Fear of being abandoned
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November 7, 2012 - 7:28 am
I'm well aware that one of the symptoms of BPD is the fear of being abandoned, but this what happens to me goes to serious, almost psychotic paranoia.
In the last few months I have the urge to call my boyfriend every single hour when he's not at home (we are living together), and when he comes back, I become a complete attention w****, I feel like jumping around him and screaming "look at me, I'm heeeere!" Of course I don't do that, but I bother him with questions like "do you want coffee, tea, something? is something bothering you? did I do anything bad? can I do anything for you?" and so on. He admitted few times that because of his problems at work he may have been distracted and not paying enough attention to me, and he says that he loves me all the time, but I seem to just not hear that.
Right now, he's in hospital in his home town. I haven't seen him for almost a week as I'm in another city and I had to finish some school stuff. Of course I did nothing of all that I should do, I'm just sitting at our apartment and going completely crazy if he doesn't answer the phone when I call. I should go to see him tomorrow, but he just called me and told me I don't need to come as he will be released on Friday and come back here the same day. It made me feel rejected, and now I just want to eat some Xanax and sleep all day long.
Also, in past few days, I've been dreaming about him breaking up with me because of his ex girlfriend. I wake up terribly anxious, it goes so far I keep Xanax and water beside my bed, so I can take it as soon as I wake up. We had fight about her several times, as he keeps answering her calls, helping her with studying etc., and I'm convinced that all she does is using him, as she never ever called to ask even how he is, she calls just when she needs something.
The strange thing is that I never, ever thought that he might be cheating on me, I'm absolutely sure that he wouldn't do that, but I'm terrified that he might leave me, and I feel like I couldn't continue with my life without him. I seem to be completely depending on him, and that makes me really scared.
I never told him any of this, as I fear he would think that I'm a possessive psychopath, and that would make him leave me. But then again, I can't control my actions all the time, and I'm sure that he noticed I'm paranoid and overly attached sometimes. I didn't have the time to talk to my therapist about all of this as I had bigger problems in the moment, but I'm also scared that she would insist on hospitalizing again, and that this time it won't be a daily hospital.
Does anyone else experience this kind of trouble? How do you deal with that?
In the last few months I have the urge to call my boyfriend every single hour when he's not at home (we are living together), and when he comes back, I become a complete attention w****, I feel like jumping around him and screaming "look at me, I'm heeeere!" Of course I don't do that, but I bother him with questions like "do you want coffee, tea, something? is something bothering you? did I do anything bad? can I do anything for you?" and so on. He admitted few times that because of his problems at work he may have been distracted and not paying enough attention to me, and he says that he loves me all the time, but I seem to just not hear that.
Right now, he's in hospital in his home town. I haven't seen him for almost a week as I'm in another city and I had to finish some school stuff. Of course I did nothing of all that I should do, I'm just sitting at our apartment and going completely crazy if he doesn't answer the phone when I call. I should go to see him tomorrow, but he just called me and told me I don't need to come as he will be released on Friday and come back here the same day. It made me feel rejected, and now I just want to eat some Xanax and sleep all day long.
Also, in past few days, I've been dreaming about him breaking up with me because of his ex girlfriend. I wake up terribly anxious, it goes so far I keep Xanax and water beside my bed, so I can take it as soon as I wake up. We had fight about her several times, as he keeps answering her calls, helping her with studying etc., and I'm convinced that all she does is using him, as she never ever called to ask even how he is, she calls just when she needs something.
The strange thing is that I never, ever thought that he might be cheating on me, I'm absolutely sure that he wouldn't do that, but I'm terrified that he might leave me, and I feel like I couldn't continue with my life without him. I seem to be completely depending on him, and that makes me really scared.
I never told him any of this, as I fear he would think that I'm a possessive psychopath, and that would make him leave me. But then again, I can't control my actions all the time, and I'm sure that he noticed I'm paranoid and overly attached sometimes. I didn't have the time to talk to my therapist about all of this as I had bigger problems in the moment, but I'm also scared that she would insist on hospitalizing again, and that this time it won't be a daily hospital.
Does anyone else experience this kind of trouble? How do you deal with that?
Medications for October 8, 2012 to November 7, 2012
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I'm well aware that one of the symptoms of BPD is the fear of being abandoned, but this what happens to me goes to serious, almost psychotic paranoia.
