Not Really bipolar?

Does anyone here ever convince themselves that they are not really bipolar and are just on medication due to some horrible chance of fate? I find msyelf thinking this a lot. I know in my intellect that my past is riddled with a parade of horribles. However, I keep feeling ike there was some horribly wrong communication made or soemthing done which made me accidentally get diagnosed with this. I have been a diagnosed bipolar person for 10 years. OMG - thats a long time. Before that i was diagnosed with depression since my first hospitalization at age 15. But even then the doctor gave me stelazine (back in the day it was used more - its an antipsychotic) and tried once to give me lithium. I wish now I knew what that doctor was thinking...

Although all I was told was bipolar originally, now that I have done the research I know that I was merely cyclothymic. The many wrong meds that i have been on though have apparently permanently eltrered my brain chemistry. I do fit somewhere on the bipolar spectrum but I wish that doctors would have looked at the whole picture and not immediately pulled out the big guns.

I encourage you to check out

www.psycom.net/depression.cent...

and discuss it with your pdoc. It also contains an e-mail address of the pdoc and he quickly responded to me. He offered to consult with my family doctor over my case.

K

I guess I don't know what I feel like I am. Sometimes I wonder if its all the medications over the years that have given me the problems. It all gets so confused and muddled in my mind sometimes. I read the majority of the article and it seems good, but I just don't truly know who I am or where I fall anymore. Its like I HAVE to depend on the doctors to tell me and that is ridiculous. I get so weird and crazy sometimes. Last week i wrote my psychiatrist a four page single spaced letter detailing why I shouldn't be on medication - and it was the most crazy-weird thing I've written. Well, maybe not. Anyway, is it not difficult sometimes to understand yourself?

I can't go back and undo the fact of the many hospitalizations, I can't undo the losing touch with reality thing, I can't undo the damage I have caused in my lifetime adn the difficulty i still give my family. But even given these facts I still think maybe they were wrong and I'm just fine. I almost just pray for a time where I can say I'm just fine. Its all so confused.

Do you journal? It has really helped me understand the difference between my mood disorder thoughts and my real thoughts. I write about my thoughts and feelings on good days, bad days and "normal" days. I read what I have written in the past to see how my thinking changes and can get twisted and distorted.

K

I probably should do that - its a good suggestion...

sorry to intrude but my mania its not so bad and I dont jorunal but I have a site on the internet and its soooo clear to me now when i was manic because of my pictures and my postings, I have got a tatoo and I have done a lot of wilds things duing my hypomanic fase which I just though I was being free and having so much fun. O well a leat I didnt hurt anyone emotinally.

sorry to intrude but my mania its not so bad and I dont jorunal but I have a site on the internet and its soooo clear to me now when i was manic because of my pictures and my postings, I have got a tatoo and I have done a lot of wilds things duing my hypomanic fase which I just though I was being free and having so much fun. O well a leat I didnt hurt anyone emotinally.

Crissty,

You're not intruding. We're all here to help each other. Glad you're feeling better today.

K

I think, at one time or another, all of those of us who struggle with these illness either Depression or Bipolar believe it isn't real. There has been some mistake made, a miscommunication with a doctor, we haven't tried hard enough, theres a brain tumor they haven't found. And on and on the lists go.

Denial is a powerful thing--and as they say, so much more than a river in Egypt.

I have been in treatment off and on (mostly on) for the past 10 years, first Unipolar Depression and now we've decided its Bipolar Two. I have medical training (former RN), I know the biological basis of the illness and I know its just as physical a chemical imbalance as say, diabetes. And I STILL catch myself thinking, "Well, if I just tried harder or controlled my thoughts better everything would be fine"

Every person I ever worked with who had a chronic illness had some degree of denial at times, I think everyone wants to be the elusive normal. But I think our group fights the diagnosis(es) and especially the medications harder than any other. We use up a lot of energy on it. I know there is a social stigma about mental illness (and I hate that term--maybe we should have a contest to come up with a new one) but I think all the denial makes a bad illness worse.

Anyway, jumping off of soapbox now.

