Feelin Lost

Ok, dont like to really just throw my personal life out there, but hopefully noone I really know will see this!

I feel lost. I am seeing my Dr. regularly. He has added an antidepressant to the mood stablizer I currently take.

I have a lot going on, finances, recent divorce, kids etc. I feel LOST. Not really sure how to describe it except that I feel like I cannot do it all anymore. I drive down the road and literally am in tears every day. It's everything I can do to get to work so I don't lose my job.

Doing therapy. All I say is the same old crap. I feel bad, I hate who I am, I hate that my head is all screwed up. I am a bit scared... my thoughts scare me. If anyone really knew how the thought run in my head I'd be committed.

I guess thru all my babbling all I am trying to say is I feel like I could care less... about working, paying bills. I feel done, lost and very lonley.

How do ya'll deal with it when you feel this way (or am I the only one)? I hate this. I can't keep doing it.... I'm tired of crying and hating myself and my life.

m3
the best we can offer IS our support. You're not the onlly one that's gone thru' these trials and the simple fact that thre are so many of us kinda shows that you CAN get thru' it. When I was @ my wit's end.. thinking I absolutely can't go on like this.. that I was completely worthless that.. yeah, you get the pic.. when I was in that space, I "came up up with a "religious" affirmation of my worth.. essentially if God thinks you're worth having around, saving, LIVING, loving.. well then, it oghta be pretty clear that, indeed, you do have GREAT worth.

i am soooo sorry about how you feel...ain't it the crappiest feeling? I hate feeling like that...I feel like that inside and doing what i'm supposed to be doing is a struggle, but at least you can cry...all my pain is held inside than i get that all over pain feeling, especially in my neck and shoulders...what i feel helps me is getting on the eliptical machine..and eating healthy and staying away from alcohol, that is the worse, makes me so depressed...and i read lots of devotionals , so just remember tomorrow is another day and even thought sorrow is here now, joy cometh in the morning peace!!

You really need to give yourself a lot of credit. The fact that you can hold down a job and feeling like you do means that you are a very strong person. So what if you cry in your car. You are still doing what needs to be done. The divorce is stressful for anybody. You really should not hate yourself but I know that is easier said than done. You sound severely depressed in your post. And, I know what that is like. When your severely depressed sometimes your thoughts just go wild. I wonder if that can be helped with medication? It is horrible when your own thoughts are out of control. You just did the first step to change by acknowledging you need to change. Maybe just maybe your realling doing better than you give yourself credit for.

Clara

I appreciate everything everyone posted here. Thank You. I don't feel severly depressed, as I am forcing myself to get out of bed everyday. Granted, I nap every chance I get. Then again, lack of a job would only make things worse. I'm muddling thru, kinda just waiting for "a break" or for "me to break". One of the two is bound to happen.

I do hate feeling this way. Hopeless is the worst feeling ever. I am very hard on myself, always have been. Clara, you posted that I should give myself some credit for what I am doing. You know, I hear that from some people, but the only way I can look at it is that "normal" people get up go to work everyday, have these great jobs that they succeed in, run kids around, socialize and even more. Crap, I can only make it to work every day. What kind of person does that make me?? I mean, come on ya'll. Its gotta make you feel weak to not be able to function like normal people....

Anyways, thanks again for letting me babble here. I'm ready for some relief. I NEED some relief!!! I continue to look forward to your posts.

Hey Mommy

You are right. "Normal" people get up and go to work every day and have these great jobs and all that. What you don't see is the person behind the word normal. Everyone has struggles. House payments unpaid or kids that go wild when no one is watching.
Stop comparing yourself to the "normal" people. There is no such thing.
I know... On the outside I'M one of the "normal" people. I have a great husband and kids and do all the normal stuff and have for years.
I have bipolar 1. The harshest of the BPDs.
I know you need some relief and I know what it's like to wonder if you are going to break before you get a break.

So take a break..... I know that's easier said than done but it doesn't have to be a big one. I take a bubble bath with candles while I listen to my favorite music or go for a walk in the woods behind my house. It takes less than an hour and can lift my spirits like nothing else.
Go to Icanhascheezburger.com. It's funny and can take my mind off things well.
Find a smell that is calming for you (mine is oranges) then get candles or something with that scent and lay in bed reading a favorite book for a while.
Do something now and try to do it every day or at least a few times a week.
We can't escape our brains but we can escape the interaction we have with the world for a while.

Getting your medications right is important too. Make sure every doc you talk to knows how you are feeling. They can talk together and figure out if it's the new meds you started or something else needs to be done.

