sirkay sed
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May 23, 2009 - 8:54 pm
I don't do short very well, but I wanted to state MY expectations for coming to MoodTracker. After I spent a lot of hours, especially in the first year or two after my diagnosis five years ago, anguishing over what triggered changes in my psycho cycle, and downswings in particular, I finally decided it's simply a matter of timing conspiring with diet, exercise, and sleep.. and I've quit looking for triggers. The "cusp" feeling is pretty distinctive, and I'd like to be able to anticipate whether I'm swinging up or down. The meds make the swings less pronounced, but not a lot less infrequent.. mainly a LOT less pronounced. That's the way it seems to me.
So I came to the Tracker to see if I could find a regularity in the events. I've mentoned that I write and journal, but that's not a good way to try to keep up, mainly because, like a "good" manic, I'm keeping three or four journals at once. THERE"S a telling remark; I have notions about what manic and depressed look like but I only "recognize" them in the past tense.. liike, "oh I guess I was kinda depessed that day" or.. "hmm wow, I let a couple of days of normal get by."
I must admit I like mania better than depression and the time I went off meds for a year was mainly because my doc had hit a cocktail that wiped out the manic and made the the psychic landscape too flat and too uninteresting.
So I came to the Tracker to see if I could find a regularity in the events. I've mentoned that I write and journal, but that's not a good way to try to keep up, mainly because, like a "good" manic, I'm keeping three or four journals at once. THERE"S a telling remark; I have notions about what manic and depressed look like but I only "recognize" them in the past tense.. liike, "oh I guess I was kinda depessed that day" or.. "hmm wow, I let a couple of days of normal get by."
I must admit I like mania better than depression and the time I went off meds for a year was mainly because my doc had hit a cocktail that wiped out the manic and made the the psychic landscape too flat and too uninteresting.
Medications for May 2009
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I don't do short very well, but I wanted to state MY expectations for coming to MoodTracker. After I spent a lot of hours, especially in the first year or two after my diagnosis five years ago, anguishing over what triggered changes in my psycho cycle, and downswings in particular, I finally decided it's simply a matter of timing conspiring with diet, exercise, and sleep.. and I've quit looking for triggers. The "cusp" feeling is pretty distinctive, and I'd like to be able to anticipate whether I'm swinging up or down. The meds make the swings less pronounced, but not a lot less infrequent.. mainly a LOT less pronounced. That's the way it seems to me.
So I came to the Tracker to see if I could find a regularity in the events. I've mentoned that I write and journal, but that's not a good way to try to keep up, mainly because, like a "good" manic, I'm keeping three or four journals at once. THERE"S a telling remark; I have notions about what manic and depressed look like but I only "recognize" them in the past tense.. liike, "oh I guess I was kinda depessed that day" or.. "hmm wow, I let a couple of days of normal get by."
I must admit I like mania better than depression and the time I went off meds for a year was mainly because my doc had hit a cocktail that wiped out the manic and made the the psychic landscape too flat and too uninteresting.
So I came to the Tracker to see if I could find a regularity in the events. I've mentoned that I write and journal, but that's not a good way to try to keep up, mainly because, like a "good" manic, I'm keeping three or four journals at once. THERE"S a telling remark; I have notions about what manic and depressed look like but I only "recognize" them in the past tense.. liike, "oh I guess I was kinda depessed that day" or.. "hmm wow, I let a couple of days of normal get by."
I must admit I like mania better than depression and the time I went off meds for a year was mainly because my doc had hit a cocktail that wiped out the manic and made the the psychic landscape too flat and too uninteresting.
Medications for May 2009
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May 24, 2009 - 5:30 pm
Total Posts: 522
Joined: 05-09-2009
Joined: 05-09-2009
Yeah, *plenty* funny how some of that stuff works out. I woulda SWORE, last night, that I was easing into a manic phase, but, here's a bit from one of my journals today (edited for language, content and to fit this screen).