Thank you for that reply. Its like Iknow the diagnosis is correct - its as if they looked at me and wrote the Bipolar I mixed definition. But I still fight against it. I have been diagnosed for 10 years, and before that spent about 13 years with the depression label and given an antidepressant, which would seem to work for a short time and then I'd be off the charts again. It was a relief at first to get to name this thing that almost devastated my entire life.I mean I left my husband, had an almost affair (not quite - long story) came out as gay, bounced check constantly because I was convinced money was there, was int he hospital for psychosis, and the list goes on. yet I, of all people, tell myself its justnot me. I remember the last time i sat in a "group" I thought I had nothing in common with "those" people. Like I am somehow better than they are. I don't know how to get off this pity train. I am a successful lawyer now, I have a lot to be proud of that I have accomplished despite my bipolar. But I still just keep feeling like this. I still have mood swings, although not as bad. My partner said maybe I need a support group, but that scares me, as I worry it willonly make me worse because it will make me think about and ave to face the illness. While now I take medication but other than that can sometimes pretend its not me. If I join a group I can't do that anymore. Anyway, thank you for your reply, it hit the nail on the head. I also started journaling using this site...

There was times that I was only diagnosed depressed that I gave up on my meds, righ before I got rpegnant I was on cymbalta and I was mildly depressed and my life was resumed on eating and sleeping, I was very lazzy, I wasnt unpappy but I was not happy either,m none of the anti depressents ever worked for me so I decided to stop and Ll the axiety and panic and OCd came back flying. When I decided to go back to the doctor again I found out I was pregnant and theose 9 months were sooooo hard. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my teen years were I dould get depressed or agited but it would go away with good news or a party or just anything , it wa realy simply to make me happy back them, sometime along the years something broke inside of me. why did I have to get sick, why???? The diagnosis is still new to me so its still breaking me apart. i feel so depressed, I cried 2 times today already and I feel ike I'm mever be able to be myself again. I use to be full of energy and always positive, that girl died sometime ago and I cannot find her inside of me anymoro, so sad.

Sometimes I think it might not be true, especially if I go through a period of time when I'm feeling better. But then I think back to the bad times, the hospitalizations, some things I've done, and it's obvious to me that it is true because there's absolutely no other explanation for it. At times I think maybe it's just depression and the bipolar diagnosis was wrong, but then I have no way to explain the times when I've been wide awake without any sleep for days and racing thoughts, etc. As much as it sucks, maybe try to focus on anything positive you can get out of the situation rather than seeing it as something negative (I know it's close to impossible). For instance, while I have lost some friends as a result of this mess, I've also learned who my true friends are--the ones who stuck by me--and that means the world to me. Without these obstacles, I would not have gotten as close to some of these people as I have. I was on track to be an English major in college, but switched to Social Work and I'm grateful I did--I never would have made that switch without these personal experiences (though many of them weren't exactly fun). Anyway, just a thought.

I too have had amazing people support me, especially my partner who literally forced me into compliance and treatment. Sometimes I feel like the chaos I created was some other person doing it. But I know it was me - just me. Im glad Im not alone in feeling like this...

For me it seems like as soon as I heard of mental illness I had one. Looking back through my childhood it was obvious that I was bipolar even at age ten but it was just put down to childhood moodiness. I wrote poems that would have Poe crying and cried my eyes out because the flower on my dress was the wrong color red or played the piano for hours non stop on the same song because I just couldn't stop. I have four siblings so you would have thought that my mom or dad would have caught on to the fact that my moods were WAY too out of control but oh well. They don't believe in BP anyway so it wouldn't have helped. To them it is all a matter of me just wanting attention or making excuses for wanting to just lay in bed for a week at a time. I must admit that sometimes I really do try to convince myself that my folks are right. It's much easier to think of myself as just lazy than bipolar one.
I do long for the day why I was just having a bad day though, not entering a depressive stage. Or feeling like having fun instead of going hypermanic and freaking out.

That struck a chord. I long for those days too.

My family was NOT supportive when I was first hospitalized at age 15. My father threw my pills down the sink. So I was in therapy but only barely on and off medications because my parents did not "believe in" them. When I graduated from law school in 2007, my mom misted up and for the first time said "you have done well in spite of us" and indicated that she was so sorry for putting me through so much and not helping me when I needed it as a teenager. I am 38 now, but I'll always remeber mom saying that. She now supports me taking medication. Even my sister, she took a course in Psychology in college a couple years ago and for the first time had a talk with me about bipolar, because, of course, she knows I have it. It was weird explaining to her what its like for me. But I think her being educated on the subject is helpful for me.

