Husband who won't admit he has BPD.can't face truth
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November 29, 2012 - 7:26 am
What are some suggestions from anyone on how to lovingly encourage my husband to honestly face the truths about himself without fear of feeling weak and abnormal? He can't face unpleasant qualities in himself or accept blame for any of his moods and episodes...continues justifying and rationalizing them due to stress, disrespect from kids, work stuff, etc. And I don't think he knows the depth of how hurtful and cold he is when he's in an episode. He will not talk about it or apologize, ever, and I am sad for him because he truly is a decent man of character, and was cruelly abused by his mom for a very long time. He needs to feel that he's overcome his past and been strong enough to not repeat the cycle and turn out ok despite her. Admitting that he really HASN"T let it go would be so painful for him to face. Advice??
What are some suggestions from anyone on how to lovingly encourage my husband to honestly face the truths about himself without fear of feeling weak and abnormal? He can't face unpleasant qualities in himself or accept blame for any of his moods and episodes...continues justifying and rationalizing them due to stress, disrespect from kids, work stuff, etc. And I don't think he knows the depth of how hurtful and cold he is when he's in an episode. He will not talk about it or apologize, ever, and I am sad for him because he truly is a decent man of character, and was cruelly abused by his mom for a very long time. He needs to feel that he's overcome his past and been strong enough to not repeat the cycle and turn out ok despite her. Admitting that he really HASN"T let it go would be so painful for him to face. Advice??
December 22, 2012 - 4:36 pm
Total Posts: 18
Joined: 04-10-2012
Joined: 04-10-2012
Hi macpaige78
I am married to a wonderful man. I have BPD and I know in the past I have treated my husband terribly. Before I was diagnosed with BPD I knew that my mood swings were not normal but I did not really know what normal was. It was only through observing my husband that I realised that my thinking was not right.
Has your husband been diagnosed with this condition? If he has was he offered any kind of support because he really does need it. You sound so kind and patient with him but if he is not willing to accept things then I do not see how things can improve.
Have you spoken to your doc about what you can do to persuade your husband that he needs help? Does your husband know much about this condition?
Sorry so many questions here but I just want you to know that things can improve for you both as they have between myself and my husband. However, that is going to take a lot of work on your husbands part.
Here if you need to talk more.
Take care
I am married to a wonderful man. I have BPD and I know in the past I have treated my husband terribly. Before I was diagnosed with BPD I knew that my mood swings were not normal but I did not really know what normal was. It was only through observing my husband that I realised that my thinking was not right.
Has your husband been diagnosed with this condition? If he has was he offered any kind of support because he really does need it. You sound so kind and patient with him but if he is not willing to accept things then I do not see how things can improve.
Have you spoken to your doc about what you can do to persuade your husband that he needs help? Does your husband know much about this condition?
Sorry so many questions here but I just want you to know that things can improve for you both as they have between myself and my husband. However, that is going to take a lot of work on your husbands part.
Here if you need to talk more.
Take care
Hi macpaige78
I am married to a wonderful man. I have BPD and I know in the past I have treated my husband terribly. Before I was diagnosed with BPD I knew that my mood swings were not normal but I did not really know what normal was. It was only through observing my husband that I realised that my thinking was not right.
Has your husband been diagnosed with this condition? If he has was he offered any kind of support because he really does need it. You sound so kind and patient with him but if he is not willing to accept things then I do not see how things can improve.
Have you spoken to your doc about what you can do to persuade your husband that he needs help? Does your husband know much about this condition?
Sorry so many questions here but I just want you to know that things can improve for you both as they have between myself and my husband. However, that is going to take a lot of work on your husbands part.
Here if you need to talk more.
Take care
I am married to a wonderful man. I have BPD and I know in the past I have treated my husband terribly. Before I was diagnosed with BPD I knew that my mood swings were not normal but I did not really know what normal was. It was only through observing my husband that I realised that my thinking was not right.
Has your husband been diagnosed with this condition? If he has was he offered any kind of support because he really does need it. You sound so kind and patient with him but if he is not willing to accept things then I do not see how things can improve.
Have you spoken to your doc about what you can do to persuade your husband that he needs help? Does your husband know much about this condition?
