That
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March 5, 2009 - 9:22 pm
Sorry I keep starting new topics. I don't mean to be a spot light hog, really.
Jules: You suggested a while ago that the feelings I had that someone that wasn't there was crowding in on me were anxiety. That may be true but I really got to looking at them today. (It was full of those feelings). I noticed that what seemed to be pushing in on me was my past. The hurts and fears, the lies I've told and friends I've scared away. The only reason I noticed it today and not all the other days is because I had been trying to remember the name of a friend of mine then suddenly felt that feeling and remembered that she'd dumped me as a friend when she'd caught me in a lie. (It was a doozy and cost me a lot of friends and a lot of tears.)
I think it's actually guilt I'm trying to push away. I do get anxious when I think of the things I've done wrong in my life and I've frequently been called a guilt sponge. I take in guilt even if it isn't mine to take.
I just thought I'd explain that I'd finally figured out what was going on.
Good night
Jules: You suggested a while ago that the feelings I had that someone that wasn't there was crowding in on me were anxiety. That may be true but I really got to looking at them today. (It was full of those feelings). I noticed that what seemed to be pushing in on me was my past. The hurts and fears, the lies I've told and friends I've scared away. The only reason I noticed it today and not all the other days is because I had been trying to remember the name of a friend of mine then suddenly felt that feeling and remembered that she'd dumped me as a friend when she'd caught me in a lie. (It was a doozy and cost me a lot of friends and a lot of tears.)
I think it's actually guilt I'm trying to push away. I do get anxious when I think of the things I've done wrong in my life and I've frequently been called a guilt sponge. I take in guilt even if it isn't mine to take.
I just thought I'd explain that I'd finally figured out what was going on.
Good night
Medications for March 2009
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If everyone sings the same note there can be no harmony.
Sorry I keep starting new topics. I don't mean to be a spot light hog, really.
Jules: You suggested a while ago that the feelings I had that someone that wasn't there was crowding in on me were anxiety. That may be true but I really got to looking at them today. (It was full of those feelings). I noticed that what seemed to be pushing in on me was my past. The hurts and fears, the lies I've told and friends I've scared away. The only reason I noticed it today and not all the other days is because I had been trying to remember the name of a friend of mine then suddenly felt that feeling and remembered that she'd dumped me as a friend when she'd caught me in a lie. (It was a doozy and cost me a lot of friends and a lot of tears.)
I think it's actually guilt I'm trying to push away. I do get anxious when I think of the things I've done wrong in my life and I've frequently been called a guilt sponge. I take in guilt even if it isn't mine to take.
I just thought I'd explain that I'd finally figured out what was going on.
Good night
Jules: You suggested a while ago that the feelings I had that someone that wasn't there was crowding in on me were anxiety. That may be true but I really got to looking at them today. (It was full of those feelings). I noticed that what seemed to be pushing in on me was my past. The hurts and fears, the lies I've told and friends I've scared away. The only reason I noticed it today and not all the other days is because I had been trying to remember the name of a friend of mine then suddenly felt that feeling and remembered that she'd dumped me as a friend when she'd caught me in a lie. (It was a doozy and cost me a lot of friends and a lot of tears.)
I think it's actually guilt I'm trying to push away. I do get anxious when I think of the things I've done wrong in my life and I've frequently been called a guilt sponge. I take in guilt even if it isn't mine to take.
I just thought I'd explain that I'd finally figured out what was going on.
Good night
Medications for March 2009
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If everyone sings the same note there can be no harmony.
March 5, 2009 - 9:25 pm
Total Posts: 203
Joined: 01-27-2009
Joined: 01-27-2009
Sorry for the subject title. What I wrote was That "Don't touch me!" feeling but I guess quote marks don't work.
If everyone sings the same note there can be no harmony.
Sorry for the subject title. What I wrote was That "Don't touch me!" feeling but I guess quote marks don't work.
If everyone sings the same note there can be no harmony.
