Bad day

Usually i come on and I'm feeling okay. Trying to help out if i can.
Well this time I'm not. I woke up this morning in a foul mood and it stayed with me all day.

I'm sure everyone goes through a time when they just want all the bipolar stuff to stop. They want to be normal.
Well I've been as normal as I've ever been for a while now and I still just want it all to stop.
I want to stop having to take medications so that I can be seen as acceptable. I want to run away from my brain today.
It's not that my moods have been messing up or anything... that's actually the problem. I miss me....... I miss the messed up, over friendly, crazy woman that I grew up with.

I know my moods went everywhere from suicidal to laughing for days about seeing a bug on a rug..... but that was me...
Now I feel like no one wants me. All they want is this fake, level headed, calm and rational person. Like if I don't take my pills and be a good little girl I'll get in trouble because I'll start acting like I used to.
I've started hating my clock. Four times a day my alarm goes off to remind me that I'm bipolar and that I'm dependent on medications to be acceptable to society. Four times a day I'm am dragged from whatever I've gotten into and back into the world of the mentally ill.
I hate it. I hate my pills and my clock and the me that I have to be now.
I want a time machine so i can go back to my childhood when my moods were just a phase I was going through.

I'm sure everyone hates this stupid illness. I just didn't think I'd hate it so much now that it's under control.

im so sorry how you are feeling... i going thru somethig and not sure if bipora yet. i have a son that bipolar. i wanted to say my thoughts are with ya....

have you ever been to a place called DS?? it a group place for any walks of life and has a place for bipolar, if you like the link i posted it next time... hang in there, ps it even as a place for jorunal too. take care ang

mooky, i was just thinking about this yesterday.

obvi, we all have times when we're "crazy" and enjoy it.. but what i find most interesting is this- when im sick, i dont care if i have to be on medication for the rest of my life, as long as it makes me better. and when im better, i hate the fact that i have to take pills to keep myself that way. i hated it a few days ago that i had to pop all this #@$%&* just to be semi-normal [and not even fully stable!].

then i skipped a day.

and so yesterday, i left work after 2 hours to go straight to my dr, for something. anything. new med, new dose, whatever.. i told her i didnt kno wat to do. its amazing how the way u feel in any given moment can dictate how u feel about ur whole health care thing in general..

i dont kno if thats helpful at all. i just wanted to let u kno i feel it too. =)

I hate meds too! I have gone the last 10+ years going on and off of meds. Last year at this time I was taking 5 different meds and I had gained over 30lbs in less than a year- I was sick of it- so I stopped taking all of my meds (including my Yaz bc) Within a month I was pregnant - I had severe HG during my entire pregnancy (hospilatized over 15 times)- My doctors put me on many different meds at this time- some for the nausea and vomiting and some for anxiety/mood. It sucked- because of all the complications during my pregnancy I saw a number of dr's and pdocs- one dr would prescribe something for me- then I'd see another dr and they'd freak out because of the combo or the catergory of the drug and take me off of it. I was not able to work- lost my job- spent 90% of my time in bed. I even had a TIA (i think that's what its called- a mini stroke)- I think as a result to one of the meds I was taking (Reglan). I really hate having to take pills-

Now- my baby is a healthy 2 month old (although he came early and was less than 6 lbs)- I am only taking Xanax- I'd really like to see if I can go without my usual cocktail of meds for a while. My pdoc is ok with this idea- however has instructed me to track my moods- and ask others to "keep an eye on me" (that is why I am on this site)

I hate having BP- I hate having to take meds and go to the doctor- I hate the way people view BP- I hate not feeling ok.

crashley, and other, yeah i know about hate meds. my son he takes abilify, lithium 2differnt dose and then he on invega and then he on seroqule. he been taking med since he was in 3 grade and he 17. he been on all types of meds,

he says he going to quit taking them when he 18 he be adult and im scared b/c he has a bad temper and his moods get very exslosive. i just want him to feel better and not be so angry and iritable.

well like i told the first perosn there a site called DS and it a nice place to go and meet other and has a jorunal too. www.dailystrength.org you can join any of there groups bipolar teens and just reg bipolor so on , im not sure if you all are teens. i just trying to help.... take care ang

i'm so scared, im not on meds but want it all to go away, want it to go away so much i cant tell anyone to help because id have to accept it, and i dont want to accept it because its so permenant, like while i deny it im only messing up my whole life temporarily and it will go away, but every1 hates me how i am, rows surround me and noone understands or can cope with me hw i am, least of all me, and im fed up of being so suicidal, and i wish i believed in god or something to hang onto but i cant, and as im such a coward i see no exits

this is me stable, and looking at my life im watching it all fall apart already, and if i dont take it away, im going to have to fcae this mess somehow, if not accepting the cause at least accepting the damage

and im so scared, scared the people i love will give up on trying to understand and help and think me a brat

im scared i'll give up myself

maybe, im so sorry how ya feel, i do feel some like you do at times, like i said i have a son that bipolar and he 17 and i might have it i had my reg dr say i have it but differnt them my son b/c he more agressive and thnigs and more manic. i try going to a shrink, and she dont think i b.p b/c i not manic and spending all types of money, but i went to my ds site and the b/p people that said you dont always have to be like that to be bipolar..

i have more depress states and do wish i would die. but i have had these manic states when i was younger before other health issue that makes me more drain and tired. i get very irriatable and angry and hit my self and i hit things around. so i dont know what she saysd this and the reg dr things im b/p.

sorry for me to go inot mine stuff but wanted to let ya know i feel alot like you noone understand my other child and the kids dad and people i work with.

all they keep saying is i crazy and need to quit my job. i have to try to keep it i have kids to support. i not sure how much more i can handle this before i do break down.

were here for oyu hun... and like i said there another site too i use and other that might give more support and thngs... you dont have to give you real name i dont.

i hope everyone has a great weekend and staying cool!!!!!!!!!!!

ps mine mind forget maybe, i be praying for you i remeber you said about beliving god. even tho what i going thru i still have my faith.

i know the devil wants me to go toward him but i not, i read my bible every night the best place to go and read is( psalms) it a book about david. he was the one that him and babsha had affair and he had her husband killed.

the main part is david had alot of depression in his life and trials and that where i go alot to read and get incouragement that he got stregth from god...
im sorry not a good preosn say what i wan to get out. my thought are with ya and everyone here.. take care huggg...... ang

Dear Maybe
I'm sorry you're so scared but there is only one really way out of the mess you are in and that's to accept your DX and get on meds. This is not something that will go away if you ignore it. The longer you ignore it the more of a mess you life can become.
I know that accepting that you have a mental illness is scary. We've all had to do it.
I can tell you that it wasn't until we accepted it and did something about it that we started getting better.
Just by posting here you've taken a step.
Inside you know you are bipolar and need help.
Please talk to your doctors and get help. It's really the only way for things to get better.
I'm an atheist too so instead of saying that I'll pray for you I'll just say that you are in my thoughts and hopes.

Take care and keep in touch.