I am super afraid of anyone finding out though. Im a lawyer and it just would not look good. However I had to have a 10 year background check for my government position and I was honest and told them everything and I still got the job. I also told everything to the Bar Examining Committee of New York and they still admitted me. So you can definitely be successful with bipolar, if you get good treatment and take the medications. I, however, hate my medications - more like a love-hate thing.

cristty25: on reading your post I thought I should mention something my therapist said when I made a similar "I'm lazy because I start things and don't finish them" She said that sometimes the illness itself and sometimes the ADs (especiallySSRIs) can cause this. People think its a character flaw, but its really the illness.

I know she is right, because now that I have a correct diagnosis and am starting some correct treatment I am getting more stuff done that I have in years. Even my husband has commented on it. Now all I have to do is not get caught up in the blame game over the number of UFO (unfinished objects) related to assorted craft and hobby projects I am organizing thru.

I getinto a work frenzy and get a lot done and then get into a funk and don't get a thing done. In the end it always works out but I wish I didn't work like a roller coaster ride.

I think I'm the queen of unfinished projects (or at least in the royal family). As I've written before I'm a writer. Lol. Right. I'm more like a hypo manic typer. I've been writing books for a little under 3 years and just recently counted up how much I had actually gotten done. 4 books complete, 7 at least over 20 chapters and 11 started but not far enough in to them to see the plot line. Every time I hit a new hypo manic phase I start another one. Then when I come down from it I work at trying to edit what I have or just try to figure out what the heck I was writing about. Sometimes my mind wanders so much I change plots in mid sentence. The only reason I got 4 done is that that phase lasted for a little over a year.

I got into some kind of manic state about a year ago and my dr wanted me to check myself in to the hospital for a few days, but I refused. I took two days off work and took a lot of risperdal (under her orders) and I started to calm down. But then it was harder to regulate me, and before I got down fromit I had already signed a 7500 loan at 25% interest, and started writing a book - and I got about 10,000 words into it. Im a lawyer, I write legal briefs - Im not a book writer, yet I convinced myself I could write a book and spent hours on it. It is still sitting here inmy laptop. At least you have an excuse if you start writing a book - you are supposed to be writing books. :-)

Lizabeth
yes I habe started a million things this year and have nto finished anhtihting. I not sure I mention but I habve a 9 month old baby and I was not even able to make hso baby book and oraganize his baby pictures :(
My work is a mess and really unproductive
my boss asked what was wrong with me today
I started on seroquel tonigh to see if I can calm down, my doctor wants me to take 2 weeks of medical leave and go somewhere where I can have a stable atmosphere, she sugested I go see my mom in Brazil and take my baby with me or check myself in the hospital. Not sure what to do
I'm going crazy my moods are really bad, and I have been crying a lot and not sleeping. thanks for the words again this site is helping a lot

Lizabeth
yes I habe started a million things this year and have nto finished anhtihting. I not sure I mention but I habve a 9 month old baby and I was not even able to make hso baby book and oraganize his baby pictures :(
My work is a mess and really unproductive
my boss asked what was wrong with me today
I started on seroquel tonigh to see if I can calm down, my doctor wants me to take 2 weeks of medical leave and go somewhere where I can have a stable atmosphere, she sugested I go see my mom in Brazil and take my baby with me or check myself in the hospital. Not sure what to do
I'm going crazy my moods are really bad, and I have been crying a lot and not sleeping. thanks for the words again this site is helping a lot

On the suggestion of my PDOC I got a book called Bipolar Survival Guide. WOW! it actually make sense and talks in plain enough English that I don't get lost. In it it goes into why we try hard to convince ourselves we aren't really ill. Everything from social stigma to feeling like we're just making it all up for attention. Why we tend to try to go off our meds and how to help ourselves when we spot an episode starting. It talks about the medications used and how and why they are thought to work as well as many other things about Bipolar that have been very confusing for me. I've only gotten almost half way through the book but it sure has cleared up a lot for me. I highly recommend at least the first half of the book. I'll let you know about the rest when I read it. It can be found at Amazon.com or any large book store.

P.S. Sorry if that sounds like a commercial.

I'm going to look into it...

