The Up's and the really Down's

I am going through a lot of really bad things and I have started self medicating with the Xanax just so that I can sleep through the "badness" going on. I am so tired of trying and things seemingly getting better only to get 2 times worse. I am not suicidal, but I just feel like there is no one that really cares because this has happened so many times and they are tired of the up and down. Don't they think I am tired too?

Self medicating is not good - see your doctor ASAP.

I don't know if you want to talk more about the "badness" maybe someone else has been where you are and can help. We are all here to help each other.

Its hard I'm having days myself lately where I'm "tired" of taking my meds but I know what happens if I don't so I push on.

We are here for support on what ever it is you are looking for support on.

Hugs
Amanda

Thank you for your response.

I am still taking my regular meds (Depakote and Lamictal), the Xanax was presribed just for occasional use because I have anxiety issues.

I have kind of figured out that I don't deal with stress at all and that is what is making me self medicate.

#1 I don't have a job due to the bi-polar and because of my age SSI only pays enough to pay the rent. So there is always stress trying to get money to pay the other bills.

#2 My son is going through whatever stage a 4 year old with a crazy mother is going through-he is throwing tantrums and is completely defiant.

#3 I have no "real" realtionships because I have isolated myself from everyone or they have just grown tired of me.

#4 My car was broken into a week before Christmas and my checkbook was stolen. I reported it, but somehow the thieves managed to write fradulent checks anyway, so my bank acct is frozen and I can't access any money (not that I had that much anyway).

#5 I recieved a speeding ticket and have to do 20 hours of community service (which I don't mind, but I need money for gas or even to ride the bus).

Basically, I really don't see any hope right now. I have been in so many "treatment" facilites that I can't count. Suicide is not an option. So what's next?

I have to wait until Monday to even see if my Pdoc will even see me and even then... what can he do?

wow. Despite your BPD you should be able to get a job, and I personally think that your family is your best bet. You may not like each other, but families always love each other. (wow that sounds cheesy) It's really good that you know WHY you're feeling 'the badness', but you should probably show your chart and this post to a mental healthcare proffesional. Also, little kids are rebellious, they like people to know that they have opinions. Try reverse psychology, or just plain confusing him. Temper-tantrums are ALWAYS a bid for attention, try walking away and congradulating him when he stops.

I'm really sorry to hear that you haven't feeling well. I think its important to some extent, to let the lows pass, by taking it as easy as possible, resting and not being too hard on yourself. I can imagine though, that must be tough with a four year old running riot in the house.

Sometimes ppl do become tired, when you're knocking on their door all the time. It's not that they don't care, it just is hard looking after ppl in our situation, and that too is understandable. How I deal with it, is I make sure I give ppl breaks in between asking for help. So yes, I do isolate myself and not tell people all the time when I'm unwell. However, that does mean I can go to them occasionally when I need to, without feeling like I'm draining them down. I also approach my friends in turn. So I'm not bothering them all at once. It seems you've already isolated yourself a while, so I think now is the time to have the confidence to ask for help and say, yeh I can go to people I've been close to, because they do care, its just they can't be there for us all the time. But since its been a while, they really won't mind, and will genuinely help.

I'm not sure who those people are in your life - friends, family or even a local charity. I'm not sure where you're based, but if you were in the UK, I could do some research about benefits to help with the money situation. But I have a feeling you're in the US. I dunno if there any other people who know about places where people with bipolar/depression long-term can go for financial assistance?

All the best, and do come back and post regularly if you feel it helps. Let us know how its going. Because we do care :)

Hi, I am a first timer. I'm not sure I should be contributing. I tell my self I am no
one., Nowhere and inconsequential .I am on 8 different drugs, 4 of them SSNRI's,.also mood stabilizers (they make my depression worse). I have panic attacks ( embarrassing at work). Through this forum I learned about Klonopin This helped alot. The thing that scares me the most is the "black hole I circle endlessly around. I'm afraid of falling in, I have treatment resistant depression My psychologist talks about ECT and how wonderful it is. So doe s. my regular physician ...Like it is the great thing in the world. My pychiatrist says there are a few options left. Electro convulsive therapy is scary to me.
My wife doesn;t like it either, I feel guilty, I don't have bad things happening in my life (knock on wood) I've a good understanding job, a wife of thirty five,years,, kids grandkidsall the good things.Iv'e done therapy for years to keep the beast at bay. BUT I am alone ,people around me don't understand.I put on my normal face and go to work, Time passes slowly in a painful way at work, but it is the same at home may as well work .I hate time Ijust sit there waiting, that's my life. I do know that people have bad things happen , somes all at once. I try and focus one one thing at a time, If thats all I can do for the day, then great. I don't know why this disease chose me, its mine to deal with,
Hope Iv'e made sense , pardon the punctuation. I a am Xanax first timer as this has affected my key board. the lettersare not straight.

Hello Amberlynn79,
I became addicted to Xanax from 1989-1992 while going through a major stressful event. Even though I would totally love to take Xanax again, I tell every doctor they must never prescribe it to me because I abused it at one time in my life. I feel deep compassion for what you are going through but I have deep concern that if you continue on the Xanax road, you will have a big battle on your hands trying to get off it. My thoughts are with you.

Hi, Thanks for the advice, my doctors all know I am a recovering addict for 23 years. No excuses, I am an addict and for once I want to feel good. It's a one way street . In really I could get high anytime. I do'nt want to lose my wife (whom is pissed,) Not to be a whiner but depression seems to be an lonely life. I practice CBT and try to set little goals very day, Thank you very much for contacting me. You are absolutely right, You know I work with some people who don't beleive depression is real, Just think I've imagined all this.It's nice to have someone care. Thanks!!!!!!!!!

Hi John,

I am a person in recovery too... 17 years, by the grace of a loving God. I fall into the category of the dually diagnosed or a person with a co-existing diagnosis; whatever terminology is most comfortable. I am an addicted person with bipolar disorder and an anxiety disorder sprinkled in there for good measure. I am also a person with morbid obesity, which is in remission through the intervention of weight loss surgery.

I joking tell people that understand: I have the trifecta of brain disorders - addiction, mood, and obesity. Thankfully, they are ALL being managed right now.

I will be honest with you, benzodiazepines (like xanax) are not great choices for those of us with addiction in our history. There are two main reasons. 1) They tend to have a short half life and therefore give the user a bit of a rush of some sort. 2) They almost always create tolerance in the patient... then the patient needs more to get the same anti-anxiety effect. This is much like old addictive behavior to many recovering addicts... needing more and more and more. It also means they have a terrible withdrawal!

Don't worry about ECT. If you're practitioners are recommending it, you should strongly consider it. Do your research. Be a geek. try to separate your emotions from your logical mind as you research. There is actually more stigma associated with the treatment than genuine risk. Those are just my two cents.

I wish you the best as you push your way through this. Congratulations on 23 sober/clean years. I put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. God is good.

Be well,
Jules

Thanks Jules,
I find it incredible that there are a lot of people who go through this stuff and are willing to share their experiences. This means very much to me . Thanks
Johnd