March 6, 2009 - 10:46 am
Total Posts: 55
Joined: 03-02-2009
Joined: 03-02-2009
Ive been caught in several lies myself. I don't understand it. Ilie to protect msyelf I think , but it always backfires on me. And if I dont get caught right away, I feel horrible guilt. If I do get caught I worry that Ill be abandoned. I just cant have it both ways. Maybe UI'm afriad that noone woudllike the real me, so I keep me hidden and lie to give this fake impression of my inherent good ness - which I don't actually have. Weird. Im actually in a very good mood today, but that sounded very depressing.
Anyway, Mooky, I think I understand to some extent anyway...
Anyway, Mooky, I think I understand to some extent anyway...
Medications for March 2009
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Ive been caught in several lies myself. I don't understand it. Ilie to protect msyelf I think , but it always backfires on me. And if I dont get caught right away, I feel horrible guilt. If I do get caught I worry that Ill be abandoned. I just cant have it both ways. Maybe UI'm afriad that noone woudllike the real me, so I keep me hidden and lie to give this fake impression of my inherent good ness - which I don't actually have. Weird. Im actually in a very good mood today, but that sounded very depressing.
Anyway, Mooky, I think I understand to some extent anyway...
Anyway, Mooky, I think I understand to some extent anyway...
Medications for March 2009
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March 6, 2009 - 5:02 pm
Total Posts: 265
Joined: 08-30-2008
Joined: 08-30-2008
I wonder if it is just another common aspect to the disorder. I have had bipolar symptoms since I was a toddler and I also have had a major guilt complex. I feel like ALL mistakes are somehow my fault and get very angry at myself not at other people who might actually be the responsible ones.
K.
K.
(Psalm 94:19) . . .When my disquieting thoughts became many inside of me, Your own consolations began to fondle my soul.
I wonder if it is just another common aspect to the disorder. I have had bipolar symptoms since I was a toddler and I also have had a major guilt complex. I feel like ALL mistakes are somehow my fault and get very angry at myself not at other people who might actually be the responsible ones.
K.
K.
(Psalm 94:19) . . .When my disquieting thoughts became many inside of me, Your own consolations began to fondle my soul.
March 6, 2009 - 9:55 pm
Total Posts: 203
Joined: 01-27-2009
Joined: 01-27-2009
CAhulaw
My lie was because I didn't think anyone would like me too. I figured I was too boring to be even noticed let alone liked so I made myself more interesting.
In the end I actually came out and told my friend that I had lied. I just couldn't stand the guilt any more. She tried to understand but in the end it just put too much strain on the relationship. So even though I came clean it's still hanging on my back making me freak out.
My lie was because I didn't think anyone would like me too. I figured I was too boring to be even noticed let alone liked so I made myself more interesting.
In the end I actually came out and told my friend that I had lied. I just couldn't stand the guilt any more. She tried to understand but in the end it just put too much strain on the relationship. So even though I came clean it's still hanging on my back making me freak out.
CAhulaw
My lie was because I didn't think anyone would like me too. I figured I was too boring to be even noticed let alone liked so I made myself more interesting.
In the end I actually came out and told my friend that I had lied. I just couldn't stand the guilt any more. She tried to understand but in the end it just put too much strain on the relationship. So even though I came clean it's still hanging on my back making me freak out.
My lie was because I didn't think anyone would like me too. I figured I was too boring to be even noticed let alone liked so I made myself more interesting.
In the end I actually came out and told my friend that I had lied. I just couldn't stand the guilt any more. She tried to understand but in the end it just put too much strain on the relationship. So even though I came clean it's still hanging on my back making me freak out.
March 9, 2009 - 9:04 am
Total Posts: 133
Joined: 10-30-2007
Joined: 10-30-2007
Hi Mooks... I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I haven't been monitoring the group much in the last several days.