In the last few months I have the urge to call my boyfriend every single hour when he's not at home (we are living together), and when he comes back, I become a complete attention w****, I feel like jumping around him and screaming "look at me, I'm heeeere!" Of course I don't do that, but I bother him with questions like "do you want coffee, tea, something? is something bothering you? did I do anything bad? can I do anything for you?" and so on. He admitted few times that because of his problems at work he may have been distracted and not paying enough attention to me, and he says that he loves me all the time, but I seem to just not hear that.
Right now, he's in hospital in his home town. I haven't seen him for almost a week as I'm in another city and I had to finish some school stuff. Of course I did nothing of all that I should do, I'm just sitting at our apartment and going completely crazy if he doesn't answer the phone when I call. I should go to see him tomorrow, but he just called me and told me I don't need to come as he will be released on Friday and come back here the same day. It made me feel rejected, and now I just want to eat some Xanax and sleep all day long.
Also, in past few days, I've been dreaming about him breaking up with me because of his ex girlfriend. I wake up terribly anxious, it goes so far I keep Xanax and water beside my bed, so I can take it as soon as I wake up. We had fight about her several times, as he keeps answering her calls, helping her with studying etc., and I'm convinced that all she does is using him, as she never ever called to ask even how he is, she calls just when she needs something.
The strange thing is that I never, ever thought that he might be cheating on me, I'm absolutely sure that he wouldn't do that, but I'm terrified that he might leave me, and I feel like I couldn't continue with my life without him. I seem to be completely depending on him, and that makes me really scared.
I never told him any of this, as I fear he would think that I'm a possessive psychopath, and that would make him leave me. But then again, I can't control my actions all the time, and I'm sure that he noticed I'm paranoid and overly attached sometimes. I didn't have the time to talk to my therapist about all of this as I had bigger problems in the moment, but I'm also scared that she would insist on hospitalizing again, and that this time it won't be a daily hospital.
Does anyone else experience this kind of trouble? How do you deal with that?
In the last few months I have the urge to call my boyfriend every single hour when he's not at home (we are living together), and when he comes back, I become a complete attention w****, I feel like jumping around him and screaming "look at me, I'm heeeere!" Of course I don't do that, but I bother him with questions like "do you want coffee, tea, something? is something bothering you? did I do anything bad? can I do anything for you?" and so on. He admitted few times that because of his problems at work he may have been distracted and not paying enough attention to me, and he says that he loves me all the time, but I seem to just not hear that.
Right now, he's in hospital in his home town. I haven't seen him for almost a week as I'm in another city and I had to finish some school stuff. Of course I did nothing of all that I should do, I'm just sitting at our apartment and going completely crazy if he doesn't answer the phone when I call. I should go to see him tomorrow, but he just called me and told me I don't need to come as he will be released on Friday and come back here the same day. It made me feel rejected, and now I just want to eat some Xanax and sleep all day long.
Also, in past few days, I've been dreaming about him breaking up with me because of his ex girlfriend. I wake up terribly anxious, it goes so far I keep Xanax and water beside my bed, so I can take it as soon as I wake up. We had fight about her several times, as he keeps answering her calls, helping her with studying etc., and I'm convinced that all she does is using him, as she never ever called to ask even how he is, she calls just when she needs something.
The strange thing is that I never, ever thought that he might be cheating on me, I'm absolutely sure that he wouldn't do that, but I'm terrified that he might leave me, and I feel like I couldn't continue with my life without him. I seem to be completely depending on him, and that makes me really scared.
I never told him any of this, as I fear he would think that I'm a possessive psychopath, and that would make him leave me. But then again, I can't control my actions all the time, and I'm sure that he noticed I'm paranoid and overly attached sometimes. I didn't have the time to talk to my therapist about all of this as I had bigger problems in the moment, but I'm also scared that she would insist on hospitalizing again, and that this time it won't be a daily hospital.
Does anyone else experience this kind of trouble? How do you deal with that?
Medications for October 8, 2012 to November 7, 2012
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November 7, 2012 - 7:19 pm
Total Posts: 519
Joined: 12-11-2010
Joined: 12-11-2010
I had serious possessive/worrying/etc issues with my ex-boyfriend, but our relationship was also extremely jacked up (he abused me emotionally/verbally) and he was/is married and much older than me...so a lot of my angst came from the abuse, but also from my BPD. I was terrified he'd leave me, so I tried to keep his attention focused on me ALL the time....emailed him all the time even for little things, made excuses to go see him, etc. That's about all I have for you....
