Sooooo Depressed

I really don't even know how to start. You guys usually see me on this forum as an upbeat, geeky, researchy kinda chick. Well.... today, I am absolutely scraping the bottom. The black hole is sucking me in and I have been sleeping so poorly I don't feel like I have the energy to fight it. I am irritable, sad, lethargic, unmotivated and struggling with dark thoughts.

I've got a lot going on... more than I feel like listing. But, I have a major medical test on Friday that I'm not looking forward to. It is invasive and it makes me sick to even think of it. It will determine whether I will require surgery or not.

It's hard to run and agency when you feel this bad, I try so hard not to allow my moods to spill out over my staff. But, I know that my moods impact my staff. I can see it their face.... because they can see it in mine. Their typically bubbly, bouncy boss just softly greets people then walks down the hall to her office and hides behind her computer. I feel terrible about that.

And here's the kicker.... I sing in a worship band, and we've been asked to do the special music at a funeral this weekend. God has to know what He's doing here.... because I'm not looking forward to rehearsing songs about this topic and be immersed in this funeral service when I'm having trouble with my own thoughts. Normally I would be honored to be a part of such a celebration of life.

I dunno... I just wanted to reach out to people who understand. I have felt so good for so long (since mid December), it was kind of shock to my system to be depressed again. I felt the slide coming and I tried to put the brakes, I tried to ignore it. But, the black hole is here.... and so are the dark thoughts.

be well,
Jules

I'm sure you've been in the black hole before. I'm sure that you will climb out again! But you're probably aware of Proverbs 11:2 that reminds us that wisdom is with the modest one. Modest people recognize their limitations. There is currently no cure for BP. We can control it's symptoms some but they always come back eventually in some degree. If you were in a car wreck and had broken bones and internal injuries you wouldn't try to keep going as though everything were normal. Please give your brain the rest it needs. I don't want to lose your valuable contributions to this forum.

K

Oh Jules, I wish I had seen this post sooner. Of course you have bad days too, we all do. Noone thinks anyless of you because of it either--so there. And I would be willing to bet most of your employees just wish there was some way they could help you.

Its funny how hard it is sometimes to just let your brain rest. I have kind of been wondering if some of what BP and Depressed people go thru is similar to what people who have had strokes go thru. One of the people who had a really good recovery from a major stroke wrote a book(See, I'll take up some of the geek slack while you rest your brain) "My Stroke of Insight" by Jill Bolte Taylor. PhD. I was really struck by how much she credited giving herself enough rest in helping her recovery.

And what she knew of as enough rest was a lot more than the "experts" promoted. Anyway it got me wondering--Does depression cause us to oversleep(the DSM lists it this way, as a symptom) or do we NEED more rest because our brains are healing too--from the upsurge of whatever chemicals are causing the Depressions or Manias?

Anyway, get the rest you need and let us know how you are doing in a short post when you feel up to it.

Jules I hope you feel better, its just the diasesed try to trick you! talk to you doctor if persistes, my depression always gets wors when I'm on PMS. Last night I had to take 2 pills of lorazepan (atiban) of 2mg each in order to sleep, I woke up so drowzy that I coulnt go to worok and I slept most of the day, which I needed anysay cause I was so sleep deprevided, are u sleeping well?

The darkness has parted and I have crawled out of the hole. I'm sure, as you look at my chart, that is it no surprise that it perfectly coincides with my menses.

Kef - I appreciate your Proverbs reminder. God's word washes over me like a sweet, gentle waterfall. And, you are so right about giving my brain a rest. I saw my therapist on Thursday, in the depths of my depression. He reminded me to be compassionate with myself. My self-compassion is the first thing to go OUT the door when I slip into the dark places of a depressed mind. And... thank you for your kind words. I enjoy the give and take of this forum. It is refreshing to have a safe place for these kinds of discussions.

Lizabeth - I kindly bow aside while you take on geek responsibilities!! :) I am allowing my brain to rest right now. It took everything I could do to teach my class tonight.

That's cool information about the stroke stuff. It sounds very feasible to me. I mean, if our bipolar is much like a slow wave "seizure," then I can imagine that it would need to rest after an episode.

Cristy - Thank you for the note. My sleep is definitely up and down. My chart shows that pretty well. I really never feel rested. My doctor and I working on that one. I talk about my struggles with sleep in the sleep thread on this forum. I'm sorry that the lorazapam had such terrible after-effects for you. Being over-sedated is worse than not getting enough sleep.

Thank you all for your sweet notes. I appreciate your support and your feed back. I take it all to heart.

Be well,
Jules

Jules, I am glad to see you are feeling some better. I saw my talk therapist today and loaned her Dr.Bolte Taylor's book. The therapist was asking me about sleep habits and did I let meself take naps on post insomnia days, etc. I told her I had not because the experts all say not too--to be fairly rigid in bedtimes, arising times, etc. But I said I was rethinking based on that book, she is going to read it too--it will be interesting to see what she thinks. (Thus does geekdom spread)
She was also commenting that I had too hard a time with being gentle on myself, saying that I was expecting far too much of myself during this long drawn out med transition thing. It must be something with the actual illness, making us be so hard on ourselves as it seems sooner or later we all post something about it.
Anyway, continue to take it easy and feel better.