Guilt is a very powerful emotion. It is one that we all experience. One of the interesting things about guilt and our disorder is that we seems to get it in SPADES, and it is often not rational. There is nothing rational about freaking out over old guilt that you've already come clean about. It serves no purpose. It doesn't fix anything, and it certainly doesn't make anything better.
Sometime we think if we remain guilty long enough, if we don't let ourselves off the hook, then we can punish ourselves "enough" to atone for our "sins." Well.... excuse me.... but if guilt were the appropriate atonement for sins, wouldn't we be walking around feeling guilty ALL the time for one reason or another. I mean a week (sometimes a day) doesn't go by that I don't screw up or say something stupid and hurt some body's feelings or something like that. And.... in my disease, I used to lie... A LOT. I used to create parts of myself to feel better about myself. So.... you tell me... how is feeling guilty going to help me fix that? It's not. It's not rational. I can only fix my lies by looking the square in the face... not by feeling guilty and afraid.
That's leaves our disease as responsible. If you could see the amazing brain scans of people who are depressed vs. people who are not depressed, you would be amazed. People who are depressed have very "bright" indicators in the region of their brains that scientists have identified as negative thought areas.... and very "dim" indicators in the region of their brains where positive thoughts occur. It's amazing. When we're depressed, our negative thoughts are literally in HIGH GEAR. And the sad thing about it, is that the positive thoughts that we generally use to counteract them are almost asleep... they're dimmed by the disease.
So, the panic that you feel by your guilt has a physiological basis.... because it is certainly not logical. I think you could agree with me that it is not logical to feel SOOOOO guilty about a lie that you told so long ago. You're already had your consequences for that lie. You lost a relationship. I think you've been punished enough.
One more thing about guilt. Guilt is always rooted in fear. Guilt causes a fight or flight response in us. I know that when I am hit with a wall of guilt, it is a physical feeling... like a "pop" that I feel all over my body. I truly believe that this sensation is my adrenaline getting my body ready for fight or flight. What am I afraid of when I feel guilty? Well.... you name it... getting caught.... being exposed.... being judged.... having people know how terrible I really am.... the list goes on and on. But, it's enough to make my heart race and my respiration increase.
I hope this makes sense... and I hope it helps a little!
Be well,
Jules
Guilt is a very powerful emotion. It is one that we all experience. One of the interesting things about guilt and our disorder is that we seems to get it in SPADES, and it is often not rational. There is nothing rational about freaking out over old guilt that you've already come clean about. It serves no purpose. It doesn't fix anything, and it certainly doesn't make anything better.
Sometime we think if we remain guilty long enough, if we don't let ourselves off the hook, then we can punish ourselves "enough" to atone for our "sins." Well.... excuse me.... but if guilt were the appropriate atonement for sins, wouldn't we be walking around feeling guilty ALL the time for one reason or another. I mean a week (sometimes a day) doesn't go by that I don't screw up or say something stupid and hurt some body's feelings or something like that. And.... in my disease, I used to lie... A LOT. I used to create parts of myself to feel better about myself. So.... you tell me... how is feeling guilty going to help me fix that? It's not. It's not rational. I can only fix my lies by looking the square in the face... not by feeling guilty and afraid.
That's leaves our disease as responsible. If you could see the amazing brain scans of people who are depressed vs. people who are not depressed, you would be amazed. People who are depressed have very "bright" indicators in the region of their brains that scientists have identified as negative thought areas.... and very "dim" indicators in the region of their brains where positive thoughts occur. It's amazing. When we're depressed, our negative thoughts are literally in HIGH GEAR. And the sad thing about it, is that the positive thoughts that we generally use to counteract them are almost asleep... they're dimmed by the disease.
So, the panic that you feel by your guilt has a physiological basis.... because it is certainly not logical. I think you could agree with me that it is not logical to feel SOOOOO guilty about a lie that you told so long ago. You're already had your consequences for that lie. You lost a relationship. I think you've been punished enough.
