How do I deal with

I'm new to all this so please understand if my questions have been asked before. I couldn't find it in the forums.
I've been diagnosed with BP for a LONG time. I thought my meds were working well.
I guess I was wrong. Long story short my meds got changed and now my family says I'm like a new person. I'm calm and seem "Normal", what ever that means.
But inside I'm a mess. All my life I've been guided by extreme emotions. Sure it was hard to live with but it's what I'm used to. Now that I'm on new meds those emotions left. I feel like a fish out of water. I've turned into a intensity junkie. I miss the intense emotions so much that I find myself putting extra hot hot sauce on my tacos and sometimes trying to pick a fight just so I don't feel all dull inside. My psych is even suggesting I increase my meds because I still seem a bit manic so it's not like I'm over medicated. I'm glad my family likes the "new" me but I'm going crazy. Any advise I could get from someone that's been here I would greatly appreciate. Thanks

I think what you're feeling is not at all uncommon. A lot of people miss those extremes once their illness is properly controlled on meds, sometimes both the ups and the downs, and they're not used to feeling "normal." It might help if you can find other ways to fulfill that need for intensity, as long as it's something safe, maybe something physical such as strenuous exercise or a more extreme sport. Finding a healthy outlet would be ideal, rather than picking fights, etc because you don't want to wind up hurt or in trouble with the law.

I think oftentimes people worry so much about coping with the "problems" related to the disorder, that they forget we have to learn how to cope with getting better because that can be equally as difficult. You learn to live a certain way for so long and suddenly that changes and it's a very hard adjustment to make. During periods when I've felt more normal, I've definitely missed the extreme emotions and I've found myself sabotaging my good health just so I could feel something again. I strongly advise against that. Might be a good idea to talk this over with a therapist if you're not already doing so. Mine has had great insight about the topic, as it's something we have discussed multiple times before. Just know that you're definitely not alone in feeling this way and there's nothing abnormal about it! Just do your best to find healthy ways to cope and healthy outlets for the intensity you seek, and maybe consider discussing further with a professional. Good luck!

Thank you so much for your reply. I wasn't sure if it was just me that feels the loss of extremes. I've been in touch with both of my councilors often and I am trying to deal. It's just so nice to hear from someone else that has to battle being "Normal".
You are right. Picking fights isn't the right thing to do. It was just all i could think of.
I'm going to try hard to work on stuff that I used to enjoy that isn't detrimental like playing piano and lifting weights.
I did get a bit of a hard hit yesterday. I saw a councilor and she thinks I still have a ways to go before my BP is under control. She want's to up my med.
How depressing is that? I'm already having problems at this emotional level and now she wants to bring it down farther. I asked, and she complied, that she give me a while longer before changing anything so I can try to catch my emotional balance first. I just can't believe that non BP people actually feel so little. How on earth do they know when to laugh? Thanks again for your replay.

I have found playing the piano a great way to let my emotions out!


k

Well I don't believe that "normal" people lack feeling extreme emotions, etc because I do honestly believe that some medications have a dulling effect on emotions. So while medications may help stabilize your moods, there is a possibility they are dulling or numbing your emotions, not necessarily normalizing you. Does that make sense? You have to find a med that stabilizes you, but at the same time allows you to still FEEL things. Not to the point where all of your emotions are extreme, but some happy medium, or something close to "normal" you could say. Normal isn't numb and it isn't dull--make sure you understand that distinction :) It is a common complaint from many people with mental health issues, whether depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, etc, that their medications make them feel numb, and it's not always that they just miss the extremes, it can actually be that their medication IS making them feel numb--and that is NOT normal. Hope that helped!

I wanted to let you all know that I'm starting to get used to the new more "Normal" emotions. It's still hard but my husband and kids are be so supportive as are you guys. I'm a poet and have also been working a lot of it out in verse which helps too. I'm not nearly as scared as I was when I first posted. I am still confused but at least I'm not as scared. If anyone would like I can post a couple of the poems I wrote that helped me. If not that's fine. This isn't really a poetry forum. Thanks for being so supportive. It's nice to know that I have somewhere to voice my fears and stuff where i won't be judged. :)

PS. to my last post. I am going to ask my councilor about whether she thinks my emotions are dulled or just less tomorrow. The more time I spend with them the more I think they just aren't as extreme so my meds are working okay. I was just scared because it was such and extreme change..

Maybe you could post your poems under "exercise" - as in exercising our brains? Or better yet, maybe we should suggest a coping techniques category.

I'm glad you are adjusting and I would like to "hear" some of your poetry. I don't do poetry, but writing is definitely part of my treatment plan.

