BPD getting in the way of relationships/having children

I was diagnosed with bipolar and borderline traits very recently. Before that I was on antidepressants which really helped me but the mood swings were inexplicable. I had a very stormy relationship for four years that ended five years ago and I still really regret what happened and miss as well as resent my ex boyfriend - he is not what you could call a nice guy. He is constantly on the periphery of my life because we have friends in common and though I never see him I have reminders of him almost every day now. He is, according to other people's descriptions, highly narcissistic as well as confusing, and not emotionally honest. We have never had a conversation about what happened in our relationship either when we were in it or after it ended. His mantra is 'just because you feel it, doesn't make it valid.' Anyway, I know I was attracted to him because of my own issues but I also feel really traumatised by the whole experience as if I will never get over it.

I have been in a relationship over the past year with a wonderful man who, unfortunately, had confidence issues that he ignored. A lot of the time he would do things or act in ways that didn't make sense with the result that he lost two jobs in the period I was seeing him and also lost his apartment meaning that he's had to go home to his family (I had lost confidence in him by then: so many opportunities wasted. I didn't understand his behaviour). Anyway, I am now 38 and really sad about how my life is turning out, as well as really worried, as I don't have any kids. I get on with children extremely well but, having only been diagnosed recently, and now taking Lamictal (not a good idea to get pregnant on this, I can't see how things could ever move forward in respect of relationships. Everyone I know has children and I certainly didn't intend for things to go this way. I also feel ashamed of my 'issues' and assume that I will be rejected if anyone finds out. I find it hard to go to work because everyone is constantly talking about kids or family. My sister - to whom I'm very close - lives in a different continent. I know this a random list of things I worry about but I find it hard to move forward.

Anyway, often I have the impulse just to leave and move to America where my sister lives or the continent where I have lots of friends. I am half American and half French but live in England where I grew up for the most part of my life. I often feel alienated by English culture and feel I am going around in circles, with the ex boyfriend constantly sort of in the ether. I am not really ready to meet someone new because I am still sad about the recent break up. But I feel that time is or has already run out as far as children are concerned. I wish I had been diagnosed earlier as it would have saved me a lot of strife, confusion, pain and bad decisions.

I feel very sad about all this and was wondering if anyone has any thoughts as to how to move forward. I have tried really hard but I have episodes like now when I feel very sad and worried about my future.

Hi there, I am not sure I have any advice to give you. I met my husband 16 years ago and our relationship was quite stormy for a while. Eventually I realised that things were not normal and could not continue. I worked very hard at trying to control myself and just walk away from arguements. It was hard and I managed to change. I knew the problems with our relationship back then really lay with me because I felt that I needed to hurt him (verbally) whenever I felt annoyed about something.

There is still plenty of time for you to find someone who will accept you for who you are.

It must be hard for you with no close friends or sister close by. Do you have many family memebers left here in England?

Are you in any kind of therapy at the moment?

Take care