One more thing about guilt. Guilt is always rooted in fear. Guilt causes a fight or flight response in us. I know that when I am hit with a wall of guilt, it is a physical feeling... like a "pop" that I feel all over my body. I truly believe that this sensation is my adrenaline getting my body ready for fight or flight. What am I afraid of when I feel guilty? Well.... you name it... getting caught.... being exposed.... being judged.... having people know how terrible I really am.... the list goes on and on. But, it's enough to make my heart race and my respiration increase.
I hope this makes sense... and I hope it helps a little!
Be well,
Jules
Hi Mooks... I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I haven't been monitoring the group much in the last several days.
Guilt is a very powerful emotion. It is one that we all experience. One of the interesting things about guilt and our disorder is that we seems to get it in SPADES, and it is often not rational. There is nothing rational about freaking out over old guilt that you've already come clean about. It serves no purpose. It doesn't fix anything, and it certainly doesn't make anything better.
Sometime we think if we remain guilty long enough, if we don't let ourselves off the hook, then we can punish ourselves "enough" to atone for our "sins." Well.... excuse me.... but if guilt were the appropriate atonement for sins, wouldn't we be walking around feeling guilty ALL the time for one reason or another. I mean a week (sometimes a day) doesn't go by that I don't screw up or say something stupid and hurt some body's feelings or something like that. And.... in my disease, I used to lie... A LOT. I used to create parts of myself to feel better about myself. So.... you tell me... how is feeling guilty going to help me fix that? It's not. It's not rational. I can only fix my lies by looking the square in the face... not by feeling guilty and afraid.
That's leaves our disease as responsible. If you could see the amazing brain scans of people who are depressed vs. people who are not depressed, you would be amazed. People who are depressed have very "bright" indicators in the region of their brains that scientists have identified as negative thought areas.... and very "dim" indicators in the region of their brains where positive thoughts occur. It's amazing. When we're depressed, our negative thoughts are literally in HIGH GEAR. And the sad thing about it, is that the positive thoughts that we generally use to counteract them are almost asleep... they're dimmed by the disease.
So, the panic that you feel by your guilt has a physiological basis.... because it is certainly not logical. I think you could agree with me that it is not logical to feel SOOOOO guilty about a lie that you told so long ago. You're already had your consequences for that lie. You lost a relationship. I think you've been punished enough.
One more thing about guilt. Guilt is always rooted in fear. Guilt causes a fight or flight response in us. I know that when I am hit with a wall of guilt, it is a physical feeling... like a "pop" that I feel all over my body. I truly believe that this sensation is my adrenaline getting my body ready for fight or flight. What am I afraid of when I feel guilty? Well.... you name it... getting caught.... being exposed.... being judged.... having people know how terrible I really am.... the list goes on and on. But, it's enough to make my heart race and my respiration increase.
I hope this makes sense... and I hope it helps a little!
Be well,
Jules
Guilt is a very powerful emotion. It is one that we all experience. One of the interesting things about guilt and our disorder is that we seems to get it in SPADES, and it is often not rational. There is nothing rational about freaking out over old guilt that you've already come clean about. It serves no purpose. It doesn't fix anything, and it certainly doesn't make anything better.
Sometime we think if we remain guilty long enough, if we don't let ourselves off the hook, then we can punish ourselves "enough" to atone for our "sins." Well.... excuse me.... but if guilt were the appropriate atonement for sins, wouldn't we be walking around feeling guilty ALL the time for one reason or another. I mean a week (sometimes a day) doesn't go by that I don't screw up or say something stupid and hurt some body's feelings or something like that. And.... in my disease, I used to lie... A LOT. I used to create parts of myself to feel better about myself. So.... you tell me... how is feeling guilty going to help me fix that? It's not. It's not rational. I can only fix my lies by looking the square in the face... not by feeling guilty and afraid.