Sorry so many questions here but I just want you to know that things can improve for you both as they have between myself and my husband. However, that is going to take a lot of work on your husbands part.
Here if you need to talk more.
Take care
December 29, 2012 - 8:49 am
Total Posts: 1532
Joined: 08-11-2012
Joined: 08-11-2012
You said that your husband will not "accept blame for any of his moods and episodes."
Nobody wants to be "blamed" by anyone for anything. It might be a long time before he tells you, "You're right, this is ALL my fault."
If you visit some Al-Anon meetings, they have a lot of information about how to deal with people who won't admit that they have a problem.
Best wishes!
Nobody wants to be "blamed" by anyone for anything. It might be a long time before he tells you, "You're right, this is ALL my fault."
If you visit some Al-Anon meetings, they have a lot of information about how to deal with people who won't admit that they have a problem.
Best wishes!
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
You said that your husband will not "accept blame for any of his moods and episodes."
Nobody wants to be "blamed" by anyone for anything. It might be a long time before he tells you, "You're right, this is ALL my fault."
If you visit some Al-Anon meetings, they have a lot of information about how to deal with people who won't admit that they have a problem.
Best wishes!
Nobody wants to be "blamed" by anyone for anything. It might be a long time before he tells you, "You're right, this is ALL my fault."
If you visit some Al-Anon meetings, they have a lot of information about how to deal with people who won't admit that they have a problem.
Best wishes!
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
February 21, 2013 - 1:26 am
Total Posts: 671
Joined: 02-09-2010
Joined: 02-09-2010
I have a similar history to your husband but I'm the exact opposite extreme. I believe everything is my fault, even things that are beyond my control. I have little to no self esteem, and it's very easy for people to blame for things because I am so willing to believe it is my fault. It's now got to the point that I don't know if counseling is really helping or hurting. All it has been doing lately is reinforcing my beliefs that I am always wrong, that I fail at everything I try and that my thoughts are always faulty so I can even trust my own thinking. I'm going to bring this up to my therapist today, but I don't think it's going to make much of a difference. I've started to put a will together and get the beneficiary of my trust changed. Once I do I intend on ending my life. It's not like I have any value to anyone. I have a couple of friends that disagree, but all I do for them is listen. Anyone can do that...
I have a similar history to your husband but I'm the exact opposite extreme. I believe everything is my fault, even things that are beyond my control. I have little to no self esteem, and it's very easy for people to blame for things because I am so willing to believe it is my fault. It's now got to the point that I don't know if counseling is really helping or hurting. All it has been doing lately is reinforcing my beliefs that I am always wrong, that I fail at everything I try and that my thoughts are always faulty so I can even trust my own thinking. I'm going to bring this up to my therapist today, but I don't think it's going to make much of a difference. I've started to put a will together and get the beneficiary of my trust changed. Once I do I intend on ending my life. It's not like I have any value to anyone. I have a couple of friends that disagree, but all I do for them is listen. Anyone can do that...
February 21, 2013 - 10:42 am
Total Posts: 10
Joined: 02-21-2013
Joined: 02-21-2013
Has he technically been diagnosed as having BPD? I think that you diagnosing him with this might put him on the defensive. He has to be open to seeking treatment for whatever he has - you can't force him into it. But maybe you can help him see how much it's stressing you and your family in a compassionate way?
I will say, nobody wins at the whole "blame game" - that was an important lesson that my husband and I had to learn through several couples therapy sessions. Your husband's feelings are VALID - everyone's feelings are valid. It's actions (outbursts, inappropriate behavior, etc.) that need to be controlled, and that can be done through emotional regulation via Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), medication, therapy or a combination of these.
Speaking from personal experience, what seemed to help my marriage the most (and it's by no means perfect - definitely a work in progress), was when my husband began validating my emotions no matter how "crazy" they were. When I am upset, even if he doesn't understand or agree with it at all, he validates my feelings FIRST by saying something sensitive like "that must be really tough for you" or "I'm sorry you're going through this right now" - then, it opens me up to advice or constructive criticism a bit more and he can say something like "next time, why don't you try..." or "you know you studied hard for this test, what's done is done" - or even if I've done something to upset him.... "I know you mean well, but it really affects my productivity when you call me at work so much in the middle of the day... can you try email and keep the calls towards the end of the day instead?"...
it might be helpful for you to first validate his feelings and emotions in order to open him up a bit more to seeking help for emotional regulation and overcoming his painful past. right now it sounds like your approach is just putting him on the defensive.
good luck!
