Going Through a Rough Time

This week my T started our session late. He did the same thing last week. So now I'm worried that he's going to cut short all my sessions. He said sometimes emergencies come up, but it's strange that they come up all the time before my appointments.

So now I'm upset and depressed and irritable over this. I called my T early this morning to ask if I could see him today. He never called me back (he usually does call me back). So I figured he was either very busy, angry at me, or both. Most of this stuff I make up in my own head. I was thinking that he's punishing me for doing well by cutting short my appointments. All these crazy thoughts are going through my head. Then it accelerates and I start hating myself and wishing I were dead.

Now I have to wait until Tuesday until I see him. I'm so upset. I have to pretend to everyone that I'm okay. I don't want anyone knowing what I'm going through right now. So I have to pretend that I don't feel bad. That's the way I am. I'm just not feeling very well right now.

Bronxgirl,
You sound so much like me that I had to double check that I hadn't written it.

Emergencies do come up and it probably is a part of life that we have to learn to be flexible. I know that things have come up in my life from time to time that people have to be flexible with me, such as when I am going through a depressive time and can't seem to keep my mean mouth shut.

On the other hand, it doesn't mean that we have to allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. If he/she is regularly cutting sessions short and charging you for full sessions, that needs to be dealt with. As far as not calling you back and being angry with you, a good therapist needs to have appropriate boundaries in place and anger really shouldn't come into play. He/she may be busy, out of town, or attempting to wean you from dependence on him/her.

I am really sorry that you think it is going to be a rough weekend. I hope it won't be. I find Memorial Day Weekend to be a magical time. Some time it is very bad magic, sometimes very good magic. I hope it turns out to be a good magical time for you. Then when you see your therapist on Tuesday, you will have good things to share with him/her as well as your concerns.

Thanks Henry. He never charges me for a full session if he cuts it short. I know I am over-reacting. I got myself into a very bad place (in my head). It certainly isn't necessary to get this worked up. I need to learn to take things as they come. It's not easy for me. Thank you for your kind reply!

No problem, Bronxgirl. Responding to your entry help me with some of my own thoughts. I, too can get really caught up in my own thoughts and spin way out of control at times.

Thanks. I've been really having a difficult time. I wish it were next Tuesday already and I could talk to him.

Sometimes it helps me when I am between visits to write down what I would say as if I were having my appointment right now. When I have so much going through my head I get too tongue-tied to make any sense at my sessions. The only way at times I can communicate what is going on inside is to write it down. Maybe if this weekend is looking too long for you, you could go ahead and write it down and then read it at your session on Tuesday. Then it could help you get through the weekend and make your session more productive.

Thanks Henry! In fact, I do write stuff down. A few months ago my T suggested I keep a journal. So I've been writing every day. I bring it to him and he reads it (or most of it). Then we discuss what I wrote.

Hope you have a good weekend!

FYI - If anyone is interested - I saw my T today and everything was fine. He was not mad at me. He said he asked someone from the office to call me back, but they never did. I think that's pretty not-nice, but that's just the way some people are - they don't know how to do their jobs properly. I wonder if these people ever get called on their incompetence.

My T said that if I had not heard from him, I should have called back the next day. I was afraid to do that. But he said I should have. So I'll know better for next time.

So I had a pretty good day. I felt very relieved that he wasn't mad at me. That's the worst for me - if people are mad at me. I can't tolerate that.

Bronxgirl,
I just thought I would check in with you and find out if you made it through the weekend okay and if things went okay with your therapist today.
Henry

Yes, Henry - thank you!!!! I saw my T today and everything went well. He wasn't mad at me at all. He said he asked a staff member to call me last week but they never did. I hate incompetence in people. Anyway, he also said that when I didn't get a return call from him, he said I should have called again the next day. I told him I was afraid to. So now I know for the future.

I am glad it went well. I understand what you mean about people getting mad. It really compromises how we see ourselves, especially if we are already feeling down or anxious.