That's leaves our disease as responsible. If you could see the amazing brain scans of people who are depressed vs. people who are not depressed, you would be amazed. People who are depressed have very "bright" indicators in the region of their brains that scientists have identified as negative thought areas.... and very "dim" indicators in the region of their brains where positive thoughts occur. It's amazing. When we're depressed, our negative thoughts are literally in HIGH GEAR. And the sad thing about it, is that the positive thoughts that we generally use to counteract them are almost asleep... they're dimmed by the disease.
So, the panic that you feel by your guilt has a physiological basis.... because it is certainly not logical. I think you could agree with me that it is not logical to feel SOOOOO guilty about a lie that you told so long ago. You're already had your consequences for that lie. You lost a relationship. I think you've been punished enough.
One more thing about guilt. Guilt is always rooted in fear. Guilt causes a fight or flight response in us. I know that when I am hit with a wall of guilt, it is a physical feeling... like a "pop" that I feel all over my body. I truly believe that this sensation is my adrenaline getting my body ready for fight or flight. What am I afraid of when I feel guilty? Well.... you name it... getting caught.... being exposed.... being judged.... having people know how terrible I really am.... the list goes on and on. But, it's enough to make my heart race and my respiration increase.
I hope this makes sense... and I hope it helps a little!
Be well,
Jules
March 9, 2009 - 5:11 pm
Total Posts: 55
Joined: 03-02-2009
Joined: 03-02-2009
Mooky,
I guess its hard to understand, not knowing the details. But from my own experience, I have had lies bite me in the ass too. It sounds like you are really letting this eat you up inside and I hope you can find some peace with yourself. I wish I had something wise to say, but I don't. In the past I have spent money I was not supposed to spend and then lied about it and then got found out. My partner - I am lucky shenever left me over all the crap I've pulled. I do still feel guilty but fall into the same patterns over and over again. I do better now not lying to her, because i trust her not to leave me where beofre i couldnt do that. Ah, Im rambling. I do that a lot. Anyway, Iknow other's responses have been much more helpful than mind, but I mean well and wish you well.
I guess its hard to understand, not knowing the details. But from my own experience, I have had lies bite me in the ass too. It sounds like you are really letting this eat you up inside and I hope you can find some peace with yourself. I wish I had something wise to say, but I don't. In the past I have spent money I was not supposed to spend and then lied about it and then got found out. My partner - I am lucky shenever left me over all the crap I've pulled. I do still feel guilty but fall into the same patterns over and over again. I do better now not lying to her, because i trust her not to leave me where beofre i couldnt do that. Ah, Im rambling. I do that a lot. Anyway, Iknow other's responses have been much more helpful than mind, but I mean well and wish you well.
Mooky,
I guess its hard to understand, not knowing the details. But from my own experience, I have had lies bite me in the ass too. It sounds like you are really letting this eat you up inside and I hope you can find some peace with yourself. I wish I had something wise to say, but I don't. In the past I have spent money I was not supposed to spend and then lied about it and then got found out. My partner - I am lucky shenever left me over all the crap I've pulled. I do still feel guilty but fall into the same patterns over and over again. I do better now not lying to her, because i trust her not to leave me where beofre i couldnt do that. Ah, Im rambling. I do that a lot. Anyway, Iknow other's responses have been much more helpful than mind, but I mean well and wish you well.
I guess its hard to understand, not knowing the details. But from my own experience, I have had lies bite me in the ass too. It sounds like you are really letting this eat you up inside and I hope you can find some peace with yourself. I wish I had something wise to say, but I don't. In the past I have spent money I was not supposed to spend and then lied about it and then got found out. My partner - I am lucky shenever left me over all the crap I've pulled. I do still feel guilty but fall into the same patterns over and over again. I do better now not lying to her, because i trust her not to leave me where beofre i couldnt do that. Ah, Im rambling. I do that a lot. Anyway, Iknow other's responses have been much more helpful than mind, but I mean well and wish you well.
Joined: 01-27-2009