I will say, nobody wins at the whole "blame game" - that was an important lesson that my husband and I had to learn through several couples therapy sessions. Your husband's feelings are VALID - everyone's feelings are valid. It's actions (outbursts, inappropriate behavior, etc.) that need to be controlled, and that can be done through emotional regulation via Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), medication, therapy or a combination of these.
Speaking from personal experience, what seemed to help my marriage the most (and it's by no means perfect - definitely a work in progress), was when my husband began validating my emotions no matter how "crazy" they were. When I am upset, even if he doesn't understand or agree with it at all, he validates my feelings FIRST by saying something sensitive like "that must be really tough for you" or "I'm sorry you're going through this right now" - then, it opens me up to advice or constructive criticism a bit more and he can say something like "next time, why don't you try..." or "you know you studied hard for this test, what's done is done" - or even if I've done something to upset him.... "I know you mean well, but it really affects my productivity when you call me at work so much in the middle of the day... can you try email and keep the calls towards the end of the day instead?"...
it might be helpful for you to first validate his feelings and emotions in order to open him up a bit more to seeking help for emotional regulation and overcoming his painful past. right now it sounds like your approach is just putting him on the defensive.
good luck!
Nothing endures but change.
Has he technically been diagnosed as having BPD? I think that you diagnosing him with this might put him on the defensive. He has to be open to seeking treatment for whatever he has - you can't force him into it. But maybe you can help him see how much it's stressing you and your family in a compassionate way?
I will say, nobody wins at the whole "blame game" - that was an important lesson that my husband and I had to learn through several couples therapy sessions. Your husband's feelings are VALID - everyone's feelings are valid. It's actions (outbursts, inappropriate behavior, etc.) that need to be controlled, and that can be done through emotional regulation via Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), medication, therapy or a combination of these.
Speaking from personal experience, what seemed to help my marriage the most (and it's by no means perfect - definitely a work in progress), was when my husband began validating my emotions no matter how "crazy" they were. When I am upset, even if he doesn't understand or agree with it at all, he validates my feelings FIRST by saying something sensitive like "that must be really tough for you" or "I'm sorry you're going through this right now" - then, it opens me up to advice or constructive criticism a bit more and he can say something like "next time, why don't you try..." or "you know you studied hard for this test, what's done is done" - or even if I've done something to upset him.... "I know you mean well, but it really affects my productivity when you call me at work so much in the middle of the day... can you try email and keep the calls towards the end of the day instead?"...
it might be helpful for you to first validate his feelings and emotions in order to open him up a bit more to seeking help for emotional regulation and overcoming his painful past. right now it sounds like your approach is just putting him on the defensive.
good luck!
I will say, nobody wins at the whole "blame game" - that was an important lesson that my husband and I had to learn through several couples therapy sessions. Your husband's feelings are VALID - everyone's feelings are valid. It's actions (outbursts, inappropriate behavior, etc.) that need to be controlled, and that can be done through emotional regulation via Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), medication, therapy or a combination of these.
Speaking from personal experience, what seemed to help my marriage the most (and it's by no means perfect - definitely a work in progress), was when my husband began validating my emotions no matter how "crazy" they were. When I am upset, even if he doesn't understand or agree with it at all, he validates my feelings FIRST by saying something sensitive like "that must be really tough for you" or "I'm sorry you're going through this right now" - then, it opens me up to advice or constructive criticism a bit more and he can say something like "next time, why don't you try..." or "you know you studied hard for this test, what's done is done" - or even if I've done something to upset him.... "I know you mean well, but it really affects my productivity when you call me at work so much in the middle of the day... can you try email and keep the calls towards the end of the day instead?"...
it might be helpful for you to first validate his feelings and emotions in order to open him up a bit more to seeking help for emotional regulation and overcoming his painful past. right now it sounds like your approach is just putting him on the defensive.
good luck!
Nothing endures but change.
Joined: 11-29-2012