Mooky: i check that Bipolar Survival Guide out of the library, but I think it must have been a out of date edition--some of the med stuff was way out of date so it lost me. (Thats just a quirke of mine because of the nurse thing--i can't stand out of date info on meds) Maybe I'll try getting an up to date copy at the bookstore.
cristty25--My therapist gets very vehement about the illness/meds being the cause of starting and not finishing things and says I should go easy on myself about it. Funny, I get a lot more done now, both with the correct treatment/dx and when I manage to follow her advice. The instant I start getting down on myself about my UFOs, my creativity goes out the window and nothing is done. I guess negative energy is bad for the little creative buds.
I am having crying jags too, they say its because of the med changes, but I wonder if some unresolved issues are sneaking out of my subconcious--at least I have a good therpist to talk with about it now. I think you are doing well just being able to cope with having a job. I don't think I could handle the getting up at a certain time and getting to work thing right now. I have enough trouble with insomnia as it is.

I am in awe of people who can actually plan to write books--I wouldn't know where to start that one.

I
m bareally functioning at work, not sure how much longer I can take it, I have i new boss and she is picking one me already, it has been so nard to cope, I slept for the last couple days, but its a very agitated sleep I wake up tired and weird and sad, this moring was better but now I;m back to being depressved and on a mix mood with lots os axiety and depression mixed together. I can sit still and I dont know what to do with myself. I hope I can get better, my period is late 2 days, I guess my PMS is also contribuiting with me being this way, Anyway, i just wish I could sleep away all my pain. :(

Cristty,

I really think you should take your doctor's advice and take at least a 2 week FMLA leave. With all the stress you're under, I'm really afraid you might have a major episode and better to take a leave of absence now then end up in a hospital for a few weeks away from your baby. You're brain needs a little time for the meds to start working well.

And about the UFOs. I use daily checklists to keep myself focused and on track. I print out 2 weeks worth at a time and re-evaluate my daily, weekly and monthly goals every 2 weeks. I still have good days and bad days but I feel more productive and it makes me feel good even if I can check off just 1 thing on a bad day.

K

K

if I dont get better untill Monday I think I will do it, I'm affraid of hainv a major episode specially cause i never had one, doctor things I need a peacefull place where I can get stability, my fiance is bipolar too and he is very unstable right now, he is also an ancaholic and he is drivin g me nuts, he doesnt like to talk about meds and the diasesed at all. His doctor started him on lamecatl but he still on lexapro and remeron, and its going to take forever untill ge gets stable and he is so agressive to me. he has been sober for about a month now. My doctor wanst me to go see my family where I can get some love and peace and take my baby with me I don't truste the baby with him. I got home from work one day and he was playing with the baby all drunk :( Doctor thinks he worsten my symtons because I'm under a lot of stress, she said its a miracle that I'm still functioning. he said if I dont go away he will have to hospitalize me. because no drugs will do a miracle. I'm so desperate to get better.

cristty25 Please, please follow your doctor's advice, it sounds like he/she has nailed it for you. Its better to loose a few weeks of your life to a vacation or hospitalization (whichever works best for you) than to loose the whole of your life to an illness. Remember, you have an illness. If you had diabetes and your doctor said, "We will need to hospitalize you for a while because your blood sugar is so out of whack we need to monitor it more closely" would you hesitate to take his advice.

If you had Multiple Sclerosis and they said "You need to take a break so you have a remission of your nerve damage' would you argue with them?

We have chemical brain imbalances, just as physical of a problem and not something that ignoring it or having "willpower" over will make go away. Please take care of yourself just as you would if you had any other illness. Be better soon and let us know how it goes.

cristty25 = hope you are doing better and hope you took the advice to take a break from everything in some way. I was just checking in...

-Kim

I'm in Brazil no, forced to take LOA cause my gradmother passed away, I feel better even though the circunstances are not ideal I feel much better then home, I think my meds started to work, fiancee went to rehab 4 days after I left, started to driking again the day I left and missed work 3 days in a role, babysitter got worried and called his father. I'm glad I was not there, he will be out for 28 days and I want him out of the house once he is out of rehab maybe when he prove to me than he can take care of himself I can take hi back. Getting a bit manic it 5am and I cannot sleep. at least I fell happy again. How are u guys?

cristty,

I'm so glad you are taking LOA. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother though. I hope your fiancee gets the help he needs but I agree that he should prove himself for awhile before you let him back into your home. For your child's sake you really need to be able to focus on your own health for awhile.

K