne.
Pop Concerts: Always have to sit as close to the front as possible so that they( the band/artist) can see me. Not happy to be a face in the crowd.
Leg jigging..can't stop, especially when feel agitated. Drives Phil MAD.
Shaking.
Very easily distracted. Hard to concentrate..head feels 'empty'. ..then it feels 'full'. Get panicked because I forget all my good ideas.
Want to sleep/sleep issues ( not sleeping as well as I'd like to at the moment)
Lack of appetite.
Feel very down ( noticed by colleagues)
No enthusiasm, no drive, no ambition..just feel like an empty vessel.
Buy books, learn everything on a particular subject..become obsessed by it to the extent of
excluding other things...
Bad memory, forgetful...feel like am losing my writing abilities.
Extra sensitive to smells/noises.
Out with the dog constantly...have to be doing something; do a 'rush' job.
Spend money recklessly/ come up with schemes for making money ( eg Tarot Reading etc) eg web site all planned out, cannot sleep until it's done...
Buy presents for people..

**Definite differences in moods..from being very very low to very very up...tired of this, need it to stop. Want to be back to normality and feel more stable*

=^..^=

Kittywitch-
Welcome. I think it is amazing that you have been so candid and that you are making efforts to educate yourself and be compliant with your dr.'r recommendations.

The book you are reading was my life saver. I agree it also opens a can of worms. As you are reading it you see yourself and see things you never even associated, like the radio in the head.

From your notes it sounds like you are a classic case, so now it is what to do about it. Keep doing what you are doing, you are on the right track. I think you will have your days you feel empowered because you have an answer and a plan and you are seeking help and education. But don't be surprised if you wake up some days and feel angry at the diagnosis or resent the pills you need to take. It is all normal.

I still struggle with the stigma. But I also choose to be a living example of someone who can be a high functioning person with bipolar disorder. But I also give myself permission to have my off days. It won't be perfect and it won't be easy, but it will be a hell of a lot better then the last 20 years. Good Luck and keep coming back. Everyone here is so supportive.

Welcome to the forum. I wish I had had access to this wonderful tool years ago. If you aren't able to enter your data online daily make a checklist that you can quickly chart on for later entry because complete mood records are most useful in determining which treatment plans work best. Most likely the road to the right plan will be long, curvey and hilly.

A site that has helped me is www.psycheducation.org .

There are many knowledgable, experienced and supportive people here and I hope you will keep us all informed of your progress.

Welcome and I wish you all the luck in the world.
You mean the radio in my head all the time isn't normal? I never knew it was a BP problem.
I guess you learn something new every day.