Thanks so much Mooky. I have been told exactly what you have said here. One thing I am trying is to add calming eveing wind down time. I find that my mind races the most when I am alone and quiet, especially at night. I'm trying to get to my room and either read or watch some tv. I'm hoping that with this new schedule I can get to bed and rest without going over everything over and over and over in my head. It takes time, I know.

Again, thanks Mooky!

Oh my God, is like I am reading something I wrote. I feel the exact same way. The only thing that gets me through is thinking about my son. I think back on my crappy childhood and what I needed from my mother and it keeps me from doing anything crazy. Trust me if anyone knew what goes on in my crazy head I would probably also get committed. Sometimes I don't even trust myself writing them doin in my journal. What also gets me through is that working in the mental health field, I have seen people at their worst and have seen them get better which keeps me hopeful for myself as well. hope that helps...

so people do get better? I am so hopeful, I've been feeling this way FOREVER...have not tried meds, too chicken, but tired of being tired...you all are my inspiration..thanks guys

I've been there, too. Fortunately for me my moods are rapid cycling with every menstruation, so these cry-all-the-way-to-work days occur for about 2-3 days for me and then they pass. I know it's got to be a lot harder when the most lasts much longer, but as soon as my mood begins I do two things - one, I pray for God's assistance and then I let myself feel whatever I'm feeling and don't beat myself up. If I cry all the way to work and cry in the bathroom a couple of times during breaks - so be it. I usually feel much better after a good day of crying. They're my emotions, darn it, and I'll have them and express them however I choose.

I have had worse feelings, like when I was on too much Prozac and I felt numb. I wished for anything- crying, anger, mania, just anything to feel something, so I would much rather cry all day than feel numb.

Anyway, the second thing that I do is promise myself that I can have or do whatever I want within reason. So, if I want to spend $20 on something I don't need, but have wanted, I have that option. If you have a greater budget than mine, that's wonderful. Or, I promise myself that if I can just get through the day and perform my job to the best of my ability, I allow myself to read for an hour before I go to bed after the kids are in bed.

For some reason, having that thing to look forward to at the end of each bad day helps me focus not on the moods so much as the goal and if the goal becomes uninteresting halfway through the day, move the notch mark back a little. $25 in stead of $20, or an ice cream cone on the way home from work and then a serious 40 minute work out to blow off stress after the kids are in bed. This may not work for you, but working out really helps me to relax and I sleep better. Other people get all hyped up working out at night.

Obviously if you don't have two nickels to rub together (and I've been there, too) then you will have to become more creative in your little "prizes for getting through the day". If you're like me and having a clean house is very important, then I just make it my mission that one room of the house will be spotless before I go to bed. I have a lot of friends who would much rather not lift a finger on the house after working all day, and I think if that works for you, do that, too. I have to have order. It makes me feel better.

Long story - short, I think if you can get your mind on something else besides what's causing the stress and focus on anything, no matter how trivial it may seem, you can assist your mood throughout the day. Just make sure that whatever your goal or prize is, that it is something that you want, not something that you need or have to do. It's important that whatever you focus on is for you - either your health, your heart, your soul, your sanity, whatever, but it's for you today, not for someone else.

Hi Mommyof3,

I totally understand where you are comming from. I have left my husband and 3 beautiful kids. I have left my job as well. Not much more I could loose I guess. Anyway take a look at www.mdjunction.com it is the most helpful site I have found to date. Keep smiling and hang in there.

Oh btw, dont worry about who will see what. Life it way to short to worry about what others think.

This post is for Lookingup.
I can see that you want to get better. My question is..What are you doing to make that come true?
You said that you don't take any medications because you're chicken.
As far as I know medications are necessary, along with a healthy lifestyle, to get
better.
I don't understand.
Are you using supplements or herbal drinks or something?
I hope you aren't just waiting for it all to go away because it won't.
I would be chicken not to go on meds.
I know how messed up I can get.
And yes.... People do get better.
I'm Bipolar 1 and lived for years all over the charts.
Take a look at my chart now.
ô¸ô

To feelinglost. We could all deal with these feelings. You are feelin overwhelmed that is why u feel depressed. Women are expected to do everything when in reality many women can't handle all that stress calmly as is expected. You have 3 kids and you work full time that is a lot of stress. So don't feel bad if you feel you can't do it from time to time. You have to stop hating yourself and accepting yourself. Hopefully, your therapist will help you out with that. Sometimes all it takes is the right meds.