K

Did you ever iron out whether you were just feeling more normal or actually dull (emotionally). My family says I don't react much anymore emotionally. Sometimes i wonder if I just have an ON switch and an OFF switch and nothing in between.

I did actually. It seems that I'm just feeling more normal. It took a while to settle down to the idea of not feeling as much. During that time I didn't recognize the feelings that I was having because I expected more. However, since I've started on the Tegratol and all this change happened I've had happy times and sad times that weren't moods, just emotional reactions to stuff. They still feel like only about a tenth of what I used to feel but at least now I can tell I'm feeling them.

Ive always said i just live "passionately" but now i feel like I don't. I now NEED sleep, which is extremely irritating when you think about it. My moods are not quite in balance I don't think, and sometimes I feel like giving up on trying because its been over 20 years for me dealing with mental illness.

CAhulaw2007. I have been dealing with this illness thing --officially diagnosed that is for 10 years--and now, with the BP II dx--I can look back and see symptoms since early adolescence. I honestly don't know if its better to understand WHY certain things in my life went how they did or not. Either way its a discouraging amount of time and sometimes I also wonder why I keep trying.
But every once in a while I get a brief glimpse of something out there that almost seems like serenity--not up, not down, not under or over emotional and not tired (the frustration /irritation and fatigue are my two current WORST things) but just kind of being. i guess thats what keeps me going, that and the amount of support I get from my husband and good friends.

The other thing I sometimes remind myself of is our issues are not the only bad health issues people deal with--the whole of humanity is in this boat with us, they are just in different compartments--helps me avoid the "why me" syndrome.

I'm having a problem that I don't think anyone not BP can understand or appreciate. My husband tries but I can tell he doesn't really get it.
My mom called me today and told me that there's a strong possibility that she has lung cancer. There is a shadow on her x-ray that the radiologist doesn't like the looks of. She still needs further testing to be certain but she smoked 3 packs a day for over twenty years so chances are high.
The problem is this... I don't feel anything about it. I'm not scared for her or concerned even. I am a bit afraid for what it would do to my dad but I'm kind of numb about my mom and it's driving me crazy. If it was me with a shadow on my x-ray I'd be scared to death as I'm sure she is. So why can't I feel compassion for her? I'm usually a sympathetic kind of person.
My husband thinks it's because she and I don't have the best of relationships but if that's the reason that bothers me too. Am I so petty as to hold past fights against her now? I hope it's a BP problem because I'm a bit depressive this week. If not... I don't know what to do,

I've found that I care less about things being on medication. I blame the medications for my inability to get emotional. Ill still cry when very depressed, but I have to force myself to get emotionally involved in what my kids are saying to me. It makes me feel like a badmother. I think I understand where youre coming from but I dontknow if its the bp or the medication.

Mooky: I honestly would not stress out over your reaction to your Mum's bad news.
First off, until they do a biopsy, they don't know for sure what they are dealing with so premature excessive reaction doesn't really help. Granted, it feels 'normal' but it doesn't help

Second, your reaction may or may not be related to your illness. When I worked in health care, many of the family members---and patients too--reacted to bad news with numbness or denial---these reactions are NORMAL.

Third, what really counts, assuming the worst , is what you do and say for your mum, not what you are or are not feeling about the situation. I can tell by your postings on this board that you are indeed, a compassionate person. I am certain that compassion will inform your actions.

If there is indeed a serious illness situation with your mum and you continue to think your BP issues are interferring with your reaction to it, well a really good therapist might help. I went thru the deaths of all my parents, mine and my in-laws(with whom I was very close) before I knew how much help a therapist could be. If I had to do it again, I would be banging on my therapist's door ASAP.

I hope for the best for you and your mum.

Thanks Lizabeth.
I appreciate your kind words and understanding. I will keep my fingers crossed that everything is okay with her and try to be as supportive of her as I can even if I feel numb.
As for a therapist, I have a good one. True we're in a bit of an awkward stage right now but I'm sure she and I can get through this together.
With the help and understanding of all of you here I actually feel more like Moodtracker forums should be listed as a PDOC for me.
You guys are great. thanks a million and I'll let you all know how mum is doing when I get any news.

Mooky

Well I guess crossed fingers don't count for much any more.
I got a call from my sister today with real bad news.
Mum has two large spots of cancer in her lungs and it's moved to her adrenal gland and liver. Docs say she only has weeks to live.
I cried when I heard that then went numb again. I'm not sure if that's normal but that's what I'm doing so I guess it will have to do.
I'll do my best to be supportive of her and my dad.