"Everything Worth Having is Purchased With Some Measure of Pain" -wisdom from the man who is my heart and soul-
I had serious possessive/worrying/etc issues with my ex-boyfriend, but our relationship was also extremely jacked up (he abused me emotionally/verbally) and he was/is married and much older than me...so a lot of my angst came from the abuse, but also from my BPD. I was terrified he'd leave me, so I tried to keep his attention focused on me ALL the time....emailed him all the time even for little things, made excuses to go see him, etc. That's about all I have for you....
"Everything Worth Having is Purchased With Some Measure of Pain" -wisdom from the man who is my heart and soul-
November 7, 2012 - 7:54 pm
Total Posts: 205
Joined: 09-27-2012
Joined: 09-27-2012
I've never been abused by my current boyfriend, but I had some really really bad experiences earlier. I was sexually abused by my ex when I was 15. When I was 18 I was in a relationship with a real possessive psychopath who used to lock me in his apartment, go crazy every time I don't answer the phone, pretend that's he has epileptic attack just so I would stay beside him etc. And last year I was with a guy who emotionally/verbally abused me every single day for four months, until I had a nervous breakdown.
This is my first stable and long-lasting relationship, and I guess that is why I'm being so dramatic whenever I feel I lack attention. The only time I felt abused by my boyfriend was when he used everything that I told him about myself (including everything I wrote up there) against me in one fight. He told me I'm not to be trusted because I'm "damaged" from all those things. He apologized later, and I'm trying to erase that fight from my mind.
Did you feel guilty because of acting like that? How did you cope with it?
This is my first stable and long-lasting relationship, and I guess that is why I'm being so dramatic whenever I feel I lack attention. The only time I felt abused by my boyfriend was when he used everything that I told him about myself (including everything I wrote up there) against me in one fight. He told me I'm not to be trusted because I'm "damaged" from all those things. He apologized later, and I'm trying to erase that fight from my mind.
Did you feel guilty because of acting like that? How did you cope with it?
I've never been abused by my current boyfriend, but I had some really really bad experiences earlier. I was sexually abused by my ex when I was 15. When I was 18 I was in a relationship with a real possessive psychopath who used to lock me in his apartment, go crazy every time I don't answer the phone, pretend that's he has epileptic attack just so I would stay beside him etc. And last year I was with a guy who emotionally/verbally abused me every single day for four months, until I had a nervous breakdown.
This is my first stable and long-lasting relationship, and I guess that is why I'm being so dramatic whenever I feel I lack attention. The only time I felt abused by my boyfriend was when he used everything that I told him about myself (including everything I wrote up there) against me in one fight. He told me I'm not to be trusted because I'm "damaged" from all those things. He apologized later, and I'm trying to erase that fight from my mind.
Did you feel guilty because of acting like that? How did you cope with it?
This is my first stable and long-lasting relationship, and I guess that is why I'm being so dramatic whenever I feel I lack attention. The only time I felt abused by my boyfriend was when he used everything that I told him about myself (including everything I wrote up there) against me in one fight. He told me I'm not to be trusted because I'm "damaged" from all those things. He apologized later, and I'm trying to erase that fight from my mind.
Did you feel guilty because of acting like that? How did you cope with it?
November 12, 2012 - 5:39 pm
Total Posts: 519
Joined: 12-11-2010
Joined: 12-11-2010
No, I don't feel guilty...it was too complex and messed up of a relationship (him being married, 27 years older than me, my instructor, and abusive) that I am willing to take any kind of responsibility for what happened. I was sick (Bipolar went untreated for almost a year, I was Borderline but didn't know it, our relationship was a big, huge secret, etc) and he was abusing me. I have had people say to me that I should have left him when I found out he was married. My response always is that it's his problem- HE'S married, NOT me. If he wants to mess around with a younger, female student, then that's not my problem. I won't be held responsible for his actions.
"Everything Worth Having is Purchased With Some Measure of Pain" -wisdom from the man who is my heart and soul-
No, I don't feel guilty...it was too complex and messed up of a relationship (him being married, 27 years older than me, my instructor, and abusive) that I am willing to take any kind of responsibility for what happened. I was sick (Bipolar went untreated for almost a year, I was Borderline but didn't know it, our relationship was a big, huge secret, etc) and he was abusing me. I have had people say to me that I should have left him when I found out he was married. My response always is that it's his problem- HE'S married, NOT me. If he wants to mess around with a younger, female student, then that's not my problem. I won't be held responsible for his actions.
"Everything Worth Having is Purchased With Some Measure of Pain" -wisdom from the man who is my heart and soul-
Joined: 09-27-2012