It's JUST too weird. I seem to be feeling okay, but when I come in and find no new messes I'm crushed and angry and I want to go take a nap. I sent a needy plea out to six or seven grrls yesterpm and haven't gotten a single strike back. It's been.. gee, I'd say fifteen hours or so. I hate having my sense of well-being tied to that tenuous external gratification.. no it's not gratification.. external affirmation. I am in a psychic place where NOT getting those strokes makes me feel like I don't DESERVE notice.. it's that "I'm not worthy" bullstuff and I know it's false and it's like the anger over the empty inbox.. I *know* that's not an appropriate response but it's real. Okay, it's real for me; it's the feeling, the lens, that I'm filtering everything else thru' because stuff coming into that inbox.. that stray affirmation is THE most important thing in the world to me rc now. How effed up is that? Yeah, it's quite damn effed up and almost of course, knowing it's a screwed up mindset doesn't make it any less abhorent.. and it doesn't do a whole lot to get me OUT of that sorry space.
Heh, I realized after the second or third "edit" pass that there WILL be something coming to the inbox when I'm done - - a notification that the dicsussion I've been following has been updated.
It's JUST too weird. I seem to be feeling okay, but when I come in and find no new messes I'm crushed and angry and I want to go take a nap. I sent a needy plea out to six or seven grrls yesterpm and haven't gotten a single strike back. It's been.. gee, I'd say fifteen hours or so. I hate having my sense of well-being tied to that tenuous external gratification.. no it's not gratification.. external affirmation. I am in a psychic place where NOT getting those strokes makes me feel like I don't DESERVE notice.. it's that "I'm not worthy" bullstuff and I know it's false and it's like the anger over the empty inbox.. I *know* that's not an appropriate response but it's real. Okay, it's real for me; it's the feeling, the lens, that I'm filtering everything else thru' because stuff coming into that inbox.. that stray affirmation is THE most important thing in the world to me rc now. How effed up is that? Yeah, it's quite damn effed up and almost of course, knowing it's a screwed up mindset doesn't make it any less abhorent.. and it doesn't do a whole lot to get me OUT of that sorry space.
Heh, I realized after the second or third "edit" pass that there WILL be something coming to the inbox when I'm done - - a notification that the dicsussion I've been following has been updated.
Yeah, *plenty* funny how some of that stuff works out. I woulda SWORE, last night, that I was easing into a manic phase, but, here's a bit from one of my journals today (edited for language, content and to fit this screen).
It's JUST too weird. I seem to be feeling okay, but when I come in and find no new messes I'm crushed and angry and I want to go take a nap. I sent a needy plea out to six or seven grrls yesterpm and haven't gotten a single strike back. It's been.. gee, I'd say fifteen hours or so. I hate having my sense of well-being tied to that tenuous external gratification.. no it's not gratification.. external affirmation. I am in a psychic place where NOT getting those strokes makes me feel like I don't DESERVE notice.. it's that "I'm not worthy" bullstuff and I know it's false and it's like the anger over the empty inbox.. I *know* that's not an appropriate response but it's real. Okay, it's real for me; it's the feeling, the lens, that I'm filtering everything else thru' because stuff coming into that inbox.. that stray affirmation is THE most important thing in the world to me rc now. How effed up is that? Yeah, it's quite damn effed up and almost of course, knowing it's a screwed up mindset doesn't make it any less abhorent.. and it doesn't do a whole lot to get me OUT of that sorry space.
Heh, I realized after the second or third "edit" pass that there WILL be something coming to the inbox when I'm done - - a notification that the dicsussion I've been following has been updated.
It's JUST too weird. I seem to be feeling okay, but when I come in and find no new messes I'm crushed and angry and I want to go take a nap. I sent a needy plea out to six or seven grrls yesterpm and haven't gotten a single strike back. It's been.. gee, I'd say fifteen hours or so. I hate having my sense of well-being tied to that tenuous external gratification.. no it's not gratification.. external affirmation. I am in a psychic place where NOT getting those strokes makes me feel like I don't DESERVE notice.. it's that "I'm not worthy" bullstuff and I know it's false and it's like the anger over the empty inbox.. I *know* that's not an appropriate response but it's real. Okay, it's real for me; it's the feeling, the lens, that I'm filtering everything else thru' because stuff coming into that inbox.. that stray affirmation is THE most important thing in the world to me rc now. How effed up is that? Yeah, it's quite damn effed up and almost of course, knowing it's a screwed up mindset doesn't make it any less abhorent.. and it doesn't do a whole lot to get me OUT of that sorry space.
Heh, I realized after the second or third "edit" pass that there WILL be something coming to the inbox when I'm done - - a notification that the dicsussion I've been following has been updated.
Joined: 05-09-2009